Inner Child Healing - Part 3 - Emotional Healing

» andreva - Counterdependant and co-dependent at the same time?

Hello Robert and others.
Because of becoming severely depressed after all kind of troubles in a friendship relation with a woman that is most probably suffering from Borderline Personality Syndrome, I frequently read on Suite101 the articles of A.J.Mahari about BPD. I was looking for information about BPD in order to try to understand the illogical behaviour of my friend and also looking for clues regarding my own incompetence to cope with her. When I read about -codependent behaviour- in these BPD-articles, I also started checking the Inner Child/Co-dependence Recovery through the Mental Health page.
I must admit that I recognised and learned a lot about myself in the articles of Robert Burney. Being raised in a very dysfunctional family with very poor emotional safety, I was a typical Adjuster/Lost child. When my elder sister left home, I (then 16 years old) also started to play the roles of Responsible Child and the Mascot so now and then because I felt obliged, when necessary, to protect and take care for my much younger brothers and my mother. Although I sometimes suffered a kind of “inner restlessness”, as an adult I was convinced that I had overcome most of the negative effects of my childhood; I had always managed to escape the feeling of being a victim and I even was sure that my tough childhood had strengthened me and made me more resistant against (emotional) problems in life. Following my own trail in life, I even have been able to make my life quite successful, supported by my partner of course, but merely without the help or influence of other people.
However, to my unpleasant surprise, the experience with my BPD (girl)friend knocked me slowly from my feet and suddenly also nasty, forgotten events and feelings of my own childhood started “popping up” in my memory. So, I was (and still am) forced to reconsider myself.
From the articles of Robert Burney I learned that I am a typical kind of counterdependent personality; whenever things became difficult in life I solved problems always on my own, I rejected the help of other people and didn’t (want to) need them. But in the relation with my BPD friend I started reacting co-dependent instead of counterdependent, a change in emotional attitude that still wonders me.
Since a few months now, I’m trying to analyse my development from childhood till now, in order to find out what I (subconsciously) have been doing wrong. Already as a child, I always managed to keep control by analysing the emotional and mental aspects of impressing events in my life. In this way I could understand what was happening and could accept the consequences or develop a (self) defence strategy. I more or less replaced feelings by understanding.
I think that I has made me acting in life mostly as an observer of both events and people. Because of probably overdoing this, I was often judged as being “emotionally cold” and lacking spontaneity.
I do realise now that I should have tried to put more effort in developing the skill of feeling empathy for people, because that’s a capability that I lack a bit.
I felt very close to my BPD-friend, maybe also because our “wounded inner children” subconsciously recognised each other. The emotional turmoil that made her life a hell so now and then, affected me emotionally; an emotion that I couldn’t get “under control” whatever I tried to “think my way out”.
I think that because of that and not being “trained” and able to regulate and control this feeling of empathy, I could not prevent overdoing; I became sentimental. And that made me start acting quite co-dependent; her pain and agony became also my pain and agony; and at the same time I was depending on her reactions of approval of my efforts “to save her”; something that you never will get from a BPD personality.
That’s how far I’ve got with my self-analysis. And the most difficult in this self-analysis for me is to be really honest with myself. However, since I’m already 51 years old, I think that I won’t be able to change myself anymore. So, I think that I have to work on a kind of awareness of the dynamics of the mental and emotional processes in myself. Maybe this awareness can prevent me from stepping into similar traps as the one I stepped into while being with my BPD girlfriend.
Does some one have any comments or good advice on this issue?

By the way; what wonders me is that there seems to be hardly any relation/co-operation between this site and the BPD-site, although BPD could be seen as a co-dependent behaviour in the extreme. Also because a lot of (ex) partners of BPD-patients (non-BP’s who became emotionally and mentally affected by their BP-partner) in fact seem to be co-dependent personalities.

André

-- posted by andreva

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» lena_s - BPD and codependency

Hi Andre,
Your message was most interesting to me. I was married to a borderline personality with other diagnoses. After 8 years and several inpatient treatments, we separated. He eventually died alone, about 9 years ago. I have been in codependency groups and in psychotherapy for many years...dealing with family of origin issues. (I am the oldest child of immigrants). In retrospect and with some distance, I can begin to see that I was in a 'comfortable/familiar' position in this relationship. Another person who needed to be taken care of. By the time I realized that I was sabotaging my own sanity, it was too late.
Because of other losses in the past several years, I have gone into depression. I have one child and have had 4 pregnancies. 2 relatives & 2 friends have died in the past 2 yrs. I have recently resumed therapy, and have been attending CoDa meetings. Yesterday I resumed medication for anxiety & depression.
I know that we codependents must work on our issues...boundary issues for me are most relevant.
This is a wonderful resource, and I'm glad to have found it. Thanks to you all.
Lena

-- posted by lena_s

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» scrissman - Re: BPD and codependency

In response to message posted by lena_s:

Hi Lena.....
I read your message to Andre and am interested in finding out about what is "Borderline Personality
Disorder"???? I am VERY glad to have found this site as well. It's been very interesting. I am finally on my way to finding peace and alot of answers! Take care!
Sami

-- posted by scrissman

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» SpruceTree - Re: Counterdependant and co-dependent at the same time?

In response to message posted by andreva:

Hi Robert and all,

Thanks for this site. It's helped me understand more about myself. The first two paragraphs of Andreva's message could almost have been written by me. I am friends with a woman who I'm sure has BPD. I can't stand the way she acts, I hate what she's doing to a friend of mine (her romantic interest) and quite frankly I want her out of my life. But I don't know how to get rid of her. I'm not the sort of person who can just tell someone that I don't want to see them anymore. I'm too afraid of the conflict that will ensue. I am trying to figure out if I have a codependency problem, but one huge fact keeps getting in my way. It's this: I'm not afraid of being abandoned. I want out of this friendship. I'm the one doing the abandoning. I don't care about this person anymore, I can't stand her. She drives me crazy. I react and over-react to everything she does. It's damaging my relationship with my girlfriend because I have anger-tantrums regarding this 'friend'. I want out. The problem is I simply cannot dump this friend. I can't even tell her I'm angry. I know that she will go ballistic and it's her anger I'm afraid of. I'm crippled whenever I'm faced with anger, especially from a woman. So I avoid it at all costs. I will do anything to avoid it, including lying, denial, and beating myself up for doing things that I don't want to do in order to appease. Worse, I have led her on. "Sure, we're good friends", "sure you're important to me", "sure I like you". I'm a damned liar! I also can't figure out why a person I really don't like is constantly on my mind. I once actually tried to tell her that it was not acceptable for her to use me as a dump for her anger about the world. She fried me. I can't face a repeat of that.

I had exactly the same problem with my ex-girlfriend who definitely had BPD. After one week of dating I wanted out, yet I was with her for a year. It took me to become suicidal and simply not care anymore before I could dump her. Again, I was afraid of her reaction. I was afraid she would kill herself, and blame me in her suicide note. I was afraid she would send her son to break my windows. Of course, after I dumped her, nothing happened. She just disappeared. I felt reborn, and vowed never again to get involved with such a damaged person. Now, here I am again -- only a friend this time -- but it doesn't make any difference.

The reason I want out is that this friend has recently (and unsuccessfully) used suicide threats to manipulate her love-interest into dating her. This is the final straw for me. I simply cannot handle this kind of behaviour. But I am so stuck that I don't know what to do. Every day she calls me and I've taken to avoiding her calls. I recently smashed my phone in anger when her name appeared on it. But my girlfriend wants a working phone, so I have to have one. I feel like I'm a scared kid. And no matter what I say to this friend, I know she will not understand a word of it, because I will be talking about what I need and she doesn't care about anything except in terms of how it affects her. I'm just so at the end of my rope and it all stems from the fact that I don't want to hurt this friend. I don't want her to die, I just want her to go live in New Zealand or something.

I hope I haven't ranted too much! My final question for anyone who has the same problem: Why is it that although I don't really care about her, don't want this friendship and know I'll be happier without it, I simply cannot bring myself to tell this person that it's over? I could understand it if I actually loved her, but I don't. Quite the opposite.

Thanks for listening. Any feedback would be appreciated.

Spruce

-- posted by SpruceTree

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» SpruceTree - Re: Counterdependant and co-dependent at the same time?

In response to message posted by andreva:

Andreva, I forgot to mention that I'm almost 40 and I believe it's never too late to learn, change and grow. I expect to continue growing and becoming a healthier person until the day I die. Please don't give up!

Spruce

-- posted by SpruceTree

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» jimt08 - Emotional healing

Hi Robert,
I just want to say thanks for the great writing you do. I have been in therapy since 1987 and just recently changed therapist. This new one I have was the one that turned me on to being a good parent to myself which is something the old therapist never even mentioned.
My problem is I don't know what I feel or how to grieve. I have just started on my journey and wondered if you or anyone on this site can give me any in-sight to overcoming this emotional block that I have?
Again, your book
'Dance of the Wounded Souls" and web site has helped me more in the past two weeks than 14 years of therapy.

-- posted by jimt08

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» lonely_fool - Still in the dark after 14 years.....

There are stories of heartbreak, and then there's my monolithic mistake of literally Godly proportions. I was diagnosed BPD and NPD (narcissitic personality disorder) and it destroyed me and the love of a lifetime. After 24 years of loneliness, in 1989 God chose to put the perfect woman in my life. He made it easy for me. She pursued me. She literally threw herself on me, dragged me into her bed, made love to me. Love finally found me. An affectionate, beautiful, tender loving, caring woman. Now, I am not a 'ladies man'. I have always been awkward and terrible with woman and relationships. God knew this and said 'I'll bring her to YOU'. Well, I screwed EVERYTHING up. I was angry all the time, distant, unaffectionate, acted as if I didn't care if she stayed or left, showed her NO emotional support, berated her and generally treated my one and only love like a bag of garbage. Well, needless to say, after 2 years I lost her. I did time in a psyche ward (2 months) for suicidal depression. It took me about 7 years to fully gain my mind back. This relationship ended in the spring of 1991, and it still affects my every thought and depresses and disturbs me very deeply. I was diagnosed borderline personality disorder w/NPD and chronic depression. My childhood was responsible for my actions. I was always 'a loner' who came from a broken, unaffectionate family (divorce) and it's consequences made me into someone with no capacity to love or be loved. My childhood and my background destroyed any chance for happiness with a mate. I have been alone now for 14 years. I am incapable of dating and am terrified now of being alone. (at 40) I would like to know if anyone else has ever made such a tragic mistake. My mind could not comprehend such an emotion, and I was afraid of it, and it ruined me.

-- posted by lonely_fool

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» need2getb8er - Re: Counterdependant and co-dependent at the same time?

In response to Counterdependant and co-dependent at the same time? posted by andreva:

Dear Andre,

I almost feel as if i could relate to a several aspects of your personality and behaviour. I do not appreciate somebody helping me in my bad times and generally want to get out of myself. I have been in depression and anxiety for more than 3 years now and feel that i have lost a sense of purpose in life. I have become an emotionally close person because at times i have been hurt deeply or manipulated when i went close to someone. Also i have this fear of jealousy creeping in when i get too close to somone. Thats the reason i struggle having a healthy relationship with a women. I have never had girlfriend and never feel like having one. But i know i can't satisfy some of her emotional needs as i feel emotional intimacy to be scary and something that bogs me down. I dread about commitment to any women even though some of them have been really nice and caring.

I am sure this has to do with my emotional upbringing as my parents always had conflicts with each other since i was young. I have been brought up in an emotionally insecure environment where you can't be honest to the other person. Even you parents or brother. It's like there are different people staying under the same roof but with almost no feelings for each other. I have tried to win emotional support and warmth from my parents for long but i think they are in severe depression themselves to offer it to someone else. I feel a deep sense of loneliness and insecurity from inside but because of my nature, i keep it all inside and put a brave face to the outside world. At times i look for emotional support from people who are not at all related to me like someone at workplace or a shopkeeper from where i do my shopping. I know i need something vital but can't find it from the people who are supposed to be close to me. So i am continuing my search so that i meet someone who will satisfy my emotional needs and bring me back to life.

-- posted by need2getb8er

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