Grammar at Work

Posted by Melissa Dylan Jan 23, 2007

I’ve made up a new word.

Apostrophobic (noun): Fear of using apostrophes, due to uncertainty of proper use. Often results in omission of apostrophes altogether. Occasionally manifests in sloppy, mad-dash apostrophes in the middle of nowhere that could apply to any portion of the word, as necessary.

One of my co-workers is apostrophobic. Anything he gives me to type is completely devoid of apostrophes, yet contains all other forms of punctuation.

There is bad grammar all over my workplace. A sign in the cafeteria reads: “Please Do Not Abuse All Paper Products.” How sweet of them to allow us the abuse of at least some.

I also had a client hand me something to type that was fraught with misused words—particularly the glaring use of “effect” instead of “affect.” (Hint: one is a noun, one is a verb.) Since he’s a client, I hesitated to correct his grammar for fear of belittling his ego. On the other hand, this was a government document and it would ultimately be my fault if it were sent out with errors. I opted to fix the mistakes and not point them out. As it turned out, the client signed the document without even bothering to proofread my typing, meaning I could have hidden the words “I am batman” in the middle somewhere, with him none the wiser. (And who knows—maybe I did?)

Once upon a time I suggested that a boss route all outgoing mail through me after he sent a department-wide memo that declared “Suzie will lick off the meeting.” I’m certain Suzie’s licking abilities are splendid and all, but a meeting really isn’t appropriate for that sort of thing.

Carry on.