I don't know how to heal.......: and maybe I don't want to.......

» LisaDiane - and maybe I don't want to.......

I have just realized that I am seriously codependent and counter dependent. But the worst part about it is that the thought of trying to change that goes against every feeling in my body. Why in the hell would I want to expose everything about myself?? What could I possibly gain out of being open and honest?? Being consumed with fear feels very comfortable to me. Yes, its also painful, but it keeps me on guard for dangerous situations. Isn't that a good thing??
This has all started for me because after a 15 yr marriage to someone COMPLETELY unavailable, in every possible way, I have (accidentally, I'm sure) found a man who is actually very emotionally healthy and available to me. And its freaking me out! We have lived together for 1.5 yrs and I am worse today (with my games and insecurities and lack of trust) than I was when we first got together (and I was terrified then). He has never abandoned me or rejected me emotionally with all the dramas that I have put him through. He stays with me, trying to talk me thru (off the ledge) and comfort me. He offers me unconditional love. He is starting to get sick of all this tho. He doesn't understand what I am so afraid of and why getting what I need and want is so traumatic for me. Our relationship is growing, but I am incapable of growing with it. Why does him wanting to love me and meet my needs make me feel so panicked??? And how do I stop? How does one just let go of the fears that have been protecting one for all of one's life???

-- posted by LisaDiane