Sibling Rivalry Among Tweens

Posted by Denise Oliveri Sep 16, 2009

I have three boys, two of which are in the tween age group. Each of the tween boys gets along fairly well with their older brother, but seem to have a problem getting along with each other. It's not a constant thing to the point where they never get along, but there is usually at least one or two battles per day.

The sad truth is that there is no concrete way to put an end to the confrontations altogether, no matter how many books and Internet sites you read on the subject. However, once you know why the arguments begin, you can take measures to help out the situation.

Scene #1 - The Middle Child Syndrome

The middle child is in a predicament. He is being bossed by his older brother, and feels that this gives him the right to boss his younger brother. The younger brother doesn't like being bossed around (especially by two older brothers), and the retaliation begins because the younger brother feels as though he can take on the middle child (but definitely not the older brother).

Try to alleviate this situation by explaining to your middle child that no one likes being bossed around, no matter who is older. Each person in the family deserves respect, and the only way this will happen is if everyone is willing to show respect to each other. Also, talk to the older sibling about taking it easy on his younger brothers, and try to be a good example.

The most important thing you can do as a parent is to make sure you are not showing favoritism among your children, such as treating the youngest like a baby, giving the oldest more freedom than can be handled for his age, and carving out alone time with each child so everyone gets equal attention.

Scene #2 - The Younger Child Wanting to Be Older

Another thing that causes sibling rivalry in my house is the youngest son acting like he is older than he is to try and keep pace with his older brothers. He will often try to act cool, and his brothers start to make fun of him for it. Once that ego is crushed, a fight breaks out every time.

Take control of this situation by asking the older brothers to carve out time for their younger brother, and do things that make him feel good (like going on a walk through the neighborhood, building a model together, etc.). You can explain to the younger child that his time is coming when he gets to have more freedom, but that doesn't always make him feel better. His brothers spending quality time with him works much better.

Of course, there are other scenarios that start arguments. These just happen to be the top two in my household. Talk to your friends about how they handle the rivalry, and also consider asking your family physician about it, too.

By and large, I know that my three boys love each other, and do care about each other. I cherish the times they get along really well. And, I just take the sibling rivalry into stride, and keep in mind that one day they will be best friends, just like me and my sister now.