Melissa Chapman's Blog
Posted by Melissa Chapman
After writing a three part series on how stay-at-home parents and parents in general can help their kids overcome the challenges and obstacles they face as they enter first, sixth and ninth grades, I feel like I need to go even deeper.
I'd like to explore the fact that I, a stay-at-home Mom of a five year old who is beginning Kindergarten this year, as ashamed as I am to admit this, I am really going to miss her during the day.
Is that crazy? Does that make me too overprotective of a parent? Does that mean that I don't have enough going on in my own life, and that I am focusing too much on my daughter, and that all this attention will actually be detrimental to her?
I'm just playing devil's advocate putting all these "Questions" out there.
I guess what I'm really trying to get at is the fact that, at least in my case, I have spent the better part of my daughter's life trying to protect her and anticipate anything that might be unsafe, or unsavory to her and I think I've been pretty successful at keeping her happy-go-lucky, without her knowledge that I am always behind the scenes monitoring things.
Yet now, I feel like when I send her to school in the morning, a place that she will stay from 9am to 3:30 pm; well, that's a really large chunk of time during which I don't really know exactly what is going over the course of her day, but more importantly how the events which she's experiencing, are affecting her and how she is, really, emotionally processing all these feelings, and thoughts, (try asking a five -year-old pointed questions, and you'll see it 's not that easy to get answers; it's almost as difficult as being a dentist who has to pull out a five-year-old's decaying tooth, almost impossible without the aid of major anesthetic and the promise of a shopping spree at the nearest toy store!!!!)
I have so many questions...Is she getting along with the other kids? Are her teachers treating her fairly? Did someone tease her? Did she eat all of her lunch? Did she go to the bathroom when she needed to? Does she feel like she belongs?.....
When I read back what I have written I sound like some maniacal -micromanaging, and controlling MOM, who if I keep up this level of intense scrutiny and hovering in my daughter's life, by the time she's ten-years-old, she'll probably want to run as far away from me as possible.
So how can I deal with this separation anxiety that I'm feeling right now? How can I get the answers to all these questions that I have without grilling her to death when she gets home from school? How will I really know if she TRULY feels good about herself and feels happy and content?
Stay tuned for my next article....aptly titled, "How parents can deal with their separation anxiety when their children go off to school full-time....
It's supposed to be that only the children feel this type of separation anxiety when they have to leave their parents, but I really think that a lot of parents feel the separation anxiety themselves.
Maybe stay-at home parents are a little more prone to feeling this way, being that we've spent the past four years taking care, playing with, reading to, going on play dates and Mommy and me classes with our kids. And now for the first time in their lives, our kids are going to be going somewhere on their own, a place where we can't go with them, and observe them, help them socialize and learn the basics of education.
I don't know about anyone else, but I'm having a bit of a hard time dealing with this.....more to come.....
Posted by Melissa Chapman
This is what Mom Martyne had to say:
You will cry! Give yourself the time to actually sit down and let the tears flow. First grade was even harder than kindergarten but I promise you that as a mommy of a boy starting 5th grade in 2 weeks, it NEVER gets easier.
You love them and then you have to let them grow and hope that they come home at the end of the day with lots of good stuff to share.
Posted by Melissa Chapman
Stay-at-Home Parents, We Need Your Opinions
Unfortunately, I've been offline for almost two weeks, due to some technical difficulties on the site, but with the help of my editor, I'm back and really eager to start the year off on the right foot.
During my brief hiatus, I've been thinking about being a stay-at-home parent and what it means to me; getting the opportunity to see my kids grow and flourish literally right before my eyes on a real-time basis, and of course all the not-so-exciting daily duties of meal preparation, cleaning, chauffeuring, etc..
What I really need now is to get your feedback and to find out what topics interest you, as stay-at-home Parents, both Moms and Dads, and as individual adults. I want to hear what you have to say, and let your ideas and opinions help to shape this website and truly help it to become a resource that all of us stay-at-home Moms and Dads can look to when we need some advice, or a little funny pick-me-up or just as a place to vent!
I want you to share your stories of triumph, challenge and the struggles you've endured as a stay-at-home parent. We're all in this together!!!
Here are some of the ideas I've been mulling over which will hopefully be popping up on the site in the weeks to come.
1) Getting what you need from your spouse. If you're a stay-at-home parent, and your spouse is the one who is financially responsible for supporting your family, it can create an unequal balance in the way you both share the responsibilities of running your household. More to come....
2) Fun and creative things to do with your toddlers to keep them busy and happy, and keep you sane during the day. More to come...
3) Younger vs. Older Moms. What side of the debate are you on?
4) Moms and Dads have different parenting styles, so how can you and your spouse find a way to combine your two styles so that you give your kids consistent rules to follow.
5) Ways to help your children deal with the age-old child dilemmas of; wanting to be popular, bullies, weight management issues and much more.
I can't wait to share all these new topics with you and draw inspiration from all the advice and opinions you with share with me and all the other stay-at-home parents who check into our community here.
Start a discussion or e-mail me at stayathomeparents@suite101.com
Posted by Melissa Chapman
I've always had a love-hate relationship with the end of summer, particularly the last week of August. While it's the week of my birthday, it is also the last official week of summer which always meant one thing to me throughout my entire childhood, "the beginning of a brand new school year." Eew!!
Now that I'm a Mom, the tables are turned and while I watch as my daughter sadly ushers out the summer season she is still at a young enough age, where she is actually looking forward to the new school year. The changes and newness, that await her five-year-old way of interpreting and understanding the world, are merely unknowns that are not anxiety ridden, rather for her the prospect of a new school year fills her with positive expectations and pure and unadulterated excitement. I almost wish I could bottle up her energy and give it to every new student starting a brand new school year.
I think incoming sixth graders could definitely use a little bit of her enthusiasm and excitement about the unknown rather than feeling anxious about the school year that lies ahead of them. Maybe as parents, it is our job to try and help our kids maintain their excitement about school at every grade. The question is- How?! Well I've tried to point out some advice for parents of sixth graders in my latest article, so please check it out and let me know what you think. I really love hearing from all of you. As I muddle through these next years of parenting with my daughter, I hope you will all join me, and maybe we can come up with a way to let some of our children's excitement stay deep within them and rub off on us too!
Posted by Melissa Chapman
It's that time of year again, when us stay-at-home Moms must relinquish the sweet serenity of summertime. Allowing our kids to sleep in late, watch a little too much television and play outside past 8pm will be replaced with enforcing strict bedtimes, in some cases literally dragging our kids out of their beds in the morning, packing school lunches, picking out outfits and getting everyone out the door by 7:30 am each morning.
Going back-to-school, especially during the first month of September can be challenging for us stay-at-home Moms and our kids as we all try to acclimate ourselves to our new schedules. The new school year can also be stressful for our kids, especially those who are entering milestone grades like the first, sixth and eighth grades. All three of these grades represent major developmental changes for our kids including.
As part of our Back-to-school series of articles, we will help stay-at-home parents and their kids navigate through these three stages of their education, with some valuable tips and advice. Please check out this series and post your feedback. As stay-at-home parents we can always benefit from fresh perspectives on our relationships with our kids and how we can help them make the best possible adjustments to their new school, and all the challenges that go along with it.
Posted by Melissa Chapman
The results of our poll, "As a stay at home Mom, what do you find to be the most boring part of your daily routine?" are in. What they reflectis that, from time-to-time, even us Moms who try our best to enjoy and be present in every moment spent with our children, yes, even we get bored by of some of the activities that our roles as stay-at-home Moms require us to do.
Here are the results:
Having to watch and/or listen to a Barney video: 21.43%
Cleaning the dishes, the clothes and taking out the garbage:
35.71%
And the activity that can make some of us stay-at-home Moms, wish at times that the book our kids' want us to read over and over again would magically disappear never to found or read again, garnered the most votes.
Reading the same story for the 10th consecutive time: 42.86%
Posted by Melissa Chapman
I am certainly guilty of feeling bored, at times, not all the time, but some of the time with some of the monotonous tasks that go along with taking care of my kids, as a stay-at-home Mom, who is on call 24/7. I admit that I especially have problems reading the same book over and over again. I posted this question- the one that appears in this blog's description- and I got a great response from Jodee Redmond. Her response put a new perspective on the face of "Mommy Boredom." Her advice made me realize that I can find a way to make what once felt like a boring chore, become something that is a new experience for my daughter and myself. In my case, when she wants me to read her the same book, that I have just read eleven times, I can find new ways to do so, that will not only be enriching for her, but for myself as well.
Here's some great advice from Jodee Redmond:
What's wrong with being bored sometimes? When I worked outside the home, I was bored with my job from time to time. It happens. Have we as people, not just mothers, become so spoiled that we think we will never be bored?
Let's learn from our kids - they have the wonderful ability to find something new in just about anything.
What I try to remember when I have received a request to read "Franklin's Hallowe'en" for the millionth time is that even though I can almost recite the book by heart, my little one can't. So I try to find something interesting about the task at hand - use different voices for the characters or ask my daughter to guess which character is wearing which costume, or ask her to find something specific on the page.
My advice would be try to find *something* interesting about your "work" or just learn to ride out those times that you are bored. If you find that it is an extended period of time and you still have no interest in your *work* or you have nothing to look forward to, that might be the sign of another problem-depression.
Posted by Melissa Chapman
The Andrea Yates tragedy, has forced me to look inside myself, and ask myself some serious questions.
What do I do to nurture my own inner life? And what do I do to keep from taking on too much? The truth that I found was a little disturbing and unsettling. I realized that I have really done very little to nurture and care for my own individual needs. But like most of the Moms who responded to my poll, I too, "don't even attempt to be a perfect Mom, I just do my best." While that is a good motto to live by, it still doesn't provide me with any concrete ways to nurture my inner life. The one thing that I do rely on, the one constant in my daily life that has kept me going for these past five years, are the daily conversations with my best friend, my sister. She has been my sounding board, my place to vent and express my anxiety, fears, anger as well as my source of inspiration and encouragement. I honestly don't know how I could've made it through my life, this far without her support and our daily, often three or four times-a-day conversations. Her friendship has sustained me and nourished me through periods of my life when I felt hopeless and sad. Whatever my reasons for feeling sad or angry were, she found a way, through our daily conversations, all of which took place over the phone, to lift me up and reassure me that I was going to be okay. That everything would eventually turn out for the best.
That's why I'm really surprised that none of the Moms who responded to this poll feel that they have a best friend like that, one who really helps them, keep track of what's important in their lives like their goals, their dreams and their hopes. The power of friendship in terms of helping to nourish and nurture your inner life as Mom is incredibly undervalued and underrated. In my case, yoga, manicures, books, or pedicures- okay well maybe not pedicures which are so deliciously self-indulgent- nothing has nurtured me the way my friendship has.
In my next article, as part of my series on Making over stay-at-home Moms lives, I'm going to focus on how we stay-at-home Moms can make new friends- YES!!!!, even at this stage of our lives, or reconnect with old ones, to keep our lives rich in love and relationships, separate from the relationships we share with our children and spouses.
Now, onto the results:
11.11% voted that, "I see a therapist, take anti-depressants, and am not ashamed.
You go girls!!!!! More power to you!!!!!!
66.67% of you voted, "I don't even attempt to be the "perfect" Mom, I just do my best.
And 22.2% voted, "All of the above!"
This included two additional categories that didn't get any individual votes:
"I rely on my daily conversations with my best friend."
And, "I've learned to say, "No I can't do it," and be okay."
Posted by Melissa Chapman
I've gotten some pretty interesting responses to my last article, which focused on the importance of Moms nurturing their inner lives, by not taking on more responsibilities and tasks than they can handle for starters.
I made a reference to Andrea Yates being that she's recently been in the news, having had her guilty verdict overturned to NOT guilty. I tried to point out the fact that by home schooling all five of her children she was clearly taking on more responsibility than humanly possible, and with her history of post-partum psychosis and mental illness, she really never should've put herself in a position where she would likely crack under the extreme pressure and in her case drown all five of her young children.
I am in no way agreeing or validating what she did as acceptable behavior. What I was trying to point out is, that- as a stay-at-home Mom, like most of us stay-at-home Moms she was clearly trying to do EVERYTHING. For a stay-at-home Mom who doesn't suffer from mental illness, doing IT ALL is an insurmountable task, which if attempted will only lead to failure and ultimate guilt. The stay-at-home Mom will feel because she cannot do it all that must mean she is a bad mother. If she's home all the time, how could she not do it all?! Right? Well Andrea Yates had to deal with the regular problems of being a stay-at-home Mom trying to do it all and on top of it with an extremely debilitating mental illness.
While her end result was her tragic decision to drown her five children, under the influence of her unrelenting mental illness, for most of us stay-at-home Moms who are attempting to do it all, including those who home school as well, I'm saying it is really a self- defeating goal. There is no way to do it all, unless you have a full-time housekeeper. Someone who can keep everything in the background running smoothly, have the meals prepared, cleaned up, the laundry washed, dried, folded and put away and all the rugs vacuumed and the toilets sparkling clean. WOW, as I'm writing this, I am actually starting to yearn for such a housekeeper, who by doing all the "busy housework" would free me up as a stay-at-home Mom- to really listen to my kids and answers their 1,001 daily questions, read books to them, eat leisurely dinners with them, and actually sit with them at dinner. Gosh there are so many ways I'd be able to improve my role as stay-at-home Mom and really revel in my kids and their lives.
But like 99 percemt of us stay-at-home Moms I don't have a housekeeper and all that busy work falls on me, as well as my daughter's insistence and impatience with me when she asks all these questions and doesn't get her answers as speedily as she'd like to. But I'm like every other stay-at-home Mom, and after five years of being home with my kids, I'm just now starting to try and listen to my inner voice and nurture my inner life.
Of course I feel completely selfish when I sit at the table in the morning and drink my coffee, while my kids are tugging at my legs or running wildly around the living room. But every day that I give myself those twenty minutes in the morning to watch one of the morning shows I'm nurturing myself, by doing something that's just for me. It might sound really simple and not as nurturing as taking a yoga class or curling up with a great book for a few hours, but I'm working on getting there.
Posted by Melissa Chapman
The results from our poll, which (of these sentences) would "best describe a HOT stay-at-home Mama, are in!
12.50% voted for "A Mom who is confident with her curves and shows them off."
12.50% voted for "A Mom who wears a pair of high heels more often than sneakers."
37.50% voted for "A Mom who is not afraid of wearing tailored, funky styles."
37.50% voted for "A Mom who is comfortable in her own skin and great to be around."
So what do these results say about what we stay-at-home Moms think make us sexy? I guess it's a combination of allowing ourselves to take chances with our clothing, and wearing styles that are flattering, and highlight our best physical attributes.
The poll results also reveal that, for many of us, being a Hot Mama is a lot about our state of mind. When we feel good about ourselves, both physically, and mentally, we are not only sexy to ourselves but sexy to those who we love in our lives. Now that we've talked about making over our outer appearances it's time to work on our inner selves. And find ways to feel good about who we are as women, mothers, wives, employees, and all the other roles we assume in our lives.
Posted by Melissa Chapman
I am really excited about this next part of the series, because I think it's an issue that all of us SAHM's can use some help with.
As a stay-at-home Mom myself, I know that I put a lot of pressure on myself to try and be as close to the "perfect" Mom as I can be. Of course it's an impossible standard for anyone to reach, but I guess I feel that, since I'm "home all day with my kids," and that is "supposed" to be the focus of my life, I would even be so bold as to call it my career, therefore I should have kids who are the picture of perfection. Right?!
What I'm trying to convey with all my "perfection talk" and my liberal use of "quotation marks" is that I think that built into the role of being a stay-at-home Mom, I (having bought into society's expectations of how I'm suppoosed to act and the types of kids I'm supposed to raise as a SAHM) believe my kids should be well-behaved, eat with gusto, their entire plates laden with fresh veggies and fruit and of course listen intently and follow all of our family's ground rules. And most importantly when we are together in public, there should never be any outburst of any kind from either one of them.
As I write this down I realize how utterly insane these self-imposed standards of mine are, which I'm sure, much to my dismay, many other stay-at-home Moms share with me. I guess my line of thinking is that, if I am the parent who is at home with my children most of the time, as opposed to a Mom/parent who works outside of the home (like my husband who sees them at breakfast, and before they go to bed) everything about their personalities is a direct reflection of how good a job of mothering I'm doing. If they act like wild, bratty kids at times, then I really do feel that I'm at fault, since I'm a stay-at-home Mom and all of my time, energy and my very person is supposed to be poured into shaping these kids.
But the truth is, us stay-at-home Moms- MYSELF included- need to give ourselves a little breathing room. Despite the fact that we might be home with our children, more than a parent who works outside the home, it doesn't mean that our kids need to be perfect. It is impossible for anyone to be perfect at anything- especially when it involves dealing with other human beings- who can be a lot less predictable and a lot harder to discipline than, it might be to work at an office with other like-minded adults. Us stay-at-home Moms need to realize that it's okay- and actually better for us and our kids to let ourselves not be perfect, in fact to learn how to live with our lives little imperfections.
And that's why I'm proposing in my next article that we stay-at-home Moms need to redefine our relationships with our kids. In doing so, we will let ourselves off the hook, and our kids will be grateful that they're being given room to just be kids and that their best is good enough. In fact, their best is "PERFECT."
Posted by Melissa Chapman
Being a stay-at-home Mom for the past five years, I have to admit that I too have fallen prey to losing my desire to get dressed up, unless I'm going to a wedding, and regain some semblance of my former self before I had my kids.
I think all of us stay-at-home Moms, have a hot Mamma wedged somewhere inside us, but between the shirt stained with formula, and running to make sure our kids get to their extracurricular activities, some of us may have a hard time unearthing our "inner hot Mamma" without a little help and encouragement. That's why I'm here to encourage all you stay-at-home Moms to ditch your elastic waist, deep pocketed Mom jeans, and replace them with jeans that are tapered, regardless of whether or not you think you have the figure to pull them off- wear them any way!
But don't just think that being a stay-at-home Mama requires you to simply change your outer appearance- it also is about changing the way you think about yourself, giving your self- confidence and esteem the boost it may be yearning for.
This first article, How to be a hot stay-at-home Mamma, will be the first in a five-part series of articles which will attempt to help all of us stay-at-home Moms make over all aspects of our outer and in inner lives. These articles will include;
1) Stay-at-home Moms makeover your relationship with your spouse.
2) Stay-at-home Moms makeover your relationship with your children.
3) Stay-at-home Moms makeover your relationship with your friends.
4) Stay-at-home Moms makeover your relationship with yourself.
Please e-mail me at stayathomeparents@suite101.com if you have any suggestions or topics you'd like me to include in this stay-at-home Mom makeover series.
Posted by Melissa Chapman
So, you've enrolled your children in "Mommy/Daddy" camp for the summer.
Whether the reason for your decision is financial, these days day camp tuition is a minimum of at least $1,000 for the summer. Or maybe as a stay-at-home parent, during the year, you're often rushing around trying to maintain schedules, and keep your head above water and you thought keeping your kids at home with you during the summer would be a great opportunity to get in some unhurried quality time together.
It's now July 9th and some of the stay-at-home parents that I know who made this decision have had their fill of "quality time" with their kids. Some of them have even expressed to me their feeling that perhaps they made the wrong decision by keeping their kids home for the summer. It can be hard to find activities to keep your kids busy all day long, and unfortunately it leaves you with no downtime. Whereas during the school year, you don't have your kids walking up to you every hour on the hour saying, "Mommy, Daddy, I'm bored!"
Fortunately I've told some of my freinds to check out the article I wrote about fun summer activities to do with your kids. The list includes, regular pool/swim time, arts and crafts projects, cooking together and a few more,(check it on in the articles section of this site).
The truth of the matter is that, I have two kids a 5 year-old and a 15-month-old, and she had a week off between school and the beginning of her day camp season. It was a pretty tough week and I'm the first to admit, that it was hard for me to adhere to my own list of activities. And there were some days where she spent the better part of the day watching television.
I'm glad she's in day camp now, and I think she's happier too. But if that is not a viable option for you and your kids, don't worry. You just have to try and establish a routine that works for all of you. And if they end up watching a little more television than they should- there are worst things they could do!
Just keep reminding your self each day that these litle people who seem to be engulfing your life, are your kids, your flesh and blood, and they grow up pretty quickly, so try and cherish these moments, hours, days, because before you turn around it will be time for them to go back to school. This is your chance to find out about their lives, without them feeling like you're giving them the third degree. You can use the whole day, and throw in a question an hour, and really start to get a sense of who your kids are and what they dream about. It's hard to find that kind of time during the year, when you are so busy getting them off to school, and before you know it picking them up from school.
When I think back on the week of vacation I spent with my daughter, the truth is we spent a lot of time bonding, we baked a bunch of cakes, I played Barbies with her and we went swimming. It was kind of refreshing not to be tied to a schedule and come to think of it- I had a pretty good time!
Posted by Melissa Chapman
The results from our most recent poll, about the sources of our greatest contentment and happiness as stay-at-home parents, are in. The results simply prove that we really love our kids, and feel wonderful when they show signs of independence, maturity and the ability and desire to express their love for us!
The question posed to our readers was:
As a stay-at-home parent what about your life's work, otherwise known as your "full-time mommy or daddy job," provides you with the greatest happiness & contentment?
Watching your kids finish all of their broccoli.
Getting your child's unsolicited hug, kiss or an "I love you"
The day your baby can finally hold her own bottle.
Watching your child pick out his own clothes and dress himself.
All of the above!
Out of these four choices, more than half of our readers, 53.33% to be exact, said their greatest contentment was derived from from getting their child's unsolicited hug, kiss or an "I love you."
While 46.67%, almost half of of our readers said that their greatest source of happiness came from, all of the above!
So what does this poll say about us as parents?
I think it proves that those of us who have chosen to be stay-at-home parents, do truly derive a real sense of happiness and a kind of peaceful contentment from having the opportunity to to raise our kids each day and reap the daily benefits of what we do, vis-a-vis, their unsolicited displays of affection towards us, watching them get dressed on their own, or even soemthing as small as just finishing their brocoli.
Posted by Melissa Chapman
I wrote an article, Are Stay-at-Home Moms (SAHM) content?, in reaction to an article whose author vehemently stated that stay-at-home Moms'lives are lackng and unfulfilled unless they have a career (one that is not as a Mom rather a job outside of the home arena).
Basically, the writer systematically put down every aspect of a stay-at-home Mom's life and I am ashamed to admit she got me thinking about my life choice as a SAHM (and that maybe I, as a stay-at-home Mom was indeed living an unfulfilled life as well).
Well, thanks to Belinda, a woman who joined my latest discussion, I feel very confident that my SAHM status is the right life choice for me. I think it's very important for all of us stay-at-home Moms to morally support one another- so get involved in this site and post your thoughts, questions and SHARE!!!!
Here's what Belinda had to say:
I have been a SAHM for 26 years now and I know I have been more than content. And nope I haven't worked from my home all those years either. Only the last 5-7 years have I been a freelance writer out of my home.
I think women today need to realize there is nothing WRONG with being a SAHM and content. Matter of fact it's the right thing to do. Our kids need us, not a daycare.
You can find fullfillment in meeting your families needs, having time for hobbies, being there for your kids etc. Society has taught us we "need" something beyond our home and family to make us complete. Not true! I never lack for things to do at home. And being at home allows me to reach out and be there for others in need.
So be a SAHM and be proud of it!
Posted by Melissa Chapman
Yes it's summer again, and for me, as a stay-at-home Mom, I don't necessarily get a true "summer vacation" but which parents do? However, when mid- June rolls around and the school year ends, I too get caught up in that indescribable euphoria of summertime. In between that break from school and until day camp begins, I throw all schedules, appointments, bath times and I'm ashamed to admit it, even mealtimes, out the window. I guess, I too want and NEED a break from the daily grind of schedules.
However, losing the schedules, for me, has also meant, being a little less vigilant about what my kids are doing. Not that I sit with my 15-month- old and watch over him like a hawk during the school year- but being in my "summertime haze" I may have slipped and forgotten some of the "golden" summer safety tips for kids- which I now have learned that all parents, stay-at-home or not must regard as their sacred summer time "bible." Unfortunately, even when we think we can let our guards down, as parents, we need to be on duty- 24/7 - there are no exceptions- no matter how wonderful the weather gets.
Several days ago, during one of those "lazy, hazy days of summer," after spending time at the swim club, my sister, her almost two-year-old son and my two kids were back at my house playing their usual games. Truthfully, none of us adults were supervising the children and, in hindsight, while that was not our fatal flaw, having a large fan on the floor within reach of any of these kids, was a HUGE MISTAKE. The first summer safety tip that I outline in my latest article clearly states that parents should NEVER leave children unattended in the presence of a fan.
Needless to say, my sweet, curious, almost two and a half year-old nephew, somehow managed to get his fingers caught in the fan as it was moving, and as you might imagine, all hell broke loose! My nephew began to scream, the fan began to make a weird grating sound and the piece inside flew off and of course we all rushed over, unsure of what had happened. My nephew's hand was profusely bleeding. For a split second, until we were able to wrestle him off the floor and to the bathroom sink, we thought the fan may have severely severed his fingers. Upon further examination, although the wounds on his tiny fingers were quite deep, his fingers had not been severed.
After waiting in the emergency room for four hours, and my nephew having to wear a bandage that couldn't be washed for four days, during which time he couldn't go to day care for fear that his wounds would get infected, he is currently doing just fine.
So why do I share this horrible story with you? I guess just to reiterate the importance of our responsibility as parents. We constantly need to be aware of our children's surroundings and vigilant about keeping them safe. Please check out my article, Summer Safety Tips for Kids. And if you have any more tips that you would like to share please e-mail me at stayathomeparents@suite101.com or why not start a discussion. We all need to help each other out!
Posted by Melissa Chapman
I thought I'd share the results from the last poll I had posted on the site. It seems that most stay-at-home parents prefer to get their exercise-if and when they get a chance- by strapping their baby in a stroller and taking a brisk walk. And if the weather isn't cooperating, they will head for the mall and get some walking and shopping done at the same time.
Posted by Melissa Chapman
Are stay-at-home Moms happy? As a stay-at-home Mom I can't speak on behalf of all the other stay-at-home Moms out there, but I can speak for myself. Am I happy being a stay-at-home Mom? First of all, I don't think anyone can possibly be happy all the time-24/7- I don't care who you are or how you spend your days. I think that life is full of all sorts of emotions and our days can be filled with both happy, sad, frustrating, quiet, bland, exciting, boring, surprising and yes even happy moments. So to answer the question, yes for the most part, I do feel quite content and happy being a stay-at-home Mom. I don't feel that my life is not fulfilling, in fact I feel quite the opposite is true.
For me, as a stay-at-home Mom sure each day may be filled with a little routinized drudgery- cleaning dishes, doing laundry, preparing meals, changing diapers, and the list goes on.... But each day is also filled with surprises, and new revelations. Watching my son progress from walking to running across the room, or eating his first piece of chocolate, or finding a new spot to tickle him, or hearing him call me Mama when he needs my help, or when he just comes over to me to kiss me.
Or the fact that I get to pick my daughter up from school everyday and hear all about her days events, without rushing or being preoccupied with other thoughts or activities, or sitting with her and playing Barbies and eating dinner together. While I might not be spending my day brokering a high profile investment deal, or managing an office, or working as a full-tome journalist, these moments that I share with my kids, these blocks of time, really do fill my life with, dare I say it, real contentment and happiness. I really do enjoy being able to be a stay-at-home Mom, so I guess I am happy.
Posted by Melissa Chapman
Hi everyone,
I am so glad to be back online!!!!
About two weeks ago,I opened my computer and it had completely shut down/crashed. Well thank G-d I was able to buy a new one because I was experiencing SERIOUS computer withdrawal symptoms!
Like most people I need my daily fix of internet browsing, e-mail exchange and of course this column. Before I talk about my exercise revelations, I just want to reiterate two very important things that every computer user needs to know:
1)Get a good virus protection program installed on your computer and 2) Back up all your files!!!!
Okay, now I feel better that I have done my part to hopefully help you avoid the angst of being without your beloved computer for even one day!
Now onto exercise- believe me I am not a big fan of the term and as I mentioned in my most recent article, Stay at Home Parents Listen Up, I tried to underscore the fact that I'm not feeling too great about my appearance these days and I feel anxious just thinking about having to put on a bathing suit.
But my opinion on exercise has shifted a bit since I ran into a neighbor I hadn't seen in about a year. When I first met her, although she was thin, she just had a tired look about her. Well, I just saw her a few days ago and I did not recognize her. Truthfully, I thought she might have had some work done since her face looked so refreshed, like she had turned the clock back at least ten years. I asked her what she did that made her look so fantastic and she told me that she started walking and now she's up to a few miles a day.
Well just seeing her and how her whole demeanor has changed, just from walking has made me realize that I too, need to inject some of that into my life- and maybe you do too!
Posted by Melissa Chapman
With summer just a few weeks away, I'm already fantasizing about the last week in August when we embark on our annual family vacation. Last year, we rented an apartment for the week at the Jersey shore. Even though we had beautiful weather and were within walking distance from the beach, the truth is now that I look back on it, I wouldn't really consider it a vacation.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you go away and stay at a place with a fully loaded kitchen including; an oven, refrigerator and dishwasher you've basically set yourself up for having to prepare three meals for your family. Now how can that be considered a vacation? And, since you are renting the apartment, you and you ALONE are responsible for keeping it tidy. Last summer I remember I spent quite some time, sweeping, vacuuming, loading and unloading dishes from the dishwasher, making the beds. The truth is I was basically doing the same job I do 24/7 in New York, except for the fact that I was doing it in someone else's apartment, which in many cases is worse, and presents another problem. If my kids spill a drink on my carpet- so what's one more stain- but when I have to worry about someone else's carpet, I remember running around making sure that everyone was being careful to keep the place clean.
Well this summer, I've planned a different vacation one that I am positive will relieve me of my "job" for a week. We're going to stay at a hotel in Upstate New York for an entire week. Before I give you any information, the best part is that, our stay includes three meals a day in the hotel's dining room. Forget the fact that they have an indoor and outdoor pool, an ice skating rink and tennis courts, those were not the amenities that attracted me. As a stay-at-home mom the best vacation is one where someone else makes the meals, serves them and cleans up afterwards. And, dare I say it- I actually get to sit down with my kids and have someone put a plate of food in front of me. I'm salivating just thinking about it!
Write to me and tell me your ideal vacation ideas for stay-at-home parents- I would love to hear them and share them with everyone on this site!
Posted by Melissa Chapman
While I was in the middle of writing up a new article for the site I got a great e-mail from a fellow stay-at-home Mom, Stacy Morrison who's been busy working from her home for the past 19 years. With all that experience under her belt, even after all these years, she feels incredibly confident in the decision she made long ago, to be a stay-at-home Mom.
After reading her response to my blog entry, survival guide for stay-at-home parents, her words filled me with the sense that no matter what the day's up and down's may bring my way, ultimately, my decision to be a stay-at-home Mom was the right one for me. E-mail me or start a discussion -I'd love to hear from you, and how her words have affected you!
Here's what Stacey Morrison had to say......
"I can tell you there is a light at the end of your tunnel! I have been married 21 years, my kids are 19 and 13 and I have worked at home the last 14 yrs. I didn't have the kind of childhood that I wanted to duplicate for my kids, so i had to invent something different. Here is what I know for sure, the time goes so quickly!!!! Do the very best that you can and don't over think your decisions too much. If you are there with your kids, being present to the best of your ability, your kids will be GREAT! Make your husband your partner, let him be part of the discipline, encourage him to develop his own relationships with the kids. Make some time for each other every day, even if its just 15-30 minutes. Have a quiet time during the afternoon, if your baby takes a nap, make this the time that your 5-year-old has to play in her room. I used a timer and started out with 15 minutes and gradually worked my kids up to 1 hour. Sometimes they even fell asleep. The general idea was that I had uninterrupted time during the afternoon to do what I needed. It's amazing how you can recharge your batteries and your patience with just a little quiet time. My mantra for many years was "what's more important a clean house or kids that feel loved, protected and cared for?" Having teenagers/adults now I see that housework and all the THINGS I thought were important were never as important as helping my kids learn to tie their shoes, or watching them play, or watching a movie with them. Teaching them to be independant and self assured meant being there for all the questions and listening to them when they had a bad day at school. I can honestly say, that when I have felt like I missed out on the great career or whatever I thought I missed out on, I look at my kids and see how well they are doing and how excited they are about the rest of their lives and I know that putting it off for one season of my life was well worth the investment. For the last few years, as my kids were older, I really started to question the importance of being home, I realized that teenagers need a parent at home just as much or more than small children. I have asked my kids to write me love letters for christmas, birthdays, and mother's day. It's my way of reassuring myself that I have made the right decision all these years in staying home. It also allows me to hear from them how they see me and how they feel about the job I've done in raising them. Like I have done with them, they hold me accountable for things they feel I did wrong. Sometimes, they are really funny, but very sweet in their sentiments. Overall, I see that they understand my motives even if they didn't agree with my tatics. I hope you find this helpful. Staying at home with your kids is never the wrong thing to do!"
Posted by Melissa Chapman
Since writing the article about how important it is for us stay-at-home moms to keep our identites intact, I've really gotten some great responses from other Moms who have a lot to say about how they unwind, and/or how being a stay-at-home Mom is not synonymous with having nothing to talk about except for your kids poop that day!
I think it is a struggle to keep ypur sanity and to also keep who you, as an individual person, are intact and make sure you have your own needs met. But the truth of the matter is that, if you don't make yourself a priority now, and indulge your passions, volunteer, exercise, maybe even get a part-time job, if you don't carve out a life for yourself, you might wake up 10 or 20 years from now, when your kids are off living out their own lives and wonder- whatever happened to mine? Don't let this happen to you- read about what some of these Moms had to say and let me know what you think!
Jodee Redmond- you can reach her and check out her site at
paranormal.suite101.com- had some really intersting observations that I thought a lot of us might benfit from, or at the very least feel validated by!
The suggestion about getting up before the rest of the family works for me. I set my alarm for an hour before the rest of the family gets up and I use the time to have coffee (outside if the weather is good), read the paper or part of a book without interruptions, read/answer e-mail, etc. Since I started taking some "me" time, I have a lot more energy and patience.
"Sometimes I think the easier approach is to go back to work and let someone else deal with your kids all the time...but think of all the wonderful things we would miss if we weren't at home with our children!
Maybe you could also deal with the concept of other
women who once they find out that you are a full-time
parent, assume that you have nothing to say for
yourself. I didn't stop thinking, having opinions,
reading the paper, etc. when I gave birth, thank you
very much! I have always made a point of not turning
into the kind of woman who has nothing more interesting
to discuss than how often my kid pooped today and what
colour it was! (OK, now that I got that off my chest -
why, when the Women's Movement is supposed to be about
choices, do some other women behave like those of us
who choose to raise our own children have let the rest
of the team down? It's supposed to be about choices,
right?)
Her's what Belinda had to say: (You can reach her at http://kidscrafts.suite101.com)
"I have been a SAHM for going on 26 years now. (We celebrate our 26th anniv in June). We have also always homeschooled our 7 children. It's important to find time for not only yourself but you and hubby as well.
Here are some things we do:
hide in the bathtub with bubbles and a book
make a weekly date night (yep we date AT HOME!)
teach the kids to honor your private time alone or together.
go for long walks.
Posted by Melissa Chapman
A little bit of my background, I have a five-year-old daughter and a 13-month-old son and I've been married to my husband for seven years. I'm a stay-at-home Mom grappling with the daily grind of caring for my children and keeping up with my household chores. I really try to stay present in the moment and enjoy my kids, antics and all, as they all too soon grow into little people with their own distinct personalities. But it's a little hard to stay in the moment- when you are trying to feed your son who refuses to eat and keeps throwing the food at you!
And what a grind it can be! Honestly there are days where I am up at the crack of dawn making bottles, changing diapers, while my son is screaming, and my daughter is complaining, already at five years old that she doesn't like the outfit I've picked out for her to wear to school. Amidst the chaos and crying, sometimes for a split second I feel like screaming and just bolting for the door. Let the kids take care of themselves- what happened to my life? What happened to my morning routine, getting up at a decent hour, drinking coffee, watching a mindless morning show, taking a leisurely shower, maybe even a bath! What happened to the promise I made to myself that I would never leave the house without makeup- or at least lipstick.
It's funny, in a sad sort of way, the person I was before I had my kids, is not who I am today. I guess when you become a parent, part of the sacrifice, is that you are going to have to compromise and alter who you are to accommodate these new people that you have chosen to bring into the world. It's such an awesome responsibility on so many levels, and when you think about being a parent it's actually kind of scary. You have the power to shape someone else's life experiences and I only pray that I am doing and saying the right things. Of course like all of us, they'll probably end up in therapy anyway. And of course it will be my fault- isn't everything your Mother's fault!
But back to my original point- how do we hold onto- or merge who we used to be with who we are today. I guess my resolution for the day is- I will try to remember to put on some lipstick before I leave the house.
I would love to hear from you- so send me your thoughts- ideas on things that we as parents can do- especially stay-at-home parents where so much of our time and energy is invested in our children, to keep sight of who we are as women and individuals with needs, desires and dreams.