Handling Parent Teen Conflict

Posted by
Barbara Gibson
May 12, 2007

You may be wondering what happened to the pleasant, agreeable child that hung on your every word. How is that you've moved from being someone your child believed knew most everything to someone your child is sure knows nothing?

Fights about curfew, friends, grades, computer and telephone time, and chores are frustrating - yes -uncommon - no. Recall now your own teen years. Remember what you wanted. Remind yourself that although you didn't get everything you thought (in your infinite teen wisdom) you needed, you are doing okay. Your teen will be okay, too.

In the meantime here are a few tips to help you get through the testy teen years.

Listen with the intent to understand (yes, I've said it before, and yes, it's still important). Let your teen know that you heard, and even understood, even when the decision must remain the same. Show compassion and sympathy by using phrases such as: I know it's tough.... I know you're disappointed, but; and even so or nevertheless, you can't use the car tonight.
Distinguish between privileges and rights. Some of the rights teens should expect are warm shelter, clothing, love, food, educational opportunities and safety. Many of the other things they expect, such as designer clothing, telephones, computers, movie money, etc. are not rights - they are privileges. Sal Severe, author of, "How to Behave So Your Children Will Too, advises parents not to "give the ice cream away for free." When privileges are tied to appropriate behavior - kids have more motivation to behave appropriately.
Invest in your relationship with your teen. Look for (or create) opportunities to spend meaningful time together, offer specific feedback and praise when your teen meets your behavioral expectations, let your teen know what you like about him/her, avoid down-talking, belittling or humiliating your teen. Teens have less motivation to behave in ways that please parents when the parent teen relationship is strained.

Finally, don't take it too personally. Although it may not look like it most of the time, your teen does love you - just as you love your teen. There will come a time when these years will be a memory you'll laugh about... together.