What is it that mom has?

Top 3. Jul 30, 2002 6:21 AM

» lostlives - Re: Re: Dealing with unknown mental problems

In response to message posted by bpsibley:

Thanks for your thoughts and I will go to your site. Today is another day and I am trying to be kind to myself and forgive my mother. Unfortunately, I just plain feel drained and looking at all her stuff, now in my house, when she is "alive yet dead" does nothing to make me feel anything but VERY sad!!! I need to find some positive outlets for myself--overeating and drinking have been my "friends" for the past few years and now must take action to accept what is and move on. Any ideas about positive avenues to pursue while going thru this "hell"?!? Thanks

-- posted by lostlives

Top 4. Jul 30, 2002 7:38 PM

» bpsibley - Re: Re: Re: Dealing with unknown mental problems

I will tell you what my Alzheimer's support group leader told me-- write about it-- keep a journal of your feelings, or if you write poems, do that too. I kept my journal and wrote my poems, and it helped. Then when my mother died and I was so filled with guilt and grief, my fiance suggested I get it all out by going through it again, whether published or not, to share it somehow and to let the emotions out. So I went through everything I'd written as I put it on my Web site, back in 1996 just after her death.

I know about the over-eating and drinking too. Alcohol is a depressant, so it's not really going to help you feel better, only sink into depression if you overdo it. Besides writing, an Alzheimer's support group can be a tremendous help (I couldn't have made it without mine). Meeting people with similar problems online, posting as you have here, getting on mailing lists, discussion groups, in chats, and talking it all out will help. Also getting involved in something-- a class, church, going out with friends, gardening-- whatever you like to do, do it to get your mind off the situation for a while. I know that is easier said than done when you are in the midst of it.

I've felt what you feel, been where you are, and I can tell you there is life beyond it all and things will be better. You are taking the right step by posting here, and I encourage you to keep at it, here and elsewhere on the Internet. Another great place is the Alzheimer List (Washington Univ. at St. Louis) - http://www.adrc.wustl.edu/alzheimer
and you can subscribe here:http://www.adrc.wustl.edu/alzheimer/faq/...
This list, too, was a great help to me in the middle of my grief and feelings of guilt.

I hope my site helps. When I started it back in 1996, there were few like it, but there are many now, and you can find many other linked there.

Keep on posting and sharing your feelings, and let me know if there's anything I can do to help.

Brenda

In response to message posted by lostlives:

-- posted by bpsibley

Top 5. Jul 31, 2002 9:55 AM

» womack47 - Dealing with unknown Mental Problems

Hi - I am Dorothy Womack - Brenda Sibley is one of my longest and dearest friends here on the Internet. I too have a Web site developed as a result of caregiving 24/7 for my own mother with Alzheimers. It is located at http://www.geocities.com/womack47/passag... -

It is VERY common for the parent to single out ONE particular person to accuse and see as the 'enemy' rather than the disease itself. Your family probably does not realize that this is a 'hallmark' sign of Alzheimers. For some reason, usually the one whom they are closest to or most dependent upon, is the one whom they lash out at and villify. It takes a very long time to get over all the harsh words said to you THROUGH her LIPS, not FROM her HEART!!! I know from experience with many others that this is truly the case - Their parent DOES love them, but their mind is scrambled and they blurt out whatever they 'hear' in their heads. It is kinda like if you are having a bad day, or are insecure? All sorts of negative thoughts intrude, but you have the ability to LOGICALLY ANALYZE them and sort truth from lies. This ability is totally lost to the Alzheimer victim. So, if you remember only one thing, remember this - What she says THROUGH her LIPS is truly NOT what she FEELS in her HEART!!! I hope I have helped you some way.....

-- posted by womack47

Top 6. Jul 31, 2002 7:35 PM

» bpsibley - RE: Dealing with unknown mental problems (posted for Brenda Race

Hi My name is Brenda Race and I have known Brenda Sibley for what seems forever! I can relate totally to what you are going through. I cared for my mom and she went through periods of great paranoia blaming everyone in the house for things she had misplaced! What Dorothy said is also very true. They seem to pick one person, usually the one they loved most, to blame for everything! They are no longer rational and are losing the ability to think or process information...random words come out of the mouth when they really want to express something else! We have to consider what they say as being an irrational act of frustration! Brenda Sibley has given you many good ideas to vent your own frustrations! Find a good friend, a support group or write, write, write! There is a light at the end of the tunnel! If you believe in God then pray and place your hand in his! Remember this.... if he has brought you to it, he will bring you THROUGH it! Your mom would not act this way if she was capable of logical thinking! Look to her heart and what she has always said when she was rational and remember those things!

-- posted by bpsibley

Top 7. Aug 1, 2002 5:53 AM

» lostlives - Re: RE: Dealing with unknown mental problems (posted for Brenda

In response to message posted by bpsibley:

I want to thank you all for taking the time to support me. This is indeed the most difficult time in my life and as I was saying to my therapist last nite, the worst seems that all the info I pick up is about caregiving and caring for those with this horrible disease. I never had that chance--my Dad was hiding her illness, I guess, and for several years they were a twosome and let us in only infrequently. It's funny how you can look back and start to fill in the pieces. I especially take comfort about my Mom's words. They are painful, I have seen them in writing all over her apartment and for several years she has "lashed" out at me in anger. My Dad was an angry person as well, so I just got used to thinking of the two of them as just angry at "whatever" and tried to be "good". How very ironic that I became estranged from Mom last August to try to get her to stop saying these hateful things about me only to now feel such extreme pain myself. Yes, Mom didn't mean it, it is "just the illness". And I do pray that with time I can move on from this. I have always been active in writing for myself and shall definitely journal my feelings on this. As Brenda said, writing and rereading later can help to keep your pain in line. Unfortunately right now, I have reread some of my earlier journals and only negative acts of Mom or Dad are popping up and it makes it even harder. Today I am going to look into some alcohol recovery programs so I don't go over the edge about this. Again, I thank you all for taking the time. I hope, with time, to be able to give back to others as they are giving to me today.Thankyouou everyone!!!

-- posted by lostlives

Top 8. Sep 27, 2002 7:12 PM

» bpsibley - Re: Re: RE: Dealing with unknown mental problems (posted for Bre

I'm so glad you've made the decision to look into som alcohol recovery programs. AA and similar programs, like CODA (Codependents Anonymous) are wonderful for helping get our lives back on track. I know personally-- been there, done that. Take care of yourself, and please don't hesitate to post here and let us know if there's anything else we can do to help.

In response to message posted by lostlives:

-- posted by bpsibley

Top 9. Feb 12, 2003 8:25 PM

» coukoulis - Re: Dealing with unknown mental problems

Brenda,
My mother has the beginning stages of Alzheimers, though she has not been diagnosed as of yet. At least not that I know of. She has disliked me since I was about 9. For years I tried to figure out what I needed to do to make her happy, gain acceptance, and make her love me. I am now 41. Over the last four years I have come to realize that the mother i have tried to love was never who my mom was in reality. I did alot of crying, tried counseling, and finally resolved to just accept that I was an orphan and move on. The pain was unbearable at first, but no more so than the constant feeling of failing to measure up in her eyes. Without going into the whole sordid history, suffice it to serve with a few examples: My nephew (her grandon) turned 7 this Jan. When she heard i was already at the party, she declined to come. Had she known my brother had invited me, she would have made other plans. I am the only sibling (out of six total) who does not celebrate birthdays or Christmas with my original family. These holidays are generally celebrated at my moom's house and she does not wish to invite me. I have never done anything that I am aware of to warrent such treatment. In the last two years, mom has been sick. Because it causes her such stress to see or hear from me, my younger sister has been "protecting her" from me. So, in short, I have lost my mom, my father died when I was 17, the children who are in state and in mom's good graces, ignore my existance so as not to rile mom. Of the five siblings I started with, I am in regular contact with only two. Sometimes, parents just don't act like parents...and it has nothing to do with the child.
I am sorry for your pain and I wish you all my best.

-- posted by coukoulis

Top 10. Jun 18, 2003 7:09 PM

» bpsibley - Re: Re: Dealing with unknown mental problems

In response to message posted by coukoulis:

Perhaps your mother is at a more advanced stage of Alzheimer's than you realize. Perhaps she was in the earliest stages when you were about nine. Whether from Alzheimer's or some other mental problem, your mother has been sick for a long time. Realize it isn't your mother but it is her condition instead.

-- posted by bpsibley

Top 11. Jun 12, 2004 8:51 AM

» grievingdaughter - Re: Dealing with unknown mental problems

In response to message posted by lostlives:

I have a similar story to yours. My father passed away recently too. My mother has dementia/alzheimer's and insisted on living in her home alone but the truth was that my father had been her caregiver and covering for many of the things that we suspected she couldn't do. During my father's illness my mother was with one of her children all the time. She could not be left alone. My sister and I tried to get her into assisted living and she got mad at us and especially me. She was verbally abusive to me in my home and insisted I take her back to her home. Well, to make a long story short, we arranged for in-home care, but that only lasted 2 weeks because we have a mentally ill brother who took advantage of my mother's dementia and that fact that she was mad at me and took her to a lawyer and had her POA and Health Care Proxy changed to him instead of me. Also stated that I verbally abused my mother. So now he is in control and the day after he does this he takes her out of state to his home and she falls and breaks her hip the next day and is now in a rehab center. He has poisned my mother against me and is trying to keep me from seeing or talking to my mother. He also enlisted other family members against me. Now my reputation is at stake and my own mother is being manipulated and she doesn't even know it. I really need help. Haven't even been able to grieve for my father. Anyone out there with any suggestions????

-- posted by grievingdaughter