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The Challenge of Relationships In Adulthood and Asperger’s Syndr
This archived discussion is "read only". « Previous 1 2 3 Next » » aspiewife - Aspie lonliness I just read the message from alone1622. I feel the same way a lot of times. My hubby is often angry & loses control. Simple things he takes the wrong way & sometimes gets meanings out of things that I don't know where it came from. He breaks things often & yells a lot. Our son has AS and it's very hard trying to explain his dad's actions. I'm at my wits end.-- posted by aspiewife » Rachel43 - Re: Re: We DO LOVE In response to Re: Re: We DO LOVE posted by alone1622:I haven't been on this site for a few months, and it is interesting to read all the new postings. Just to let you all know...things haven't really got any better here. My partner is still yelling and shouting at me for no apparent reason. At the moment he is telling me to stop "going on" but in fact it is me who says nothing and he is the one "going on..and on...and on... and on.." (yawm!). There is absolutely NO WAY to get through to him. He will NEVER think like me and he even said to me last night..."We are on different channels. You are on BBC and I am on ITV). So yes, he realises that we are totally different. His gripe at the moment is that he has a "full time job" whereas I just float about with my part time job, housework and kids. Of course, all that is just a doddle as all mums out there can relate to!!!! He never has to lift a finger in the house, not cook, clean, wash iron but he occasionally mows the lawn because I have been suffering with sciatica for 5 months (thankfully it is getting better). Apparently I have lost the concept of the real working world (even though before kids I worked full-time in London and various other places). He is constantly saying he is going to leave me, but ne never does. As I said before, he has got it too good with me. I am like his mother. He comes home to lovely home cooked food, washing, ironing, housework all done, but of course he never wants sex (well, you wouldn't have sex with your mother would you). I would like to point out that I am considered an attractive woman, I have a good figure and keep myself looking nice, but sexually I don't seem to attract him. Even when we do (occasionally) have sex, it is what I would call a roll-on roll-off affair! Not exactly earth-moving! After reading all the various postings, I do feel that things will NEVER get better. But it also seems that us people stuck with Aspies never have the courage to move on either. We love them...but we don't understand them. The frustration and anger inside us is wearing us down. I wish there was just something, anything I could say to him so he realised just how he makes me feel. I am still reeling from the events on my birthday. He hadn't got me a card, so he rushed out to the supermarket at 8 o'clock in the morning and bought one, and some half-dead flowers. Then he had an argument with my daughter, and of course, turned the blame onto me, called me all the names under the sun, ie weak mother, and reduced me to tears (on my birthday). I ended up cooking all the meals that day and all the washing up as usual. Nothing was special for me. Can't aspie people SEE what they're doing. How much it hurts us? Well, got to go now. I shall look forward to reading all the next postings. Rachel -- posted by Rachel43 » sahmomof8 - Just found this website I read a statistic where it said that 80 percent of AS marriages fail. I know why. I was reading some of the past posts from spouses, and I can so relate to them! The feelings of hopelessness, being trapped, feeling alone--I am THERE. My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married for almost 9. I knew early on that he was "quirky", set in his ways, and often socially awkward (like in telling jokes, getting in people's faces, and lots of other little signs), but I didn't know what I was looking at. Now I know, and I wish I had known then what I know now! We are expecting our third child together. I have been thinking of ending our marriage for quite a while now, always changing my mind because he can be SO sweet, remorseful, and loving--plus, we have two boys together who we are both devoted to. But I absolutely can't STAND this roller coaster existence! Nothing gets resolved, the relationship does not grow, he can't handle any changes, or discuss new information. We are stuck, literally and figuratively. I have no one to discuss this with. We had gone to a wonderful therapist for a while, but not too much got resolved because he could not initiate or sustain any changes. And the therapist did not think my husband had AS because he had "good eye contact"! Without understanding that he has AS, therapy is useless--and I don't know how useful it would be with someone who DID know! I am just so upset.-- posted by sahmomof8 » missmarnie - Is he AS? I am seeing a man for 9 months now. He is very smart and was considered a genius in school. He does well in his job( Works from a home office) and is well thought of but he does have to "cave" often and he does have seem to "intellectualize" all of his dealings with people when anything comes up that is not strictly business. He does not ever say or do anything romantic and when I say things to him, he looks puzzled and changes the subject. When we are intimate, he just says things about the physical act, not the emotions. When I said this was a major problem, he brings up the " fun" things we have done together, such as trips we have taken etc, but never mentions the closeness or the intimacy, just the scenery or the food, etc. When I say he is emotionally unavailable, he is sincerely hurt and doesn't have a clue what I mean. He is nearly 55 and has grown children and I am 44 with teenagers. His first wife was very distant and he said he was looking for a "loving and nurturing" partner this time!!!!! My first husband was a lot like him, but was very angry and was mentally abusive, so this sweet man is a welcome change, but I am in need of advice as to what is he really capable of. This is much more than the typical "male" behavior. Thanks for any insight!-- posted by missmarnie » sahmomof8 - Is he AS? Everything you wrote, from "he is emotionally unavailable" on down, could have, with very minor changes, been written by ME! My husband, too, has no clue what I am so angry and hurt about. My husband will be 60 in September, and I am 48. My husband and I both had been married before--me to an alcoholic, and him to a woman he said had been "crazy" and abusive towards him. Now I am beginning to think maybe she, too, was driven over the brink by a man who was emotionally unavailable and unable to handle a normal give and take relationship! Boy, would I love to sit down and talk to her! My husband said his idea of a midlife crisis was a "wife and kids", and he is a loving, gentle man--such a welcome change from the horror my first husband was! But, like you, I don't know what he's really capable of (change???), and this is definitely not just "typical male" insensitivity or denseness! Wish I HAD some insight for you. All I do know is that it feels good to know there are others out there who feel so similarly to me! I'm NOT crazy. I'm NOT just imagining it. Something is wrong, it's a problem HE has, and it is REAL. Now what?-- posted by sahmomof8 » missmarnie - Is he AS? In response to Is he AS? posted by sahmomof8:I guess since you are in the same age difference relationship and you have been at it longer than I have been, I can be blunt. Is it worth it? I have been with him for 9 months. He is very sweet but it takes a lot of effort to keep telling my self that he cares! I spent my entire marriage with a man who was cruel and now I have a chance to feel loved and respected and I do love him, but his is so not the text book romantic! He said his first wife was so distant and not "there" for him, but how can he even tell? He is in his own world! I need to be very carefule, his kids only come to him when it is proper, like holidays, they are grown. Mine are teenagers and the oldest leaves for college next fall. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I have to be fair to them as well as take a hard look at what I need and deserve. he is very special, but ...Is it worth it? He is very good at his job, and he is popular and deals with the public in that he goes in front of groups, but in a highly cerbrial crowd so his -- posted by missmarnie » fleet419 - Is he AS? In response to Is he AS? posted by missmarnie:Wow....this is indeed helpful. I have been married now for two years. My husband is indeed very smart. Loves the intelectual crowd and "fits" in. If you put him with my friends where he has to interact socially, it is like he can hold his attention for a short time then "goes" somewhere. It just isn't normal behavior. This is my second marriage. He is very sweet and doesn't get angry and treats me kindly, but there is little intimacy. He has a hard time looking at me or others in the eye. He has a hard time going to the mall. He has a difficult time with my kids - he can not intereact with them. Now I find myself in a difficult situation. Is it enough for me? It sounds like you are strugling with some of the same things! -- posted by fleet419 » lonelywife2006 - Is he AS? In response to Is he AS? posted by fleet419:I've been married 21 years to my AS husband and didn't know he had it until this year. Our son was dx'd in 1990 as being PDD/NOS and then autistic but I just ignored it...put him in special education classes and let the teachers take care of the situation. I thought it was random. I didn't realize it was genetically inherited. Now I realize that my husband's identical twin has a daughter with autism as well and I've made the connection and realized their mother (my husband and his twin) she is aspie as well. Very tactile defensive, incredibly intelligent, stiff. My husband and son has horrible no affect looks on their faces, monotone voices and deep depression. I'm beyond lonely and depressed. Finding this site full of information has been so great and realizing I'm not alone in this has been somewhat helpful. I'm currently reading "The Asperger Relationship" and it's very helpful. I wish I'd read it 20 yrs ago. The problem is my husband is impossible to live with and there has been so much damage from the 21 yrs of misunderstandings that I don't want to live w/him anymore. We can't afford two different households, altho my son is away at college, so it finally occurred to me that my husband has got to leave the house as soon as possible b/c the relationship is abusive and my self esteem cannot take the constant battering. I feel stupid that I didn't figure this out earlier. He was my 2nd marriage as well and such a kind gentle soul, however, he is very irrational, angry, unhappy, demanding, he cannot be interrupted once he's begun something and the lack of connection, intimacy, love - has killed off our relationship. I wish this wasn't so... I wish he could get well but it's killing me so this has to end. To the woman who has only been married 2 yrs... GET OUT NOW! It'll never been enough for you. No matter what you tell yourself. Don't waste your time. I wish I'd known... -- posted by lonelywife2006 » saint36 - dificulties inside my mind In response to dificulties inside my mind posted by AspyMoose:Dear AspyMoose, Do you have a website or place where I can get more insights into "your mind"? I am in a relationship with a man who probably has AS and we have separated yesterday, I will however, see what can be done if a realization and acceptance of AS will help. I can relate and understand what you said here, and I enjoy the "difficulties inside (my partner's) mind", but the painful effects of those "difficulties" have been impossible for us to understand - perhaps things will be different now that I know - and will tell him - about AS. Warm regards. -- posted by saint36 » kerrybobs - dificulties inside my mind In response to dificulties inside my mind posted by AspyMoose:Hiya, I have just discovered this site and I am feeling upset as reading your many posts relate to me. I have been with my partner for 15 years we have 3 daughters aged 13,11 and 2. Our middle daughter was diagnosed with AS 2 years ago and I felt as if my world had fell apart.With doing a lot of research on AS, I have suspected my partner of having it too. His Mother has bi polar and his son from a previous relationship has recently been diagnosed with mild schizophrenia. Our relationship has always been very volatile. He is 11 years older than me and I feel I picked up where his mother left off. I feel I have 4 kids as he is so immature. His anger is so bad he speaks to me and the children terribly. He seems to be jealous of the kids. The kids hate being left alone with him because he treats them terrible. Only tonight I came in from work and my middle daughter had recorded him on her mobile phone shouting & swearing at them. My oldest daughter told me that he had punched her in the arm last night as she was arguing with her sister and he could'nt hear the television. He is so self absorbed, its like the only thing he feels for us is hate. He wont socialise has not get any close friends, he finds it difficult to talk to people he does not know. He wont help around the house or help with bills or shopping. Everything is for him ie: betting. He will go to the betting shop from the minute it opens till the minute it shuts. All the responsibility is on me. He cannot deal with conflict he is irrational and flys off the handle at the smallest thing. Ive never been able to have a discussion with him as he just rants and has been violent in the past. The only time he is nice is when he wants sex. As soon as he has had it he will revert to his horrible self. If I try to give him a cuddle its like he is repulsed by me or the kids. If I have tried to give him a kiss there have been times he has literally ran out of the room. As for eating he never stops, If I buy a large 24 family pack of crisp he will eat the lot in a day. I am 33 years old and feel older than I am. I am on anti depressants and have been for 5 years. He can be so cruel he will say the most horrible things to me when he cant get his own way. Then cant understand why I am upset. I am just supposed to forget about everything he has said and done. I feel our relationship is take take take on his behalf. there is so much more obviously 15 years worth that I could tell you and I could possibly write a book about him. I want out, I really dislike him as a person there is only so much a person can take and I have my kids feelings to take into consideration. I feel so alone, there has to be more to life than this. Thanks for taking the time to read this any input would be gratefully appreciated. Many Thanks x -- posted by kerrybobs « Previous 1 2 3 Next » Please follow the guidelines set forth in the Suite101 Posting Etiquette when adding to the discussion. |
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