depression ruining a relationship..help!
- BenjaminS
- blueguitar
- Confused415
- triddyxx
- olliefoz
- rob2k3
- rob2k3
- Mach1
- durealeminem
- durealeminem
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» BenjaminS - Will depression end everything?
responhref="/discussion.cfm/depression/90541/1155096">Will depression end everything? posted by SaveMe:I don't know if you will get this message. I just read what you wrote now and it is so late. I hope I can help. I am in a relationship with someone with deppression. I love her very, very much. She is in love with me. She doesn't want to hurt me so she is currently trying to recover seperately from me. She knows that her words might hurt me. She is taking new meds, seeking the help of docs and councilors. Most importantly she is taking time for herself and KEEPING THINGS SIMPLE. She doesn't communicate with me as much as I would like but I know I have to understand that she needs this time for herself. I must not lose hope that she WILL get better. All is lost if I lose hope. The same goes for you I am sure.
-- posted by BenjaminS
» blueguitar - Ex girlfriend on the edge
Depression seems to run rampent in my family. Both my parents have struggled with it ( my mother has been medicatrd for ten years ) and am no stranger to it's pitfalls. I spent 10 years with my first girlfriend and always suspected she suffered as well. Over a year ago we broke up after I admitted that I was unfaithful to her. It was a horrible thing to do on my part and after going to therapy we decided it was best if we parted but remain friends. Not long after that she began to take a turn for the worst. She began calling me with threats of suicide and soon had to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital. She still continues to call me and I try to do all I can for her but she refuses to seek help for herself. Even though I hurt her she claims that I am still the only person she feels close to. She also says that she is losing her family becasue she felt close to my father ( her father left her in childhood ). Its as if it is my job to fix her life since I have destroyed it. She drinks when I am not there and seems intent on destroying her life and calling to tell me about it. I still care about her but I want her to try and help herself. Since we spent so long together I cant walk away but the relationship is talking everything out of me. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier just to get back together even though I dont really want to. But if this continues my depression will only worsen.-- posted by blueguitar
» Confused415 - What to do??
I just found out a month ago that my boyfriend of 1 1/2 yrs has been suffering from depression most of his life. I had no clue. On a trip to Puerto Rico last year, we had a HUGE fight, and after he calmed down, he told me that he wanted this relationship to work, but he also admitted that he had anger management issues. I loved and cared about his so much at the time, that I was willing to work with him on it. Problem was, he didn't want to see help.It's not May 2006, and we have broken up now for a month. In the weeks leading up to the breakup, I was getting frustrated with his behavior. It seemed like EVERYTHING was bothering him, and he'd end up having angry thoughts. ALthough he never took out his anger on me, he'd kick things around, or punch a wall. After thinking things over for a few days, I realized that I was getting tired of his erratic behavior. He was a walking time bomb, and I never knew what would set him off. I called him one night to tell him that I was thinking that we should part ways. After I spoke, he admitted to suffering from deep depression most of his life. He believe that I was his last hope, and if I couldn't handle him, then he would have to accept the fact that he would be alone for the rest of his life. In addition to that statement, he screamed out that he hated himself, hated the direction in life that he was going it, and bursted into tears. I didn't realize how much pain he was in. He hid everything so well - I asked if his friends or family knew of his condition, and he said no. I became very concerned and regretted taking the path of breaking up. I had no clue. Now he's pushed me aside and has said very hurtful things to me. I've done so much research on depression/anger, and now as I reflect back, I see all the symptoms. I tried to talk to him, but his anger towards me is so severe that he's said hurtful and spiteful things to me. I have to believe that it's not him speaking, but I don't know what to do. I've reached out to his two friends to have them look over him. He was disappointed in that I would discuss these things with his friends, and I feel that I have been pushed even further out of that circle. I didn't feel like I had any choice. He mentioned that he has been depressed to the point where he's considered suicide. These were all serious concerns and that is why I felt that I had to tell someone in that circle since I've been pushed out. It's been one month, since I last saw him. We've had one or two emails since then, and an awful phone call where he screamed out that he didn't want to see me. I care so much for him. I love him so much, but I don't know what to do. I only wish that he could have told me all his issues earlier so that I could understand what he was going through, and perhaps support him on seeking help. If I only knew what he was struggling with, I would have been more patient and wouldn't have gotten mad each time he had these angry outbursts. Do they miss you after they've pushed you away? Do they think of you? Why do they tell you all of these things, then push you so far away?? I felt that it was a small cry for help. His two friends told me that he seems fine - same person as usual. Did I rally make him unhappy? Is he really happy without me? He told me that there was nothing I said or did that had any bearing on how he was feeling. If it wasn't me, what was it? He just wants to avoid everything. Is there anything I can do? I've reached out and told him that I'm here. I'm willing to listen. I love him and miss him so much. Please advise...
-- posted by Confused415
» triddyxx - 'some things aren't sustainable'
Hi all,My boyfriend and I broke up two weeks ago. I've been battling with depression for a number of years but been going a lot better these last couple of months. We were going out for one year and he is a beautiful person, but I think dealing with my depression just got too much.
I understand that it would be draining for him. One minute I'm smiling, enjoying myself and the next minute I'm crying and I can't explain why.
A couple of days before we broke up I had a big crash and was and emotional mess all day - i couldn't make decisions, I cried on the phone to him that morning, cried because he was annoyed at having to drive in to see me, and then had to leave the dinner table at the restaurant because I was crying again. I tried not to because I know it gets him down but I just had an overwhelming compulsion to cry and I couldn't control it. When he left to go home I cried for nearly two hours - I couldn't handle being alone because I felt so out of control and scared and heavy and like I wasn't coping and all I wanted was for someone to hold me and tell me it would be ok. I rang him crying and he couldn't understand me and he was frustrated. It was the last straw.
I was already on antidepressants and generally had been a lot better but the crash was related to my cycle. The doctor has put up my dose so the crash won't be so bad next month.
Anyway, I feel so mixed up right now. I am not a crazy woman although it might sound like it. I go to uni, I am a musician, I work casually and most people don't know how things really are for me. Part of me thinks my ex is smart - i'd walk away from my depression too if i could! He used to be so caring and loving and accepting and supportive... he tried to fix it and he couldn't so i think he threw in the towel.
When I ask why he said 'some things aren't sustainable' - referring to the lastest crash.
You see, he did at times express his frustration at my mood changes and emotional fragility. This made me put a lot of pressure on myself to be better for him and it also made me feel extra guilty everytime i wasn't perfectly stable. It made an unbalance occur in our relationship and I became emotionally dependent on him and needed his reassurance. He hated that and reacted to my asking for affection which made me even more insecure in our relationship. I'm not blaming - just showing how we both contributed to the cycle of trying to meet eachothers unfair expectations.
I do love him but I don't like who I became when we were together. But with the insight I have gained I believe I could do things differently and if he was willing, he could too and we could make things work. Fact is, he isn't willing and he seems really angry and frustrated that I want to work things out.
It is hard. He is the first boy I have loved. I have revealed and shared with him more than I have with anyone. I really trusted him and thought we would have a long and successful relationship.
I can't make him change, but I can validate myself and the work and progress I continue to make. I guess I'm angry that he doesn't think I'm worth sticking things out but I'm also angry with myself for making it so important to please him rather than myself.
If you have a partner with depression, I believe you when you say it is tough and puts a massive strain on the relationship. You can't fix someone else. But you can love them, affirm them, reassure them of what they are able to do, and speak honestly but gently about how you are feeling. My partner didn't talk very openly - at times he did and it all flooded out and at other times he said things were fine but they were really just building up and he was getting less tolerant.
I don't know if it is going to help anyone by reading this novel! If only I could write this much on my assignment! I guess I'm just saying that I acknowledge that it is hard for the partner, but, it is hard for me too. And what I can control I will and what I can learn from I will. But I can't mould myself into the depresssionless person you'd rather me be.
I want to be loved. I want someone to be understanding of my needs even if they don't understand why. I want to be able to shower my love and affection on someone else and support and love and understand them. I want to be an equal, not a kid that needs to grow up. I want someone to be able to take the beautiful parts of me as well as the challenging parts. I want my partner to be happy and not see me as a burden. I want him to be proud of me and to realise my strengths, not just my weaknesses.
I'm sorry it is hard, but I'm doing the best I can. Love, affirmation, acceptance and open communication goes a long way.
Head up guys - we're all doing the best we can under the circumstances we are in, right? And I can't blame my partner or myself for not doing things differently. I, at least, will try learn and move on, although I'd really like to not be doing that on my own.
-- posted by triddyxx
» olliefoz - depression ruined our relationship
In response to depression ruined our relationship posted by stp123:I am currently in a very similar position, and feel, like you, that it is all my fault, although I have been looking stuff up on the internet to try to understand the whole thing better. My boyfriend and I were together for a year and a half and were very much in love.Everyone said how good we were together, and he always told me how much he loved me and how happy he was with me. For the last 4 months we were living together. He is suffering from clinical depression as he is currently going through a divorce. It was his decision to end the relationship with his wife and he now feels extreme guilt over it, which I know is a symptom of depression. he doesnt want to get back with her, but it is causing him so much stress that he suffers from depression. He was only diagnosed with depression 6 months ago, and started taking meds for it, which seemed to help at first but now don't seem to make any difference.But he ended it a week and a half ago, saying that he couldn't cope with it all, and that he just needed to be on his own. He said he just wants to go to work and go home and not have to worry about anything else.He has moved in to his sisters house and I am left alone in our house. This has happened once before with us, when we weren't living together, and I just emailed or texted him occasionally to let him know i was there for him if he needed someone to talk to.He ended up getting back in touch after a few weeks and we were together again. This time though we had a huge fight when he left because I was having a hard time understanding why he wanted to be alone,even though he said he still loved me. I feel like i pushed him away. I have done the same thing since, let him know that I am there for him by text and e-mail. He hasn't been in touch and I worry that he never will.I am the same as you, I don't know what to do. I want to be there for him but at the same time I don't want to keep e-mailing him and push him further away.I feel completely helpless and wish he would realise that I want to help him and that he is not a burden to me, which he told me he thinks he is. Have you had any further developments since you posted your message? Having read up a lot on the internet about depression, I would say you are doing the right thing, letting him know that you are worried but are there for him. I know how hard that is though, trying to be patient. It is so hard worrying about him, when at the same you are going through the depression that the end of a relationship naturally brings about. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through, and this is the 2nd time I have gone through it. I think it will always be like this even if we did get back together. Anyone else going through similar or have any advice?
-- posted by olliefoz
» rob2k3 - Depression broke us up
Hi..I had a great 1st six months with my girlfriend(now ex). We were haoppy and loving and did so many things together. She had been dealing with alot, she had studied abroad for a smester ad really had a hard time adjusting to life back here. Shortly after Christmas, her depression began to take its toll onj our relationship. She seemed to be distancing herself, her sex drive was prety much non-existent, she hated the way she looked and was uncomfortable with how she looked. She became obsessed with going to the gym and improving herself. She would cry for no apparent reason and it seemed that every time I tried to do anything for her she pushed me farther away. I told her that I was thinking about ending it, and she said...that she wanted me with her to get her through it. So, I stood by her because I loved her/us. She then breaks up with me saying that she doesnt feel the passion anymore (well..not surprising, she let it be that way..I couldnt force her to do anything). Her depression put a wall between herself and me...and she showed me the door. She claims that she lost all her intimate feelings that she had for me. Any advice...Should I completely walk away..or should I try to let her know I'm there occasionally. She claims that she feels awful about it and knows that I was a wonderful boyfriend who never did anything wrong. She appreciated me and was so genuine until her depression really took over. Then she treated me like a person who treated her like shit. But me knowing she was going through it stood by her. We have hooked up once since we broke up./..and I said to her...so much for no intimate feelings. What do i Do???-- posted by rob2k3
» rob2k3 - 'some things aren't sustainable'
In response to 'some things aren't sustainable' posted by triddyxx:Being on the other end of it...I stood by my girlfriend through her depression...and my love and effort didnt do much for her. It infavt made her pull farther away. Its ironic that sometimes the one thing they need the most they push away. I was always loving to her...she even said it. She stated that i treated her like a queen and that she doesnt understand why she acted the way she did in the end. Thing is, it puts the other party in an almost no-win situation. They can either leave the person, or stick through it with them. I stuck through it, but it became too much..and she showed me the door. I am glad that you know you need to get through it on your own, and also, if your bf wasnt supportive of you through it, that should tell you alot. Unconditional love is what we are after. Even if your partner is having a ahrd time, you must continue to love them..thats what love is all about.
-- posted by rob2k3
» Mach1 - I can't believe how familiar all of this sounds!
I've been with my current Girlfriend for about 6 months, I knew she suffered from depression from the outset but i'm a pretty laid back guy and I thought I could deal with it, Wrong!.The last few weeks have been terrible, she stopped her taking her medication on the basis she felt slightly better and the side effects were getting her down. Gradually things have got her more and more down. It really came to a head at the beginning of last week, when we finally cleared the air over a few things. She told me the way she felt had been building over the past couple of weeks.
Today she emailed me and said she wanted me to "give her some space" for a couple of weeks. What really hurts is that she's locking me out. I can understand she wants to be left alone at times but on the other hand this is the woman I love and I feel I should be there for her. She turns to her best friend, who also suffers, for support and I just feel like i'm left on the sidelines.
We live apart at the moment so I can back away, but one day we hope to move in together and it won't be so easy for either of us then if we remain as we are.
She's got a lower dose of medication and is going to counselling, but at this moment i'm feeling extremely confused and hurt.
I really do love her but it's killing me at the minute!
-- posted by Mach1
» durealeminem - Don't be like me....get help now
Where to begin. I met this beautiful girl a couple years ago and fell in love with her. Like most of the time, early in the relatonship, things were going extremely well. After a few months, my girlfriend kept telling me time and time again that she noticed I had been acting very different. The whole damn time.....I knew exactly what it was. I was depressed, I had been for quite awhile in my life, but I think I mask it quite well. (This is not good 2 do). She has never asked me if I am depressed...no one else really has, but I certainly feel it. I have never been to a doctor for depression but I am constantly unwilling to get help for this. I think it's because I'm a guy and well, we don't like to talk about these things. But anyways back to the story. She would constantly email me about problems she was having in her life, and I felt little compassion for her and didn't really do anything to help her. Eventually she met another guy who is far nicer and more compassionate than the depression let's me be. And a few days ago she told me she doesn't want to go out with my anymore because she's in love with this new guy. I can honestly not blame her 4 this....he's been there for her and I sure as hell have not. Now I find myself begging for her to take me back. She says she just needs time to decide what she wants. I feel that I have totally caused this, if I wasn't so tired all the time and unwilling to do things she wanted to do, I'd be my old self again (friendlier, funnier) and we'd probably be just as happy as in the beginning. The truth is that I miss SOOOOO much. I actually cry thinking about what I have caused to happen. I wouldn't want to be with me either if I were her. I can't even get myself to tell her......I honestly wish someone else would for me. But anyways get help if you're like me cuz you'll end up the same way if you don't.-- posted by durealeminem
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