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» Chris3 - Dr Suess and the Twin Towers

> > >Every U down in Uville liked U.S. a lot,
> > >But the Binch, who lived Far East of Uville, did not.
> > >The Binch hated U.S! the whole U.S. way!
> > >Now don't ask me why, for nobody can say,
> > >It could be his turban was screwed on too tight.
> > >Or the sun from the desert had beaten too bright
> > >But I think that the most likely reason of all
> > >May have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
> > >
> > >But, Whatever the reason, his heart or his turban,
> > >He stood facing Uville, the part that was urban.
> > >"They're doing their business," he snarled from his perch.
> > >"They're raising their families! They're going to church!
> > >They're leading the world, and their empire is thriving,
> > >I MUST keep the S's and U's from surviving!"
> > >
> > >Tomorrow, he knew, all the U's and the S's,
> > >Would put on their pants and their shirts and their dresses,
> > >They'd go to their offices, playgrounds and schools,
> > >And abide by their U and S values and rules,
> > >
> > >And then they'd do something he liked least of all,
> > >Every U down in U-ville, the tall and the small,
> > >Would stand all united, each U and each S,
> > >And they'd sing Uville's anthem, "God bless us! God bless!"
> > >All around their Twin Towers of Uville, they'd stand,
> > >and their voices would drown every sound in the land.
> > >
> > >"I must stop that singing," Binch said with a smirk,
> > >And he had an idea--an idea that might work!
> > >The Binch stole some U planes in U morning hours,
> > >And crashed them right into the Uville Twin Towers.
> > >"They'll wake to disaster!" he snickered, so sour,
> > >"And how can they sing when they can't find a tower?"
> > >
> > >The Binch cocked his ear as they woke from their sleeping,
> > >All set to enjoy their U-wailing and weeping,
> > >Instead he heard something that started quite low,
> > >And it built up quite slow, but it started to grow--
> > >And the Binch heard the most unpredictable thing...
> > >And he couldn't believe it--they started to sing!
> > >
> > >He stared down at U-ville, not trusting his eyes,
> > >What he saw was a shocking, disgusting surprise!
> > >Every U down in U-ville, the tall and the small,
> > >Was singing! Without any towers at all!
> > >He HADN'T stopped U-Ville from singing! It sung!
> > >For down deep in the hearts of the old and the young,
> > >Those Twin Towers were standing, called Hope and called Pride,
> > >And you can't smash the towers we hold deep inside.
> > >
> > >So we circle the sites where our heroes did fall,
> > >With a hand in each hand of the tall and the small,
> > >And we mourn for our losses while knowing we'll cope,
> > >For we still have inside that U-Pride and U-Hope.
> > >
> > >For America means a bit more than tall towers,
> > >It means more than wealth or political powers,
> > >It's more than our enemies ever could guess,
> > >So may God bless America! Bless us! God bless

-- posted by Chris3

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» CaptRon - A Team Effort

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a checkup and the
doctor determined a semen sample was required.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a
semen sample tomorrow. "

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained "Well, doc, it's like
this, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with
her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still
nothing.

We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get
the damn jar open."

-- posted by CaptRon

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» Karin_ - You're probably a dog.

You're probably a dog...

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor or
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs.

-- posted by Karin_

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» Slick - Buy Stocks ?

If you had bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock a year ago you would currently have $47.00.
If you had bought $1000 worth of beer you would currently have $79 worth of EMPTY beer cans.

Slick

-- posted by Slick

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» Karin_ - First Grade Teacher

First Grade Teacher

A first grade teacher was a die-hard Colorado Avalanche
fan. She told the class to raise their hands if they
were true Avalanche fans like her. The children, not
knowing what an Avalanche fan was, raised their hands.
They too wanted to be just like the teacher, all except
one little girl. She did not raise her hand.

The teacher approached her and asked, "Why aren't you
an Avalanche fan? They are the best team and I love
them."

The little girl responded, "I'm a Detroit Red Wings
fan."

The teacher asked, "Why are you a Wings fan?"

The little girl said, "Well, my parents are Wings
fans."

The teacher, getting upset at this point, stated, "Just
because your parents are Wings fans doesn't make you
one. What if your dad was a moron and your mom was an
idiot, what would that make you?"

The little girl thought for a moment and said, "Well,
that would make me an Avalanche fan."

-- posted by Karin_

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» Karin_ - Honeymoon Cruise

Honeymoon Cruise

A man and his wife were going on a cruise for their honeymoon. They
packed
their bags and got ready to go but forgot two things - condoms and
Dramamine, since the man gets terrible motion sickness on ships.

So the man and his wife stop at the store on the way to the cruise, and
the
man goes in to get the necessary supplies. He walked up to the counter
with a plenty-pack of condoms and asked for the largest bottle of
Dramamine
available.

The pharmacist looked at him for a second and then asked, "If it makes
you
so sick, why do you do it?"

-- posted by Karin_

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» Karin_ - At the Doctors office

At the Doctors office

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's
office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes sir,
may
we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

"Because" replies the receptionist. "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there
is
something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the
problem
further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear" he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled knowing he had taken her
advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

-- posted by Karin_

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» Karin_ - John and David

John and David

John and David were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the
deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in
to save him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered
that David be discharged from the mental hospital, as he considered him to
be okay. The doctor says, "We have good news and bad news for you, David!

The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have
regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another
patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom
you saved, Mr. John, hanged himself in the bathroom and died."

David replied, "Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there to dry."

-- posted by Karin_

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» Karin_ - Fishing

Fishing

A guy was stopped by a game-warden in Northern
Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving
a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the guy, "Do you have
a license to catch those fish?"

The guy replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These
are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the
lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle
and they jump back into their buckets, and I take
them home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The guy looked at the game warden for a moment,
and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

The game warden was curious now. "O.K. I've GOT
to see this!"

The guy poured the fish in to the river and stood by
and waited. After several minutes, the game warden
turned to the guy and said,"Well?"

"Well, What?" the guy responded.

"When are you going to call them back?" The game
warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The guy asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" The guy asked.

-- posted by Karin_

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» Karin_ - 3 little pigs

3 little pigs

Once upon a time, there were 3 little pigs. The straw pig, the
stick pig, and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came
up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff,
and blow your house down." So he did!

The straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said,
"Let me in, please, the wolf just blew down my house!"

The stick pig let the straw pig in. Then the wolf showed up and said,
"I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down!" And he did!

So, the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's
house and said, "Let us in! The wolf just blew down our houses and
we're scared!"

So the brick pig let them in. The wolf caught up with them and said,
"I'm gonna huff and puff, and blow your house down."

While he was huffing and puffing, the straw pig and the stick pig were
so scared. But the brick pig picked up the phone and called a friend. A
few minutes passed and all of a sudden this big, black stretch limousine
drove up. Out came two massive pigs in pinstriped suits and fedoras. These
huge pigs came over to the wolf and grabbed him by the neck and proceeded to
beat him up. Then they got back into their limo and drove off.

The straw pig and the stick pig were amazed. They asked the brick pig,
"Who the heck were those guys?"

And the brick pig said, "Oh, those are my cousins, the Guinea Pigs."

-- posted by Karin_

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