I'm desperate - Please help me
- maber
- Cherry
- vette85
- ImitationCrab
- Cherry
- Hope2Help
- Cherry
- mombryamy
- even_steven
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» maber - OCD and stubborn people
I'm so confused it's like I'm swimming in an ocean and I don't know which way is up or down and I can't see straight. Please help me...I was diagnosed with OCD about a month ago. I'm 17 years old, so still living with my parents. I believe I have had it all my life. When I was a small child, I used to see pictures in my head. I would visualize things like God naked, my parents dead, me killing other people or myself, me doing sexual things I would NEVER EVER have done, not even after MARRIAGE, and the pictures would NEVER EVER EVER go away. These sexual and violent images were so disturbing to me that they literally made me sick. I would try and stop them. I would imagine myself taking a hammer and smashing in my skull, or scrubbing my brain with a scrub brush, or dipping it in boiling acid, or chopping it to pieces with a ax. As you can imagine, these images only increased the anxiety because they didn't make the other pictures go away and now I had more to add to my collection. Of course I didn't tell anyone, because I was so convinced I was going to hell and I didn't want anyone else to know. The images stayed with me until high school. On top of that, sometimes I would have the most insane urge to do something totally ridiculous: shout a curse word in church or hit my best friend over the head with a frying pan, etc. Sometimes, words or phrases would enter my mind: my mom is a ____, or God is ____. This from someone who was afraid to think the word darn! None of these things helped any, and only increased my belief that I was going to hell. I also felt the need to analyze everything. Every time I'd make a mistake, I'd go over it in my head over and over and over and over again, and I couldn't stop trying to rationalize it or making myself feel stupid over it. I still do this.
Along about that time I started becoming concerned with symmetry. Everything had to be symmetrical. Not like lining things up, but if I touched one side of something I had to touch the other, or I'd get very ill. I was so young, however, that I thought this was normal behavior, and of course my parents never noticed and, because I thought it was normal, I never mentioned it.
The symmetry thing rapidly increased my senior year in high school (I'm about to graduate), probably due to stress. I started having mild "panic attacks" where I would hyper ventilate and my resting heart rate would soar way past 140 at any sign of asymmetry. When I was diagnosed a month ago as having OCD, I doubted at first that I had it because I had no ritualized behaviors that took more than one hour a day (DSM-IV). Then I started asking around and found out that to be diagnosed you have to only have obsessions OR compulsions, and that thoughts can also be compulsions (repeatedly imagining smashing my skull in with a hammer whenever sexual or violent repetitive images would show up). However, after I was diagnosed, I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that I might have OCD. I started reading other people's stories. That's where my mistake was.
I read about people who had to line up their food before they ate it, count things and couldn't stop, scrub their hands until they bled.
And then I started mimicking. In lunch one day a few weeks ago I looked at my green beans and realized how agitating the pile of unorganization was. So I lined them up in height order and ate them, biggest to smallest. Now I can't stop. Forget eating popcorn, rice, spaghetti, or trail mix. I can't stop lining up my food, and if I try to, I'll hyper ventilate.
Starting a couple of weeks ago, whenever I would get nervous I would count things, like I had read about, thinking maybe it would calm me down. (Anger management - count from 1 to 10, that kind of thing.) I would count from 1-5 five times, then from 5-1 five times, then do all that five times, or I would count things (tiles, lockers, holes in speakers). At first, it was conscious. Eventually it escalated into, "I just don't feel right until I do this." Now it's like, "If I try to stop I'll hyper ventilate."
One day, a few days ago, after I washed my hands, I realized they didn't quite feel clean. I kept washing them (as I had read about) five times. That helped. Then I saw a picture in my head: millions of tiny bugs (germs) crawling all over my hands and arms up to my elbows. So whenever I washed my hands, I'd wash up to my elbows five times. Then the bugs in my head started burrowing their way into my skin, and I started scrubbing my hands with a toothbrush. Now I have to spend 15 minutes scrubbing my hands and arms with a fingernail brush or a scour pad five times whenever I feel "gross" (i.e., after touching an unsterile doorknob, or another person.) This, however, waxes and wanes.
The thing is, my parents think I'm making it up to get attention. I finally told my mom everything about when I was a kid, and SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE ME. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!?!? I FINALLY work up the guts to TELL her and she thinks that I'm making it up to fit the diagnoses of some doctor! She thinks I'm doing all of this (repeating, counting, HYPER VENTILATING) just to prove to GOD ONLY KNOWS WHO that I do have OCD! SHE THINKS I'M MAKING MYSELF HYPERVENTILATE!!!!! And my DAD does too!!!!! I haven't even MENTIONED the hand washing - they'll just become MORE convinced. They are both SURE that not only is the diagnosis wrong, but that I'm A) making up the stories about when I was a kid just to fit the diagnosis, and B) consciously counting, repeating, lining up food, etc, just to fit the diagnosis. Now at first, I was consciously doing it, but now I can't stop. And I'm not making up the stories about when I was a kid! They think that I am making them up only because they have never heard me mention it before. WELL, HELLO! If YOU thought you were going to hell, would you want YOUR parents to know?!?!?
I'm going to run away. I cannot possibly live like this anymore. I hate my life and I hate my parents. They are so stupid and stubborn and thick headed and STUPID. I hate them. I just have to make it through five more weeks of school, and then I'm moving into an apartment with my best friend before I am able to go off to college and NEVER SPEAK TO THEM AGAIN.
If you've read this far, I owe you a debt of gratitude. I'm begging you, please answer me just these two questions:
1) Could they be right? Is it possible?
2) How can I POSSIBLY make it through another five weeks with them without running away?!?!?
Thank you so much,
Maber
-- posted by maber
» Cherry - Re: OCD and stubborn people
In response to message posted by maber:Maber,
You posted your message in two spots and I responded to the first message. Let me add -- I am praying for you and your family. I know things will work out. Stick around home. I think your parents will come around and learn more about OCD. You are lucky to get to go to college next year. Being a senior in highschool is quite stressful, I know from my experience and from two kids, one in his first year of college. But having OCD or another chronic illness can make stressful times even more stressful.
Cherry Pedrick, RN
coauthor of The OCD Workbook
-- posted by Cherry
» vette85 - Re: OCD and stubborn people
Maber, I am a person who also has OCD who also happens to be a Christian. Part of what you have is one of the subtypes of OCD called "Purely Obcessional OCD". I recommend that you go to the www.ocdonline.com website and read the article called "Thinking the Unthinkable" article by Dr. Steven Phillipson along with the other articles by him dealing with purely obcessional ocd. I have dealt with a lot of the problems you have Maber, and running away will not help. Your ocd problems will follow you. Mellisa H. means well in her response to you, telling you to rebuke these thoughts. Our natural instinct is to try to suppress these thoughts. It is also harmful to look at these thoughts and see what they might signify about ourselves. By trying to stop these thoughts, you sensitize them and pretty soon you find that that is all you can think about and that they take up all your time. Again, I strongly recommend reading these articles. They contain a lot of the answers you are looking for as far as the "bad thoughts" you have.-- posted by vette85
» ImitationCrab - Re: OCD and stubborn people
In response to message posted by maber:Hi. I'm 22 years old and have had OCD since around age 7. Your symptoms are real and normal for OCD. The symmetry obsession is evidently very common for people with OCD... I used to have that obsession myself.
Some tips:
Don't confuse your OCD with your religion. Don't let people make things worse by telling you to 'turn for God' for the answers -- because your conception of God will just get interwoven with your OCD... if God exists, that's NOT what he'd want, right?
Don't obsess about defeating your obsessions. In the 'advanced stages' of confronting the disease, I found that I used to obsess over remembering the various realizations I came to -- ideas as to how to beat OCD... then THOSE became my new obsessions and remembering them by reciting them became my compulsion. This is all just a horrible maze that you CAN escape from.
Here's what to do. (1) Don't worry if your parents don't believe you at first. When they realize you're truly unhappy they'll know you're not faking it... and even if they think you just want attention, they should acknowledge that you have a problem that needs work. So be calm for the time being. (2) By all means talk to a professional psychiatrist -- a GOOD one... they'll walk you through your symptoms and help 'rationalize' the disease for you-- once you know that what you have is REAL, that's half the battle. (3) Understand this point, but don't obsess about remembering it-- it's logical and will come naturally: IT DOESN'T MATTER. Symmetry? It doesn't matter. Excessive cleanliness? It doesn't matter. Think of life as fun, interesting and of OCD as a distraction... your temptation is to feel you'll be 'punished' if you don't follow the 'rules' your OCD has laid out for you. I used to think I'd go to hell if I didn't give in to OCD... but now I know that's ridiculous... what God would make the passage to Heaven dependent on a disease? It doesn't matter. OCD dresses up ordinary concerns and ideas we all have in passing and makes them seem HORRIBLY IMPORTANT... but they aren't. It might occur to you that it's very important to have perfect symmetry, for example -- but stop, take a deep breath and ask yourself: Is it REALLY important? and why? -- does the answer sound irrational? ridiculous? does it really matter anymore? If you don't have perfect symmetry and you don't WORRY about having it, I promise you that you won't turn into a pumpkin. God is not a disease.
That's my advice. It's worked well for me... but everyone's different, which is why it's best to see a professional who is willing to work with you and who really cares. In the meantime, try to let the bad thoughts go and try not to obsess about beating the obsessions -- let thoughts and realizations and wants and needs come naturally; never force it.
All the best, Justin Weaver.
-- posted by ImitationCrab
» Cherry - www.ocdonline.com
Maber and all,I agree. Dr. Phillipson has some really great articles at his website at www.ocdonline.com. A good book about scrupulosity, which is religious obsessions, is The Doubting Disease by Joseph Ciarrocchi. He does a good job of explaining it and how to work on these type of thoughts. Tormenting Thoughts and Secret Rituals by Ian Osborn is also great. It is about what is called "pure obsessions."
Cherry Pedrick, RN
Cherlene@aol.com
coauthor of The OCD Workbook
-- posted by Cherry
» Hope2Help - Re: OCD and stubborn people
In response to message posted by maber:Dear maber
I have been suffering from ocd since I was 23 yrs.old. The time that the chemical inbalance started nobody new in my family or even some doctors what was wrong with me. It was overwelheming. My best advice to you would be to first put your faith in God, as him to help you to fight this horrible problem. As for your parents, you might have to do some research to show them that you have the symptoms of ocd. If possible get some pamphlets from your doctors office. I have had some very hard times with this condition. The best advice I can give you for yourself, is to believe in yourself no matter how hard it may seem and never give up hope. I have been fighting this imbalance for 13 years and I refuse to give up. Even though alot of people dont understand!! I have come to realize that I am the only one that knows how I feel and whatever it takes I will never give up on the fact that some day I will reach my goal as to how I want to feel. I also had obessive thinking, some simular to your thoughts. I have regained alot of my life back with taking medication for the chemical imbalance. Please try to understand, no matter how hard it may seem, that your parents just do not understand your complications, and sooner or later they will come around. Please give up on the idea of leaving home. Sometimes this is part of the struggle, to help others understand.I do understand how hard and how stressful this point of your life is, but I want you to know that things can and will get better.Believe me when I say, I never thought I would be able to tell anyone this. Ocd is a very frustrating and time consuming illness. My heart goes out to you!!!! We have to all stick together to help others understand and I know that each and everyone of us will in our time find the strength, and peace of mind that we all deserve!
God Bless You!!Take Care!! Hang in there!!!
sincerly,
Hope2Help
-- posted by Hope2Help
» mombryamy - Re: OCD and stubborn people
In response to message posted by maber:Maber, you sound like a bright articulate wonderful girl! I agree with all the posts here. I want to add something. I know in the end you will find your way and be okay.
I have serious horrible OCD that started in fourth grade(I am 51). I had many of you symptoms. OCD can feel like you fell into a pit of sand and the harder you try to claw your way out the deeper in you go! I can so relate to your fear, frustration, and pain. I became so sick with my OCD four years ago that I virtually became a shut in. I wore rubber gloves around the house and often was so obsessed with thoughts I couldn't leave my bedroom!
In my case, I read the book Brain lock, went to a therapist, tried medications until I found one that worked(Celexa), and got rid of a few friends that were not good for me.
I am not cured by a long shot. OCD is the gift that keeps on giving! But I am much much better.
I know that there will come a day when you post here and tell us things are starting to get better! I am rooting for you and I totally relate! I am new to this site but I can tell you just acquired a wonderful support system. It helps to feel othes care and they do! Post often! Good luck and realize you have many reasons to be proud of yourself! Bonnie
-- posted by mombryamy
» even_steven - Re: OCD and stubborn people
In response to message posted by maber:maber, i understand where you are coming from with the situation with your parents. I have recently brought my concerns to my mom whos comment was that "you could look up any illness and find symptoms you can relate yourself to". She doesn't seem to want to belive me. I have had difficulties with symmetry in the past, where like you said if I touched something on one side I had to touch the other. I am the same age as you so I know that school is stressing enough without having this to deal with on top of everything. I don't think running away is the answer though. Maybe your family just needs some time. Like someone else on here said, maybe getting them pamphlets and other information for them to read would help them understand and belive you. I believe we all need our families. They may not believe you now but think how much better it will be when they do and they are there to support you through all of this.
-- posted by even_steven
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