Samsara - Daily Irritations

» howieann - How can I help them?

Your intriging article also seems to scream loudly your frustrations in trying to "teach" or "explain" the lovely Buddhist teachings to others. Why does there have to be an ugliness in the world? Without bad, there is no good. We cannot try to remove one without also removing the other. Simply being ourselves and showing a good example to others is, I think,the best we can do. We are all here together. Jack Kornfield, noted Buddhist monk, teacher and psychologist, told me: " See only what you see. Hear only what you hear" . In other words, see and hear as it is, without judgement, without explanations, without feeling the need to change things. Your subject matter is quite interesting and worth further discussion.

-- posted by howieann

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» Marlyn - Venting and Being Buddhist

I think its important to remember that even though we're Buddhists -- with all the expectations of inner serenity and unlimited patience we'd all like to put on ourselves -- we're still human beings working out our Enlightenment while surrounded by and blinded by Samsara. Being a high school counselor of at-risk teens puts a person at one of the most difficult points in Samsara -- where the lack of guidance in early years begins to finally bear bitter fruit. I admire anybody who has both the training and the internal fortitude to attempt such a thing.

But as a parent of teenagers, I think that the best advice I would have to anyone in such a position -- Buddhist or not -- is to pick one's battles. Keeping a kid in school, despite the muttering, is an accomplishment of no small measure. Not turning away in disgust when attitude is tossed in one's face, but rather responding with reason and compassion, makes an impression -- believe me. Being willing to talk about what is important to the teen -- regardless of whether the topic makes ME uncomfortable or not -- opens doorways to understanding; and being able to talk about uncomfortable topics without judgement or bias, speaking only common sense rather than theology or even Dharma, gets those who are unused to the idea to at least listen. And listening holds the key -- both for the adults wanting to help, and the kids who need to find it.

By the time these hardened teens get to this point, they have learned to trust no one -- teachers and counsellors who continually throw disapproval and distrust of their own back only make things worse. Rebellion is their way to break free of the ties to childhood and create the person they will be for the rest of their lives -- and it is this very creative process that most parents attempt to crush through disapproval, rejection and outright abuse; only to pass the torch of creation-crushing to school authorities. As a result, the trust of an at-risk must be earned and earned the hard way -- through seeing that angry, rebellious, distrusting individual as a suffering human being striking out at others because they know of no other way to deal with that suffering they feel. It is difficult, when a person is putting another being through torture (like killing birds or burning anthills) to remember that this person also desires happiness and to be free from suffering. But if we forget, there is no way we will ever have the chance to reach this person -- to show them a better way.

Nine chances out of ten, nobody has ever sat them down and sked them, point blank, to put themselves in the place of the ants which they are setting fire to and visualize what the ants are feeling. Nobody has ever sat them down and asked them where it hurts them, why it hurts, or even validated that the hurt within them exists in the first place. It takes time and a willingness to be open and listen ourselves to do such things -- too many adults would rather just wave wands and make the problems all go away by magic. Adults want to expect high school teens to be little adults -- and the fact is, they aren't. They are humans in transition, in pain, in confusion; and they need understanding and guidance, not disapproval, sermonizing or rejection.

"Pantsing", "Mooning" -- these are symptoms of a deeper malaise. As actions, they are not OK -- but they are not the problem we need to be addressing. "Zero tolerance" philosophies in schools have MADE them the problem -- and thus made the situation worse -- because it is reaction (meaning knee-jerk) not response. "Zero tolerance" allows schools to paint the problem with a broad brush, rather than recognize the individual and the individual instance and respond to IT. Focussing on "pantsing", "mooning", forbidding a kid from wearing a trenchcoat or carrying a nail file -- or even being able to take an aspirin -- on school grounds allows the underlying problem to be ignored while scrambling to keep ahead of all the little symptoms it gives rise to.

Yes, this topic deserves more discussion. This is where the rubber meets the pavement as far as being able to make our practice be something more than just time in front of an altar with incense burning. I'm really rather dismayed that so little has been said. I know I normally lurk -- I'm part of that problem. This time I can't keep my mouth shut. Sorry if I have said too much

Namaste!

Marlyn Bumpus

-- posted by Marlyn

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» kimberlyfuji - trusting and living buddhism

Thank you Brooke and Marlyn. I am a buddhist. I work with teenagers too. It can be difficult because they are trying to know themselves and they seem to need to do that in a contrary manner, by seeing me or other adults as "the other" as examples of what they are not. Then they want to rebel or act out against me.(But that's not really me. It is just their perception of me. It's what they need me to be to find themselves.It's a process.I don't take it personally.) What I need to continually remind myself is this: each person comes to awareness in his or her own time. I trust this. Trusting is difficult but central to Buddhism. It is steeped in humility. If I cannot trust that's my problem. All I have to do is my best to love each person unconditionally and let my behaviour be a model for others. When I screw up I can come back to myself and practice forgiveness.Kim Fujioka

-- posted by kimberlyfuji

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