Emotional Healing/Energy Release/Grief Work
Read the article this discussion is about
- Choli
- Pyewacket218
- joy2meu
- ncgirl5
- joy2meu
- MitziMalone
- reduex2
- joy2meu
This archived discussion is "read only".
For the corresponding "live" discussions, post in the active topic forum here.
» Pyewacket218 - Re: Grief Work
In response to message posted by Choli:How incredibly brave of you. I am reacting with all the terror that he wrote of... "if I ever really owned the pain, I would end up crying in a rubber room for the rest of my life." But your post has given me some courage. Thanks.
-- posted by Pyewacket218
» joy2meu - It does take courage
It does take courage to do the grief work. What was important for me was to realize that courage doesn't feel powerful. Courage comes when we are scared and still move forward. It is because we have fear that we need courage and faith.And the part of it that is hardest to get past, is our fear of the feelings. It is the fear of the fear - and pain and anger and grief - that can be paralyzing. When we force ourselves to take the next step and then the next, we can get through things we never thought possible.
Ultimately, I ended up doing the grief work because it is what I needed to do to be True to myself. It was what my Spirit guided me to do. And it was the gateway to finding some freedom, inner peace, and Joy in my life.
Robert
-- posted by joy2meu
» ncgirl5 - Working on the Grief
I have been doing the grief work for a month or so now, and it's beginning to frighten me. I don't know that there's a 'right' or 'wrong' way to do it, but I cry and scream for hours at a time sometimes. A couple of weeks ago, I took a half day of vacation from work, came home, and proceeded to cry for FIVE hours straight. Sometimes I begin to wonder if I'm just losing my mind in some way. What's 'normal' for grieving? I cry at home, I've cried at my desk, I've cried in the ladies room, I've cried in my car. It seems like an endless torrent. I do see some results from it though - I'm beginning to recognize all my 'inner children'. I'm realizing things that I never thought of before as to why I behave the way I do in certain situations, and I've actually been able to have NEW reactions instead of the 'old' reactions. All of that is wonderful and great, but the 'one good day' 'one bad day' see-saw is a little frightening and I don't know of anyone else's experience to compare it to. What's a 'typical' length of time for grief work? Does anyone know? Has anyone been having all the crying jags I'm seeming to go through?-- posted by ncgirl5
» joy2meu - Re: Working on the Grief
In response to message posted by ncgirl5:Congratulations on being able to get to that deep grief! It is frightening - actually the word I came up with to describe it is terrif***ifying. ;-)
Through the release work that you are doing, you are taking power away from those wounds - evidence of that is the results you are seeing. It will gradually get better and better - as in 2 good days and one bad and then better. I actually cried every day for a year - not a whole year of the deep grieving you are talking about, but gradually less intense crying as my process progressed. I had accepted that my process might always be that way - doing some crying every day, but then one day I realized I hadn't cried in over a week. The deep grieving will gradually decrease in intensity and duration - with longer periods of feeling the relief.
By owning your inner children, and starting to build Loving relationships with those parts of you, you do start to be able to respond to situations differently instead of just reacting. The more you can allow yourself to own the feelings of the inner children, the more you - the adult in recovery - can have some Loving control over your inner process - nurturing, validating, and setting boundaries for those inner children. Keep telling that little girl (an assumption made based on your email address ;-) that it wasn't her fault, that she didn't do anything wrong, that the other people in her life were wounded and that is why they treated her like they did - not because anything was wrong with her. Tell her that you are sorry that you have ignored her all these years, and that you are learning how to take care of her now.
By allowing yourself to feel this grief, you have already started gaining more control over your emotions - and can start having more choice about when you will release the feelings (i.e. going home to do it, instead of at work.) I found that I could actually negotiate with my inner children to help me in the process. By that I mean, I would start having some feelings come up at work, and I would go to the rest room and talk to my inner child, saying "I am sorry you are in such pain. I want to own you and your pain - but right now I need to be an adult and get through the next 4 hours (or whatever.) If you will help me get through the rest of work, then when we get home I will do some writing and grieving (or whatever, art work, etc.)" Then, of course it was important to keep those deals.
By owning that grief, you are owning the child who you were, and building trust with the inner child places within you. What is so important, at any phase of the process, is to accept where you are at today - and be Loving and kind to yourself. Tell the critical parent voice to shut up with the fears of how long it is going to take, or messages that you are losing your mind. One day at a time - some days one hour at a time - things gradually change and get different. You can't know where you are going, because you haven't ever been there. You are starting to get a taste of the new relationship with yourself that is evolving - one in which you aren't blindly reacting and repeating the old patterns. Keep telling yourself "this too shall pass" and doing positive affirmations for yourself. As I say about the positive affirmations, we most need to say them when we least believe them.
You have done the hardest part of breaking through to a new way of living already by getting into the deep grief. What you are experiencing now is almost like after shocks - they will gradually subside and your process will get different as you emerge from, what I call in my book, the journey through the black hole within. Here is a quote from my book:
"There were certain books of Truth that I was led to that were especially important in my consciousness raising, in my Recovery process. I am now going to quote a story from one of those books which means a lot to me. It is a story from a book called Medicine Cards by Jamie Sams and David Carson. This book deals with the Medicine Wheel, and the totem animals of the Medicine Wheel Spiritual beliefs of certain Native American tribes.
The subject of this particular story is the Swan totem - Swan power:
As Swan looked high above Sacred Mountain, she saw the biggest swirling black hole she had ever seen. Dragonfly came flying by, and Swan stopped him to ask about the black hole. Dragonfly said, "Swan, that is the doorway to the other planes of imagination. I have been guardian of the illusion for many, many moons. If you want to enter there, you would have to ask permission and earn the right."
Swan was not so sure that she wanted to enter the black hole, She asked Dragonfly what was necessary for her to earn entry. Dragonfly replied, "You must be willing to accept whatever the future holds as it is presented, without trying to change the Great Spirit's plan." Swan looked at her ugly little duckling body and then answered, "I will be happy to abide by Great Spirit's plan. I won't fight the currents of the black hole. I will surrender to the flow of the spiral and trust what I am shown." Dragonfly was very happy with Swan's answer and began to spin the magic to break the pond's illusion. Suddenly, Swan was engulfed by a whirlpool in the center of the pond.
Swan reappeared many days later, but now she was graceful and white and long-necked. Dragonfly was stunned! "Swan what happened to you!" he exclaimed. Swan smiled and said, "Dragonfly, I learned to surrender my body to the power of Great Spirit and was taken to where the future lives. I saw many wonders high on Sacred Mountain and because of my faith and my acceptance I have been changed. I have learned to accept a state of Grace."
A "state of Grace" is the condition of being Loved unconditionally by our Creator without having to earn that Love. We are Loved unconditionally by the Great Spirit. What we need to do is to learn to accept that state of Grace.
The way we do that is to change the attitudes and beliefs within us that tell us that we are not Lovable. And we cannot do that without going through the black hole. The black hole that we need to surrender to traveling through is the black hole of our grief. The journey within - through our feelings - is the journey to knowing that we are Loved, that we are Lovable.
It is through willingness and acceptance, through surrender, trust, and faith, that we can begin to own the state of Grace which is our True condition.
We are all beautiful swans who exist in a state of Grace, in a condition of being unconditionally Loved. The dance of Recovery is a process of learning to accept and integrate the Truth of Grace into our lives.
It is by going through your grief that you will open up to Loving yourself. Owning our grief is a vital part of learning to have compassion for ourselves, to forgive ourselves for being wounded - for being human. You are a Spiritual Being having a human experience. Your Higher Self, your Spirit, has guided you into this grief work - and will continue to guide you through it.
You are on a Path. You are being guided. You are not out of control - although it certainly feels like it sometimes. It is your ego that hates feeling out of control. It is the damaged ego that causes codependence and causes us to feel like ugly ducklings - by going through the black hole of our grief we gain more access to Knowing who we Truly are. Your Spirit is guiding you through a process that is helping you to own what a beautiful Swan you are. We are never given more than we can handle - but again, it sure feels like it sometimes.
There is a strong powerful, Loving adult within you - the part of you that has been observing your process and making your choices to align with the healing work - and you can trust that part of Self. You can trust the process. Congratulations on this huge breakthrough!
Robert
Grateful acknowledgment is made for permission to quote from: Medicine Cards by Jamie Sams and David Carson, copyright 1988, Bear & Co. Reprinted in Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by permission Bear & Co., P.O. Box 2860, Santa Fe, NM 87504.
-- posted by joy2meu
» MitziMalone - Re: Working on the Grief
In response to ncgirl5Hi, I felt the same way that you did when I started. I was a stay at home mom and as soon as the kids left for school I'd get in bed and sob silently and rock back and forth, sometimes most of the day. I often asked my therapist if I were crazy both because of my strange memories and my grief reaction. His answers were, " I don't think you are crazy. I was not there so I don't know if what you are telling me really happened, but I will say I hear the same story over and over again, and when people go through the trauma again and work with their grief, sadness, rage, etc. they get better. You don't argue with success.
Since then I have worked with many adults who have been through hell in their childhoods. Different people take different amounts of time with their grief work. Some stop and take a break long enough to become semi functional again, then do more and stop again. Others plow on till they feel through. But no one, and I mean NO ONE ever says, this is fun I could do it for 5 or 10 years! Everyone feels out of control, crazier than Poltergeist and wishes they had never started. However, as you are finding, things start to get better. Little by little, things start to make sense for a change. The same old things that used to "trigger" you, don't so much any more. You begin to realize that you have a valid reason for feeling the way you do. The dishonesty that children are dealt, to different degrees, is crazy making. Our limited understanding and right-on intuition tells us "something is wrong" with this situation and then we are taught to doubt our reality, and our intuition to cover the lie. And perhaps the worst part is, "it was for our own good".
Hang in there girl, there's good news and bad news. The sort'a bad news is; you're never really finished. As you grow, you see more and more things that you want to understand and change about yourself and your life. THE GOOD NEWS IS: As you learn what works best for you in your journey toward the glorious core self you were born with, it becomes easier, progress is faster, and BEST OF ALL, you learn who you are; your courage, your compassion, your strengths, your weaknesses (and how to protect yourself from them until you can turn them to strengths. ) And you realize, " If I can do this, I can do ANYTHING!" You go girl! life's better on this side of the truth. sayshrefef="/discussion.cfcodependencycy_recovery/61116/509787">Working on the Grief posted by ncgirl5:
-- posted by MitziMalone
» reduex2 - feelings or not?
As a recovering alcoholic and ACOA i have often faced the topic of doing inner child work and grieving. Since entering recovery 20 years ago I have managed a successful-looking life as long as i maintain: " it does not matter what i feel, it matters what i do today." However i know that denial of emotion is doing me more harm than good.Yet trying to get into those feelings ( anger, shame, lonliness, grief) creates almost an almost paralyzing fear responce, or it creates what appears to be dissociation into an alternate personality who has no recollection of the work being done. Yes, i am doing this in the context of therapuetic relationship.
My therapist is perplexed... what is your reaction? Suggestion? Advisement?
-- posted by reduex2
» joy2meu - Re: feelings or not?
In response to feelings or not? posted by reduex2:I suggest you check out the inner child healing section of my web site http://Joy2MeU.com/Innerchildhealing.html I think you will find the approach I share there helpful in developing a detached observer perspective that can help you to take Loving control of your own inner process and get past the denial.
I will no longer be writing for suite 101 after today - October 31st 2005 - and invite anyone who wishes to explore my work to visit my web site http://Joy2MeU.com/ If you have any questions, I can be reached at Joy2MeU@Joy2MeU.com
-- posted by joy2meu
Please follow the guidelines set forth in the Suite101 Posting Etiquette when adding to the discussion.