California Bought By Indians

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United Native Americans is proud to announce that it has purchased

the state of California from the whites and is throwing it open for

Indian settlement.

UNA bought California from three winos found wandering in San-

Francisco. UNA decided the winos were the spokesmen for the white

people of California. These winos promptly signed the treaty, which

was written in the Lakota language, and sold California for three

bottles of wine, one bottle of gin, and four cases of beer.

Lehman L. Brightman, the Commissioner of Caucasian Affairs, has

announced the following new policies: The Indians hereby give the

whites four large reservations of ten acres each at the following loc-

ations: Death Valley, The Utah Salt Flats, The Badlands of South

Dakota, and the Yukon in Alaska. These reservations shall belong

to the whites "for as long as the sun shines or the grass grows"

(or until the Indians want it back.)

All land on the reservations, of course, will be held in trust for the

whites by the Bureau of Caucasian Affairs, and any white who wants

to use his land in any way must secure permission from Commissioner

Brightman.

Of course, whites will be allowed to sell trades and handicrafts at

stands by the highway. Each white will be provided annually with

one blanket, one pair of tennis shoes, a supply of Spam, and a copy

of 'The Life of Crazy Horse'.

If you are competent enough, you will be able to be a BCA reservation

superintendant. Applicants must have less than one year of education,

must not speak English, must have an authoritarian personality, proof

of dishonesty, and a certificate of incompetence. No whites need apply.

Commissioner Brightman also announced the founding of four boarding

schools, to which white youngsters will be sent at the age of six (6). "We

want to take those kids far away from the backward culture of their

parents," he said. The schools will be located on Alcatraz Island, the

Florida Everglades, Point Barrow Alaska, and Hong Kong. All courses

will be taught in Indian languages, and there will be demerits for any

child caught speaking English. All students arriving at the school will

immediately be given IQ tests to determine their understanding of Indian

language, spirituality and hunting skills.

Hospitals will be established for the reservations as follows: Whites at

Death Valley may go to the Bangor, Maine Hospital; those at the Utah

Salt Flats may go to the Juneau, Alaska Hospital; those at the Yukon

may go to the Miami Beach Hospital; and those at the Badlands may

go to the Hospital in Honolulu, Hawaii. Each hospital will have a staff

of two part-time doctors and a part-time chiropractor who have all

passed first aid tests. And each hospital will be equipped with a

scalpel, a jack knife, a saw, a modern torniquet, and a large bottle

of aspirin.

In honor of the whites, many cities, street cars, sports teams and

products will be given traditional white names.

One famous Indian movie director has even announced that in his

upcoming film, 'Custers Last Stand', he will use many actual whites

to play the parts of the soldiers, speaking real English. But of course,

the part of Custer will be played by noted Indian actor Jay Silverheels.

Certain barbaric white customs will, of course, not be allowed. Whites

will not be allowed to practice their heathen religions, and will be

required to attend Indian ceremonies. Missionaries will be sent from

each Indian Nation to convert the whites on the reservations. White

churches will either be made into amusement parks or museums, or

they will be torn down and the bricks and ornaments sold as

novelties, souvenirs and curiosities.

For another fun role reversal, see Invasion Story.

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