Abuse and Eating Disorders

» tues82 - If this is true...

If this is true, it answers alot of questions I didn't even know to ask. I've been strugling with bulimia for almost 6 years now. I'm married now, I want to have a family, a normal life, but I'm still having trouble putting this behind me. I come from a physically abusive home. Both my parents physically and mentaly abused me my whole life. I was married 6 months ago, and even at my wedding, in front of all my family and friends, they still had to tear me down in any way possible. My father stood up to make his speech, and all it consisted of was "I'm glad to be rid of this burden" I live hundreds of miles away from my parents, I see them maybe once a year, but in my fathers mind, I'm still a burden. I became an over eater when I was about 11, and I became very obesse. The kids at school were cruel and mean to me, and even my friends were just as cruel sometimes. In my senior year of high school, I decided enough was enough. I wanted to be thin and pretty and have a boyfriend like all the other girls. So I found a way to deal with my over eating....Bulimia. I lost about 50 lbs in 6 motnhs. I got a boyfriend, people started paying attention to me, liking me even. Today when people from high school see me, they don't recognize me. I'm a stripper now. I feel confertable enough with myself to get on a stage, naked, and dance for a living. This job was a blessing and a curse. All day long men tell you how beautiful you are, how they'll do anything for you. At first you feel so empowred, like you can have anything from anyone, just because your pretty. But in reality, this fed my addiction, making me want to be thinner, prettier, I have to be better than the next girl. After awhile I realized that these people, these men, were all false. They didn't like me for me, they wanted something from me, they were using me for thier own sick pleasure. So I started using them right back. I've lost respect where I should of gained it by now. And I also don't have respect for myself, or dignity. I hust people, I ridicule people, I make fun of people for being different. I told myself I would never single any one out for being different, because I knew how it felt, to have poeple look at you in "that way" that could best be described as a disgusted look. I've become what I hate. The next step is to become my parents. I'm terrified of having kids. Sometimes I can't control the way I act, and I can't control my anger. I don't want to put another child through what I had to go through. My therapist told me to keep a notebook of what I'm feeling while binging and purging, but the only consistency is that I don't feel anything. Because of this article, I have an idea why. It's the lack of emotion that makes me do it. If you force so many things down for so long, eventually emotions that you don't want to go away end up being forced down also. You can't feel one without the other so to speak. I have trouble telling people I love them and care about them. I have trouble even hugging people. There has to be another way to deal with the pain. How do I put a lifetime of abuse behind me? How do I put my life back together after all that I've been through and all I've done to myself? When I was a teenager, before I was bulimic, I used to cut myself. My arms, My legs...I had no idea why I was doing it. It's the same thing now, I have no idea why I still binge and purge. I don't want to do it anymore, but the voice in side my head won't be quieted. I would like anything anyone has to offer on these subjects. Please email questions, comments, or suggestions to tues_82@yahoo.com

-- posted by tues82

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» tues82 - If this is true...

If this is true, it answers alot of questions I didn't even know to ask. I've been strugling with bulimia for almost 6 years now. I'm married now, I want to have a family, a normal life, but I'm still having trouble putting this behind me. I come from a physically abusive home. Both my parents physically and mentaly abused me my whole life. I was married 6 months ago, and even at my wedding, in front of all my family and friends, they still had to tear me down in any way possible. My father stood up to make his speech, and all it consisted of was "I'm glad to be rid of this burden" I live hundreds of miles away from my parents, I see them maybe once a year, but in my fathers mind, I'm still a burden. I became an over eater when I was about 11, and I became very obesse. The kids at school were cruel and mean to me, and even my friends were just as cruel sometimes. In my senior year of high school, I decided enough was enough. I wanted to be thin and pretty and have a boyfriend like all the other girls. So I found a way to deal with my over eating....Bulimia. I lost about 50 lbs in 6 motnhs. I got a boyfriend, people started paying attention to me, liking me even. Today when people from high school see me, they don't recognize me. I'm a stripper now. I feel confertable enough with myself to get on a stage, naked, and dance for a living. This job was a blessing and a curse. All day long men tell you how beautiful you are, how they'll do anything for you. At first you feel so empowred, like you can have anything from anyone, just because your pretty. But in reality, this fed my addiction, making me want to be thinner, prettier, I have to be better than the next girl. After awhile I realized that these people, these men, were all false. They didn't like me for me, they wanted something from me, they were using me for thier own sick pleasure. So I started using them right back. I've lost respect where I should of gained it by now. And I also don't have respect for myself, or dignity. I hurt people, I ridicule people, I make fun of people for being different. I told myself I would never single any one out for being different, because I knew how it felt, to have people look at you in "that way" that could best be described as a disgusted look. I've become what I hate. The next step is to become my parents. I'm terrified of having kids. Sometimes I can't control the way I act, and I can't control my anger. I don't want to put another child through what I had to go through. My therapist told me to keep a notebook of what I'm feeling while binging and purging, but the only consistency is that I don't feel anything. Because of this article, I have an idea why. It's the lack of emotion that makes me do it. If you force so many things down for so long, eventually emotions that you don't want to go away end up being forced down also. You can't feel one without the other so to speak. I have trouble telling people I love them and care about them. I have trouble even hugging people. I also have a hard time asking for help, whether I need gas money, or just asking someone to listen. There has to be another way to deal with the pain. How do I put a lifetime of abuse behind me? How do I put my life back together after all that I've been through and all I've done to myself? When I was a teenager, before I was bulimic, I used to cut myself. My arms, My legs...I had no idea why I was doing it. It's the same thing now, I have no idea why I still binge and purge. I don't want to do it anymore, but the voice in side my head won't be quieted. I would like anything anyone has to offer on these subjects. Please email questions, comments, or suggestions to tues_82@yahoo.com

-- posted by tues82

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» Hyzteria - help?

yanno...I've never considered myself fat & no body else does...I'm an average sized girl...but my mother constantly tells me I'm fat, so i resulted to starving myself or making myself throw up. & now its even harder...one of my best friends hates me & shes telling everyone...its not like i do it for attention, its my mother...every 2 seconds i hear "god your fat" or "stop eating" & she doesn't even care what it does 2 me... =[

-- posted by Hyzteria

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