Rhonda Langefeld's Blog

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

On this site we've looked hard at the craft of marriage--the tools and skills that every marriage needs to grow and become magnificent. Tools like communication, understanding, listening, sexual love, tools that handle conflict, build love, build relationship, and many more.

These tools are for all marriages, and using them well is all in a day's work for a master craftsman.

That's what we all are--marriage craftsman. And that is not just pretty talk or a nice writerly metaphor. This is our calling, this is our craft. And the results of our work are what we present to our own hearts first, then to our families, our community, and our society.

However, we are all working with different materials. Some of us have extrovert spouses, some have introvert spouses. We all have spouses that were either more or less damaged by events that happened in their lives before we met them. And all of our spouses have experienced things we have not. They are people different from ourselves. Here is where the Art of Marriage comes in.

Michelangelo used the same tools as the other artists of his day. He knew his craft. But it was how he used those tools on this particular piece of marble, how he painted on this particular wall surface, how he worked with these particular bricks or stones that made all the difference.

The Art of Marriage is in applying the craft you know to your particular spouse and your particular situation. Michelangelo practiced and worked hard to become the great artist he was. We practice and work in our marriages too.

We use a particular communication tool with our spouse and then decide to use a different one next time, or to use the same one but in a slightly different way. We learn when to use hugs, when to listen, when to act. We adjust, we learn, we grow.

I'll be leaving Suite this week. My writing responsibilities and vision will be taking me elsewhere. But no matter where I go, I, like you, will be an artist and a craftsman working to shape and develop a magnificent marriage with the spouse I have promised to love forever.

I'll be thinking of you. Respecting your craftsmanship. Admiring your art.

God bless.

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

My husband and I have found we need to make special time, appointments even, just to talk. Between his frequent business trips and my writing work our communication opportunities are hard pinched.

Oh, yes, we do what everyone does--use email, cell phone catch-ups, and we talk in the car enroute--but, like fast food, quick communication bites are just for when you need them. They are never meant to be a regular diet. When we allow our lives to get too busy for hours of face-to-face communication, we can be unaware that our marriage is slowly starving.

So, two days ago, Dale and I headed over to our favorite cafe with a copy of A Marriage Communication Checklist (an article on this site) and talked, really talked for two and a half hours. We started by discussing the questions under the "Physical Health" area of life, then just let the conversation follow our own hearts and minds from there.

It was like eating a gourmet meal. Dale and I felt closer to each other than we have in a while. And we made some good decisions about our relationship for the month ahead.

I was reminded of something else as we talked. The habit of conversation increases communication in a marriage just like a frequently worked muscle increases blood flow in a body. When we realize again, that our spouse is a trusted, listening ear, we open our hearts to each other more and more. Instead of tucking away that comment or concern, we decide to share.

Marriage is all about growing in love. The wedding is only the beginning, the promise, the plan to love. The day-to-day love and talk we have with each other is the carrying out of that promise. The working of that plan, day by day, month by month, year by year.

May you enjoy a feast of communication with your spouse soon and regularly. Bon Appetit!

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

I knew it was a tough question to ask, but you all surprised me.

This month the poll question was "Who is responsible for my happiness in marriage?"

The choices were

• I am
• My spouse is
• We both are responsible for different parts of it
• We both are responsible for all parts of it
• Chance and circumstances

As you can tell, three of the choices demonstrate personal responsibility, and two do not.

When marriages fall apart, the blame and "if onlys" fly thick and fast. Reasons are given, reasons that usually disavow any personal responsibility for what happened.

Many voices in our culture tell us that other people are supposed to make us happy, and if we're not, it's their fault. Like college students who fail tests and then blame the teacher instead of their own lack of study and effort.

Well, Suite readers, you have given me hope for marriage in the 21st century. Your votes were overwhelmingly for personal responsibility in marriage. You only differed on the how much and what part of it.

If you haven't voted yet, please do. Or at least check these interesting results. The poll will expire within one week.

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

Dr. Laura Schlessinger's new book, The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage, presents marriage tools that she says will make your marriage thrive no matter where it's been.

Important topics in this book include:

• how to deal with and appreciate the differences between men and women
• how we mess up our own marriages
• the nature of married life
• how to avoid taking each other for granted
• how to communicate, and keep your words from hurting people
• important things to know about sex
• spotting competitiveness in your marriage
• bringing a marriage back from the brink of divorce, and
• giving your spouse the gifts of interest, love, and compassion

Those not familiar with Dr. Laura's style will find her very conversational and sometimes brash. Her advice cuts, painfully at times, through much of the selfishness that is modern society. You may or may not agree with all of her suggestions, but you will have plenty to think about by the time you finish her book.

Held to be the sequel to the best-selling The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands, The Proper Care & Feeding of Marriage was published in New York by HarperCollins (2007).

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

Everyone who has ever desired to communicate better with the opposite sex--in marriage or out--will benefit from Deborah Tannen's classic book You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation.

Tannen, a sociolinguist at Georgetown University, spent countless hours analyzing the dialogue patterns, nonverbals, and underlying meanings in the messages that women and men send in everyday conversation. She uncovered surprising differences between the genders in how they relate to themselves and to each other. Understanding these differences could help many a marriage run smoother.

For example, Tannen discovered that in almost every conversation, a woman's hidden message is, "Do you like me?" whereas a man's hidden message is, "Do you respect me?" Women often follow an overlapping style of conversation. Men would call that "interrupting." Women tend to value connection in conversation. Men tend to value independence.

This book is brilliant, insightful, and well-written. It offers many examples of dialogue that illustrate the frustrations men and women often have with each other. After reading this, you will never hear your spouse the same way again.

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

Lynn Gordon is famous for her idea-filled "books" in the shape of decks of cards. This one is just perfect for Valentine's Day: 52 Romantic Adventures, by Lynn Gordon and Deb Levine.

The types of activities in this deck range from the homebound to the extravagant, but they all hold the possibility of romantic fun for you and your spouse. Some examples:

• take a road trip without a map; get away from the planned
• create a private chat room online for just the two of you, and flirt like crazy with each other
• blindfold your honey and kidnap him or her away to an unusual date
• have a romantic movie marathon night
• spend an afternoon taking black and white pictures of each other to develop into a special photo album
• go down memory lane and visit each other's high schools, sharing teen memories
• take a ride in a hot air balloon

And many, many more.

Also, don't forget to check our discussion "Romance and Fun on a Tight Budget" for a really great idea from one of our readers.

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

Is my marriage supposed to make me happy? Sounds like a silly question, doesn't it? Of course we marry for happiness.

But exactly how happy are we supposed to be, and whose job is it to make sure we're happy? Do I have the right to be happy? Or does happiness just happen?

Those thorny issues are the topic of our next poll--Happiness in Marriage--coming soon. If you are reading this after February 5th, scroll to the bottom of the welcome page and vote on who holds the responsibility for happiness in your marriage.

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

As we finish our series on Traveling Spouses and move into other issues, I want to point out a resource I have mentioned already, but one deserving of more attention. I have never seen a book like it anywhere. The title is On the Road Again: Travel, Love, and Marriage, by William Hendricks and Jim Cote.

Hendricks is the president of a communications consulting firm in Dallas, Texas. Cote is the corporate chaplain of Interstate Batteries, a company with a large sales force on the road. The material in this book was originally commissioned by the chairman of the board of Interstate Batteries to help his sales force maintain good marriages while succeeding in their jobs.

Hendricks and Cote are thorough. First they deal with communication between spouses, both on and off the road. Then they discuss commitment and trust and how to identify and strengthen your marriage's vulnerable spots. They are realistic about the loneliness of travel, and how hard it is to resolve conflict across the miles. A chapter on planning shows how scheduling can protect the love in a family. Finances, parenting, departure, and re-entry--all are discussed in light of traveling stresses. One important chapter shows how to keep sexual intimacy in spite of long absences. And there is even a chapter on how a spiritual foundation can help the traveling marriage, for those so inclined.

This book was published by Revell in 1998 which means readers will note a slight technology lag. But, it's still worth checking out.

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

What is the single-most important thing a spouse on the road can do?

Phone home.

According to Hendricks and Cote, authors of On the Road Again: Travel, Love, and Marriage, those phone calls are all-important.

Phone calls maintain trust and security, help overcome loneliness, provide accountability, and provide a chance to deal with practical matters.

These vital calls "help to remind both partners that the relationship is still intact even though they are separated by hundreds or even thousands of miles."

If you, like E.T., get this while you are on the road, you can do something great for your marriage. Phone home.

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

In 1995 there were 275 million non-military business trips in the U.S. alone. It was then estimated that 1 in 5 U.S. workers traveled on business at least once a year.

The numbers seem to have done nothing but grow since. Add the numbers from Canada, the United Kingdom, and the rest of Europe and North America and you have a lot of travel putting pressure on a lot of marriages.

And for those spouses in the fields of sales, entertainment, sports, the military, international business, and the like, travel is not an occasional task; it is a way of life.

So, does all this job-related travel destroy marriages? No, say William Hendricks and Jim Cote, authors of On the Road Again: Travel, Love, and Marriage. "Travel is rarely the root problem for a marriage or family. Travel merely aggravates whatever problems are already in the home."

In other words, travel puts constant pressure on a marriage like ocean water does on a ship's hull. The water didn't create the holes, but it will definitely find them, and the ship will leak.

An important question to ask then is: What is travel revealing about my marriage? And just as important is: What can we do as a couple to fill the holes and patch the leaks?

For helpful information on the traveling life, see Traveling Spouse.

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

My husband Dale signed up to be a traveling spouse about eight years ago. The job was a good one--one that provided much-needed funds for our children's college expenses. It also gave him the chance for career growth.

But I wasn't thrilled about the loneliness of missing him. I didn't like the long stints of being a solo parent and household manager. Or of showing up to social functions alone again and again and telling new acquaintances, yes, I really am married.

The difficulty of living out the married life at a distance is that the independence you need to develop in order to function well apart, directly challenges the healthy interdependence that defines a good marriage when you are together.

Dale and I adjusted to the changes, made mistakes, adjusted again, hurt each other's feelings, and adjusted some more. We learned a lot of things over the years--one of which is that it takes time to adjust to the traveling marriage. And we learned to be nice to ourselves while we were adjusting.

But we were surprised at how we grew as individuals and how our marriage grew. Though the miles frequently divided us, we came to trust each other's competence more. As trust grew, so did respect for each other. Appreciation increased as well and we were able to drop that deadly "taking each other for granted" feeling that can so easily infest marriages. We like our marriage even better now than we did eight years ago. And we liked it then!

Along the way we learned to make good plans--plans for communicating, for trusting, for handling emergencies, for re-entry, and for romance. These plans, necessary to make a traveling marriage thrive, are the topics of a series of articles beginning today on Traveling Spouses. I'll also be adding a book review or two aimed at encouraging marriages in which one or both partners is on the road.

As you look at the year--and the road--ahead, these tips can help make your marriage road a good one.

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

One of the pleasures of adult life is the ability to take responsibility for our own growth--deciding where to grow in our lives, discovering what we need, and doing what it takes to get going.

I don't do New Year's resolutions for the simple reason that I make and remake goals for myself all year long. January, the beginning of the calendar year, has the same meaning for me as June, the beginning of summer, or July, the beginning of my writing year, or September, the beginning of the school year. All of these are natural times to reflect on two questions. Where am I at now? Where do I want to be?

That's all goals are about anyway--seeing where you want to be and planning simple, but clear steps on how to get there.

Goal-making is fun because it reminds us of all the exciting and interesting possibilities that are part of life.

Goal-making takes practice because it's easy to overplan or underplan our time and energy.

Goal-making shows us how we think. If we value excellence, developing the talents and abilities we have will be on our goal lists.

Along with all this goal-making, love can make some goals too. Ask yourself: How can I be the best husband I can be to my wife? What are three things I can do to move toward that goal? Or: How can I be the best wife I can be to my husband? What are three things I can do to move toward that goal?

Growth is one of the biological proofs that something is alive. Rocks don't grow. Plants do. So do you. So does your marriage. How would you like to grow today?

Do you feel like you are outgrowing your spouse? Read: Growing Faster Than Your Spouse: How much of a problem is this?

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

It looks to be a good year ahead for marriage and marriage growth. This year we will dive into such topics as:

• Traveling Spouses: Keeping the Marriage Together When You Have to Be Apart
• Mentor Marriages: Where Do You Go for a Good Example?
• What Does Unity in Marriage Mean?
• Celebrating Why We Chose to Marry Each Other--Readers Give Their Reasons
• A book review of a popular book for Newlyweds
• How to Protect Your Marriage
• The Common Task of Newlyweds and Empty-Nesters
• The Different Communication Styles of Men and Women
• The One Thing a Psychologist Wishes All His Married Clients Would Do
• How to Resolve Differences of Opinion
• How to Get Your Spouse to Talk to You More
• Timing is Everything--Stopping Conflict Before It Starts
• and much more on love, sex, the daily marriage, growing together, finances, and all your favorite topics.

May your marriage have the best of New Years!

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

According to the votes we had gathered by the night after Christmas, most of you voted to spend your holidays with both sides of your family--the wife's side and the husband's.

The second place choice was a tie between celebrating with the wife's side of the family and just by yourselves.

In third place was one lone vote cast in favor of the husband's side of the family.

And no one voted to spend the holidays just with friends.

Now that the holiday season is almost over, would you change your vote, or stay with your original choice?

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

If you could give your marriage a gift, any gift this holiday season, what would it be?

Time together to play and have fun? Time to sit and talk about important things? Time to remember who you are and why you married each other?

Or...would it be a renewed sense of the value and importance of your marriage? The chance to work together as a team and rediscover each other's strengths?

Or, maybe you need the ability to forgive and start over together.

Maybe through the years selfishness has taken its toll on your marriage. Would you ask for kindness? The desire to give again?

Would you want renewed commitment? Renewed love?

Would you ask for eyes to see all the good in your marriage that you may have forgotten?

What about a fresh wind of joy?

Sometimes the best gifts aren't under the tree.

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

As far as I can tell, the jury is still out on which mother receives the most negative press--the husband's mother or the wife's. But stereotypes are always an insult to real people, people who may be doing their best to work with the relationships they've been given. People who love the spouses that their children have chosen to marry.

On the acknowledgements page of his book Keys to Great Writing, author Stephen Wilbers honors his mother-in-law with these words. "I also want to offer special thanks to my wife's mother Dorothy, whose pride I take pride in..."

There is something in those words that has always moved me.

What if, today, we all chose to honor our mothers-in-law in some way? Whether they are fabulous mothers-in-law, average ones, merely adequate, or if they wouldn't know a good relationship if it hit them over the head. What if we honored them today?

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

Some years ago, a young man burst through the door of his parents' home and announced that he had just met a couple who would be his parents' future best friends. That couple happened to be the parents of his new girlfriend. And the young man was right. Now the parents are all in-laws--and best friends.

Last month in Wichita, Kansas, a groom stood up at his wedding rehearsal dinner and gave an emotional speech. In it, he thanked his bride's parents for their respect and kindness.

Writer Dee Brestin once asked her sister what it was that made her sister's mother-in-law so special. Her sister replied, "I was drawn to her because of the way she loved me....Her actions, her eyes, and her smile told me....If she sensed I was troubled she would say, 'I hope you know how very much I love you.'" (from The Friendships of Women)

My mother-in-law taught me how to make pie and homemade pizza. But all the while, she was careful not to displace me in my own new kitchen. She asked how I wanted things done and where I wanted things stored, even though--since I was new to home management--my methods changed frequently and haphazardly.

These stories illustrate the foundational qualities of good in-law relationships: Respect. Kindness. A readiness for friendship. Open love. Acceptance. Isn't this what we all want? Is this what we are all willing to give?

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

In-law problems give TV screenwriters plenty of material for their nightly sitcoms. But in real life, those problems aren't so funny.

Ideally, extended families give the married couples within them support, camaraderie, a shared history and identity, and a powerful sense of belonging. When these same relationships fracture, they are a source of great pain.

The holiday season pushes in-law relations to the forefront. So this month I will be posting a series of articles dealing with these valuable and somewhat tricky relationships. We've already looked at who carries the responsibility for a good in-law relationship. Later this month we'll discuss:

• why in-law relations are fraught with minefields
• how to learn to enjoy the "alien" in-law family culture (for beginners and those who need a "refresher" course)
• how to improve the in-law relations you have
• what successful in-law relationships teach us, and
• what to do when nothing you do works

I hope the information in these articles will help you and yours have a happier holiday season and better relationships in the New Year.

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

Every so often on this site I'll run an article or blog referring to The Daily Marriage. The Daily Marriage looks at things like eating together, getting the mail, how a married couple spends their Saturdays or Sundays, those seemingly small ordinary things that--gathered together--make up so much of our married lives.

Things like...Tad and Janice's lunch table and their crashing mustard jars.

You see, when Tad and Janice were first married they had trouble keeping their mustard and mayonnaise jars from falling over and spilling their contents on the table. Why?

It all came down to table habits. After using the mustard jar, Tad's family screwed the jar lid back on the top of the jar. When they passed it to each other, they naturally grabbed the secured top and lid of the jar.

However, in Janice's family, people merely rested the lid on the condiment jars as they used them. Consequently, they had developed the habit of grabbing the jar from the side when they passed it to each other.

So...put these two habits together and you know what happened. Janice passed the mustard to Tad who grabbed it by a lid merely resting on the top of the jar. The jar slid out of his grasp and spilled on the table. For a while, Tad and Janice were frustrated with each other--until they started to laugh about it and came up with a new jar habit they could both live with.

Mustard. Sounds silly. But it's part of The Daily Marriage. What's in your Daily Marriage?

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

When it comes to finances and marriage, many disagreements can be traced to these three sources.

1. Different maturity levels. Individuals mature in different parts of their psyche at different rates. If one person lags a great deal behind the other in the responsible handling of money, this can cause problems in their finances and in their relationship.

2. Different values concerning money--beliefs about what is right or wrong to do with money. Like how much debt one should carry, how much to save, how much to give to charity, how much to spend and what it is acceptable to spend it on. It takes work to merge these values into a united couple policy.

3. Unity versus independence spending struggles. Should you tell your spouse before spending $50? How about before $100? Or do you spend the money any way you want to and any time you like? The adult nature of marriage is one of honest sharing--not of hiding expenditures or indulging in childish spending fits.

The good news? All three of these issues can be handled successfully and in a way that doesn't divide the couple. Some tips to help...

A. Be honest about your strengths and weaknesses with money. Commit to growing in maturity when it comes to finances. Divide financial responsibilities according to each other's skills and abilities.

B. Discuss what money beliefs are the most important to you and be willing to compromise on the ones that aren't so important. Find out why certain beliefs are so important to your spouse. Be honest about why beliefs are important to you. Focus and capitalize on the things you agree on.

C. Decide on a dollar amount that you can spend freely without checking in with each other. When it comes to purchasing an item priced above your agreed upon amount, consult each other before spending. Remember--your goal is to work your finances for the good of the two of you, not just for the pleasure of the one of you.

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

We're coming down to the last days of our poll on issues in marriage. Traditionally in marriage discussions, finances, sex, and in-laws present the most difficulties to wedded couples.

In our poll (as of this writing), Finances took the top spot.

Second place was a tie between Something Else and Sex.

In-Laws took third, followed closely by Children.

This poll will be electronically removed on November 25; so if you haven't done so, get your vote in now and be counted. And thanks for your input! It encourages other readers.

COMING SOON: A new poll about an issue that seems lightweight at first glance, but causes yearly stress in many families.

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

Let those who always lov'd, now love the more. Pervigilium Veneris

This was the cream of marriage, this nightly turning out of the day's pocketful of memories, this deft, habitual sharing of two pairs of eyes, two pairs of ears. (from Mrs. Miniver, as quoted by Jan Karon in Light from Heaven)

Marriage should be a duet--when one sings, the other claps. Joe Murray

The novelist never told us that in life, as in other matters, the young are just beginners and that the art of loving matures with age and experience. Isaac Bashevis Singer

The fact of the matter is that holy matrimony...was never intended as a comfort station for lazy people. Mike Mason

Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up. Joseph Barth

Who of us is mature enough for offspring before the offspring themselves arrive? The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults. Peter De Vries

People don't judge a man by his wife as much as by the way he treats his wife. Sydney J. Harris

People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. Ken Kesey

How fresh our love was in the beginning; The summer how it ripened in the ear; And autumn, what our golden harvests were. John Donne

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

she and her husband had never had money struggles. They had always had plenty of money and never had to pinch pennies or deny themselves.

Then she paused in her filing and said something like this. "I look at the closeness in other couples. The ones who have struggled through times of little money together. And I envy them. They have a closeness that my husband and I don't have. Maybe if we would have had the chance to struggle together, we would be closer than we are now."

At that time, my husband and I were the king and queen of money struggles. He worked long hours and went to night class to increase his job opportunities for the future. I stayed at home with our three little daughters, did my best to keep the household budget lean (often making mistakes) and taught piano lessons for extra income. Going to McDonald's and ordering five or six plain hamburgers and splitting tiny bags of french fries was a REALLY BIG DEAL.

Now, years later, two of our daughters are already through college without debt and the youngest is in her third year. Was it a tough road? Yes. Was it a bad road? No.

Yet, tight times don't automatically bring about the closeness my nail-filing friend envied. Money issues can just as easily divide a couple as unite them.

Perhaps the effect money struggles have on a marriage depends less on the financial circumstances themselves than on the internal circumstances of the couple.

What qualities do the successful couples have, or have worked hard to develop? For my part, I think they must have put their relationship as top priority, must be good talkers and good friends, and must be willing to grow.

What would you add to the list? What qualities make the difference in a couple facing a financial storm?

For more on money and marriage, see: A Great Plan to Get Out of Debt, Keeping Away from Debt's Door, and Romance and Fun on a Tight Budget.

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

Lynn Gordon tackled the heaviness of sad moods when she wrote the book--or rather, the deck of cards--entitled 52 Silly Things to Do When You Are Blue. Her ideas can benefit individuals and couples both.

For example: Gordon suggests making a Fun-o-dex--a stack of three-by-five-inch cards that list friends, movies, recipes, places, activities--everything you love to do. Why not do this as a couple and fill it with things that you enjoy doing together? The address, phone number, and hours of great coffee shops. Your favorite board game. Your favorite hiking trail. The best place to play tennis. The friends you enjoy most as a couple. Scenic drives close to your home.

Then when you are tired or cranky and can't think of what to do this weekend, pick up your Fun-o-dex and plan. Making the Fun-o-dex could give you and your spouse some happy hours together. (I think my husband and I will start on ours as soon as he comes home from work.)

Gordon's other 51 suggestions may end up on your Fun-o-dex as well. Some of her other mood-breakers? Rearrange your furniture. Buy new socks and underwear. Take a bubble bath. Read nursery rhymes in a foreign accent. Host a costume dinner. You know, just reading through these cards lifts my spirits.

For more, read the article Moods in Marriage.

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

Understanding these terms can make a huge difference in our marriages.

According to Aleinikov, creative communication "creates positive feelings, ...understanding...rapport, ...and...the desire to communicate further." All characteristics of a good marriage.

On the other hand, destructive communication "destroys positive feelings and eliminates any desire to communicate further." Signs of a marriage in trouble.

Does your wife go suddenly silent when the two of you are conversing? Has your husband stopped sharing his thoughts with you like he used to? Perhaps the way you communicate is shutting the doors on growth in your marriage.

Just yesterday I made the mistake of telling someone "you already told me this," instead of listening to their story again for added information--and for the feelings that lay beneath their words. Sadly, my words ended the conversation.

Aleinikov says that openness and focused listening are key parts of creative communication. A closed mind and heart--and negative answers ("that's really stupid!")--stop conversation cold.

Practice focusing on your spouse when he or she is talking. Turn off the TV, computer, iPod, or anything else interfering with communication. The great things about these technologies is, they can wait! And you don't want to miss what is going on with the real-live human you are married to.

Artists create. Clods destroy. As marriage artists, our attention, interest, and nonjudgmental attitudes will communicate love to our spouses.

For more strategies that create communication, check out Aleinikov's book.

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

In her radio spot this morning, "A Minute with The New York Times," health columnist Jane Brody reported the results of an eight-year study on the impact of marriage on physical health.

According to this study, which lasted from 1989 to 1997, married people have a much greater life expectancy than single, divorced, or separated people. The conclusion: not only is a good marriage essential for your mental and emotional health, as we've already known, it's good for your physical health as well.

I spend time walking on the track. I lift weights at the gym twice a week. I take vitamins (when I remember). I'm trying to eat more foods rich in whole grains--whole wheat pasta, brown rice, oats. I have two bushels of fresh-picked apples in my kitchen and I'm eating one or two apples a day. I'm also trying to make sure my body gets enough sleep.

But at the top of this "health" list, I can put the time I spend talking and doing things with my husband Dale. All the things we do to build our marriage relationship not only make natural life longer (according to The New York Times), but as every happily married couple knows, those things make life better as well.

Good health to you.

Posted by Rhonda Langefeld

Two great books are making the rounds in my circles. For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, by Shaunti Feldhahn. And...For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women, by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn.

What I like about these books, beyond their extremely helpful and thoroughly researched information, is how positive and encouraging they are about the differences between the genders. There's a lot of respect and appreciation for both men and women in these pages. And, in describing male/female differences, the authors don't assume all women are the same or all men are the same, either.

What we have in these small, highly readable volumes is the opportunity for hours and hours of great discussions with our spouses--over coffee, over lunch, or on a special overnight getaway. Reading just one chapter together in either book gives one spouse the chance to ask the other, do you agree with what the author just said? How much are you like that? How are you not like that? There's nothing like gaining a deeper understanding of your spouse for building love between the two of you.