Narcisstic/Dependant Mothers>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

» joy2meu - Re: How to cope with dependent mother??????????????

In response to How to cope with dependent mother?????????????? posted by rd2005:

You are right in that it is important to work on the issues within yourself. That is what is so important about doing the inner child healing work http://Joy2MeU.com/Innerchildhealing.html - to learn to not let old tapes and old wounds run our life and set us up to be victims - setting up those self fulfilling prophecies you mention. You are not responsible for your mothers feelings - and it is important to stop allowing the needy little girl in you to keep trying to please someone who can't pleased.

I have a chapter in an online book I am writing that talks some about a narcistic parent - you might find it helpful: Codependency Recovery: Wounded Souls Dancing in the Light Book 2: A Dysfunctional Relationship with Life Chapter 8: Codependents as Emotional Vampires http://Joy2MeU.com/codependency_vampires...
Robert

-- posted by joy2meu

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» btboo - Re: How to cope with dependent mother??????????????

I am not sure if you are still reading these posts, but your history is very much like my own. My mother had cancer when I was 6 yrs old and she experienced lots of bad complications with that. She became disabled and shortly there after my dad divorced her. She did a wonderful job of abusing me after each visitation. So much so that by age 13 I decided to complete cut ties with my dad. It was "us against the world--the two little red hens." Like your situation, he found fault with lots of my girlfriends and later in life, my boyfriends.

Her health problems esculated and for the past three years she has been staying with me every 6-8 weeks for tens days in a row so as to attend medical appointments.

Things blew up when I got engaged and moved in with my fiance. We had our issues, but they got worse during her visit.

I ran. I abruptly left the relationship moving out without notice. ....and my mom came for three weeks, I was not even completely settled in my new place.

I think people like you and I have been taught that when it comes to "mommy's needs" we have no boundaries or rights to them. Now in our adult lives we have lots of troubles as a result.

I appreciate Joy2meu's input about healing the inner child, but I think we need help with establishing the boundaries that should have been set years ago.

I would be interested in continuing this chat if you are still reading. I am seeking a therapist's assistance and he has been helpful with empowering me to take control. But I still feel mean about it.

Thank you.

-- posted by btboo

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» btboo - Re: How to cope with dependent mother??????????????

I am not sure if you are still reading these posts, but your history is very much like my own. My mother had cancer when I was 6 yrs old and she experienced lots of bad complications with that. She became disabled and shortly there after my dad divorced her. She did a wonderful job of abusing me after each visitation. So much so that by age 13 I decided to complete cut ties with my dad. It was "us against the world--the two little red hens." Like your situation, he found fault with lots of my girlfriends and later in life, my boyfriends.

Her health problems esculated and for the past three years she has been staying with me every 6-8 weeks for tens days in a row so as to attend medical appointments.

Things blew up when I got engaged and moved in with my fiance. We had our issues, but they got worse during her visit.

I ran. I abruptly left the relationship moving out without notice. ....and my mom came for three weeks, I was not even completely settled in my new place.

I think people like you and I have been taught that when it comes to "mommy's needs" we have no boundaries or rights to them. Now in our adult lives we have lots of troubles as a result.

I appreciate Joy2meu's input about healing the inner child, but I think we need help with establishing the boundaries that should have been set years ago.

I would be interested in continuing this chat if you are still reading. I am seeking a therapist's assistance and he has been helpful with empowering me to take control. But I still feel mean about it.

Thank you.

-- posted by btboo

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» joy2meu - Re: Re: How to cope with dependent mother??????????????

In response to Re: How to cope with dependent mother?????????????? posted by btboo:

btboo,
It is certainly helpful to learn what boundaries are, to learn words and phrases that can be used in setting boundaries, to work on giving self permission to have and set boundaries. I have a page on my site that is about setting boundaries: Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

Ultimately however, trying to learn to set boundaries from the outside in without doing the inner work will not work to make permanent changes in behavior patterns or take power away from the emotional "buttons" that cause emotional reactions. When we try to change our behavior and do things differently from the outside in, rather than inside out, it means that we are focusing on symptoms rather than cause. When we try to change from outside in, we end up trying to do things "right" - and then shaming and judging ourselves for not being able to do it perfect / "right." When trying to change our reactions by reacting to them, we go to extremes. Codependency recovery is about learning to stop reacting to extremes so we can find some balance in the middle ground. Trying to please your mother, trying to be what she wants you to be is one extreme - the other extreme is completely rebelling against that and reacting to the opposite extreme. Either way your mother is the higher power that is dictating how you live your life.

It is vitally important to start focusing on cause - our childhood emotional wounding and programming - so that we can change our behavior patterns and mental process. That is what inner child healing is all about - changing our core relationship with self, life, and other people - by focusing on the cause instead of the symptomatic effects. Doing the inner child healing is the only way to truly start having some freedom from the past.

When someone is working on healing the inner child wounds and consciously changing the subconscious programming, the change starts to come from the inside out. Thus, as a person becomes more conscious about practicing discernment internally and externally, and starts learning to treat themselves in a more Loving manner, the core relationship with self shifts so that the external manifestations of having a more Loving relationship with self - i.e. setting boundaries, speaking our Truth, becoming healthier in our relationships, etc. - become more automatic and intuitive rather than a struggle to do the "right" things. We want to stop reacting to old wounds and old tapes so that we can have the freedom to choose how we want to live rather than react. That is why the inner child healing is so important. Inner Child Healing = a path to freedom, serenity, and empowerment
Robert

-- posted by joy2meu

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» need2getb8er - Re: How to cope with dependent mother??????????????

In response to How to cope with dependent mother?????????????? posted by rd2005:

Dear,

I am on the same boat as you are. Only difference is, i am a guy and have a family who tries to suck away all my emotions. They are so much closely dependent emotionally that they can't even tolerate a family member going away from them and living his /her life in their own way. It makes the person feel guilty if he/she does that.

All my life, i have had this pattern of behaviour that i was able to disseminate. My family was only supportive of me as far as i stayed in their emotional confinement. My mother, even though she has been such a strength to me in my teenage days, has been so much intrusive in my life. She wants to know every bit of what i do in my life. In fact, she can't digest the fact that i have grown up now and need to build my own family and life. She wants to be with me wherever i go. I try to keep in touch with her through telephone once in a while but i have realized that she tries to talk in a normal manner only if i surrender to her emotional confinement and want to act the way she wishes me to. The moment she realizes i am on my own and independent of her, she would change her tone and make me look like a rebellion or a stranger to her. She wouldn't talk in the same caring way as she would otherwise.

At times, she had tried to drain me emotionally by expressing her helplessness over the phone. She has a tough time with my father and i know she needs support. So i try to reassure her that there are people in this world, other than my father, who cares for her. But she takes this as an opportunity and tries to make me feel guilty of not taking her wherever i go. She wants to stay with me and the moment she realizes that i wouldn't want that to happen, she would turn bitter in her tone. She has even made some bad comments like a small child about my sexuality and similar other personal things. Basically, she wants to destroy my self-esteem and suck me emotionally so that i surrender to her dominance and come back to her or take her wherever i go.

It is sad that my family members are not much better. They fail to realize the kind acts of others and keep criticizing people if they are not part of their family thinking or emotional confinement. Because i have met lots of different people and have been close to them, i realize the unhealthy behaviour in my family. So i just want to stay away from them and have my own life in peace. But i constantly feel this guilt trap laid by my family or a pull to suck me emotionally so that i become like them. This is all very hard for me as i feel that i am alone in this world.

-AKA

-- posted by need2getb8er

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» BreakTHESilence - Re: Re: How to cope with dependent mother??????????????

I went through the exact same thing.
I have been observing, looking at the situation and realizing how dangerous this could be for my middlest daughter. My mother for as long as I can remember made me the blame for everything that went wrong in her life. Countless time she would threaten me. If I didnt clean the house, Child's Protective Services would take me away. That she would pack my things so that I would live with my father (who I barely knew). She would tell me that she wished I was dead. She would make me worry about money when I was just a little child. I would babysit when I was 10 to try and save up for a dyer. I had to wear wet jeans to school. She would tell me that I could NEVER EVER make it on my own. That when I got married, she made me promise that she would be able to move in with us. Sleep in a basement if we had one. My hub and I are at odds end. Tonight I went searching online to find some sort of answers...solutions to what we face as a couple, as parents. My mother was molosted as a child for many years. It was my uncle. Her oldest brother. It happened to all of the girls in the family. My oldest aunt, my mom and my youngest aunt. They all dealt with it in various ways. One is a workalcoholic. One puts up with a cheating spouse. And my mom let herself completely go. Became obese. My daughter, she is 5. She is an exact portrait of me. Her hair, her smile. The way she walks. Her personna. The things she loves. She is my mom's favourite. My mom will excuse ANY behaviour that I correct. And when it comes to my boundaries, she takes her on for a whirl wind of "defiance." I am scared of what this could be doing to her emotionally. My mother's behaviour is very Dysfunctional. She is sneaky, she lies, she makes excuses, changes her stories from one to the next. She cant keep a job. She tells me that she would never treat her parents the way I treat her. Meaning, that she would pay their bills if she had to. She does not respect our rules, our house and our ways. My hub and I went to drop off sugar for her. So that she would be able to make playdough on Friday night. We were having our one night a week (together time alone). I couldn't find them in the house, until I reached upstairs. I knocked at the bathroom door. I heard voices. There I opened it and she was in the tub with our 5 year old and 3 year old. She changed her story telling me it was my middlest that helped her little sister undress and then today it was the littlest did it herself and she got undressed so fast. I don't let them come into the tub with me at all. My littlest is just being potty trained. She wants me to face the door. She doesn't like me looking, only when she tells me she has did it she wants me to come and help her. She tells me to get out please, when she is in the bathroom. I respect that. I want her to have a good sense of privacy and boundaries. My middlest, goes with my mom into the stall washrooms at restaurants. At festivals. I have stopped her more than once. I have fought with her more than once. she completely DISREGUARDS my boundaries. My mom says atleast she loves me, and wants to spend time with me. When she lost her job, she wanted to be with her. She says she cheers her up and makes her feel better. There is nothing wrong with that. I feel there is. I want to severe that unhealthy relationship. But how? Her relationship with her Grandmother, I get angry because she is doing what she did to me. Isolating her, malipulating her and allowing her to defy my and her Father's authority over her. What can I do to stop further damage? Between them. I have talked to my mother. I have tried to show her. But she thinks I am just angry with her, and that she says I am sorry I was the worse mother in the whole world. When I didn't say that. I just want her let our daughter be our daughter. Not some dolly that she can play with. Your stories are all very moving and touching. I have felt everything you have gone through. I share your pain. Help me break this cycle before, my daughter starts to experience it. What can I do?

-- posted by BreakTHESilence

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» frustr8ted - Re: Re: Re: How to cope with dependent mother??????????????

Hi. I just found this page and I am afraid I don't have the answers but are in the same boat only it is my mother in-law. She is extremely dependent on my husband, who is now 40, she is 59 for emotional and financial support. We just had to purchase a vehicle for her. She is able to work but doesn't want to. She HAS a very able-bodied husband that is way younger than her but is just lazy. I don't get it. She has emotionally abused him all his life and now she just expects her kids to take care of her. I am afraid my marriage might be in trouble. I just don't know how to explain to him that we need our money for our retirement, not her. We don't have retirement and we are not rich. We both work very hard. I don't want to sound like the bad guy either and don't want to cause a family problem but I feel I need to put my foot down.

I am sorry you all are feeling this with your own mothers and I am sorry if this doesn't apply to this category but I am desparate.

-- posted by frustr8ted

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» dyrene - Re: Re: Re: How to cope with dependent mother??????????????

In response to Re: Re: Re: How to cope with dependent mother?????????????? posted by frustr8ted:

I know exactly the feeling. I was raised to believe that the kind of daughter you are to your parents is how your own children are going to be toward you. So here I am being a slave to my mother's emotional and other needs. Over the years it gets worse. She is so emotionally dependent and never fails to ask me if her decision in a particular incident/scenario is correct or would constantly ask me "What to do, how, when, where and will you do it?" It drains me to a point I was afraid to answer the phone. Sure enough if I managed not to answer the phone for a few days, I get accused of hiding from her, or being mean to her or just getting tired of her. I do a lot of things for her. She doesn't trust herself to make a decision, so someone has to do it for her. It's ruining my life and draining me to a point I get hostile towards my own family and this only occurs right after I hung up the phone from a usual draining conversation with my mother. It's not pleasant to be around her for she whines consistently. My most recent conversation with her was when she asked me to talk to her new husband because she can't tell him her fears and concerns and she worries that it might offend him. I feel like a candle about to run out of wax. Even her own marriage she can't handle and I have to now speak for her and live her marriage life even. She recently build a house pretty close to mine. I mean really really close about 3 houses away. She tried to lure me with the idea that I will have something to inherit so long as I put up with her. I'm the least person she has to lure with in that manner. She knows in her heart that there is not a single greed in my body and could care less of any material things from her because I do well on my own. I help her because I love her but enough is enough. I'm totally drained from her helpless ways. I'm seriously considering selling my home just so I can stay away and have my peace and what's left of my freedom.

-- posted by dyrene

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» silverblonde36 - Re: Re: How to cope with dependent mother??????????????

In response to Re: Re: How to cope with dependent mother?????????????? posted by BreakTHESilence:

Which is more important to you, your mother's approval (or avoidance of her anger) or your daughter's emotional health and safety? Your mother's behavior is emotional abuse and borders on sexual abuse. You need to help your daughter recognize this kind of behavior as unhealthy.

Words can be ignored but action cannot. ACT!! The moment your mother disregards your requests regarding your daughter, remove the daughter from your mother's presence. Do not allow your daughter to be with her grandmother when you are not present. It's that simple. YOU allow her to defy your parental responsibility.

Also ACT regarding your daughter. Your daughter has already learned how to manipulate you and her father by joining her grandmother as they both defy you. When you speak to your daughter, follow up with ACTION. Gently, but firmly, lead her by the hand away from your mother, if she does not respond to your requests. ANYTIME your daughter does not respond to your requests, gently lead her by the hand saying something like: "I'm here to help you learn to be responsible and TO BE SAFE. It looks like you need my help to do as I've asked. Let me know when you think you can do this by yourself."

Please find more information on-line regarding emotional and sexual abuse. Check with your mental health services for references to groups that can give you support in this. Don't wait!! Your daughter's personality is being shaped by this unhealthy situation. Once shaped it is much harder to change.

God bless,
silverblonde36

-- posted by silverblonde36

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» nor66 - Dependent Mothers

Hi everyone,
I know exactly what it is like to have a dependent mother. I am the youngest of 5 and I think we come from a very dysfunctional family. My mum left dad when I was 9,I always thought I was ok about the divorce, but I think I'm learning new things about myself and about being codependent (just like mum) which is telling me somethign new and different.
I live with my mum and I have moved out and now I'm back to save some money...but it's worse than I remember. Because I've taken to discovering my spirituality and learning to understand myself, I don't need the blame any more. My mother blamed all of us for her mistakes all through our childhoods. She's the one that got pregnant at 16...not me. She blames us for not washing up or getting her clothes off the line (when we don't even know she's put any out) or she'll drill you on where you're going, who with, what time, where abouts, what I ate, where I parked, how was the service? Anything or everything you could possibly ask someone in a period of two minutes. I hate it.
I know you can't help anyone that doesn't want to be helped. But how can I get my mum to understand where I'm coming from and that there's more to life than trivial crap. She criticizes everyone, too short, too fat, too bossy even though she is the control freak.
But the control has really started again now I'm moving out again. My sister lives interstate and I've got a job where she lives, earning great money and I'd be living with her. She and I are very excited. But Mum has been trying to think of excuses for me to stay. "You need to get your wisdom teeth out" and "I was going to take you to Melbourne for your birthday" I'm just not interested in spending time with her. I don't want and don't need her controlling me and making my decisions. She is relying on me now though. Because her partner of 10 years does not live with us. (Now you knwo why) She tries to control him too. But once I leave, she will have no excuse to tell herself for him not to live with her...I know that's what she tells herself.
She thinks me seeing a councellor is a waste of time and money...And any new age, uplifting book I read is trying to brainwash me. I'm at the point, where she is strangling all my positiveness and spirit. I've been distancing myself as much as possible. But I can't wait to move away from a dependent mother and take control. The thought of it is so liberating.
To all the people out there with controlling or dependent parents, take a tip from me that someone once told me. They'll always be your parents, you've got to do what you've got to do. If you need to have space, tell them not to come round. If you want her to distance herself from your daughter, explain to her she is invading your parenting experience. She had her chance! She's already a mum, but you've only just started.
I can sympathize with everyone on this message board. Good Luck and I recommend a book to all of you by Melody Beattie "Codependent No More" you'll be surprised how much sense it makes.

Take care

-- posted by nor66

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