Holidays with Elder Family Members

Posted by Maryan Pelland Nov 30, 2006

Professionals in the geriatrics world say they get more calls from concerned family members during the winter holidays than any other time of year and that's no coincidence. We see each other more often at that most wonderful time of year.

Now, you might think the changes related to aging come upon us slowly. Sometimes they do. On the other hand, sweeping changes can knock you on your heels wihtout warning.

The first time we travelled to see my dad and became aware of his undiagnosed symptoms of Alzheimer's, we noticed little lapses from time to time. He knew it, we knew it. Concerned, we encouraged him to seek professional advice, but we thought we'd have many years to get used to the changes. We enjoyed the holidays and headed home.

Our family's story played out much faster than we had anticipated. The next time we visited dad, we were blown away by how differently he was engaging with his own environment. His apartment was not the same.

If your holiday plans include visits to relatives or friends who are aging, be prepared and a little more alert to their surroundings. Here are some things to be concerned about:

1. Housekeeping changes. The home is newly disorganized or downright dirty. Dirty dishes languish on tables, or in the sink. Laundry is piled up. Spilled or spoiled food is aparent. Bathroom is neglected.
2. Doors or windows are unsecured. Keys have gone permanently missing.
3. Your loved one is moody, or disturbingly quiet. Of course confusion is something you want to keep an eye on and evaluate.
4. Personal hygiene has slipped. Clothes may be torn, mismatched or stained.
5. Is there an obvious weight loss or weight gain? Peek into the fridge - is there a good supply of nutricious food?
6. How are the finances going? Are bills paid? Banking done? It's not easy to look into such personal things, but you'll want to be alert to obvious problems.
7. Medications become confusing early on when older people are having problems.
8. Newspapers and mail may pile up unsorted and unread. Perhaps the trash hasn't been taken out.
9. Of real concern are signs that your loved one is not interacting with friends or neighbors anymore. My dad stopped visiting people when he became aware that he couldn't remember his address or phone number with any degree of reliability.

What to do:

1. Don't freak out - we all slow down with age, say the experts. Be realistic with yourself about what you're seeing.
2. Talk warmly and non-threateningly about what you see. Show heart-felt concern, never anger.
3. Ask your loved one what kind of help he or she would like, if any. House cleaning service? Medical advice? Organizational assistance? Perhaps you could gift the person with some outside help, if that's their wish.
4. There are good senior services in nearly every community. They provide actual service, advice, and referals. Offer to help determine what's around.
5. Keep your eyes and ears open. Relaly listen when your senior other tells you something. Be proactive and make sure your priority motivation is the best interest of the senior whether that person is your spouse, parents, aunt, friend or neighbor.
6. Make the holidays bright. Avoid being overly solicitous or demonstrating your own degree of worry and anxiety if you do see changes. None of the issues are likely to be emergencies and action can be taken after a warm, bright family celebration.
7. Visit and call more often. Treasure the days you have together.

And don't lose hope. Medication can manage some of these issues. Sometimes, combinations of certian meds can cause such symptoms. Simple dehydration, very common in older people, can cause or heighten issues. If you're worried, find professional advice.

MORE:

Holidays with Elderly people from Suite101.com

National Association of Area Agencies on Aging

The Long Term Care Link - enough readng to keep you busy for the long term.

Ideas for gifting older people