Support for Blended Families

Posted by
Michelle Carchrae
Jul 2, 2008

Recently, I received a reader's email asking how to improve a relationship with a partner's step-child. Her step-child is behaving in a disrespectful way towards her, and she wants to know how to improve their relationship and help teach this child how to be more respectful. So, I searched for the experts on step and blended families and found The Step and Blended Family Institute. Founders Rick and Yvonne Kelly have 11 years of experience in their own step-family experience, as well as certification as Stepfamily Counselors. Their Institute offer seminars, courses and counseling services.

According to Rick and Yvonne, both children and adults come into relationships looking for respect from the other person, but adults and children understand respect differently. On top of that, children often feel powerless about the decisions that have been made by the adults in their lives and may have suffered losses such as death, divorce or separation before the introduction of a new family member or step-family. Because of this, kids initially have their guard up and may act in a disrespectful way towards their step-parent or step-siblings.

Even if you can understand why a child is acting disrespectfully, many step-parents still want to change their step-child's behavior to be more respectful. The Step and Blended Family Institute recommends that you take your time when trying to change your step-child's behavior, and that you start by acting with the utmost respect towards them. As in the golden rule, do unto them as you would have them do unto you. By teaching by example and making the opportunity to spend quality time together enjoying a mutual hobby or activity, you can build up a healthy relationship over time.

Jun 26, 2009 6:37 AM

Guest :

I have read your article and found it very interesting. I am engaged after dating my boyfriend for over 4 years. He has two daughters age 8 and 10. I have three children, boy 6, girl 10, and boy 14. Every other weekend we spend most of the weekend together. The children are fine together. They laugh, they fight--regular stuff...I know his children like me very much. I tend to them like they are my own, but do not smother them. They are not very outwardly affectionate, but care in their own way. I know the reason for this...they are made to feel guilty if they speak about me to their mother, they are not allowed to bring birthday gifts home that are from me, they are scared to even say hello to me if we meet in the supermarket. When it is time to drop the children off at home-IF i go...they run to the door and yell to the mom "don't come out...don't come out"....it is horrific. I feel terrible for them and have for many years now. However, it is finally affecting ME. I spend the entire weekend tirelessly attending to them, waking up at 2:30 to put on lotion, helping tend to everything as their caretaker along with their dad, and then, quite often we run into eachother and I am "the stranger"...not even a wave. I do as you have said, act with utmost respect, but...it is taking its toll on me and finally my self-esteem.