School Phobia: Nothing to Take Lightly

Top 39. Mar 1, 2004 8:15 PM

» charli86 - Re: Re: Re: Re: How School Phobia Affects Me

In response to message posted by heythere:

"She is very empathic to the thoughts and actions of others and internalises any negative emotions. This is particularly true with school friends."

Reading that statement, I realise that that sounds just like what I do. All my negative feelings are kept inside of me until I need to have a quiet cry by myself to get them all out when they mount up too high. It works for a while until the bowl fills up again with these emotions. My friends ask me how I am and all I can say is 'fine' and the closest I've ever been to talking about my feelings to my friends are 'my mum's really p*ssing me off again'. I told a good friend something once about my mum not giving me any encouragement and saying that I probably won't get a job and broke down at school in a quiet area but I don't like talking about it around other people since I don't want to cry about it or think about it since it makes me feel that bad. I hate crying around others, maybe it's because to me it shows a sign of weakness and I don't want to feel sorry for myself or want others to think that I am.

I'd rather come across as a happy person around my friends rather than a depressed person. I don't like crying around them, and that's why it's only happened once around one of them. I can be happy when I'm with my friends since I can forget about all the crap my mum puts me through and what I'm feeling inside. I'd rather talk about other people's problems than my own since I can't go long without breaking down and I hate that.

I just wish I could tell my parents how I feel but my mum doesn't let me get a word in edgeways and I really don't feel comfortable opening up to her like that for her to hurt me even more than she has done. She thinks I'm avoiding talking about the issue of going to school but I don't like it when she brings the subject up because it makes me feel so pannicky and awkward and I just want it to go away. And I know that no matter what I say, I'll be put down again emotionally.

Something that angered and upset me the other day was when my mum was talking about moving away to the coast when her and my dad retire. It'll be about 4 or 5 hours drive from where I am right now and I would have to leave my friends behind. She talks about that like they mean nothing to me. 'You don't see them much anyway.' Is all she can say to me. They're the one piece of stability I have and she thinks that she can just take me away from them. I'm not going to go anyway. I want to say with my friends, they mean alot to me.

I guess being around my friends I feel as if I have to come across as happy. Not because they pressure me or anything, but because I don't want them to see the darker side of me. And I like being happy because it gives me a break from all the pain. I guess it's a sort of front that I put on, but I like it and I can be myself when I'm with them and not worry about what I say, like I do with my mum because of beinf afraid of being put down.

I guess I feel sort of emotionally restricted and my friends give me a refreshing break to be myself. If I can put a smile on someone's face then I'm happy and if I can make someone laugh that's even better. Alot of my front is humour and I guess that makes me feel a little more confident. I believe that everything happens for a reason and I'm on my way to find out what the reason for feeling like I do is. I really don't now where I'm going in life though.

But heythere, it's good to know that there are some parents out there who understand what their child is going through and I'm sure that she'll do just great in life with your support. Keep strong.

~ Charli

-- posted by charli86

Top 40. Mar 1, 2004 9:09 PM

» djcee - School Phobia and Panic Attacks

My 13 yr old son has been out of school for four weeks. After numerous attempts of trying to make him go, I feel it would do him more harm than good to force him, so he will be home schooled. Fortunately, the district we are in offers home schooling to children with medical needs-and they do actually recognize school phobia as a medical need (if prescribed by 2 doctors).

Last year I went through a very unpleasant divorce. We moved to a city only 15 miles away and my son and his older sister who was 16 at the time seemed to be handling things quite well-or so I thought. My son started middle school and I noticed he was sick alot--headaches, stomaches, dizzy spells, etc and missed alot of time from school--but doctors couldn't find anything wrong with him-they chalked it up to stress from the divorce and the move and ordered him into counselling for depression and stress. Then his sister started having problems--staying out late, argumentative, then a dui and accident with her new car so into counselling she goes. Me, I had been in counselling for a year dealing with the divorce prior to my kids.

Eventually things seemed to settle down with the kids, summer came and went and it was time for school to start. My son was starting 7th grade. He started having the same symptoms from the prior year then escalated to the point where he would lock himself in the bathroom and refuse to come out, or I would get him in the car (reluctantly) and he would cry the whole way to school. Then come time to get out of the car, he would have a panic attack-heart palpitations, crying uncontrollably, trouble breathing--and I would take him back home where he would curse himself and call himself a loser and abnormal and reach out to me and beg me to help him. My heart was breaking but I didnt know what to do or how to help him because I had no idea what was going on with him. His therapist put him on anti-depressants, my family thought he was doing it to get out of school, my ex thought I was babying him by letting him stay home.

Well thank god for little angels--I went to his pediatrician, who has treated him since he was a baby, as a last resort--she made me leave the room and after talking to him for about an hour she came out and point blank told me "your son has school phobia." I thought she was kidding-school phobia? What's that? But she told me it was a very real and serious condition which needed to be dealt with or he would get worse. She told me not to force him to go back to school until he gets professional help and referred him to a psychiatrist who also diagnosed him with this condition and told me he needs home schooling until we can get this under control.

I have read so many articles but this forum is the best. To actually be able to hear from kids who have the same condition that my son has and to hear that he is not "faking it to stay out of school" which is the typical response from people who have never heard of school phobia--it is a blessing.

I'm trying to get my son to post, but he is not ready yet, but he does read the posts and it gives him great relief to know that he's not the only one who is going through this and that he's not going crazy-and the first step toward healing is to understand his fears and learn how to deal with them.

His doctor has told us this is not something that can be cured in a week or a month--baby steps-one day at a time.

Bless you and thank you for listening.

-- posted by djcee

Top 41. Mar 3, 2004 5:12 PM

» charli86 - Re: School Phobia and Panic Attacks

In response to message posted by djcee:

Hi djcee, it's good to know that your son is receiving help this early on (even though 4 weeks school is alot, it's considerably less than the time some children/teenagers receive help if any, in my opinion). In Primary school I used to always complain of feeling sick, headaches, stomach aches- you name it, I used it. However I could feel physically sick over the thought of going into school so that was the reason why I wasn't feeling well. My mum used to take me to the doctor alot because I had missed an awful lot of schooling and had a letter from the local authorities once concerning my attendance, thinking I was skipping school without reason. Because of this letter, my Mum regularly took me to the doctor when I was missing school and complaining of feeling unwell, who just gave me some antibiotics and sent me on my way.

We went to see the paediatrician alot also but this was because of my anaemia I developed when I was younger and I kept going back for check-ups, she didn't see me for psychological reasons or why I wasn't going to school. I don't think school phobia was an option back then, even now I still do not think it is recognised here in England and that really annoys me. I think that if I was diagnosed when I was eight years old, I could have been well on my way to recovery by now, however nearly ten years on, I know I have gotten worse and it has even affected my life out of school. I do blame the health service for not recognising this and that is why I would like to go to see my doctor, because I want to explain to her how I'm feeling and that I know it started out as school phobia, and has slowly progressed onto things such as my confidence being greatly affected and not being able to walk up to the local shops by myself right now, or even up the road to school just to see my friends, which is even closer.

I'm sure your son will slowly but surely make a great recovery because it has been spotted early enough and I wish him and you and the rest of your family all the best in this. It's not easy to talk about your innermost feelings, especially when you know your parents are looking at it (no offence meant but my parents don't know about any of my posts on this site and I feel comfortable about talking to others in similar situations themselves or with their children because of that privacy issue.), however I encourage you both to talk about it the best you can since it's not nice to bottle up your feelings like I do. It may take a while though because you (school phobia 'victims') feel ashamed and useless and your son needs all of your support right now to make him feel that he's not the only one who feels like this and that it's not abnormal that he feels this way and he can overcome it, there is hope if you find it.

Good luck to you.

-- posted by charli86

Top 42. Aug 24, 2004 10:10 PM

» thiswinterlove - Re: School Phobia and Panic Attacks

In response to message posted by djcee:

Hello there. I'm very happy that I read what you wrote about your son's school phobia. I'm a 15 year old girl who is currently suffering from school phobia. I have had for a full 2 years. Steps are still being taken to solve the problem, and my parents were divorced at a young age, and my older brother, mother and I moved 5 states away a year ago. Things were so depressive, we moved back 3 months later. I can definetly see where you and your son are coming from. I went through the same exact things your son did, school phobia symptoms wise, and still even feel the symptoms til this day. You remind me of my own mother, I swear if she wrote this about me, it would be very similar. Bless you and your son.

-- posted by thiswinterlove

Top 43. Oct 15, 2004 6:37 AM

» kathanbo - school phobia help

I am at my wit's end. My 7 year old has school phobia. He has ADHD and possibly other learning issues, although he is extremely bright and imaginative. Last year, he often shut down in school and refused to cooperate and occasionally tantrumed. This year is different becasue, when he goes to school, he is fine, but he hasn't been able to go more than one or two days a week for the last month. It is a small, private school. They don't have the resources to help me and or take him from me and contain him when he won't get out of car etc. I am pretty much alone in this, although he has a therapist and psychiatrist. He may move to a public school but he tells me he will refuse to go there, too. At least they may have resources to help him more. I am a single parent and don't think homescholing is an option, but that is what he wants. My neighbors home school and he sees no reason why he can't be homeschooled. I have been unable to work because of this, and even if I wanted to home school (which I'm not sure I do), I need to work. I am becomming very isolated b/c, as much as I love him to pieces, I am feeling stuck home with a 7 year old day after day after day. I feel sad for him because he is a well liked, popular kid who has so much to contribute in a class. I've tried talking, hugging, being firm, consequences, rewards--you name it. I am not sure whether to let him stay out or immediately move him to a public school (gotten a variety of advice about options). I don't want to give him the idea that staying home is simply okay to do on the long term. Any advice or support is appreciated, as I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Katie

-- posted by kathanbo

Top 44. Oct 16, 2004 3:00 PM

» charli86 - Re: school phobia help

In response to school phobia help posted by kathanbo:

I'm not sure what advice I can give however it seems as though a smaller school would be much better than a large public one. Quite possibly your son would just become worse from the move- unfamiliar grounds and all that. You said that he's been fine this year however unable to go more than one or two days a week. To me personally, that sounds like an improvement. Wishing you and your son all the best.

Charli

-- posted by charli86

Top 45. Jul 17, 2005 3:15 PM

» Rosie1422 - Re: school phobia help

In response to school phobia help posted by kathanbo:

I can understand both sides as I'm also 15 and I'm suffering the effects of school phobia but my school are finally taking steps to try and help. Now I don't know much about private schools apart from what I've learned from the various prospectus's I sent out for during the days where I tried to fight my fear and attend but there are two options which I know I've contemplated:
1) Find out through any sources you can if there are any school-phobic units near where you live. They are places for children to go to until they can combat their fear. There are most likely waiting lists but during your wait they usually send out tuition. I know there is one near me which I'm still finding out about.
2) Arrange it with the school for your son to go into he school when there will be no one in the corridors and ask if he can sit in an empty classroom (maybe with a teacher or even in a Learning Support Base, if there is one)and do the work he's required to do for 15 minutes or longer but no more than an hour and a half, I should think. Every day he can go and sit and do his work for that amount of time and then come home, it allows him to do more work at home than at school but still lets him ask teachers for help with anything he's stuck on and most importantly it gets him used to being inside the building. That's what I'm doing at the moment. I still feel scared in the morning but I can content myself with the fact that I'll only be there for an hour. The school will undoubtedly try and pressure you or your son into getting him there full-time or longer or they may even not agree to it but don't let them grind you down. The one thing you have to tell them (even better if your son tells them himself) is that he wants to learn but he feels he can't. I was slightly confrontational with my school and told them that I would go in on my terms or I wouldn't go at all, and they wanted me to go so they agreed. Anything is a improvement than total avoidance, I guess. It may work for a little while, a long time or it may not work at all but it's an option that's got me back for a bit and is helping me slightly. Little steps to conquering a big fear. I've started a website about school-phobia which I hope might give some guidance as I feel it's a common problem that just raises too many eyebrows when mentioned as people seem to think us kids just can't be bothered doing the work.

Good Luck and all the best!

-- posted by Rosie1422

Top 46. Nov 6, 2005 3:14 PM

» shrug1997 - Re: Re: school phobia help

In response to Re: school phobia help posted by Rosie1422:

What you are doing at this this moment is what my husband and I are currently trying with our 11 year old daughter. She has been battling school phobia since Kindergarten. We thought that she was beginning to outgrow most of her symptoms until she entered middle school for the first time. After 2 weeks of having nurses, counselors, and teachers tell her to just, "wash your face and get back to class," she finally hit rock bottom. We could not get her help fast enough.

Every therapist office that we called had at least a 2 month waiting list. Her pediatrician finally suggested that we take her to the emergency room after one of her meltdowns at school. She is currently under the care of a psychiatrist who normaly treats only In-Patient clients. She has been taking Zoloft and Clonazepam for the past 5 weeks, and sees her psychiatrist every two weeks.

It was difficult, at first, to get her school to understand the severity of her condition. The administration and counselors were all very willing to do what was best for her, but her 8 teachers were reluctant to give her work outside of the classroom. Because of this, I insisted on identifying her as a "504" student. This means that according to the school district, she is considered at risk of potentially failing or dropping out of school because of factors that are not diaganosed as a student with special needs. Her teachers are now required by law to give her the work that she would normally receive in the classroom, or of it's equivalence. It also states specific goals to get her back into the regular classroom. The teachers are required to use specific strategies deveoped by her psychiatrist, her counselors, and her parents. They must also modify her school work in order that she meet the state standard requirements.

She has been taking small steps to accomplish her goal (Walking into the school). The front office has made her an "honory office assistant." This allows her to get to know her environment and all of the faculty. She is able to sit in one of the counselors office and do her work until noon each day. Someday are really great, and she will come home feeling like she can make it into one of her classes soon. Other days, it is difficult to even get her dressed.

I believe there is a major misconception that children with this phobia are trying to avoid difficult school work or normal pressures. My daughter is a prime example of how false these stereotypes have become. The day we held her "504" meeting, we were already 7 weeks into her 6th grade year. This was the FIRST time all of her teachers were brought together at one time, on her behalf. Some of them seemed quite synical when the meeting proceeded, asking questions like, "Well, how many absences did she have last year?" or, "What were her grades like in the past?" It was at this moment when I realized that not one person from her school had every reviewed her Permanent Records until this day. They were quite taken aback by the response.

Up until this time, my daughter had not missed a day of school in 4 years. She was a straight A student, Execellent behavior, and made COMMENDABLE on her state assesment test every time she took it. The previous year, she ran for Student Counsel Class President, was a memeber of her school choir, lead in the school play, and anchored the t.v. show that was broadcasted to her school each day. This was not a child who wanted to "avoid" school or "avoid" work. Ironically, she had become phobic of the one thing is her life that she was the most passionate about - LEARNING/SCHOOL.

Currently, she has been able to keep up with her honors classwork. Her teachers say she is now 2 Weeks ahead of her peers and makes higher grades than they do in the classroom. I don't know what the future holds for her, or today for that matter. I do know that my child will not be asked to sit in a classroom again unless it is strictly on her terms and without FEAR. This may not be the answer, but as you stated before,"It is what's working for now."

-- posted by shrug1997

Top 47. Dec 16, 2005 12:58 PM

» Rosie1422 - Re: Re: Re: school phobia help

In response to all the other posts here!

I was just wondering if any of you would consider letting me put your stories (no names or personal info, of course) on my website, that's about school phobia. You can have a look at the website by going to either http://www.scared-of-school.tk or http://www.freewebs.com/scared-of-school.

If you don't mind sharing your story for the School Phobic stories page then please don't hesitate to email me at admin@scared-of-school.tk. Full credit will given. I'm only interested in raising awareness and helping others going through this awful struggle.

-- posted by Rosie1422