Can a Non-Borderline help a Borderline?
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- DGODESS
- Jimmy2
- V720
- KayVay
- aggiejeff00
- Love2Learn
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» DGODESS - TOUGH LOVE
MY MOTHER WHO HAS BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH BPD CAME TO MY HOUSE FOR AN EXTENDED VISIT. SHE JUST HAD SURGERY A LITTLE OVER A MONTH AGO AND HAS BEEN DEALING WITH FINANCIAL PROBLEMS. IT WAS AN 18 HOUR TRIP FOR HER TO MY HOUSE TO VISIT ME AND MY 3 YEAR OLD SON. I TRIED REPEATEDLY TO TALK HER OUT OF COMING. I EVEN CALLED HER GENERAL PRACTIONER TO ADVISE HER AGAINST TRAVELING. I DID NOT THINK I COULD DEAL WITH A VISIT, IT HAS BEEN HARD ENOUGH DEALING WITH HER ON THE PHONE LATELY. NEEDLESS TO SAY HER HUSBAND DID SOMETHING TO MAKE HER MAD AND SHE LOST IT. SHE WAS YELLING AND CURSING. I TRULY FEARED FOR MY STEPFATHER, AS SHE HAD BURNED HIM WITH A CIGARETTE ON THE DRIVE UP. I TRIED TO HELP HER CALM DOWN AND SHE TURNED HER ANGER TO ME. I HAD BEEN DISCUSSING WITH MY HUSBAND AND MY SISTER ABOUT CUTTING OFF COMMUNICATION WITH HER FOR THE PAST TWO WEEKS BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN SO HURTFUL AS OF LATE. I ASKED HER TO LEAVE AND NOT TO COME BACK. THIS ARTICLE HAS MADE ME FEEL OK WITH THAT.-- posted by DGODESS
» Jimmy2 - Thanks
A.J Mahari-I just want to say thanks for writing this article. It is reassuring to know that I have been handling my particular situation in the best possible way. Time and distance from the Borderline in my life. She's the mother of my father's son and daughter (my step-mother), and won't let me even see them or call them or have any relationship with them. My own brother and sister! It hurts, but i'm sure "my abandoning her" must really be hurtful to her. She doesn't see the gift i'm trying to give her which is that she needs to realize that she must take personal responsibility for herself.
Thanks again-
and I really appreciate this site
Jimmy
-- posted by Jimmy2
» V720 - I strongly believe my older brother has BPD
I've often wondered why my brother has always acted as if a dark cloud was always following him till I read something on the internet about BPD. Now I understand why he never holds a job, tells me what he thinks I want to hear to shut me up about the bills. And thinks something is wrong with everyone else in the world and he's NORMAL. What I don't know, is what to do about it, he will never admit he needs help of any kind and if he did see a psychiatrist, he'd tell them what's wrong with them. Can anyone possibly shed some insight on what a person can do in a case like this? He honestly believes he's too good to work like the rest of us, he deserves to sit around and lounge all day and just do some small stuff around my house to earn his keep. He did this all his life, it's nothing new. If anyone can tell me anything, I'd really appreciate it. Thankyou, V720-- posted by V720
» KayVay - Re: I strongly believe my older brother has BPD
In response to message posted by V720:This is my first visit here, but I have a fairly good idea what BPD entails. I also think I live with one of these cases.
Problem is, we laymen can "assume" we have a BPD on our hands when that may not be the case. Bad behavior is caused by all kinds of things and can point to all kinds of things--not just this disorder we're talking about.
With your brother, it could be BPD, or it could be depression, or it could be just being spoiled as a child. At this point, the true nature of his problem isn't as important as what you, as his brother, will do about this. If he lives with you, insist on 'house rules'. If he doesn't pay his share of expenses, cut your losses and go find him an efficiency epartment, pay the first month's rent and move all his things into it. Change your locks and kindly give him the keys to his new place. He's on his own from there on.
Like the article said above, it seems that we "nons" can do nothing to convince the BPD that he needs help. We have to set boundaries and take care of ourselves first. They have to figure out they have a problem by facing our "tough love" head on.
I wish you well. Keep us informed.
-- posted by KayVay
» aggiejeff00 - Re: I strongly believe my older brother has BPD
In response to message posted by V720:I felt like you were writing about me for a second. This sounds much like where my life was headed. I felt the same way you describe your brother. My suggestion is confronting your brother with information regarding the disorder and making him read it, don't say he has it, thats for him to realize. I will say that unless he is ready to accept reality and stop believeing he is the biggest victim in the world he will not want to help himself much less receieve it. I have lived with the diagnosis for over 8 months now and I know that I have made alot of progress. What helps me the most is educating myself about the disorder and reading what others with BPD have to say. What made it click for me was reading testimonials from other people that suffer from BPD, it felt like someone finally understood me and I finally made sense to myself as well. To be honest, however i feel like my total recovery is a ways off. Be patient. As far as actively helping your brother, my advice is tough love. The extent of which is up to you, remember keep yourself comfortable. Stop dancing around him, thats what he is manipulating you in to doing.
-- posted by aggiejeff00
» Love2Learn - Hey Everyone
This Borderline Personality Disorder can cause a non Borderline to almost think they are the ones that have a problem.Take it from me and if it weren't for people like you who take the time and offer so much valuable information on the subject I might still believe that I was the one at fault.Anyway for now I spare you the details of my relationship with a borderline only because I have put together a web site that tells the whole story.It should be complete in a day or so then you are all welcome to check it out.So till then keep up the good work!Arthur in So Cal.
-- posted by Love2Learn
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