depression ruining a relationship..help!: 'some things aren't sustainable'

» triddyxx - 'some things aren't sustainable'

My boyfriend and I broke up two weeks ago. I've been battling with depression for a number of years but been going a lot better these last couple of months. We were going out for one year and he is a beautiful person, but I think dealing with my depression just got too much.
I understand that it would be draining for him. One minute I'm smiling, enjoying myself and the next minute I'm crying and I can't explain why.
A couple of days before we broke up I had a big crash and was and emotional mess all day - i couldn't make decisions, I cried on the phone to him that morning, cried because he was annoyed at having to drive in to see me, and then had to leave the dinner table at the restaurant because I was crying again. I tried not to because I know it gets him down but I just had an overwhelming compulsion to cry and I couldn't control it. When he left to go home I cried for nearly two hours - I couldn't handle being alone because I felt so out of control and scared and heavy and like I wasn't coping and all I wanted was for someone to hold me and tell me it would be ok. I rang him crying and he couldn't understand me and he was frustrated. It was the last straw.
I was already on antidepressants and generally had been a lot better but the crash was related to my cycle. The doctor has put up my dose so the crash won't be so bad next month.
Anyway, I feel so mixed up right now. I am not a crazy woman although it might sound like it. I go to uni, I am a musician, I work casually and most people don't know how things really are for me. Part of me thinks my ex is smart - i'd walk away from my depression too if i could! He used to be so caring and loving and accepting and supportive... he tried to fix it and he couldn't so i think he threw in the towel.
When I ask why he said 'some things aren't sustainable' - referring to the lastest crash.
You see, he did at times express his frustration at my mood changes and emotional fragility. This made me put a lot of pressure on myself to be better for him and it also made me feel extra guilty everytime i wasn't perfectly stable. It made an unbalance occur in our relationship and I became emotionally dependent on him and needed his reassurance. He hated that and reacted to my asking for affection which made me even more insecure in our relationship. I'm not blaming - just showing how we both contributed to the cycle of trying to meet eachothers unfair expectations.
I do love him but I don't like who I became when we were together. But with the insight I have gained I believe I could do things differently and if he was willing, he could too and we could make things work. Fact is, he isn't willing and he seems really angry and frustrated that I want to work things out.
It is hard. He is the first boy I have loved. I have revealed and shared with him more than I have with anyone. I really trusted him and thought we would have a long and successful relationship.
I can't make him change, but I can validate myself and the work and progress I continue to make. I guess I'm angry that he doesn't think I'm worth sticking things out but I'm also angry with myself for making it so important to please him rather than myself.
If you have a partner with depression, I believe you when you say it is tough and puts a massive strain on the relationship. You can't fix someone else. But you can love them, affirm them, reassure them of what they are able to do, and speak honestly but gently about how you are feeling. My partner didn't talk very openly - at times he did and it all flooded out and at other times he said things were fine but they were really just building up and he was getting less tolerant.
I don't know if it is going to help anyone by reading this novel! If only I could write this much on my assignment! I guess I'm just saying that I acknowledge that it is hard for the partner, but, it is hard for me too. And what I can control I will and what I can learn from I will. But I can't mould myself into the depresssionless person you'd rather me be.
I want to be loved. I want someone to be understanding of my needs even if they don't understand why. I want to be able to shower my love and affection on someone else and support and love and understand them. I want to be an equal, not a kid that needs to grow up. I want someone to be able to take the beautiful parts of me as well as the challenging parts. I want my partner to be happy and not see me as a burden. I want him to be proud of me and to realise my strengths, not just my weaknesses.
I'm sorry it is hard, but I'm doing the best I can. Love, affirmation, acceptance and open communication goes a long way.
Head up guys - we're all doing the best we can under the circumstances we are in, right? And I can't blame my partner or myself for not doing things differently. I, at least, will try learn and move on, although I'd really like to not be doing that on my own.

-- posted by triddyxx