Indian Humor

Top 2. Mar 5, 2000 5:50 PM

» jerrib - I've got native american blood in me

and I appreciate your article! The links are great! LOL

-- posted by jerrib

Top 3. Mar 29, 2000 11:43 AM

» LBHawkeye - The top ten reasons why Indians aren't concerned about Y2K

From: kenny_lives_76@yahoo.com (Jason Spaulding)

The top ten reasons why Indians aren't concerned about Y2K

10. Except for everybody's favorite cheese, we are well
stocked up on commods
9. For most of us, our last snag broke the computer
before they split anyway
8. If we time warp back to 1900 ... Yay! No Tribal
government yet
7. Electrical blackouts provide the perfect opportunity
for a hostile
takeover of the governor's mansion
6. We don't have bank accounts much less money in bank
accounts to worry
about
5. Our electricity gets shut off a couple of times a year
anyway
4. Ditto for the phone and the cable TV
3. Our Sunka security systems are very low-tech
2. Our Indin cars are too old to have computer chips

And the number one reason why Indians aren't concerned about
Y2K...

1. If the government computers go haywire, they might
actually find some
of our missing Indian Trust Monies!

[from Alan Mandel, network admin for NIEC]

-- posted by LBHawkeye

Top 4. Apr 3, 2000 4:10 PM

» LBHawkeye - Fill out the census and win your own bureaucracy By DAVE BARRY

Answers to census questions can be found at:
http://www.ncidc.org/census/census.html

Fill out the census and win your own bureaucracy

By DAVE BARRY

Unless you are hiding in a drain pipe, by now you should have received your
census questionnaire from the federal government.

The census is a federal tradition dating back to 1790, when President
Washington ordered all citizens to form a line and count off by ones, thus
establishing that the U.S. population at that time was ``eleventeen.'' In
modern times, the census is taken by the Census Bureau every 10 years, as
required by the Constitution. (For the other nine years, Census Bureau
employees play pinochle while remaining on Red Alert, in case the
Constitution suddenly changes.)

How important is the census to us today? Here's a quote from a letter my
household received from Kenneth Prewitt, director of the Census Bureau:

``Huwag ninyong sasagutin ang Inggles na form na inyong tatanggapin sa
koreo.''

I did not make this quote up. More than half of Mr. Prewitt's letter to my
household is written in various foreign languages. As far as I can tell, in
this particular quote Mr. Prewitt is saying: ``Anybody who gets sausage and
eggs on the census form will end up (something bad) in South Korea.'' This
is not a threat that the federal government makes lightly.

Why is the census so important? For one thing, it enables the government
to locate its citizens so it can administer programs to them. The census
also determines our congressional representation, which is very important.
For example, in the 1990 census, a homeowner named Ward A. Frondflinger Jr.
of Lawrence, Kan., left his census form out on the dining-room table, and
unbeknownst to him, his children filled it out and mailed it in, with the
information that his household had 984 million members. Today, the
Frondflingers are personally represented by 12 congresspersons and five
U.S. senators, and they have their own naval base.

Contrast their situation with that of North Dakota, which, because of poor
participation with the 1990 census, wound up reporting that it had a total
of only seven residents (the actual number is believed to be much closer to
nine). As a result, today North Dakota has zero representatives in Congress
and may no longer even be part of the United States. (Somebody should go up
there and check.)

So the ``bottom line'' is that it is in your best interest, as a citizen,
to fill out your census form. Here's some information to help you:

Q. What kinds of questions does the census form ask?

A. Most citizens will receive the short form, which asks you only for
basic information that the government needs to administer programs to you,
such as your name, age, sex, race, weight and whether or not you wear thong
underwear.

Q. What if I get the long form?

A. You had better know something about calculus.

Q. Is my census information confidential?

A. Absolutely. Nobody is allowed to see your personal census information
except federal employees and their friends.

Q. What are my choices regarding my race?

A. You may choose from any of the following federally approved races:
Black, White, Beige, Blush, Bisque, Asian, Latino, Caucasian, Person of
Color, African-American, Native American Indian, Spaniard, Original
Hawaiian, Asian Minor, Native Alaskan, Person of Density, Indian Indian
from India, Caucasian-Asian Hawaiian, Hispano-African-Alaskan Native
Indian, Ohioan, Native Hawaiian Tourist, Munchkin, Italian Samoan,
Wisenheimer and Presbyterian. Or, if you prefer, you may invent your own
race, and the government will create a large bureaucracy to keep track of
you.

Q. Why does the government need this information?

A. That is none of your business.

Q. I have an imaginary friend named Mr. Wookins. Should I include him on
my census form?

A. Of course. The federal government spends billions of dollars on
imaginary programs; these must be targeted to reach the people who really
need them.

Q. Is there a place on the census form where I can tell the government how
much I hate these stupid low-flow toilets?

A. The government has provided margins for this express purpose.

Q. What will happen to me if I fail to complete the census form?

A. In the words of Census Director Prewitt, ``Matatanggap ninyo ang
Tagalog na census form sa loob ng dalawang linggo.''

Q. Can he DO that?

A. Do not tempt him.

-- posted by LBHawkeye

Top 5. Apr 9, 2000 7:18 AM

» LBHawkeye - NDN COMIC BOOKS

Didn't know where els to put this....Jason sent it in....NDN COMIC BOOKS....LBH
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From: kenny_lives_76@yahoo.com (Jason Spaulding)

Bill, remember our skepticism about the anthro's idea of
presenting Hopi in comic book form for grade school Anglos?
I mentioned at that time that there was some positive
creative energy in NDN comics. I just revisited the site,
thanks to a new post on alt.native. There are some good
opinions on the SDN and on the Hopi eagle ceremony. Acee
Agoyo is on their board of advisors.

When you have some spare time , click on:
http://members.xoom.com/peaceparty/
http://members.xoom.com/peaceparty/bigmt...
http://members.xoom.com/peaceparty/eagle...

-- posted by LBHawkeye

Top 6. Apr 12, 2000 8:28 AM

» LBHawkeye - From:

From:RGehrman...(Thanks Ron....to funny...ROFLMAO)

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of
Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was
uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop
so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,
yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station
attendant.

"Nothing," shrugged the woman, "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put
my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall
off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback..."

-- posted by LBHawkeye

Top 7. Apr 17, 2000 7:24 AM

» LBHawkeye - [NativeNews] Blue Corn Comics

Subj: [NativeNews] Blue Corn Comics : From Tonto to Turok: Not Far
Date: 4/17/2000 6:28:59 AM Pacific Daylight Time
From: ishgooda@voyager.net
Reply-to: NatNews-owner@egroups.com
To: NatNews@onelist.com

Date: Sat, 15 Apr 2000 11:05:57 -0400
From: "Robert V. Schmidt" <73472.324@compuserve.com>
Subject: From Tonto to Turok: Not Far

Indian Comics Irregular #27

After Tonto, Turok is probably the most famous Native character in
comics. He's been doing his dinosaur-hunting schtick since the
1950s. Turok is the prototypical Indian "brave" and a model for such
later barbarians as Conan.

In 1993 Valiant Comics revived the TUROK comic. Though this is old
news, it isn't ancient news. Let's see what TUROK reveals about the
state of minorities in late 20th-century comics.

The good: Turok talks and thinks in proper English, not
Tonto-style. His skin is more brown than red. He invokes the Great
Spirit often. He feels remorse and prays when his arrows hit a tree
or a jungle cat.

The bad: Turok is a standard-issue, stereotypical warrior. While
fighting futuristic enemies, Turok thinks, "...their weapons, greater
than any shaman's magic." Indian tribes generally didn't have
shamans. Thinking he's about to die, Turok intones, "Great Spirit,
take me into your lodge!" The Indians in Turok's homeland, the
desert north of the Rio Grande, didn't live in lodges.

The ugly: While tracking dinosaurs, Turok thinks, "The way is too
clear. A squaw could follow it." Many Indians consider "squaw" a
vulgarism.

Expecting huge sales, Valiant printed a million copies of TUROK.
750,000 of them were returned. Coincidence? Or is making characters
real more important than comics creators realize?

ZORRO Takes on Indians

A recent storyline in Don McGregor's Zorro comic strip, "Dead Body
Rising," centered on the Spaniards' contact with California's Native
people. The story involved a murdered Indian woman's body found in
the La Brea Tar Pits and featured the first black character in the
Zorro mythos.

This follows the first appearance of Native characters in the ZORRO
comic book McGregor did for Topps in 1993. ZORRO #4, titled "The Man
Who Wasn't Felix Quintero," was about an Indian named by the mission
padre who becomes Moonstalker. McGregor says he wanted to create a
"young, virile, unsafe character, motivated by what has happened to
him and his people."

To see some of the Zorro strips, visit
http://members.xoom.com/peaceparty/galle... For more on
McGregor's multiracial storytelling, head to
http://www.donmcgregor.com.

More Developments at Blue Corn

Say hello to John Wedmark, a Metis from Vancouver, British Columbia,
who has joined our Board of Advisors. Read about him and the other
advisors at http://members.xoom.com/peaceparty/advis...

PEACE PARTY is now available at http://www.fun-e-books.com, a new
site that "scours the earth for the coolest stuff around." And
thanks to Karen Strom for listing PEACE PARTY (under Media) at
http://www.hanksville.org/NAresources, arguably the best site for
Native information on the Web.

Perhaps appropriately, on April 1st I announced the winner of our
first Stereotype of the Month winner: Doug Hardwick, for his
citation of the Wal-Mart subsidiary's "Indian" training program. See
the latest entries, or submit a stereotype of your own, at
http://members.xoom.com/peaceparty/stert...

Rob Schmidt
Blue Corn Comics

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Get paid for the stuff you know!
Get answers for the stuff you don’t. And get $10 to spend on the site!
http://click.egroups.com/1/2200/6/_/6692...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

-- posted by LBHawkeye

Top 8. Aug 29, 2000 6:23 PM

» LBHawkeye - Joke

I thought this was very funny and had to share it with ya'll. LOL...enjoy and Thanks Curt.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
LuCurt2: A politician was on the res, talkin to the local indigenous folks...He says "And I am gonna put a new car in front of everyone's hogan! alll the folkls go OOMPAH OOMPAH!!!!!
Urban Indian: okay
Urban Indian: ya?
LuCurt2: and then he says "And i will make sure that all kids get computers for free!" and the folks go OOMPAH OOMPAH!!!!!
Urban Indian: k
LuCurt2: and then he says "And I will lower taxes for everyone and make sure that the casinos pay less taxes too."
Urban Indian: ya right...k
LuCurt2: Then he gets down off his horse and the folks tell him: Be careful don't step in the OOMPAH OOMPAH
Urban Indian: LOL
Urban Indian: to funny
Urban Indian: I love it
LuCurt2: aint it though
Urban Indian: that is a good one
LuCurt2: put it on your site
Urban Indian: I should
Urban Indian: I will
Urban Indian: hang on alet me save it
LuCurt2: tell everyone ya heard it from a white guy though LOL

-- posted by LBHawkeye

Top 9. May 3, 2001 9:46 PM

» skanon - Re: New Indian Humor Jokes and Discussion

In a take off on Jeff Foxworthy...
You might be a redskin if you serve spam as an entre.
You might be an uppity redskin if you serve spam as an hors d-ouvre.
You might be a redskin if you use sheets as curtains and quilts as drapes.
You might be well related redskin if your last name is X.

-- posted by skanon