punishment vs abandonment vs fear
- WolfWarrior
- redflower18
- plastiktrance
- redflower18
- WolfWarrior
- Chura
- Iloveuoy
- karenjoy
- grippedwithgrace
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» WolfWarrior - Do you fear losing control?
I have been reading some of the recent posts about the feelings that seem to occur and overwhelm different ones when their therapists are out of town or have to make changes in scheduling. For the individual with DID, the changes in routine seem like personal affronts or an open or intentional offense.There has also been discussion about punishment and the more negative alters that want to harm the body and seem to resist anyone within that is trying to become more healthy.
I think that the most basic emotion underlying the change in routine or the need to punish is fear. It is partially a fear of abandonment and rejection....but it is most of all the fear of losing control.
There is an unspoken and invisible external control that clients with DID believe that the therapist provides. There is also the fear of those within that punish the body that getting "healthier" will mean that they lose control and will not be needed.
For the victim of abuse, any change in routine becomes a threat. Victims have been taught ... indirectly and directly through verbal abuse and physical torture..... that anything that happens to them that is bad happens because of something the person did, did not do, or because they are bad to begin with and do not deserve anything good.
These old teaching tapes play over and over in the mind and the alters who have NOT yet learned a different way of thinking and believing seek to punish and abuse the body. The punishment may come in physical form such as cutting or burning, risky life styles or promiscuousness. It may also come as taunting and verbal name calling and put downs.
Often these punishing alters are verbally mimicking the very same words that the abusers used on them as children. These alters rarely will admit that they are afraid, yet it is often fear that drives them. They are afraid that they will lose control and will not be wanted or needed anymore. They behave in the only way they know, which is to portray the behavior of the ones who hurt them.
Some examples may include:
"You are so stupid! You should know better than to trust anybody to begin with. They will only let you down. You don't need them anyway!"
"You don't deserve to get well or be happy. No one wants you anyway. You are sick and crazy and everyone knows that so why don't you just give up and die."
Try to remember that these "punishing" alters are also victims of pain, cruelty, and abuse. They have not yet learned that things are now different and that there are healthier ways to express fear or hurt.
In trying to overcome the inevitable changes that occur in therapy, there are some steps that victims can take that will help.
1. The client can first talk with their therapist about how the changes are going to affect them, emotionally and realistically. Discuss alternatives such as another therapist or ways to cope during their absence if they must be away for a time.
2. Change is usually an emotional roller coaster for anyone with an abusive past, so it will also require doing some healthy self talk. Talk and explain to yourself AND your alters about the REAL reasons the therapist has to make changes in the counseling sessions. Remind yourself that the past is p-a-s-t and that this is here and now. The reasons that things happened when you were younger are NOT the same now. You can choose how to handle the disappointment and put it into perspective.
ie: "Yes, the therapist is changing my sessions, but it is because of problems that SHE is having in HER life right now and have nothing to do with me. It does affect me, but it is NOT because of me."
"Yes it is scary. I feel lost and alone and thrown to the wolves. But I have felt this before and I have made it through and I can do it again and do it in a healthier way this time"
"Yes, I have lost people that I cared about in the past, but I am NOT losing anyone now. It only FEELS like it and since feelings cannot distinguish the difference, I will tell them."
"Yes, I feel overwhelmed and like I will lose all control and then will do something horrid and that will prove I am no good...but those are feelings that I was TAUGHT to have and they have NOTHING to do with this situation right now. I CAN put things into perspective and I can handle them and I am a survivor. I don't have to use the old coping mechanisms anymore. I can choose better and different ways of handling this fear."
Those are just a few of the examples that I can think of right now.
When there are changes occurring in the therapeutic relationship it is a good time to gather together your inner "helper" alters. These are the one's that tend to establish calmness inside and tend to have a role similar to the one the therapist has. Tell them what is happening and ask them to help you through the tough time.
Remind yourself that you have made it through changes before. Try to realize that it may seem that the therapist has the stability and control that you need to make it.........but you actually have that strength within you.
Help your inner alters to realize that no one has to be punished anymore ever. No one is "bad." There are good ways to deal with the pain and fear and isolation that you or they may feel... and they do not require harming the body.
Ask the ones who want to punish what other more productive things they would like to do. Everyone, even the most withdrawn or seemingly naughty one, has something they would enjoy or like to do. ((Going to the park, riding a merry go round, eating ice cream, something. )) Most inner alters have never been allowed to think of anything "good" they would like to do let alone asked what they think.
While your therapist is unavailable, or when there are feelings of disappointment and anger and fear so that someone inside wants to punish the body, take that time to journal the feelings that you may have, positive and negative. Make a collage or draw the feelings out. Allow everyone to have their time to express their own feelings and things in this safer and more positive way.
Hope this helps.
Stay safe.
Take care
-- posted by WolfWarrior
» redflower18 - Re: Do you fear losing control?
In response to Do you fear losing control? posted by WolfWarrior:Hi Wolfwarrior,
Thanks for your encouraging ideas and explanations. I had hoped you would write something about this because I`ve noticed your advice makes good sense.
I`ll bring up your comments on "punishment" in the next therapy session. The big problem will be to give the punisher an alternative to harming the body. This is something she does not seem to understand up til now. She says, "It has to be. That is the law of the system. The system MUST NOT change"
However, I will try to put your advice into practice. Thank you.
Redflower
-- posted by redflower18
» plastiktrance - Re: Do you fear losing control?
In response to Do you fear losing control? posted by WolfWarrior:Hi Wolf Warrior and Redflower,
I wanted to report I've gathered everyone and have come to our senses about Dr. Jan being gone. Your ideas for coping are exactly what I ended up doing. By the way, I was able to stay safe and not self-injure through my distress. One thing I found very helpful was to mirror my own therapist's behavior. She is a very kind, gentle and non-judgemental person. So, I didn't argue with my parts. I let them journal any and all suicidal and self-destructive thoughts without judgement or any arguments. This was so helpful.
I've also arranged to see another psychologist who I"VE known for about 15 years. I like and trust her.
I was driven to regroup because of my relationship with Dr. Jan. I felt it was important to get to a state of "well-being" so she could concentrate on helping her father and not concern herself with me at this time. Giving her this gift of "well-being" and assuring her I'll be fine was very important.
We have agreed to address my severe abandonment issues when things get settled with her. I have never truly addressed this issue in depth. I seem to avoid it like the plague.
Plastiktrance
-- posted by plastiktrance
» redflower18 - Re: Re: Do you fear losing control?
In response to Re: Do you fear losing control? posted by plastiktrance:Hi Plastiktrance,
What a wonderful piece of news!!! It is so encouraging to experience how someone is getting on top of really difficult situations.
This has given me renewed courage to "do" something about the punishment question. Please do keep in touch about your progress.
Redflower
-- posted by redflower18
» WolfWarrior - Re: Re: Do you fear losing control?
In response to Re: Do you fear losing control? posted by plastiktrance:WOW. I am sooooo proud of you and all of your parts for sticking together and working together... and having such a growth spurt. You have really come a long way. Keep us all posted.
That is GREAT!
-- posted by WolfWarrior
» Chura - Re: Re: Re: Do you fear losing control?
In response to Re: Re: Do you fear losing control? posted by WolfWarrior:Good job to Trance and Redflower (welcome, BTW)! And thanks to WolfWarrior for more wisdom -- I always enjoy and learn from your posts. I'm glad the two of you are staying with therapy. Never lose sight of how brave you are to stick with it! So many people never start or drop out. Give yourselves a round of applause!
-- posted by Chura
» Iloveuoy - Re:do you fear losing control
Hello. This is my first time to this message board. I am proud to see others living with these difficult issues seemingly making great efforts to better them selves, heal and grow. I see individuals here taking responsibility for their own life and internal growth. It takes such courage to ask for help and it takes even more courage to apply in your own life suggestions that others offer. Kudos to you all. It strengthens, inspires and empowers me to read posts such as these. With your attitudes, Life for you-and I-can only get healthier while inner peace progress, grow stronger.-- posted by Iloveuoy
» karenjoy - Re:do you fear losing control
In response to Re:do you fear losing control posted by Iloveuoy:Yes, Yes!
-- posted by karenjoy
» grippedwithgrace - Re:do you fear losing control
In response to Re:do you fear losing control posted by Iloveuoy:This is my first time on this site. I have been searching for a safe place to find support. I was just diagnosed with MPD. I have a lot of fear, but I also have faith that I am going to heal. Thanks for your entries. I have already been encouraged by your stories and entries.
-- posted by grippedwithgrace
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