Its Time For a New Sexual Revolution: Why I talk about talking about sex?

» pentimento - Why I talk about talking about sex?

A large part of the rape education and prevention work that I do revolves around the issue of consent, of asking and getting a positive response before you hug, touch, kiss, etc. someone else. My school actually has a policy in place that that says that you must "ask first." When most people hear about this policy, they think that it's crazy. They say that communicating about sex will "ruin the moment," or "will make them look stupid" or that "sex isn't something that you talk about, you just 'do it!'" What they are getting at, which is something that Pepper Swartz, one of the national experts on Sexology has argued, that policies such as this are sex negative, a way to inhibit the free expression of sexual desires.

Thinking this way misses the point. How can you ever achieve the full spectrum of your sexual desire if you don't talk about it? It's like getting a backrub. If you don't tell your partner where your tight, sore, or tender, how can you expect them to know? Last night your shoulders may have been tied in knots. Tonight it may be your lower back. Last night, (or week or month) you may have loved being kissed behind the neck, and this morning, it may feel creepy, gross, or just sloppy wet. Five minutes ago, you may have gotten off the phone with your mother, and your libido dropped accordingly. Now, you may be revved up and rarin' to go. How will your partner know if you don't tell when, where and how? So to me, this sort of policy is actually very sex positive.

At the same time, this sort of policy is very empowering because it puts it out there that everyone has a choice to say either yes or no.

-- posted by pentimento