who comes first?
- rentwist
- Teresa23
- rentwist
- m29732
- jschrock13
- kidleg
- HolleyMom7
- sunnrain
- sunnrain
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» rentwist - stepfather says good of his son before all others in home
My husband and I have been married for one and a half years. We dated extensively before marriage. We have three children between us. My children are aged 6 and 9. His son is 13. All the children live with us full time and have no contact with their absent bio parents. The problem is that my husband always takes the side of his son, who likes to twist things to make himself seem the victim of some injustice. Also, his son (and my husband, at times) has decided he doesn't like having little kids around, and now it seems my children always bother them with their normal, age appropriate behavior. I feel like they have to always be quiet or be doing something out of the way. I spoke to my husband gently, saying that we all live in the same house, and he says true, but his son comes first. I think at some point the good of the family unit should come first. But not only are we "not a family yet", my husband says, he accuses me of being jealous of his son when I ask for time alone with my husband, or when I state that we need to include my children in more activities, not just himself and his son. I understand that they need time together alone, but we need time as a family, as well. He says when my children behave better, we might go out more. he also says he doesn't respect me as a parent because when his son was my kids ages, he behaved so much better, and that I don't know how to raise them. I don't think it is fair that he put the blame for his lack of involvement with my children on me or my parenting (my kids are pretty good and normal kids). I love my children dearly, and they have a right to have a priority in the house also. Not only that, his son comes before our marriage and knows it. I feel his son uses that to his advantage whenever possible. I feel sad, angry, betrayed and hurt that I committed myself to a man who can't give me or my children the committment I gave to him. We can't even go out to dinner alone unless his son approves. And then he makes his dad feel guilty. Lately, my husband says he doesn't know if he wants to stay, because his son isn't happy. I have bent over backwards to be sensitive and have done everything from sporting events to taking the kids out on the weekends, and clothes shopping and all kinds of stuff to help the kids blend. My husband won't go out with all of them because of his discipline issues, etc. I feel trapped, like my relationship depends on the good graces of a teenager. Am I crazy, or a non understanding person? Any advice? I am not a bad person, and I truly feel something is wrong here but don't have the insight I need.Lynn
-- posted by rentwist
» Teresa23 - Re: stepfather says good of his son before all others in home
In response to message posted by rentwist:I need some advice similiar to your life. I am considering marriage. I have 3 girls and he has 1 son. He is only three. But in a couple of years down the road, I can see myself in your position. He already has been put first before my girls. We are having problems with that now. We both want things to work out, but I am not sure how to approach the situation of letting the son take over on all of us including me. It is whatever the son wants. Please help.
-- posted by Teresa23
» rentwist - Re: Re: stepfather says good of his son before all others in hom
In response to message posted by Teresa23:I have been sticking it out with myhusband. Somehow, things are turning around slowly, but it took my husband to make the major move. I decided to try something. I was smiling all the time, and everytime the kids or my husband looked at me, I put on an expression of contentment. I also planned some activities with just the kids and told my husband to take some time to rest after his hard work week. I then ignored everything negative about my stepson, and asked him all about his life, friends, and recent news topics. If he had a sour demeanor, I pretended I couldn't see it. When he had some injustice, I ignored it and when he saw he couldn't get me to argue with his dad (thus making me the bad guy), he backed off a little. I realized he does this the most when he feels the most threatened by me. I began pushing for the two of them to do father/son things, like the movies, etc, and didn't get all jammed up because I couldn't go. When i stopped reacting to that and let my husband spend time doing special things with his son, (and I hate to admit that I was), his father felt less guilty for spending time with me and my kids. I found I need to be the instigator in this family. Then it got really bad. At that point my husband (who had witnessed my activities with the kids, and knew I was trying to help his son feel less threatened) stepped in and told him I am the woman he wants in their life, that I am a good woman, good to both of them, and his son will adjust, but he may not be disrespectful to our family. I was like "wow". I continued my positive attitude, and am still. It is working out great. I handled the issue of my children by telling my husband he can kiss rocks if he thinks I am not a good parent, but that I love my kids and am doing just fine. Unless he has something good to say, he can save it for another time. I told him I would not interefere with his son's discipline, nor would he want me to. He agreed. I told him when he can handle my parenting better, then he can participate, but that they come first in my life, just as his son comes first for him. I did this lovingly, and told him I will ask if I need help. For now it is working and he has backed off. My advice is to realize you will never be like a normal family if you marry. Do not get married unless you know that you can handle that, and know he can never love your kids the way he loves his son, he can come close to that, but it is different. Maybe some counseling would help. I ended up in therapy by myself twice a week to bounce ideas and see how I was being detrimental to the relationship. I was amazed at how unrelealistic my expectations were, and at how much my facial expressions and attitudes contributed to the problems we were having. I comppliment a lot more, smile more, and try to not let the kids know when I am angry. A good rule for me, I have found, is to take a few minutes or even an hour, to cool off before I argue. I am still working on it. I love him and my stepson more every day, and I hope we continue to grow.
Lynn
-- posted by rentwist
» m29732 - Re: stepfather says good of his son before all others in home
In response to message posted by rentwist:I too am in a blended family relationship. We are still only talking about marrying,but I have serious concerns about the roles that both of us have allowed our children to assume within each of our separate homes.My fiance has two teenage daughters, ages 16, and 14. I have one 9 year old daughter.We have been a couple for going on nine months now and without fail, every date we have had has revolved around the wishes and plans of his 14 year old whom he dotes on. For some reason he is very critical of his 16 year old. My daughter used to worry about being edged out by his presence in our life, but she is now fairly comfortable with his being a part of our lives. I often feel the same way that you descibe, as if my relationship with this man depends on the wishes and feelings of his daughter. I am certain that you are not a bad person, Lynn. If anything, you sound like a very caring and sensitive parent to all of the children involved in your family. Is counseling an option? It is what I plan to try. I would bet that it would be very helpful to everyone involved. Good luck. (Wish me luck too
)--Heather
-- posted by m29732
» jschrock13 - Re: stepfather says good of his son before all others in home
In response to message posted by rentwist:Lynn- When I read your article I felt like I was reading about my own life situation. I am at the verge of divorce from my husband of only 6 1/2 months! My husband has a daughter that does absolutely NO wrong and my 2 kids are children from hell whom will never behave. His daughter is 14 and my daughter is 13 and son is 9. To make it even more interesting, we're expecting a baby of our own in March '03. My husband and I have a wonderful relationship, however, not when my kids are around. We are on opposite weekends with our ex's for visitiation because that's the way his daughter wanted it after we agreed to have it switched before we got married. His daughter refuses to have anything to do with my kids as so does he. The ONLY interaction he has with them is when he's correcting them which is constantly. I refuse to leave my kids alone with him for the fear of him being mean to them. He has repeatedly told my kids that they are worthless and will amount to nothing in life, whereas, I treat his daughter like one of my own. Our kitchen table at dinner is totally silent when my kids are present. They are not allowed to speak loudly or goof off as kids will do. His daughter, on the other hand, can curse like a sailor, have tantrums, and slam doors without him saying a word to her. Trying to become a "family" has been the hardest thing that I've ever tried to do and I'm at the point of giving up; baby or not. We've even sought the help of our pastor at church with no success. My husband refuses to accept my children and will admit it. I would love to give you advise, however, I'm in the same boat as you. He told me and the kids to pack our stuff and move out as of last night. He and my daughter had a confrontation because she was playing music downstairs while his daughter was in her room. God forbid!! It was never a problem (her being downstairs playing her music) until his daughter threw an absolute fit about her being downstairs. She has her own room with a door and the rest of the basement is free reign to anyone. (or so we all thought) So needless to say, I have some decisions to make; very difficult ones. Best of luck to you. Just remember, the well-being of your children and their feeling loved and accepted is your first and foremost priority.
-- posted by jschrock13
» kidleg - Re: Re: stepfather says good of his son before all others in hom
In response to message posted by jschrock13:Hi All!
I am new to this page. I too, am considering marriage. I have a 2 1/2 yr old boy and a 5 yr old boy. My fiancees has a 9 yr old daughter.
I also feel some of the same stuff as everyone else does in here. He always sticks up for his daughter who bye the way is a spoiled brat. Of corse my boys are too hyper and are not disciplined enough. I also have feelings of jealousy over him and her. I want to be number 1 in his eyes but, we all know that will never happen. Does anyone have any ideas on how i could deal with these feelings?
please help me before I walk down the isle with this wonderful guy.
-- posted by kidleg
» HolleyMom7 - Re: Re: Re: stepfather says good of his son before all others in
In response to message posted by kidleg: My husband and I just married in November 2002. We had dated a little over two years. I have 3 sons from a previous mariage ages 10, 9,& 7. He also has 3 sons from a previous marriage ages 11, and twin 8 year olds. Last february we had a son together (now 10 months) They all live with us...with a grand total of 7 sons. At the beginning of our relationship My husband Terry and I made it clear that it was vital that we put our children first.Both of us very dedicated parents, this seemed to be the answer. I had never been in a blended family situation so I did not realize what kind of harm we were actually doing to our relationship and family-to-be. It actually got so bad at one point that we broke up.
Terry did not really date anyone for about 6 years. His boys were all he focused on. His life revolved around them, which was actually the quality that most attracted me to him. Once I had fallen in love with him though, I realized that I loved someone tht could only give me a small part of himself. We had the added issue of his x-wife that deceides from time to time that she wants to be a mom, then doesnt want to be a mom. So that put me in a position to stand up to the plate, then back down, over and over again. Then with us putting our relationship last...The kids saw this inconsistencey in our relationship and used it to manipulate us against each other, maybe not purposefully, but to get what they wanted (their parents 101% attention). After I had all I could stand, I left.After a little time apart (about a month) It hit me..I loved this man more than words could say, and I believed he felt the same way. How could any relationship last when you set up such low expectations from the start and put it second. We got back together to give it a last ditch effort. At the risk of sounding like a bad Lifetime movie...we put our relationship first. Not saying that my kids werent the apple of my eye, likewise with his boys. But we went and spent quality time together, made decisions together, and didnt feel guilty about it. I mean, if a man and woman are married and have a child, is it right to say that they should put their child above the marriage, no. Obviously, in a situation of abuse or mistreatment, it is your duty as a parent to protect your child and in that case yes, your childs safety should come first. Not to get all religious on you, but it does say in the bible that the husband and the wife relationship comes before the child. I can tell you that since we started running our family this way, it has solved so many problems and improved our relationship about a thousand times over. I know how important Terry's kids are to him, and he knows how important my kids are to me, by putting eachother first we both realise the importance of letting eachother be alone and spend time with our kids. Each of our children get quality time alone with their parent, we spend time as a family and best of all we now spend time together as a couple. The kids have a strong family foundation, I do not feel resentful of his kids, he does not towards mine, the kids have adapted to our family well knowing that we do things as a family now. Dont get me wrong it took a little bit. We still have our little step-family squabbles, and in our hearts we all believe our own children can do no wrong, so I try to be objective on both parts (when he sticks up for his kids, or when I feel like mine are totally blameless)I believe it runs on the same concept that kids'like' boundaries. Kids feel comfort in the fact tht their parents have it together. No child should have the control or ability to break up a marriage. It is unfair to a child to give them that kind of power. Our lives for the most part are spent running from one ball practice to the next,going to school functions, and church, so our family to us is top priority and consumes most of our time. Our children know they are ONE of the most important things in the world to us.The other is our spouse.One day down the road when our children grow up and move away, I know that we will have set a good example for them. They will understand what a loving marriage is about (despite the fact that their own parents divorced)Maybe that will improve the success of their own marriages. I can rest assured that our new baby will grow up knowing that his mommy and daddy were able to make it a go.
-- posted by HolleyMom7
» sunnrain - Re: Re: Re: stepfather says good of his son before all others in
Hi, i am brand new here!!! Rentwist, thank you so much for telling your story..They say that it always begins with me...and what a relief. I spent so much of my life trying to fix, control and blame everyone else for my unhappiness, and when they wouldn't change so that I could feel comfortable, I tryed that much harder..I now realize that if I can work on me, that those around me might change through osmosis, because I am not reacting to them the same way...I have a 14 yr. old son, and I was a single mom for 11 of those years. He is sensitive, but all boy. My fiance has never had kids. His relationship with his mother was good, but his relationship with his father was horrible..His father was critical and abusive. I find that he is very critical with my son...always getting on him about something, anything...nothing is ever good enough and he fails to praise him for the good things that he does..We have talked about this, we have gone to counseling and it will change for awhile, but the old behavior returns..my son is starting to get pissed and he doesn't want to be bothered. I encourage communication between them both but nobody wants to talk...I want to have the tools to say very simply and firmly what I will accept and what i will not...i know it takes practice. I can handle myself, but when it comes to my son,,,I get enraged.. I want to give my son the tools that he needs , not just to deal with this situation, but life in general..help me please..thank you all, sunnrain
-- posted by sunnrain
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