Is Homosexuality a Choice?

» ooragg - Is homosexuality a choice?

Interesting article, Kimberly. Thanks. I suppose I could be termed "newly gay" although I did not so much make a choice. Married for some 27yrs. and suddenly hearing oneself state to an enquiring friend, "I have no interest in another relationship but I can tell you one thing...if I were it would not be with a man". This had never crossed my mind, not anything I had ever considered in my life, previously. Not only did it shock my friend but having uttered those words I was left speechless. For the next two years or so I spent a great deal of time trying to figure out where this had begun and all the while, an increasing awareness of how just "knowing" changed my personna. I felt I had finally come home to me, I was totally comfortable with myself, inside this skin, for the first time in my life. And just having this new found self-assurance and confidence was enough. I did not seek a relationship, didn't even consider being in one...enough to know that the missing parts of my life's puzzle had been uncovered and were now in place. I have no regrets about my "other life" whatsoever. I believe I had to live all of it to get to where I am today and am grateful for the lessons learned along the way. Some five years after I had uttered those words I found myself in a new relationship with a very wonderful woman...my first, and hopefully for the rest of my life. We have been together for four years, share a home, business, every facet of our lives. Initially, I had grave doubts about her acceptance of me as I now was revealed and coming from where I did. Her awareness and surety of self had been lifelong for her so my concerns were as you stated in your article. It was my good fortune that she is a highly evolved soul and also shares my beliefs. Now I find I am one of hundreds, probably thousands, who have been where I was and somehow found their true selves and in talking with many I know, personally, this is not an easy road to travel either. It's just as difficult telling family and friends, many who have "known" you for more than 20yrs, if not all of your life. However, being the age I am now perhaps makes it easier to be "out". I feel I was in a self-imposed closet for almost 35yrs. and will now allow nothing..and no-one, to cause me to creep back in. I'll look forward to more of your articles and links!

-- posted by ooragg

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» MGM - Does it matter?

I agree with your suppositon that we may never know the genesis of our sexual orientation, and that it "does not matter". The "how" of our lives is just as important as the "why". Great article.
Mark

-- posted by MGM

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» beatlefan79 - Re: Does it matter?

In response to message posted by MGM:

Wow, thanks so much for the positive feedback...and the incredible glimpse into life "out of the closet". It's amazing how we learn new things about ourselves every day!

-- posted by beatlefan79

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» QueerByChoice - Is homosexuality a choice?

Hi Kimberly, thanks for the article . . . I'm the owner of QueerByChoice.com & I'm glad you liked it.

Since you brought up Kinsey's work I'd like to mention that Kinsey was actually far more radically "pro-choice" than he's typically given credit for, and more so even than you gave him credit for in your article. You rightly pointed out the fairly well-known fact that Kinsey saw sexual preferences as existing along a spectrum rather than in separate clearly divided categories; but you didn't mention the far lesser-known fact that Kinsey used his scale merely to measure the percentage of sexual experience that a person had had with each gender at a particular point in their life. Despite the way most people commonly misuse his scale nowadays, Kinsey did not at all intend to imply that people couldn't move from being a "Kinsey 0" at one point in their life to a "Kinsey 5" at a later point. In fact, he repeatedly and adamantly argued that the concepts of heterosexuality and homosexuality should be used only to describe sexual acts, and never the individual people performing the acts.

For more information on this, I highly recommend the article "Homosexuality: What Kinsey Really Said" by William H. DuBay, available online at this URL: http://ssmu.mcgill.ca/queer/info/kinsey....

DuBay's Kinsey article and similar, related materials are also referenced on my own page at http://www.queerbychoice.com/sociolinks.... and I've just added a link to your article on my main links page at http://www.queerbychoice.com/sociolinks.... .
Thanks again for writing it.

Gayle

-- posted by QueerByChoice

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» Sondakhan - evolution and culture

It's funny because we were talking about this kind of thing in my Primate Sexuality class. I am of the opinion that everybody is "capable" of being attracted to someone of the same sex, but that cultural mores prevent most people in our society from acknowledging that, acting on it, or even realizing it. I believe that's why it's more common (at least in my experience) for women to have sexual experiences with other women, and admit their attraction even if they consider themselves to be heterosexual: because they are not likely to be beaten or killed (especially if they still fit the conventional definition of "femininity"), unlike a gay or bisexual male.
But another interesting thing is to question why strict homosexuality evolved. Because, after all, it's not really advantageous to passing on one's genes. I wonder if everybody, even gay people, have the potential to be bisexual and cultural influences pressure people to choose one or the other? (Please nobody get offended. I'm just trying to figure out where the evolutionary advantage is.)

-- posted by Sondakhan

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» katencat - Gender Idenity

Dear Kimberly,

Your article was very good. Most of the same thoughts are considered in the Transgendered Community. It is not really known if it is genetic or nurture that causes a person to be transgendered. Much recent research is pointing to it being genetic. All I know, is that at about the age of 3 or 4 I was asking my mother if I was a girl. I have known all along that I am a female. I grew up in a different cultural age than you and attitudes were very conservative. Being forced to live and be some one that you are not is extremely damaging to the person. Over 30% of transgenderd people commit suicide. How we identify our gender identity, I don't belive is a choice. My former spouse made that statement, your making a choice to be the way you are! No, how can a small child make that kind of decision? How we relate to ourselves is not a choice! Who we prefer as sexual partner is a choice. I suggest that you might want to check out, www.annelawrence.com for more information about being transgendered. She has the best and most complete information on the topic and with many valuable links.

Keep up the good work, and never stop asking questions.

-- posted by katencat

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» blondegeek - Gender Idenity

I loved this article. It was very fair minded. As to the question posed by student in the primate sexuality class: there are many, many other ways to explain human beings other than Darwin's survival of the fittest.
And in fact, Darwin himself stressed the importance of mutation and chance in the development of traits. Also, human development must be seen in the context of a community, not just on an individual basis. Perhaps it is adaptive for the community to have non-breeders who can focus on other things. We are not all just vessels for sperm.

-- posted by blondegeek

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» mcwolf - Re: Is homosexuality a choice?

In response to message posted by ooragg:

You say you were married for 27 years? Did you have children? What implications was there to your husband when you found yourself?

Just Curious.

-- posted by mcwolf

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» ooragg - Re: Re: Is homosexuality a choice?

I'm sorry it has taken this long for me to respond, McWolf...my partner and I own a business in a beach resort and since Spring I haven't had time to check out the "suite" or anything else.

To answer your question(s)...long story but I'll make it as brief as possible. Married at 19yrs. of age, mother at almost 21yrs. First child a daughter, second also a daughter but stillborn. My daughter married and engineer shortly after her 18th. birthday. Two years later, shortly before her 21st. birthday, she found she was delighted to find she was pregnant with their first child. The day after my daughter's 21st. birthday she died in her sleep. For the first couple of years following her death the grief was unbearable to say the least (and at times missing her continues to be, despite the fact that it has been 14yrs. since). However, at such times is when one really takes stock of one's mortality, life and priorities. During this "process" there was much going on that I found unsettling, many questions, few answers, great bewilderment and, ultimately, revelation. Bottom line was I knew in my heart I could not stay in my marriage but how does one part company with someone who is a good and caring person, has never hurt one by either deed or word and who, himself, is as deeply immersed in this shared sorrow? While I was trying to come to some sort of terms with it all, my husband suffered a ruptured aneurysm in the brain requiring surgery. Following surgery he was comatose and two weeks later I was told he was in a persistent vegetative state. His health and life were most unstable and insurance companies, hospital, were ready to discard him to a nursing home. No matter my personal feelings, this man deserved better so I became his strongest ally and advocate, found a rehab centre for him and when they could do no more, I brought him home to care for by myself. He was a quadriplegic, had somewhat emerged from deep coma to approximately a Level V on the coma scale and required 24hrs. round-the-clock-care. His prognosis upon leaving the rehab centre was roughly one year. He lived for four more years and in that time at home made some incredible (for his condition) progress. Of course, at that time, throughout that time, there was no further thought by me of leaving. He was my primary concern for the duration of his life, however long that might have been. It was sometime after he died before I met my partner...I wasn't looking for anyone in my life, to share my life and, frankly, at my age it didn't occur to me that it could happen.

It's a very long story but I will tell you that sometime before my husband died I did tell him that I knew I was a lesbian. He smiled and nodded as if it were no surprise to him. And I have to confess that this shook me more than anything. I guess it could be said that my transition was easy...it wasn't. Being honest with him was painful and difficult, his circumstances not making it any easier. But I have no regrets about telling him.

-- posted by ooragg

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