Simon Melville's Blog

Posted by Simon Melville

In England, Manchester United were shocked by struggling Championship side Southend United.

Despite fielding Wayne Rooney and Cristiano Ronaldo, United’s team of reserves and youngster could not find a way past the Shrimpers’ goalie Daryl Flahavan.

The home team’s star striker Freddie Eastwood scored a fizzing 30-yard free kick to fire the Essex seaside club into the quarterfinals and seal a 1-0 victory.

Over the border in Scotland and both Rangers and Celtic have been dumped out of their League Cup – meaning that for only the second time in a decade neither of the Glaswegian big two will make the final.

Rangers lost at home to second division leaders St Johnstone on Wednesday night while Celtic lost on penalties to Falkirk, 24 hours earlier.

In Spain, Real Sociedad were knocked out of the Copa del Rey by second division Malaga (see here for info on their unfortunate relegation last season).

Maybe it wasn’t so surprising as the Basques are La Liga’s bottom side – and at least they won their first competitive game of the season by winning 2-1 – but that was nowhere near enough to overturn a 4-1 first leg deficit.

The holders Espanyol also surprisingly lost to second divsion Rayo Vallecano.

In Holland, Feyenoord crashed out to modest RKC – an extra time header from Stephan Keller knocked the Rotterdam side out and booked a place in the last 16 for the small club from Waalwijk.

That result compounds Feyenoord’s miserable start to the season -- with no place in Europe for them this term, the cup would have been a welcome distraction from a poor league campaign which sees them languishing in sixth – already ten points behind leaders and arch rivals Ajax.

The Italians also played some cup games this week, but like Spain they prefer two-legged affairs so we won’t know of any upsets until the second legs are played in a fortnight.

One minor shock was that Serie B team Arezzo beat top division team Livorno 2-1 in their first game.

Quite how seriously the Serie A side took it is hard to judge – last week, Livorno’s chairman said he wanted his team to lose in the Uefa Cup so they could concentrate on the Italian league!

Posted by Simon Melville

If you cast your mind back to May and the FA Cup final, it was only a last minute thunderbolt from Steven Gerrard that separated West Ham from a piece of silverware to accompany their impressive ninth place in their first season back in the top flight.

Fast-forward five months and the pressure is on manager Alan Pardew after seven defeats in a row in the league and now they've been dumped out of the Carling Cup by League One Chesterfield.

Despite Marlon Harewood giving the Premiership side the lead, Caleb Folan and Colin Larkin scored the crucial goals for the home side to seal a 2-1 victory and pile the pressure on manager Alan Pardew.

Where has it all gone wrong?

Most fingers are pointing at the arrival of the two Argentinian World Cup stars Javier Mascherano and Carlos Tevez on the last day of the transfer window in August. This surprising move was seen as part of a takeover of the club by the investment company MSI and although the machinations behind the scenes were heavily criticised in the media, the arrival of the players was seen as an unalloyed good for West Ham's on-pitch prospects.

Sadly for the Hammers (and for MSI) it hasn't worked out as they imagined. Since Carlos and Javier turned up, West Ham have failed to win a match and after Tuesday's embarrassing cup exit, they have scored only one goal in 758 minutes of football.

The Argies can't be blamed directly for the Chesterfield loss as neither were in the squad, but it's true that neither have shone as expected. The Premiership is not a natural home for Argentinians (to the league's detriment) -- the type of football, weather and language can defeat all but the hardiest of South American travellers. But most of the blame must surely lie with how Alan Pardew has played the pair -- in the last league match (a 1-0 loss away at Spurs) Mascherano played wide midfield and Tevez was on the bench. When Tevez has played, he has been shunted out on the wing -- much to current Argentinian national team coach Alfio Basile's dismay.

It would signal that Pardew is not familiar with the duo's history and may only have seen them play at the World Cup (where Tevez was largely reserved for cameo appearances off the bench out wide).

And here lies one of the biggest problems with the MSI-style of club-management: throwing the best players at a side can upset team spirit, especially if rumours of higher wages for the newcomers are true. It also means an unprepared coach suddenly has players he doesn't want in his squad. Although MSI won a Brazilian league last season using this tactic with a Tevez and Mascherano-fired Corinthians, this season they languish in 16th place, in real danger of relegation.

The fact that it was said MSI were keen to replace Pardew with current-Portugal coach Luiz Felipe Scolari -- a Brazilian famous for his contempt for all things Argentinian -- shows how little long term strategy seems to be behind their takeover. And the party has been joined by Icelandic biscuit-magnate Eggert Magnusson who is keen to thwart the MSI acquisition.

In all likelihood, it is likely that this off-field turmoil is more responsible than the two South Americans for upsetting the Hammers.

And even then, it's more likely that the over-achieving Londoners have come back down to the standard more befitting for a side in only it's second season back in the Premiership. All sides hit slumps and West Ham are certainly mired in one now -- although the season is still young, the rumours surrounding Pardew's future have started to swirl.

Despite their excellent showing last season, Pardew has never been popular with West Ham fans and while the Upton Park board have a reputation of patience with their managers, the modern world of the Premiership means that tolerance is in short supply even at West Ham. When Glenn Roeder was in charge the last time West Ham were relegated in 2003, he lasted two weeks of the new season before being replaced.

Pardew has not been helped with a pre-season injury to main striker Dean Ashton but the lack of reinforcements (outside of the Argentinian surprises) has also been questioned -- the squad still has only one real right back and a dearth of wide players.

The lesson of Ipswich Town in 2000 may be instructive. That newly promoted team finished fifth in their first trip back to the Premiership and had a good run in the next season's UEFA Cup. Sadly for them, and despite keeping their squad together, Ipswich finished bottom of the table the next season.

However, Ashton is due back by the end of the year and once Tevez and Mascherano pick up the pace of English football, the Hammers will have two of the best players in the world.

Trouble is, by then it could be an uphill struggle to avoid relegation and Alan Pardew may not be in charge to see any recovery.

Worrying times for Hammers fans and, with the media vultures circling, for Alan Pardew as well.

Posted by Simon Melville

Gretna are a success story in Scottish football. Bankrolled by millionaire Miles Brookson, the side from the town best known for shotgun weddings, have won two successive promotions and made the Scottish FA Cup final last season.

Gretna share top spot with Livingston and St Johnstone in Division One and look like being in the mix at the end of the season for another promotion and end up in the Premier League with the big boys like Celtic and Rangers.

They lost 2-0 at home to second-from-bottom Airdrie on Saturday which would have been mildly newsworthy, but it was the antics of some Airdrie fans that have made a few headlines (actually just two: http://www.gretna.vitalfootball.co.uk/article.asp?a=33073 and http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/south_of_scotland/5405722.stm

Apparently a few Airdrie fans decided to greet Gretna's introduction of Matthew Berkeley (a black Englishman) as a substitute by donning Ku Klux Klan headgear.

According to Ch Insp Stewart Wilson: "They weren't wearing these masks continuously and we made an effort to identify who was in possession of them. However, owing to the fact that it was in a standing area these supporters were pretty boisterous and moving around a lot, we were unable to do that."

It makes you wonder just how many away fans there were that the police couldn't identify the men holding white hoods -- especially as the entire attendance was 1,492.

At least both clubs have stridently denounced the activities of the Klansmen and Gretna were already organising a "Show Racism the Red Card" event later in October.

And there is a happy ending for Berkeley who has just received a call-up to the St Kitts & Nevis U20 World Cup qualifying squad (thanks to his parents' birthplace).

Hopefully, those Airdrie fans will be getting a call from the police and banned from going to football matches for a very long time.

Posted by Simon Melville

Portsmouth are not one of the traditionally big teams in England, yet they find themselves sitting pretty atop the Premiership after five games.

The city itself is in Hampshire on the south coast of England. And it's pretty grotty. An old-fashioned, naval town, it is rough as sausages -- just the thought of going there scares me.

Their run-down home, Fratton Park, is light years away from the shiny new megadomes that the likes of Arsenal and Chelsea strut ther stuff in -- the 20,000-capacity stadium is an old fashioned venue and one of the last true working-class arenas in the Premiership (along with West Ham's Upton Park) with vociferous support.

For some reason, when I shut my eyes and think "Fratton Park" (not often) I see rain lashing down, wind howling and an idiot in the stand, silly hat and wig on head, standing up and ringing a bell -- for 90 minutes.

That bell ringing can make watching a game at Fratton Park (even on TV) a chore. The man responsible is John "Portsmouth Football Club" Westwood. That's not a nickname, he actually changed his name to Portsmouth Football Club.

Check out this three minute RealPlayer video from the BBC's 'Video Nation' series to gain all you need to know about Mr Club -- see his hat, his wig, his countless tattoos and his sodding bell.

Give their fans their due though -- they are a very passionate bunch and you certainly don't get the genteel hush currently heard across other Premiership grounds.

Portsmouth's (the city and club) nickname is Pompey -- no one knows why, although there is a series of unlikely reasons that are wheeled out. I mean, is this a serious suggestion: Dame Agnes Weston was describing the murder of the Roman general Pompey at a lecture to a naval audience. A member of the audience exclaimed "Poor old Pompey!" and this phrase stuck. I think not.

Their big rivals are Southampton, another proud naval city just down the coast in Hampshire and the atmosphere at matches when they meet is murderous. Mercifully, the two have yo-yo'd between the two top divisions and unless they draw each other in the cups they won't meet this season at least.

Pompey's recent renaissance has come under Serbian-American computer-parts tycoon Milan Mandaric. With his ownership, the club could afford better players and better coaches and under the guidance of former West Ham manager Harry Redknapp, they won promotion to the Premiership in 2003 and have stayed there ever since.

Last year Redknapp shocked English football by quitting Pompey and after a short break, going to Southampton of all clubs. Just as shocking, Mandaric took Redknapp back last December and charged him with saving the club from relegation.

Amazingly, he did. With the help of even more money (thought to be £15m) from new backer Alexandre Gaydamak, Redknapp brought in a large number of players and on the last day of the season secured their place in the Premiership by beating Wigan.

In July, Mandaric sold out the rest of his stake to Gaydamak (although he stays on as non-executive chairman) and purchased some ageing but international-class players to fire them to the top of the table (and as yet, not conceding a goal): Sol Campbell, David James, Nwankwo Kanu and Andrew Cole, as well as young stars like Niko Kranjcar and Manuel Fernandes.

All these transfer movements have attracted some bad publicity however, as Harry Redknapp is one of the managers embroiled in the breaking bungs scandal.

With Chelsea and Manchester United only a point behind, you can't see Pompey staying there all season, but with such a great start and deep pockets in the board room for reinforcements they have a good chance to challenge for a Uefa Cup place at the very least.

Although buying your way to the title is something that is frowned upon when Chelsea do it, Portsmouth get cut a little more slack just for being outside the usual suspects.

And admittedly it is a breath of fresh air. But with the team due to move out of Fratton Park in 2007, can they keep their old-fashioned working-class image? If they can keep on challenging for trophies then the fans won't mind, but something will have been lost, especially as there are so few clubs still staying true to their roots.

We can enjoy their moment in the sun (and long may it continue) but how long they can justifiably be seen as the underdog is to be questioned.

Posted by Simon Melville

Grab a box of kleenex because I have a very sad story to tell, involving an unloved middle-aged Swedish man.

This man had to work in a high-powered job with nothing to support him but about £3m a year.

And a fancy lawyer girlfriend.

And, er, several liaisons with 'lady friends'.

And did I mention that £3m?

Anyway, this poor fellow (let's call him Sven Goran Eriksson, because that's who it is), didn't do very well in the job he was paid for and had to leave (that's the World Cup).

And everyone hates him.

It's getting him down a bit. So much so, he pulled out of a Fifa international symposium due to the constant criticism.

As his good mate Lennart has told us.

The Lennart in question is Lennart Johansson, and he happens to be a fellow Swede and president of Uefa, the European governing body for football.

Johansson says Eriksson "has had enough. He thinks that people have been saying how incompetent he is."

Well, that's because they have been saying how incompetent he is.

I'm not sure Lennart's comments will put Sven in a better light, especially when he adds: "He has his money and will still try to have his pride."

Generally, I find reminding everyone just how rich Sven is, doesn't really make us feel any better. Also, it's noticeable that Lennart isn't 100% sure that he actually does have his pride. Vast riches? Yes. Dignity? Maybe not.

But Sven will bounce back, I'm sure -- he's in talks to be the next USA manager and would even consider a move back to English football.

Who with? Sven, with typical modesty says: "Arsenal? Liverpool? Manchester? They're all big clubs, and any of those would be good."

Yeah, that would be good. I quite fancy them as well.

Is the man deranged? He's like a student telling the career guidance man that he'd quite like a go as Prime Minister on the back of an E grade in his woodwork A-level.

No, no, no, Sven. Let me sort you out with something more suitable...let's have a look...

Ah, got it! This will do nicely.

OK, it only appears to be paying £7 -- not sure if that's per hour or in total, but you're not short of a bob or two according to your mate Lennart.

The only other minor problem is that Jermain Defoe currently lives just outside the town and he's not that keen on you. Because you left him out of the World Cup squad, remember?

But you need to start again somewhere. Best of luck, you start on Monday.

Posted by Simon Melville

I think it's safe to say that no-one really expected Argentinian stars Javier Mascherano and Carlos Tevez to stay at Brazilian side Corinthians for much longer.

It's also fair to say that no-one predicted they would end up in East London with West Ham at any stage of their career let alone as their first step into European club football.

With transfer deadline looming (23:59.59 on 31st August) plenty of papers were taking about the imminent departure of the South American duo to Chelsea, Manchester United or Arsenal.

The fact that they are now West Ham players -- signed on permanent contracts for four years according to the club website -- has surprised everyone.

Apart from this, no other information has been released. What makes the purchase so interesting is the involvement of London based international investment fund Media Sports Investment (MSI) "led" (as their utterly unenlightening website puts it) by the Iranian financier Kia Joorabchian.

No more information is forthcoming so there's no concrete information on what the actual price was, whether there's a buy back fee, a sell-on percentage or even who the money is paid to -- MSI own Corinthians, as well as the rights to the players themselves and its even be suggested that Joorabchian personally has a stake in them.

It's all very confusing but the Daily Telegraph makes an attempt to fill in some details but it's all conjecture.

With alleged personal links between Joorabchian and Chelsea's Russian owner Roman Abramovich, rumours that Tevez and Mascherano have been "parked" at West Ham before moving to Chelsea have arisen. This wouldn't seem that outrageous, especially as Chelsea (like many big European clubs) have arrangements with other sides to place players at clubs for however long it takes them to get used to European football or gain an EU passport to circumvent foreigner-restriction rules. West Ham gain two excellent players for a small outlay for however long before they get the call from a bigger club.

MSI were looking to buy West Ham (as well as Aston Villa) last year but the talks fizzled out in November 2005 and some have seen this as a sign the talks are back on -- but it would be a curious time for MSI to start investing, as the window is shut they can't bring anyone else in.

These cloak-and-dagger shenanigans have clouded the fact that both players are fine footballers and coveted by the biggest teams in Europe for a reason.

Mascherano is a defensive midfielder, primarily used by club and country to shield the back four. He's also happy coming forward and has good passing ability. Before his move to Corinthians, he played for River Plate in Argentina and was a crucial part of the Argentinian Olympic winning side of 2004.

Tevez (known as Carlitos in his Corinthians days) has been causing waves in world football since he made his debut as a 16 year old for Boca Juniors in Buenos Aires. A squat, powerful figure, he is happiest receiving the ball from deep and making powerful runs into the opposition penalty area -- his style of play will remind English football fans of Wayne Rooney.

Players of their quality should have no problem settling into the English game although Argentinians have not had a happy time of it in the Premiership -- Juan Sebastian Veron disappointed at both Man Utd and Chelsea while Hernan Crespo was defeated by the English lifestyle and weather. Indications aren't great as Tevez was stripped of the Corinthians captaincy by coach Emerson Leao due to his inability to speak Portuguese. How well both get on with English remains to be seen.

They already have a firm grasp of the platitude, if the comments attributed to them at the West Ham website are anything to go by. Mascherano is particularly ingratiating: "I am aware of some of the great players at West Ham. I know of Anton Ferdinand - he is talked about a lot in Argentina as a great player of future, while I also like Nigel Reo-Coker".

Somehow I am left unconvinced that the sophisticated bars the Portenos frequent of an evening are full of chatter about the less-dopey Ferdinand brother and NRC. Read more of Javier and Carlos's comments here.

Whatever the truth of the transfers, West Ham have two exciting players on their hands although it remains to be seen how long they stay. Hammers fans will do well to note that Tevez once turned up to a Corinthians press conference in a Manchester United shirt. No-one should imagine that either of them will be happy to stay at Upton Park if Barcelona, Real Madrid or the big English teams come knocking.

We should all enjoy the surprising sight of Tevez and Mascherano playing in West Ham claret and blue while we can.

***

Rejoice! Rejoice!

He's gone! Finally!

The rest of the transfer deadline deals got rather lost in the midst of the fuss about Tevez and Mascherano but we should all be thankful that one of the very last deals was rubber-stamped before the window slammed shut.

Sour-faced millionaire Ashley Cole has at long-last joined Chelsea where fellow grumpy sod William Gallas has gone the other way and joined Arsenal (plus five million pounds).

Of course, for next couple of weeks there will be reheatings of the tapping-up affair and bits from Ashley's book and when they play each other it will all come out again but at least we can all focus on something else a lot more healthy now. Like the great Tevez/Mascherano conspiracy for example.

Arsenal have also swapped homesick Jose Antonio Reyes for Brazilian beast Julio "The Bap" Baptista with Real Madrid and bid a not-so-fond adieu to useless domehead centre-back Pascal "The New Igor Stepanovs" Cygan -- Villarreal are the unlucky recipients of the hapless defender.

Other interesting Premiership moves see Pompey doing their mini-Chelsea thing by snapping up playmaker Niko Kranjcar from Hajduk Split, midfield action man Manuel Fernandes from Benfica, Cameroonian winger-cum-striker Rudolph Douala (a long time Middlesbrough target in the McClaren days) from Sporting, as well as veteran goal-getter Andy "Call me Andrew" Cole.

Tottenham have nabbed two disgruntled players: Pascal Chimbonda from Wigan and Steed Malbranque from Fulham; Jonathan Woodgate is loaned to hometown club Middlesbrough from Real Madrid and Blackburn have taken Congolese striker Shabani Nonda on loan from Roma.

Man City are hoping that their left-sided midfield problems can be solved by the loaning of American winger DaMarcus Beasley from PSV. He had an excellent first season with the side from Eindhoven but lost form last year. A very talented player but also very slight, it will be interesting to see if he can adapt to the Premiership.

There were also some interesting non-Premiership moves. AC Milan signed Brazilian Ricardo Oliveira from Real Betis to bolster their front line although their mummified defence could really have done with the reinforcements. The Seville side had already brought in Oliveira's replacement in the shape of Internacional's blonde-highlighted Rafael Sobis. Sobis is a tricky little frontman fresh from winning the Copa Liberatdores with Inter -- the sort of Brazilian striker that seems to have gone out of fashion in his homeland or at least with the last few mangers of the national team.

Feyenoord have signed centre forward Angelos Charisteas from Ajax. A misfiring Greek striker wouldn't normally be news but for the last 13 years the clubs from Amsterdam and Rotterdam have had a gentleman's agreement not to sign each other's players -- although a few young players released from their contracts have made the move.

The last player to be bought by Feyenoord from Ajax was John van Loen back in 1993.

He was nicknamed "The Red Baron" and "The Lighthouse" due to his red hair. Here's the Ginger Prince in all his glory.

Lastly, Argentina captain Juan Pablo Sorin has completed a move to Hamburg. Sorin has now played in Italy (Juventus and Lazio), Spain (Barcelona and Villarreal), France (Paris St Germain), as well as his native Argentina for River Plate and for Cruzeiro in Brazil. Just the Premiership to go and he's done a clean sweep of the major world leagues.

The only player I can think of who has managed something similar is World Cup USA 1994 star Florin Raducioiu who did pay for a team in each of the five big leagues. The Romanian played for Dinamo Bucharest in his native land, and also in Italy (Brescia and AC Milan amongst others), Spain (Espanyol), Germany (Stuttgart), France (Monaco) and West Ham in England.

Posted by Simon Melville

England are back! World Cup winners in 2010 for sure! It was that bloody Sven that mucked it up, innit?

If only Steve McClaren had been in charge at the World Cup.

If only Becks had been dumped a bit quicker.

If only Fifa had allowed us to play Greece at Old Trafford seven times in a row to decide who was world champions instead of holding something as old-fashioned as a World Cup full of good teams.

Never mind. 45,000 fans braved the Mancunian drizzle to watch what was meant to be a triumphant homecoming for the World Cup winners but was actually a one-sided friendly between two European nobodies that ended 4-0 to England.

Frankly it was a stupid time to have a friendly -- even before the Premiership season has started and West Ham are no doubt delighted that Dean Ashton has picked up a broken ankle and won't kick a ball for the Hammers for a number of months. And without the suspended Wayne Rooney and injured Michael Owen, the absence of Ashton exacerbates the problems the Three Lions have with their strike force for the first European Championships qualifier against Andorra next month.

Peter Crouch and Jermain Defoe look shoo-ins to start that game up front and both looked lively against Greece, with "Big Crouchy" getting a brace to improve his scoring record at international level to an impressive eight goals in 12 games.

Assuming there are no more injuries then the team should stay the same although Stewart Downing's position on the left of midfield could be challenged if Joe Cole recovers from injury.

The midfield worked better that at Germany 06, with Steven Gerrard taking over David Beckham's old position on the right and Owen Hargreaves partnering Frank Lampard in the middle. Having said that, Greece were so inept in the first half that I could have partnered Frank Bruno and it would have been a stroll for England.

The bouquets are on hold for the moment but the brickbats are not out yet either. We shall have to wait for the competitive matches before knowing if our worst fears about a McClaren regime are realised.

Yes, I like to look on the bright side.

***

Owen Hargreaves was man of the match in that England friendly and was voted the best Englishman at the World Cup by the supporters -- which certainly marks some turn-around from a few months ago.

He's about to spoil all his hard work with the English football fans though -- by threatening to join Manchester United.

Hargreaves has won everything with current club Bayern Munich (including a Champions League) and a change of clubs would see him pick up an even bigger pay cheque as well as grant him a place in the English media spotlight where he can cement his new found position as the nation's sweetheart.

Whether he can provide the bite that Manchester United's midfield is lacking is questionable. Hargreaves is a player happier going box to box rather than sitting in front of a back four and although he puts himself about a bit (so to speak) he isn't really a defensive midfielder. Michael Carrick has been signed and will now probably be ask to sit and pass the ball so Hargreaves may be allowed to get forward from midfield but that still leaves the team woefully lacking in someone to win the ball back when they lose it.

This looks like another one of those big money transfer splashes that Alex Ferguson has made his hallmark in recent years (Juan Sebastian Veron for £28.1 million anyone?) and it seems that because they haven't been able to get hold of a number of other players this summer, they may as well spend the money now.

Not exactly the most structured approach to investing but then seeing as they're up to their eyeballs in debt, it's not really their dosh.

Allow me an unlikely metaphor, if you will. In the same way you or I would open the fridge and see some limp vegetables or a yoghurt approaching it's expiry date and think: "Hmmm, best eat that now -- don't really want it, but waste not, want not", Fergie sees the start of the season approaching and makes a mad grab for the players who may not be suitable but are at least available.

Actually, I guess you could just chuck the food in the bin and cook something fresh and this is where my metaphor breaks down, but it works for me. Although the equivalent of chucking footballers in a bin is being signed by Newcastle United, of course.

***

Which sort of brings me to long-time Geordie-target Dirk Kuyt. He's escaped the fate of playing at the footballer's graveyard by apparently accepting an offer from Liverpool.

His poor showing with the Dutch side at the World Cup has taken some of the sheen off Kuyt's reputation but as a youngster he was impressive for the unfashionable FC Utrecht (if not prolific) and he really made people sit up and take notice at Feyenoord where he has scored 71 goals in 101 games.

But those performances in Germany have led people to question whether he is a new Mateja Kezman -- capable of scoring for fun in the unrefined atmosphere of the Eredivisie in Holland but found out at a higher level?

Ruud Van Nistelrooy has shown you can actually transfer Dutch league form to the Premiership and Kuyt's game is much more than scoring goals. A more hard-working striker you are unlikely to see and his strength, mobility and nice touch are all plus points. Earlier British press reports linking him to Arsenal as a replacement for Dennis Bergkamp are laughably wide of the mark, however.

It's unlikely that Kuyt will score lots for Liverpool but he'll certainly help that squad get closer to Chelsea than they did last season.

Incidentally, his former Feyenoord strike partner Salomon Kalou is also now plying his trade in England with Chelsea, and I think the Reds have bought the talent in that double-act. Kalou's finishing is too wild and physique to slight for him to be trusted a striker for the Blues and in any case he's likely to be used as a wide man to utilise his pace. It will be interesting to chart the progress of both of these Rotterdam alumni in this season's Premiership.

NB - I've used the modern Dutch spelling of Kuyt's name, although most media reports are using the traditional Kuijt variant. The confusion comes from the fact that the Dutch consider "IJ" as an separate letter of the alphabet and there is obviously no equivalent in English.

Although "Y" is used as a substitute when internationalising Dutch spellings, those crazy Lowlanders consider Y and IJ to be different.

IJes, IJou can find out reallij handij things at Wikipedia can't IJou?

***

Posted by Simon Melville

The third qualifying round of the Champions League got underway on Tuesday night and it's at this stage where the clubs from the bigger nations get involved in the process.

Some of the biggest names in the world game were in action including former winners of the old European cup - including AC Milan, Benfica and Ajax.

Milan's game was against another former winner of the tournament -- Crvena Zvezda Beograd, better known to English speakers as Red Star Belgrade. It was only a fortnight ago that the Rossonieri were given the go-ahead to take part in the competition after appealing their sentence in the Italian match fixing scandal. In the event, the Italians could only win 1-0, with a goal from Pippo Inzaghi on his 33rd birthday.

Benfica left the Ernst Happel stadium in Vienna with a 1-1 draw on Tuesday night against Austria Magna. Nuno Gomes scored Benfica's goal with a cheeky backheel after only 16 minutes but the Eagles of Lisbon squandered a number of other chances and let the Austrians grab an equaliser through Frenchman Jocelyn Blanchard. Austria Magna are better known as Austria Vienna but are renamed for their European campaign after the gaming company owned by their main sponsor, the Canadian businessman Frank Stronach.

For the second season running Ajax have to overcome Danish opponents to get into the group stage of the Champions League. Brondby were beaten last year and it looks like the team from Amsterdam will do a double as they left the Parken stadium in Copenhagen with a 2-1 victory over FC København. The impressive Klaas Jan Huntelaar bagged a brace for Ajax either side of an equaliser by Brede Hangeland. The Danes are six games into thier domestic season and their sharpness showed as they caused the Dutch side many problems but their Swedish striker Marcus Allbäck was thwarted each time by Maarten Stekelenburg in the Ajax goal.

The other game on Tuesday night was in Zagreb where Dinamo played host to Arsenal, bereft of Thierry Henry up front as well as Ashley Cole and Jose Antonio Reyes due to rumoured impending transfers. Even without three key players, the Londoners came away with an excellent 3-0 victory -- Cesc Fabregas getting two of the goals. New signing Tomas Rosicky played well in his competitive debut while the Dinamo rarely threatened and have a mission impossible at the Arsenal's new Emirates stadium in a fortnight.

Proving that Austria Magna do not have the monopoly on ridiculous European football re-brandings, Red Bull Salzburg pulled off a surprise under new coach Giovanni Trappatoni by beating Valencia 1-0 -- lively Czech striker Karel Piták scored the winner with 17 minutes to go. Valencia laboured all evening and even the introduction of talented Spanish World Cup striker David Villa failed to provide the impetus they needed. The Spaniards will need to create more chances for strikers Villa and Fernando Morientes at the Mestalla if they want to progress to the league stage.

The closest tie on paper proved to be very close on the pitch as well where Osasuna drew 0-0 with Hamburg in Germany. The Bundesliga side were attack minded from the start and Dutch schemer Rafael Van Der Vaart heavily involved in all their good attacking play. Osasuna have based their recent success on a sound defence and will be delighted to travel back to their El Sadar stadium with a clean sheet, but if on-loan Real Madrid striker Roberto Soldado had put away two good chances when one-on-one with Hamburg keeper Sascha Kirschstein, the Basques could have had one foot in the league stage already.

More former winners had mixed results on Wednesday - Steaua Bucharest got two away goals in a potentially tricky tie away at Belgians Standard Liege while five-time champions Liverpool laboured to a 2-1 victory over Maccabi Haifa - new Chilean signing Mark Gonzalez grabbing the winner three minutes from time.

Hearts threw away a victory at home against AEK Athens when letting in two late goals at the Murrayfield rugby stadium in Edinburgh. The Jambos took the lead in the 62nd minute through Lithuanian striker Saulius Mikoliunas but had Portuguese midfielder Bruno Aguiar sent off four minutes later for two bookable offences - although the second looked very harsh. The Greeks take a 2-1 victory to Athens in two weeks time thanks to Pantelis Kapetanos in the 89th minuter and then an own goal by former Panathinaikos man Takis Fyssas.

There's still all to play for in the tie between the Czechs Slovan Liberec and Spartak Moscow which ended 0-0, while Spartak's cross town rivals CSKA thrashed Slovakians Ružomberok 3-0 thanks to two goals from Ivica Olic and Brazilian striker Vagner Love.

Ukrainians Shakhtar Donetsk could only beat Legia Warsaw 1-0 through an Elano penalty although the winning margin should have been much greater for the side owned by billionaire Rinat Akhmetov.

The other Ukrainian team in the competition, and Shakhtar's great rivals, Dynamo Kiev beat Turkish team Fenerbahce 3-1. The game was one of the ties of the round with a heavy Brazilian influence for both sides - Diogo Rincon scoring two of Dynamo's goal and Marco Aurélio getting Fener's reply.

Another side from Istanbul had a much better result - Galatasaray effectively ending Mladá Boleslav's interest in this year's competition by beating the Czechs 5-2 with a two-goal haul from Serbian Sasa Ilic.

Italians Chievo surprising lost 2-0 to Levski Sofia and the Bulgarians are on the verge of being the first team from that country to make the Champions League group stage. Although the Flying Donkeys from Verona have only one UEFA Cup campaign to their name and owe their position in the tournament to the expulsion of Fiorentina and Juventus, they were still expected to get at least a draw in Sofia. Goals from Valeri Domovchiyski and Cédric Bardon gives the Bulgarians a vital first leg lead.

Finally, French side Lille beat Rabotnicki of Macedonia 3-0 to look almost certain of playing Champions League football for a second consecutive season. Claude Puel's tough outfit are capable of causing an upset or two in the tournament and should be looked out for in the upcoming months of European club football.

Posted by Simon Melville

Glasgow team Celtic has a terrible pre-season but still managed to kick off their defence of the Scottish Premier League crown by beating Kilmarnock at home 4-1 on Saturday.

Even so, they probably could have done without trekking 6,000 miles to Japan to play a friendly against Yokohama F Marinos on Thursday morning - especially as they lost 3-0.

Quite why they took this trip one week into the season is not clear but I bet it comes back to the point I made in an earlier article - money.

I hope they made a packet because it can't do much for morale or stamina, especially as the first big game of the Scottish season involves them this weekend - they take on Hearts in Edinburgh on Sunday (kick off 2pm BST).

Hearts appear to be the team who can possibly break the big Glasgow duos' grasp on the SPL title. Bankrolled by Russo-Lithuanian tycoon Vladimir Romanov, a whole host of players have been shipped in and a large number of coaches (John Robertson, George Burley, Graham Rix) have come and gone as well. It seems that coach number four, Valdas Ivanauskas will be leaving soon as well, if rumours of a bust-up with the boss, reported in the Scottish tabloids are true. Eduard Malofeev, the current Director of Football at the Edinburgh side, and former coach at Romanov's Lithuanian club FBK Kaunas, could well be in line to take over.

The Jambos, as Hearts are known, beat Dunfermline on Saturday and sealed a place in the final qualifying round of the Champions League by beating Bosnian side Siroki Brijeg 3-0 in aggregate in midweek. They'll make the lucrative league round of that latter competition if they can beat AEK Athens over two legs.

The season is far too young to draw anything conclusive from the result on Sunday but a victory for either side will be hand momentum to the winning team. If both Celtic and Hearts reach the group stage of the Champions League they must be careful to keep focused on the domestic title or Rangers will be handily placed to pip them both.

***

Michael Carrick has finally sealed his transfer to Manchester United - where he's been handed Roy Keane's no. 16 shirt.

Keane's presence hangs over Old Trafford like Banquo's ghost with any central midfielder signed being inevitably compared to the thuggish former Republic of Ireland captain. He was the sort of snarling, never-say-die all-action midfielder that allowed the rest of Manchester United's midfield to go out and do their attacking and has never been replaced since quitting last season, although his powers were waning long before that.

Although Carrick likes to sit in midfield, has a nice range of passing and his impressive performances for Spurs earned him a call-up to England's Germany 2006 squad, he can hardly be described as a Keane clone. Indeed, it would seem that the Gateshead-born player can provide the sort of subtler skills that were sadly lacking in the United's midfield last season, but whether he can also bring the sort of leadership qualities that the Old Trafford side were missing remains to be seen - Carrick doesn't come across as a natural captain and the side still needs direction on the pitch.

If Carrick can succeed then he will truly challenge for a starting place for England, possibly ousting Frank Lampard, if the Chelsea man brings his World Cup form to the Premiership or plays less often due to the presence of Michael Ballack in the Blues squad this season.

***

On paper, Chelsea look set to win their third straight Premiership title with their squad further strengthened with signings of the calibre of World Cup stars Andriy Shevchenko and Michael Ballack, as well as rising talents Salomon Kalou and Jon Obi Mikel (who English fans may finally see playing football this season after a year in limbo caught in a legal dispute between the West Londoners and Manchester United).

But not everything has been going well for the Blues - this week their long-disgruntled French defender William Gallas refused to turn up for training in Los Angeles after requesting longer to recuperate from his exertions for the French national side at the World Cup. He was also not best pleased that his no. 13 squad number had been given to new-arrival Ballack.

Gallas' dispute is not just based on wanting a bit more holiday - Chelsea coach Jose Mourinho has often played Gallas out of position at left back due to both Wayne Bridge and the now-departed Asier Del Horno disappointing there.

The Frenchman wants to play in his preferred centre half position but it is hard to see him filling that role when the left hand side of the Chelsea defence is still unfilled. Rumours linking Brazilian Roberto Carlos to Stamford Bridge have ended with the veteran pledging to see out the last year of his contract with Real Madrid. The transfer window is still open and it would be no surprise to see Roman Abramovich open his cheque book once again.

Apart from the narked Frenchman, Chelsea have also been accused this week by their 'colourful' former-chairman Ken Bates of illegally approaching three promising Leeds United youngsters, where Bates is now head honcho.

Two of the players, Michael Woods and Tom Taiwo, have already moved to Chelsea, while Danny Rose resisted the lure of the bright lights of the capital. These attempts are known as "tapping-up" in the shadowy parlance of football finance and Leeds have now lodged an official complaint with the Football Association.

This is not the first time that Chelsea have been involved in illegal approaches - they were fined £300,000 and given a suspended three-point deduction over an approach to Arsenal's Ashley Cole last year.

Cole received a £100,000 fine and Jose Mourinho, £200,000. At the time of writing, Cole is still at Arsenal despite much media speculation and is therefore the recipient of this year's "tedious will he, won't he transfer award", wrested from the grasp of his erstwhile teammate Patrick Vieira.

Chelsea continue their pre-season warm-ups by taking on an MLS All-Stars side in LA, kick off very early Sunday morning, UK time.

Posted by Simon Melville

Do my eyes deceive me? I think Real Madrid may just have made a sensible transfer deal.

Real's shaky defence has been shored up with the astute signings of World Cup winners Fabio Cannavaro and Emerson. Los Merengues have struggled to stem the flow of goals in recent seasons and recruiting the best centre back at the last World Cup seems a good idea as well as getting hold of a midfielder to provide the sort of bite in front of the back four that they've lacked since Claude Makelele left for Chelsea.

The Madrid side have tried to replace the Frenchman before but neither Uruguayan hatchet man Pablo Garcia nor Danish international Thomas Gravesen have looked comfortable in the Real shirt.

Their recent record of bringing in centre backs is mixed -- Walter Samuel had one miserable season in the Spanish capital before returning to Italy and the jury is still out on the oft-injured Jonathan Woodgate -- with Sergio Ramos being the one success.

Real fans may feel that the rest of the team also needs a revamp with Zinedine Zidane gone and Raul and Ronaldo looking pretty ponderous up front, but having one of the very best managers in Fabio Capello and these new signings should see Los Galacticos seriously challenge for the La Liga title.

Current champions Barcelona have also done some shopping at the discount Turin superstore and are due to snap up Cannavaro and Emerson's teammates Gianluca Zambrotta and Lilian Thuram.

The deal isn't done yet but the further strengthening of the Catalans who were the best team in Spain and Europe last season will be ominous to their rivals hoping to catch up on them this time round.

Barca had minimum cover for their back line so it's another wise transfer investment. Coach Frank Rijkaard's biggest problem will be keeping his side motivated after couple of very successful seasons and the injection of two top quality players will surely help.

Most of Juventus's defence now looks like it will be playing in Spain and with Manchester Utd expressing an interest in Patrick Vieira and Spurs sniffing around Pavel Nedved, more of the Juve starting XI that won and then was stripped of the Scudetto could be heading for pastures new. Expect more sales in the coming weeks.

Posted by Simon Melville

Third-place play-offs must be the least loved and least relevant matches in football (the old Anglo-Italian Cup excepted).

Both sides will be deflated from their failure in the semi-finals and can't really fancy another 90 minutes (or more) in the pursuit of a bronze medal.

There's also the little issue of what I call: THE CURSE OF THE THIRD-PLACE PLAY-OFF WINNERS! MWUH-HUH-HUH-HUH! (Cue thunder and lightning)

There's a strange pattern involving the European winners of this match and their subsequent performance in qualifying for the European Championships -- the next big tournament for them after the World Cup. Let me illustrate:

World Cup Spain 1982 -- third place: Poland --

failed to qualify for Euro Champs in France 1984

World Cup Mexico 1986 -- third place: France --

failed to qualify for Euro Champs in Germany 1988

World Cup Italy 1990 -- third place: Italy --

failed to qualify for Euro Champs in Sweden 1992

World Cup USA 1994 -- third place: Sweden --

failed to qualify for Euro Champs in England 1996

World Cup France 1998 -- third place: Croatia --

failed to qualify for Euro Champs in Belgium/Holland 2000

World Cup Japan/Korea 2002 -- third place: Turkey --

failed to qualify for Euro Champs in Portugal 2004

That really is quite an extraordinary record and one hard to explain. Maybe the side that makes third place in the World Cup lose focus when it comes to the less glamorous task of travelling the length and breadth of the continent to grind out draws in away qualifiers?

Maybe the squad is full of players who have reached their peak and decide to call it a day after the high point of a reasonable successful World Cup?

Possibly it's the sheer number of qualifying matches that need to be played against decent teams, that makes qualifying for World Cup and Euro Champs tough (especially since the independence of former Soviet and Yugoslavian states) -- Euro 2004 winners Greece didn't qualify for Germany 2006; nor did Denmark, Turkey, Ireland, or Russia amongst others.

Even so, Germany have a reasonably easy task to qualify for Switzerland/Austria 2008 -- their main rivals will be Ireland and the Czech Republic for top spot or the second place -- both of which will guarantee a place in Euro 2008 finals as there are no play-offs for the runner-up in the groups this time round.

Portugal have a far tougher proposition having being placed with Belgium, Poland and Serbia in their eight team group.

So who will be the unlucky winner this evening?

Probably Germany, even without Michael Ballack. Thorsten Frings should return from his suspension and permanently scowling Ollie Kahn gets a run-out in goal. More worryingly for German fans is the switch in defence which sees Marcell Jansen and useless new Middlesbrough signing Robert Huth get a chance.

Portugal are not so charitable and the only changes will be in defence where right back Miguel is injured and will be replaced by Paulo Ferreira and Porto's Ricardo Costa will take the place of the suspended Ricardo Carvalho at centre back.

Despite the changes, Germany should be good enough to rap the game up in 90 minutes -- even with the fearsome Luiz Felipe Scolari on the touchline bellowing and waving his arms around, you wonder just how motivated Portugal will be to give it their all.

Having said that, the recent German record against Portugal is not good -- they last beat them in 1996 and last time out they lost 3-0 to a virtual Portugal B team at the Euro Champs in 2000.

But with the backing of the home crowd, Germany should get the result the hosts want and also start to think about their holidays in the summer of 2008.

Posted by Simon Melville

The second semi-final at Germany 2006 between Portugal and France looks like being another tight game.

There may have been a slight over-reaction to France's excellent display against Brazil -- for most of Raymond Domenech's tenure, France have played as they did in the group stages - only a few moments of brilliance and with their key individuals like Thierry Henry and Zinedine Zidane looking pale shadows of the fine footballers we know them to be.

Was that great performance against Brazil a blip or the start of a team clicking? One thing in the favour of France is their excellent record against the Portuguese -- unbeaten since 1975. Portugal have lost to France twice in semi-finals before -- both in the European Championships and on both occasions the French won very late in extra time courtesy of a Michel Platini goal in 119th minute in 1984 and a 117th minute penalty from Zidane in 2000.

That last match ended in an undignified brawl involving a host of Portuguese players and Austrian referee Guenter Benk after he awarded the penalty for a handball by Abel Xavier.

Nuno Gomes was sent off and banned for seven months for flinging his shirt at the hapless official and later said: "I just gave my shirt to him and I said it was a gift for him to take home and remember our country. He didn't want it so I threw it at him but he couldn't catch it. I did it in a kind way." Of course you did, Nuno.

And as we've seen, the 2006 vintage Portuguese side are not much mellower. There will be a few changes to the line-up that beat England -- Petit is suspended and Tiago will probably de dropped so that Deco and Costinha (both back from suspensions gained in that fiery match against Holland) can take their places in midfield. Both Cristiano Ronaldo and Figo trained separately from the rest of the squad and Ronaldo is deemed more likely to play, although it wouldn't be any surprise to see both of them start.

The French have no injury worries and are due to play the same team that beat Brazil -- unchanged for the third time in a row, a unique event for the side under the management of Domenech.

An interesting note is the appointment of Uruguayan referee Jorge Larrionda who dished out three red cards during the 1-1 draw between USA and Italy. The Portuguese in particular will need to watch their behaviour if they are to keep 11 men on the pitch tonight.

The French record will give them hope that they can qualify for the final within 90 minutes -- and if both Ronaldo and Figo are absent for Portugal they may struggle to really challenge the French in the final third of the pitch -- although in Simao Sabrosa they have a fine winger to replace either and the return of Deco gives them a player who can stamp his authority on a game and who can eclipse Zidane in the playmaker stakes if Costinha and Maniche can snap into their tackles.

This could well be another game that goes to extra time -- although France have more quality on paper, the fighting spirit that Scolari has imbued in Portugal can never be ruled out. If France can get an early goal though, the Portuguese may struggle to carve out clear-cut chances.

Posted by Simon Melville

I'm really looking forward to this game, although World Cup semis are usually tense affairs.

Ghastly cliché though it is, this is shaping up to be one of those "immovable object vs unstoppable force" matches -- AND SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE!!!

This one's also turning into a bit of a grudge match due to the normally staid German newspaper Der Spiegel referring to the Italians on their website as: "parasites, Mamma's boys and slimy...lazy and greasy, among other things" (oh, those Germans and their sense of humour).

Although the article was withdrawn, the Italians have reacted indignantly, Fabio Cannavaro saying: "These stereotypes applied to us come from an old culture that has been overly abused."

That's right Fabio, those stereotypes are so outdated as to be ridiculous. Italians are not the hotheaded Latin macho men of popular imagination and Der Spiegel articles.

Cue Gennaro Gattuso: "Either (the author) was beaten up by an Italian as a child or his wife is cheating on him with an Italian staIlion."

D'oh!

Back to the football. Germany will have taken huge self-belief from that penalty victory over Argentina in the quarter finals and will feel they can beat anybody -- although they are not water tight at the back, their midfield keeps creating chances for Lukas Podolski and Miroslav Klose. They will miss anchorman Thorsten Frings but in Sebastian Kehl they have a ready-made replacement and that should be the only change to their starting XI.

Italy have also improved with each game and have enjoyed a favourable draw at the knock-out stages so far. Although they needed a last minute penalty to deal with Australia, they were never seriously troubled by Ukraine in the last round despite a brief flurry of chances for the Ukrainians at the start of the second half. Their only injury concerns are over centre-back Alessandro Nesta (again) who should be replaced by Marco Materazzi (back from suspension). Mauro Camoranesi trained on Monday despite reportedly having a knee injury.

Question marks still remain over Francesco Totti's form and fitness and over Alberto Gilardino and Luca Toni's qualities at international level but those last two proved good enough to cause the German back four problems when they last met in a friendly in Florence in March where the Azzurri routed the Nationalmannschaft 4-1.

That was the first Italy game without Totti after his ankle fracture and Alex Del Piero took his place prompting behind the front line. That was the only major difference for the Italians while the Germans had Robert Huth playing at centre back instead of Christoph Metzelder (he appeared after half time).

So the teams were largely the same but the circumstances now are very much different -- this is a newly confident German side, who also love playing in Dortmund -- of the fourteen matches the national side (including West Germany) has played there, they have never lost and only drawn once.

But the Italians boast an excellent record at the World Cup against Germany -- having never lost in four matches. Recently in friendlies the Italians have held the upper hand but this one is too close to call.

I think the game could well end up a draw at full time and the Italians had better hope that they can force a winner in extra time as the Germans have never lost a penalty shoot-out (in fact only one German has ever NOT scored in these events -- Uli Stielike back in 1982) while Italy have never won one at the World Cup.

Posted by Simon Melville

The quarterfinals of the World Cup are upon us and this is the time of the tournament where England fans see their team crash out and after a bit of mild public violence (even when we win - here's news from my hometown on the South Coast) I can calm down and watch the rest of the competition without threat of hypertension or ulcers and car owners sheepishly put away their "Ingerland" window stickers and multiple flags.

Let's start with the Three Lions - my God, what a bore. Having watched a large number of inconsequential football matches in the lower leagues of England, it pains me to say that the first half of the England-Ecuador match (minus Tenorio hitting the bar) was one of the most tedious 45 minutes I have ever spent. That includes the time I fell asleep on the terraces during Chesterfield v Bournemouth in November 2001. However, I was lying down at that time and was at least sitting in a vaguely attentive fashion for the Ecuador match.

I didn't bother to cheer the England goal scored by David Beckham, because I had just slipped into a coma and also because I wasn't sure it had gone in. Although I am the only Englishman on the planet to think this, I am prepared to say I do not want us to win the World Cup playing the way we have - the competition deserves better.

And talking of better, the first match of the round of 16 between Germany and Sweden was highly entertaining if all one-way. The return of Zlatan Ibrahimovic failed to rouse the Swedes and their plucky keeper Andreas Isaakson kept them in it. Even before Sweden had Teddy Lucic sent off, it was a dominant display by the Germans and by the end of the match Germany had attempted 29 shots on goal to Sweden's four . I'd like to say one thing to the England fans I heard on a radio phone-in who wanted to play Germany instead of Ecuador at the second round stage: YOU BERKS.

The Latinamerican clash between Mexico and Argentina was a belter and sealed with a cracking volley from Maxi Rodriguez. It was a bit of a surprise when Mexico took the lead through Rafael Marquez but Hernan Crespo restored the balance. I watched the game with friends in a pub in Richmond in south west London where an inebriated gentleman wanted to know why he were "supporting Argentina" - presumably because we didn't join in with his witless comments about the Falklands and bellow COME ON MEXICO at five second intervals. I'd like to say one thing to that man: YOU BERK. And yes, I was supporting Argentina.

The game on Sunday night between Portugal and Holland was hilariously entertaining and I was longing to see the game go to extra time for an extra 30 minutes of thrills, spills, diving, pushing, shoving, yellow cards and red faces. But it didn't and as I expected the Portuguese won through 1-0 (I did say so, check last week's article ). None of these sides covered themselves in glory and I got back home late so missed the three minutes of football that broke out at the start of the game. Russian ref Valentin Ivanov has taken most of the flack for the sixteen yellow cards he showed (the four reds followed four double-bookings so can hardly count in my opinion as extra cards). I blame the players (YOU BERKS) for their pathetic and truculent display and even Khalid Boulahrouz's second yellow was worth it - why are his elbows so high into Figo's face?

Monday's first match-up between Italy and Australia was a close call for the Italians - harsh penalty against Lucas Neill but why did he slide in? Francesco Totti slammed home the winning goal from the penalty spot in the 93rd minute and cue crying Australians. Although I was secretly rooting for the Aussies to do well (to strike a blow in a football-hating country) it was also gratifying as an Englishman to see Australian sporting failure (we'd never hear the end of it if England hadn't progressed further than the Aussies). Bitter, me? Yes.

Also, you'd think Socceroos coach Guus Hiddink could have been braver when the Azzurri went down to ten men thanks to the dismissal of the odious Marco Materazzi (YOU BERK) after six minutes of the second half. Still, never mind, the Lucky Country still has the cricket, rugby, swimming, athletics and every other competitive endeavour to look forward to success in.

Switzerland v Ukraine was a pretty unedifying spectacle although it did give us the first penalty shoot-out of the tournament (won by Ukraine). I love a penalty shoot-out, me. To those people who say it is no way to lose a football match and has nothing to do with the game, I say (wait for it): YOU BERKS. At least it's an event that can occur during the normal 90 minutes and it is very dramatic - instant heroes and villains. If the game was decided by an egg and spoon race or dramatic poetry recitals then THAT would be a bad way to end a game.

Most English fans don't like penalties due to the national team's ropey record but I like them and it was the best part of Monday's game (which last week I did say was between two rather defensive teams). Nice cheeky penalty by Ukraine's Belarus-born Artem Milevskiy - he recently played a major role in the Ukraine U21 team that made the European Championships final - watch-out for him because the Dynamo Kiev striker could well be a star.

The final matches on Tuesday disappointed me - one for the performance and the other for the result. The disappointing performance was Brazil's in their lethargic 3-0 win against the Ghanaians. The South Americans were lucky not to be pegged back to 1-1 before Adriano got their second on the stroke of half time. As well as the much-noted lack of firepower in the African side, the defence didn't really help their cause much yesterday either - the offside trap (if that's what it was) that led to Ronaldo's opener was shocking.

Tears in Madrid last night no doubt, and despite putting a modest wager on France to beat Spain (duly accomplished 2-1) the £30 I won has not made me feel much better. Nothing personal against the French, just their football team at the moment is as disappointing as the English while Spain were rather attractive.

Having also had a punt on Spain's David Villa to be top scorer at the World Cup I was delighted to see him open the scoring with a penalty but distraught to see him substituted AGAIN by Luis Aragones (YOU BERK). Taking off Raul as well, to leave Fernando Torres as their only recognised striker with the game poised at 1-1, can hardly be described as a tactical masterstroke. Patrick Vieira popped up to score the winner with only seven minutes left and did anyone really feel the Spaniards could come back from that?

Much has been made of Thierry Henry "diving" to win the free kick that led to the winner and it was a bit of an over-reaction from the surly Arsenal frontman. Thierry (YOU BERK), with your sour outburst after the Champions League final, you are quickly using up all the goodwill you have built up by scoring excellent goals, wearing your socks over your knees and doing those Va-va-voom adverts.

Finally, a mea cupla. At this Permalink (0 Comments)

Posted by Simon Melville

There's nothing better than a good old-fashioned barney between teams to get the blood up, is there? Holland v Germany, USA v Iran, England v Everyone.

And when two players in the same team don't like each other, it's even better. But more of that later.

Trinidad and Tobago's match with England (Thursday, 15 June 2006, KO 17:00 BST) is already spicy due to the Caribbean side's excellent 0-0 result with Sweden. This hasn't stopped the T&T coaching team and some of the players making some unwise comments about England.

Even before the tournament kicked off, veteran Dutch coach Leo Beenhakker had said "All I see with my eyes wide open is a team [England] that doesn't perform when it comes to the World Cup and the European Championships." Although this is perfectly true, it allowed the media in England to depict Beenhakker as saying he was tired of all the hype about the Three Lions.

And he was at it again yesterday: "It's like Real Madrid. You can have all of the stars in the world but if you [England] cannot play as a team then the stars do not matter."

Even Beenhakker's assistant Wim Rijsbergen has decided to have a pop at our Dave: "Beckham is just a commercial player. If you see how he plays in Madrid, he doesn't carry Madrid. He doesn't make a difference." Actually, Beckham's done well at Madrid this season and has been one of the few players to do some running around for his wages.

The bad news for Becks doesn't stop there. T&T player Aurtis Whitley has backed Rijsbergen by saying in The Sun newspaper: "I know I am as good as Beckham, you saw that against Mexico and I will prove it against England."

Which is a big claim seeing as it was Iran who played Mexico and not T&T. Sun mis-print or not, it's likely to rile the England camp and help them squeak to the disappointing 1-0 win we're all expecting.

***

As mentioned earlier, it's particularly gratifying to see two teammates who hate each other.

One notable feature of the current Dutch team has been their harmony, a most un-Dutch characteristic -- normally the squad is divided down the middle due to perceived tactical, personal or even racial slights.

This year, it's all been sweetness and light. Until now. Arsenal's Robin Van Persie (anonymous in their opening 1-0 victory over Serbia & Montenegro) has had a pop at match-winner Arjen Robben: "He needs to take his team-mates into account. Sometimes he makes choices that are good for him, but not the team."

Robin ain't too happy with the rest of the side either: "There is a problem with the balance of the team."

I reckon that can be resolved by simply striking the name Van Persie from the teamsheet. Amazing that an Arsenal player should be striking a sour note after a match hasn't gone well for him, innit?

And speaking of miserable Arsenal players, Freddie Ljungberg has made the news again for having a "short but hot" altercation with Olof Mellberg (phwoar, eh girls?).

These two have what our American friends call "previous". TV cameras captured them having what is known in tabloid parlance as "a training ground bust-up" during the World Cup in 2002. Ljungberg admitted: "I socialise more with other players than I socialise with Mellberg". Which means that apart from grunting swearwords at each other while scrapping, they don't speak at all.

The Swedes have a reputation for stolid predictability which the match against T&T did nothing to dispel, so well done to Olof and Freddie for their continuing two-man campaign to make Sweden more interesting.

LINKS

T&T comments:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/world_cup_2006/5024830.stm

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2002390000-2006270299,00.html

Dutch disharmony:

http://home.skysports.com/worldcup/article.aspx?hlid=394556&CPID=4&clid=366&lid=4163&title=Van+Persie+upset+with+Robben

Freddie v Olof round 2:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/world_cup_2006/teams/sweden/5073242.stm

Posted by Simon Melville

Let's be clear right from the off: none of the above sides are going to win the World Cup, but they may well account for one of the more fancied teams before falling to an established nation themselves. Admittedly, everyone said that about Greece during Euro 2004 and they managed to keep going until the bitterest of ends, but if there is a God, He surely won't allow a repeat.

Sweden have a good qualifying record and have a great strike pairing in Henrik Larsson and Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Super Zlatan is the key to Swedish progress -- it seems you either love him or hate him (I love him) and although he has not had the best of seasons at Juventus, he provides a touch of class in the final third that Sweden otherwise lack. Their last group game against England has 1-1 written all over it.

When Croatia and Serbia & Montenegro were the main providers of players to the Yugoslavia team they were right up there with the Spanish and the Dutch as the traditional Dark Horses (i.e. they had no chance). Since the split, Croatia have been the more successful with a third place at France 1998 while Serbia & Montenegro not making it to any finals until now. Teams from the old Yugoslavia had a reputation for paying pretty but ephemeral football but this is not something that either side can be accused of this year.

Serbia in particular have a robust game, and with only one goal conceded in qualifying they will be very hard to break down. Scoring might be more difficult - the starting partnership should be the towering Nikola Zigic (an inch taller than Peter Crouch) and Mateja Kezman. Despite an awesome number of goals scored for PSV, Kezman struggled at Chelsea and Atletico Madrid although his 7 goals in 16 appearances for the national side have included a couple of vital goals in the qualifiers against Spain and Bosnia. I still think he's rubbish.

The Croatians are also a compact side and describe Dado Prso as their only true star. The pony-tailed striker has never really convinced at the highest level and with nine goals in exchange for his 30 caps he is not deadly. To be fair, his fine recent performances played a big part in Croatia's victorious qualifying campaign although there must be worries over whether he can play three games in such a short period of time -- apparently his knees swell alarmingly after every match. FACT: his first name is actually Miladin.

Other Croatians to watch out for are speedy wing-backs Marko Babic and Dario Srjna, while coach Zlatko Kranjcar has kept faith with his son Niko as playmaker (who is not as good as he or his father thinks he is). They will be confident they will have the measure of Australia and Japan in the race for second place behind Brazil, while the Serbs will find it had to progress from their group with Argentina, the Netherlands and Ivory Coast for company.

Speaking of the Ivory Coast, they are surely the best African side in the tournament this time round, although they must be cursing their luck to be in that highly-competitive Group C. The excellent ASEC Mimosa academy in Abidjan has produced some fine players (Kolo and Yaya Toure, Didier Zokora) and they actually have good back-up for the first Xi - something most mooted World Cup outsiders lack.

If the jury is out on Didier Drogba in the Premiership, then there are no such doubts at international level - the big striker leads the line excellently for his country and he will be partnered by either Aruna Dindane or, more likely, PSV's Arouna Kone.

For my money, Kone is too profligate, so the clever Bonaventure Kalou of Paris St-Germain would be my pick, but I don't actually get to select the team. That job falls to well-travelled Henri Michel - famously described as "un sac à merde" by Eric Cantona. Big Eric also described him as "one of the world's most incompetent coaches". He actually has a decent record in charge of Raja Casablanca and Tunisia as well as coaching the French team to Olympic football gold in 1984.

Luiz Felipe Scolari's Portugal have a favourable draw alongside Iran, Mexico and Angola in Group D. Big Phil should ensure there is no repeat of Portugal's shambolic showing in 2002 and are considered to be shoe-ins for top spot with Mexico tipped to take the second qualifying place. While Portugal are definitely the strongest team, I still fancy Iran for a little upset.

The Mexicans don't convince me in Europe - their best performances have all come when they have hosted the World Cup and their much-touted improved performances in the Confederations Cup last summer came against Argentina and Brazil.

OK, no small achievement that but they still have only ever beaten one European team on European soil. Alright, they only have one European team in their group, which they don't necessarily have to beat to qualify, but I think Iran could be a potential banana skin for both Portugal and the Mexicans.

Defending isn't a strong point for Team Melli (as the Iranians are known) but they play good, neat attacking football. Hossein Kaabi at right back is a flyer in the Roberto Carlos mould while twinkle-toed Ali Karimi has shown he can compete in Europe with some strong performances for Bayern Munich this season. Add in fellow midfielders Ferydoon Zandi, rock-solid Javed Nekounam, winger Mehdi Mahdavikia and Vahid "The Helicopter" Hashemian and you have a side that can take advantage of any complacency as a 2-2 friendly draw in Pula against Croatia showed - the Croatians only forcing a draw with a penalty in the fifth minute of injury time.

Ukraine are not just about Andrei Shevchenko and a tame Group H with only Spain as competition for top spot should prove that. Ably supported by Andriy Voronin, Maxim Kalinichenko and Ruslan Rotan, Ukraine should prove good enough to give someone a scare in the knock out rounds.

With luck Oleh Blokhin's side will express themselves more than they were allowed in qualification -- if not we could have another Greece at Euro 2004 on our hands. He also made the headlines a couple of months ago with some reprehensible comments about African players in the Ukrainian league. Hopefully, it will be his team's football to make the news this summer.

Posted by Simon Melville

France's Djibril Cisse looks certain to miss the World Cup after suffering a suspected broken leg in a friendly against China.

After only 12 minutes of the match at St Etienne on Wednesday night, his ankle buckled and he was stretchered off.

His replacement, David Trezeguet, opened the scoring as France struggled to a 3-1 win with two goals in the last minute.

Cisse's start up front with Thierry Henry was widely taken as a sign that French coach Raymond Domenech would start with the Liverpool striker at the World Cup. Louis Saha was also given a starting berth in a friendly against Denmark last week but now Trezeguet has probably done enough to seal a starting position in the opening game against Switzerland.

If Cisse is ruled out, it's expected that Domenech will call up either Nicolas Anelka or Ludovic Giuly as a replacement, but no definite decision can be made until the French camp gets a full report on Cisse's injury.

The unfortunate Frenchman broke his other leg in October 2004 and it was rumoured that Marseille directors were in Liverpool on Wednesday to discuss a transfer back to Ligue 1 for the former Auxerre player.

***

Spain grabbed a last minute winner against Croatia in Geneva, in both sides' last friendly before the World Cup.

Spain started with Jose Antonio Reyes and Joaquin playing wide in midfield with Raul partnering David Villa up front.

Croatia took the lead when a Niko Kranjcar cross was headed into the back of his own net by a disoriented Pablo.

The Raul-Villa partnership looked disjointed and the Real Madrid captain was replaced at half-time by Fernando Torres.

Debutant left-back Mariano Pernia got the equaliser for the Spanish with a free kick deflecting off Igor Tudor on the end of the Croatian wall. Pernia, an Argentinian by birth, only joined up with the Spanish last week, replacing Chelsea's injured Asier del Horno.

Torres lived up to his reputation of inconsistency by weakly missing a penalty on 75 minutes but made up for it by slaloming past two defenders on the edge of the box and drilling the ball past Stipe Pletikosa in the second minute of injury time.

Spain open their World Cup with a match against Ukraine in Leipzig on June 14, while the Croatians face Brazil in Berlin a day earlier.

***

In the absence of any information on Wayne Rooney's foot, the British media have tried to diagnose the state of the Manchester United boy wonder's metatarsal by looking at the expression on his face.

Early reports from the Daily Mail had Rooney looking gloomy but most reports now take the broad grin on his face as he left the Manchester hospital to be an indication that the news was good.

In the absence of anything official from the English FA, full confirmation is still awaited. Misery Guts Alex Ferguson will probably also have something dour and Scottish to say on the subject.

Wayne Rooney is generally considered to have a potatoey face but I maintain that the food stuff he most reminds me of is a chicken nugget. Take a look at his chunky frame and tell me otherwise. If anything else edible springs to mind when you look at footballers please let me know.

Posted by Simon Melville

Life should be sweet for Owen Hargreaves. He's just won another double with his club side Bayern Munich and is in England's World Cup squad for Germany 2006.

He also goes out with stunna Janelle Khouri. Apparently she also represented Canada's U20 soccer team - so he's got someone to talk shop to at home n'all.

But not all is rosy in the Hargreaves garden. Despite playing for the English national side, Hargreaves was born in Calgary, Canada and his decision to play for the land of his father's birth has seen him branded a traitor back in his homeland.

For even more intemperate talk from angry Canuck soccer fans (yes, there are a few) just type "Hargreaves+Traitor" into Google and you'll get the picture.

His mum is Welsh and the land of song isn't too keen on the 25 year-old either. When he appeared in his customary late substitute role for England in both World Cup qualifiers against Wales, he was roundly booed by fans from the principality, for choosing not to play for their country.

At least the English love him. You'd need a heart of stone not to melt for Owen's tousled-hair charm. And those Welsh and Canadians have been so beastly to him that he fully deserves our support.

Not that he's going to get it. The poor bloke was jeered by the home fans when he arrived as half time sub during England's friendly against Hungary last night. And that set the tone for a pretty weak performance - he was largely responsible for Hungary's goal by failing to close down Pal Dardai quickly enough.

World Cup legend George Cohen thinks he should be dropped from the squad, and bellowing half-wit Ian Wright lambasted his display on the BBC and suggested that Hargreaves' place in the team is down to him knowing something about Sven that we don't. On that basis Ian Wright must clearly know something about the BBC hierarchy to keep getting invited back onto TV.

He still has his supporters though - fellow curly-haired Germany-dweller Tony Woodcock puts up a spirited defence at the BBC Sport website and at least I still love you, Owen.

I think the problem with Hargreaves is confidence. His favoured positions in central midfield or out on the right are the positions that England have the most cover for and he has never had a run in the team as a starter. Indeed, think of Sven Goran Eriksson's much maligned multiple substitutions and Owen Hargreaves is the player that epitomises that tactic - of his 30 England caps, only seven have been as a starter and the last time that happened was an away friendly in Sweden in March 2004.

Being around Bayern for years and knowing he has put in good displays for them gives him the confidence to perform without worrying in the Bundesliga. For England he has no such luxury and the fact he is considered "foreign" and unpopular with both fans and press can't help.

As so often happens to versatile players, his flexibility has also counted against him - his natural athleticism and speed has allowed him to fill in usefully at right back for Bayern (a position he tried unsuccessfully for England B against Belarus) and he is often asked to be the defensive player of the central midfield duo in the Bundesliga.

That doesn't mean he can play as an anchor man to screen the back four - a pretty specialist position that doesn't come naturally to him. At heart, Hargreaves is a Gerrard/Lampard-type who loves to burst forward, use his excellent passing and thump the ball at goal.

But it must also be admitted that his appearances for England have been underwhelming at best. He played with distinction in the one-and-a-bit group games he played in at the last World Cup in 2002 before a toe injury ruled him out of the rest of the tournament but his recent displays in an England shirt have been weak.

Only Owen Hargreaves can persuade England fans to feel like Franz Beckenbauer who once said: "When I see this boy with the ball, my heart leaps", but his chances for England may be limited with Jamie Carragher and Michael Carrick due another run in the England midfield.

Still, looking on the bright side, he has written the cracking Mr Men books.

LINKS:

Janelle Khouri: http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2005-10/11/content_3604772_2.htm

Traitor: http://www.canoe.ca/Slam020528/col_jones-sun.html

Owen's tousled-hair charm in effect: http://www.owenhargreaves.de/index.php

George Cohen comments: http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2002390000-2006250058,00.html

Tony Woodcock: http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/world_cup_2006/teams/england/4753775.stm

Posted by Simon Melville

Neither England nor Sweden will be particularly worried by threat from Paraguay in Group B on the basis of last night's draw in Oslo.

Norway took the lead through Rosenberg striker Frode Johnsen after 22 minutes. Morten Gamst-Pedersen swung a superb free-kick in from the left and Johnsen dived to head home.

Paraguay failed to offer much resistance in the first half and Norway's aggression in midfield and direct balls into the Paraguayan penalty area kept the South American's on the back foot.

In the only other event of note in the first 45 minutes, Lyon striker John Carew was withdrawn for the Norwegians after receiving a kick to the foot. He was replaced by Ole-Martin Årst.

The Paraguayans looked livelier in the second half and got the equaliser only three minutes after the restart. Almost from the same position as the Pedersen's earlier delivery, Delio Toledo's free-kick was headed in by the unmarked veteran centre back Carlos Gamarra.

And just six minutes later, Paraguay took the lead through Nelson Valdez. He latched onto a long ball from deep and struck the ball past Thomas Myhre in goal, as Norwegian defender Brede Hangeland failed to catch the Werder Bremen frontman. Valdez is also in possession of a fabulously bushy head of hair which he has unwisely augmented with cornrows at the side, dyed red, white and blue on the right.

Valdez will bear a lot of the striking burden in Germany for the South Americans if Roque Santa Cruz fails to recover from tendonitis in his right knee. Santa Cruz has been injured for most of the season due to cruciate ligament problems in the same knee but came back for Bayern Munich's last three games of the season.

Norway got their second goal via the same double-act that scored the first. Johnsen heading his second from a Pedersen corner after Paraguay keeper Justo Villar made a mess of the cross. Normally very reliable, the Newell's Old Boy goalie looked uncertain all game under the barrage of high balls delivered by the Norwegians into his area.

The game rather petered out after that strike on the hour and Paraguay's World Cup opponents will take heart from their bloodless performance. The South Americans have two more official friendlies against Denmark on Saturday and Georgia next Wednesday before travelling to the World Cup.

Posted by Simon Melville

Arsenal are at it again. Tediously whining at the ref? No, not that. Arsene Wenger claiming he never saw a controversial incident inches from his nose? Again, no. Having the most irritating fans in London? Probably true, but I wasn't thinking of that especially.

Apparently the Gooners are sniffing about another couple of wunderkinder owned by Barcelona and president Joan Laporta is not happy: "British clubs offer astronomical amounts to juveniles of 14, 15 and 16 years; amounts that, ethically, we cannot match."

More Barca griping here and here.

Arsenal snatched Cesc Fabregas from the Catalans last year and now apparently on the trail of Fran Merida and Assulin Gai.

Here's some video of Fran Merida (apparently)

There's more here

I can't find much info on "Assulin Gai". I think the player being referred to is Gay Assulin (stop sniggering at the back), a young Israeli. Apparently he spent his childhood in Belgium and Holland before turning out for Beitar Nes Tubruk back in Israel. His parents took him to a Barca trial and the rest is history. And internet speculation.

Some advice for Gay: For Lord's sake, keep that "Gai" thing going if you do get to London otherwise you're going to get bullied. And Assulin ain't too clever with that first syllable is it? Best keep shtumm if asked what your name is.

There's some confusion with Fran Merida as it was announced last October that Arsenal had signed him and since then nothing has been heard.

Various internet rumours have swirled around that he left Barca to train with Celta Vigo but it may be more likely that Arsenal want to keep everything quiet as it's a delicate area.

It was also announced at the time that Arsenal had signed young Mexican striker Carlos Vela - but it's also gone quiet on the front, maybe because trans-continental players movements are tightly regulated.

Barca have a point - Man Utd also nabbed Gerard Pique last year and it must be rather galling to lose all those players. Although Barcelona did nick Leo Messi at the age of eleven from his Argentinean club Newell's Old Boys.

And Laporta also is correct in saying that English clubs aren't that interested in developing youth players. Yesterday the European U21 Championship Finals started in Portugal with zero representation from the UK. Yesterday also saw the annual Toulon U20 Festival of Football finish (France beat Holland on penalties) with no British side troubling the tournament.

However, three British sides have started qualifying for Euro U19 Championships. After three games, Northern Ireland and England are propping up Group 6 but Scotland are flying high in Group 5. The Welsh have not bothered in the first place.

I can neither confirm nor deny Arsenal scouts attending those matches. But I bet they aren't. Too busy in Barcelona, probably.

Posted by Simon Melville

Will he stay or will he go? That's the question Arsenal fans are asking themselves about Thierry Henry in the aftermath of Barcelona's victory in Champions League final on Wednesday.

It's also the question everyone else is heartily sick of, as it's an issue that's been floating about since last year.

With one year left on his contract, Arsenal have offered the Frenchman a new four-year deal and if he turns them down, will look to cash in on their star asset in the coming weeks, as opposed to letting him leave for nothing in 12 months.

It's hard to say what Henry will decide to do -- on the face of it, the result of the Champions League final seems irrelevant.

Approaching 29 years of age, Henry has played at Arsenal since 1999 and won all he can in the English game. A victory in Paris may have been the perfect finishing touch to a brilliant career in North London.

The defeat still leaves him with the challenge of winning the competition with the Gunners, but that may be a challenge too far. Apart from that, the media seem to think that playing at Arsenal's shiny new Ashburton Grove stadium will prove incentive enough for him to sign on the dotted line.

You can draw parallels with the Steven Gerrard, will-he-won't-he, push-me-pull-you, Chelsea-or-Liverpool, all-you-can-eat, cheap-at-twice-the-price transfer saga after last year's Champions League final.

It seemed odds-on that Gerrard would join Jose's mob in West London after declaring he felt unwanted at Liverpool, but a last minute change of heart saw Stevie G sign his own four year megabucks contract. Could the same happen with Henry?

Gerrard is a Scouser born and bred, a boyhood Liverpool fan and never expressed any desire to leave the club. But does Henry, despite being one of the most important figures in Arsenal's history and calling London "home" at Football Writers' Association player of the year awards, have the same links to the area or the club?

The latest news is that Henry has given Arsenal fans hope he will still be a Gunner next season by speaking over the intercom of the plane ferrying players and fans of the club back over the Channel: "We must pick ourselves up and make sure we come back stronger next year". Pretty thin stuff, as far as commitments go.

If it was Henry's last match for Arsenal, he gave a true captain's performance of determination, drive and not a little skill - his contribution certainly eclipsed the performance of his much-heralded Barcelona counterpart, Ronaldinho.

Although he didn't score and missed a gilt-edged chance to give Arsenal a 2-0 lead, it was a bravura front-running performance. A shame he spoilt it slightly with some sour post-match comments about the referee's (admittedly) uneven performance.

If Henry does go (and for what it's worth, I reckon he will) he will leave Arsenal and English football the poorer.

Just make your mind up sooner rather than later will you Thierry?

UPDATE: 19 May 2006

Well, I was wrong wasn't I?

Links:

Airplane comments

Match report

Sour grapes

Posted by Simon Melville

Danny Blind's tenure at Ajax has been terminated after 422 days in charge of the most demanding club in Holland. Just minutes after Ajax had won the Dutch Cup on Sunday (in the very last minute of the game), Dutch TV station SBS6 announced that Frank Rijkaard's assistant at Barcelona, Henk ten Cate, would be in charge next season. Despite issuing a denial, the Ajax board brought the curtain down on Blind's stay on Wednesday.

The rumours of Dirk Franciscus 'Danny' Blind's demise had been swirling since Christmas with Ajax struggling in the Eredivisie and producing some of the most inept performances seen at the Amsterdam ArenA. The switch to a 4-4-2 formation may have steadied the ship somewhat with the team sneaking into the Champions League qualifiers (by winning the play-off against Groningen), but it didn't go down too well with the fans who demand free-flowing, attacking football played with wingers.

Even so, some reports have said that the unsavoury rioting that followed the Cup Final in Rotterdam (two stabbings, 25 arrests and counting) was in part to the rumour that Blind was to be sacked. Personally, I'd put it down to beer and idiocy.

And what of ten Cate, if he is to be the new coach? Although born in Amsterdam, he never played for Ajax and spent a largely undistinguished career as a right winger with Go Ahead Eagles and Heracles in the first division and one season with Telstar in the second division. He also played 21 times with the Edmonton Drillers in the NASL.

His coaching career has encompassed his old clubs Go Ahead and Heracles as well as time with Sparta Rotterdam and Vitesse. Two shorts spells outside of Holland in charge of Uerdingen in Germany and MTK in Hungary preceded taking the reigns at NAC Breda for three seasons before Rijkaard took him to be his number two at Barcelona.

Best of luck, Henk, at the club that calls itself the Godenzonen (Sons of Gods). You'll need someone looking down on you, that's for sure.

UPDATE 19/05/06

Ajax appoints Henk ten Cate as coach

Posted by Simon Melville

Something very odd has happened. Apparently I have been labouring under the misapprehension that the UEFA Cup was a dog's dinner of a tournament with countless preliminary rounds, a half-arsed group stage and populated by a load of clubs not good enough to get into the already bloated Champions League (not to mention Intertoto winners).

It seems I was wrong. It's actually a first-class competition that will single-handedly prove that Steve McLaren is a great coach (see http://soccernet.espn.go.com/columns/story?id=367469&root=europe&cc=5739) and takes Boro into the upper echelons of the sport (see any of the countless articles at the BBC's website -- start here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/football/teams/m/middlesbrough/4978578.stm)

Call me a miserable cynic but could this newfound excitement be because an English club has made the final? Admittedly, the fourteenth best English team in the Premiership, but an English team nonetheless.

Their opponents are doing better in La Liga -- fifth place at the moment, and, with two games to play, there's an outside chance that Sevilla can make third place and qualify for the Champions League. Bad news -- those games are against Real Madrid and Barcelona.

Good news -- Real Madrid are misfiring badly and Barca will play the last game without their internationals (just about the Catalan's entire first XI).

Bad news again -- Sevilla's internationals will be missing as well.

Still, it's been a good season for the Andalucians and you have to fancy them to beat Boro on Wednesday. Their squad is full of quality -- English fans will recognise Fredi Kanoute (probably starting on the bench) while Brazilian right back Daniel Alves, Argentinean Javier Saviola and homegrown Jesus Navas will provide attacking spark and verve. Also look out for other youth-team graduates Kepa and Antonio Puerta.

Middlesbrough have their own batch of rather impressive youngsters of course, and nicest-chairman-in-football Steve Gibson couldn't be begrudged a European trophy to show for all the hard work he's put in establishing Boro as a force to be reckoned with.

While it would be foolish to write-off the Teesiders altogether, especially after their sensational comebacks against Basle and Steaua Bucharest earlier in the tournament, I reckon the Sevillistas will edge it.

It's still a crap competition, though. Rumours that the trophy has sprouted big round ears and can be seen welcoming you to Disneyland, however, are unfounded.

Posted by Simon Melville

Sven-Goran Eriksson doesn't know how England will play at the World Cup without Wayne Rooney.

And who can blame him? He's only had two whole years to think of the eventuality of England's most influential player being absent from the tournament through injury (or possibly suspension knowing the young Man Utd striker's temper).

Personally, I think some of the criticism Sven has suffered from the English press has been a bit unfair, especially comments that he doesn't show much emotion. We can leave all that to the fans and pundits.

One thing that he hasn't done is show much willingness to experiment. Alright, we had that 4-3-3 abomination against the Netherlands with Andy Johnson stuck out on the right, as well as Ledley King as an anchorman for the last couple of games.

But apart from this, do we know our first choice replacement for Gary Neville at right back?

Does King keep his place in midfield or does Spurs team-mate Michael Carrick get his chance?

You assume Shaun Wright-Phillips will play right midfield if Beckham can't for any reason, but his lack of playing time for Chelsea makes even this questionable.

The speculation over England's Rooney-less formation is intense with a plethora of options being suggested, largely due to a mistrust of the gangling Peter Crouch starting up front with Michael Owen. 4-1-4-1? 4-4-1-1? Diamond? Three at the back? Who knows? With Sven, you wonder if he even had a Plan A concrete in his mind.

Personally, I'd prefer a diamond, with Joe Cole at the apex -- without Rooney, England desperately lack creativity centrally. A 4-5-1 might suit Sven as he can play Gerrard and Lampard in the middle with extra defensive cover to spare.

Paralysed with indecision over how to replace the burly boy-wonder, maybe Sven will inadvertently stumble on the revolutionary tactic of playing with just ten men.

Go on Sven, I dare you.

Posted by Simon Melville

My article on Wayne Rooney's broken metatarsal spells out why last weekend was so depressing for England fans. If any of them also happen to support Malaga CF, then immediately lock up the sleeping pills and keep all sharp-edged objects out of reach -- because they've had a stinker.

The Anchovies (Los Boquerones), as Malaga are known, lost a thriller 2-3 at home on Sunday to fellow strugglers Racing Santander. Their fate was sealed with ten minutes to go, when Malaga centre-half Fernando Sanz was unfortunately judged to have handled in the area when losing his balance and falling on top of the ball.

Francesc Arnau managed to save Antonito's spot kick, but Racing's Juanjo was on hand to squeeze the ball home and ultimately send Malaga down in 20th (and last place) in the Primera Division.

In Spain, many of the larger clubs will have their reserve sides competing in lower divisions. Malaga are a case in point and their B team ply their unsuccessful trade in the Segunda A Division. Unfortunately, Spanish Federation rules state that reserve sides can't play in the same division as the senior team, so as soon as Malaga's relegation to Segunda A Division for next season was confirmed, Malaga B were also relegated - to the Segunda B Division.

Not that it really mattered as Malaga B were firmly rooted to the bottom of their own league, 14 points from safety. They also managed to lose 3-2 this weekend, to high-flying Gimnastic.

If your team has had a tough season, then keep things in perspective by looking at the unlucky Andalucians -- your side probably isn't the worst in two leagues at the same time.