Cynthia Peterson's Blog
Posted by Cynthia Peterson
My husband and I had tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant with our third child for about 10 years at which time we began persuing adoption. With the successful addition of our two youngest sons, Steven and Sean, I was finally able to quell the maternal voice screaming within me to have more children. My family was complete.
I busily set about raising my four little men with vigor and enthusiasm. I read books about raising boys, I brushed up on my soccer skills and I settled in to my home filled with masculinity. Only occasionally did I yearn for a girl child. Too old to be pregnant (the past had indicated that wouldn't happen anyway) and restricted by insufficient living space to adopt anymore children, I set aside my dreams of pink hair bows and shopping trips.
The summer the boys turned one, I got a bit of a shock. After two adoptions and twelve years of unexplained infertility...I was pregant. I sunk to the kitchen floor with the offending pee stick in my hand. I began crying, not tears of joy as you might expect, but tears of irony and despair. I was old, fat and exhausted. For nine months I fretted over the health of the baby, my weight gain, how I was going to manage three babies under two and how all this would affect my tenuous hold on sanity.
God, in His infinite wisdom saw fit to deliver unto me my girl. The second I held her sweet pink little body close to mine, I new all was right with the world. The warmth of her and the delicious scent of her skin carried me through the first five months of colic and the twelve months of pumping for her. My girl was worth the heartache and definitely worth the wait.
Mama loves you Bella.
Posted by Cynthia Peterson
I never know what to give my husband for Fathers Day. What do you give the man that has helped you realize your grandest dreams and deepest desires? How do you show appreciation for someone who has always stood beside you cheering you on? He has helped me reach every goal I have ever had.
Graduating from college was not high on my list of priorities when I left high school. It was not until I was married with two children did I decide to go back and earn my bachelors degree. I became a college freshman at the ripe old age of 29 and graduated summa cum laude at 33 years old with my husband and children cheering me on.
Being a foster parent was a dream I was afraid I would never achieve. With the love and devotion of my husband that dream became a reality nearly three years ago.
Adopting a child seemed the logical sequence of events for foster parents. We adopted two children because my husband knew how much it meant to me.
I wanted to be a stay at home mom to raise the children that God had blessed us with. My husband saw to it that our lifestyle could be maintained based solely upon his income.
Being a published writer has been a desire of my heart since I learned to read. When I shared this dream with Kory he said, “You can do anything you set your mind to”.
What do you give the man of your dreams for Father’s Day? The desire of HIS heart, an automatic sprinkler system. Happy Father’s Day!
Posted by Cynthia Peterson
Long after the vows are exchanged and the rice thrown, two people are left to face life together as a team. They have promised to hold their love sacred, forsaking all others. Announcements of staying together for better or for worse, for richer and for poorer have been declared. How is it then that most marriages end in divorce?
I believe that couples tend to focus on the day (wedding) rather than on the commitment (marriage). More preparation goes into the celebration than the union. As a result, when the dust settles and daily life ensues, boredom, frustration and disillusionment set in.
Marriage is hard work. The feeling most identify as “love” or “being in love” is more closely related to “lust”. The passion, the fire, the instant chemistry felt at the beginning of a relationship does not last much longer than the honeymoon. Real “love” is built on trust, daily living, predictability and loyalty. It occurs over time and fully matures as the couple grows together through life’s challenges.
If a relationship is based on the fledgling immature love enjoyed at the onset of a relationship and never matures past that stage the outlook for the marriage is not good. It takes time, dedication, patience and selflessness to nurture a marriage into maturity.
You may not always feel love for your spouse. Do not let that deter you from working on your marriage. Love is not only a “feeling” it is a decision that you make everyday. If you find that you do not feel particularly loving, recall the things you enjoy most about your spouse. What about your husband or wife makes you laugh? What is it that you most enjoy doing together? What is something about them that you cannot live without?
Posted by Cynthia Peterson
How do chores and chore cards fit into a blended family? If a child is only in the home every other weekend should they have regular chores or treated more like a guest in that regard? Each blended family has its own unique circumstances and will approach chores from a very individual point of view. At our house, the one member of our family whose primary residence is elsewhere (with his biological father) does not have assigned chores in the traditional sense.
My feeling is that he is with us so seldom; I would rather spend the time we have together more constructively than having him scrub a toilet. Do not get me wrong, I still teach him how to do household tasks; I just do not require him to participate in the weekly cleanup on a regular basis.
If the rest of the family is engaged in household chores, Casey does help. Much like a guest would if they were at your home and dishes needing washing after a shared meal. He also assists with pool maintenance and watching or entertaining his younger siblings.
The idea is not to make him feel like a guest or that he should not be required to play a part in the running of the home but that our time together is so precious that I do not want it spent cleaning.
If there comes a time when he decides to live with us, he will have a more active roll in the household maintenance, until then he will have to get most of his housework training at his father’s house.
Posted by Cynthia Peterson
What happens between a biological brother and sister that makes intimacy seem distasteful? Social stigma? Mom and Dad's disapproval? More likely than not it is the "gross out factor". Something happens when you live with someone 24/7 and share every moment of your childhood together.
You see your siblings at their best and their worst. You experience every mood change, milestone and bout with the stomach flu. Something about being in almost constant close proximity to one another makes it difficult to see eachother in any other light besides annoying.
For me, it was the same with my stepsiblings. I never lived with them as a child. By the time my stepmother and father married I was 16 years old and living full time with my mother. I didn't develop a more personal relationship with my stepsiblings until after I was married.
My stepbrother and I are now very close and address eachother as "brother" and "sister". He thinks he is gorgeous. Although not ugly, I feel repulsed when he suggests that he is "sexy" or "good looking" much in the way I think biological siblings would respond. You either feel repulsed or you laugh at the hilarity of the observation.
Why do I experience the "gross out" factor when my stepbrother and I did not grow up together? I'm not for certain but I think it has to do with the fact that he is annoying, and smells bad....like every other brother!
Join us in the discussion forum to share your thought on stepsibling relationships
Posted by Cynthia Peterson
I love being a Mama! So much so that after my second child I new I wanted a third (and maybe a forth or fifth :). But try as we might, and we did try, we couldn't get pregnant again. After five years of nothing we solicited the aid of a fertility specialist.
My husband and I underwent a gamut of testing but nobody could determine the cause of the problem. They labeled are issue "unexplained secondary infertility" ...LOVELY. We didn't want to squander the boys' college money on fertility treatments that might not be effective. Our only other option was to give up on expanding our family, or so we thought.
After five more barren years we were blessed with two separate adoption opportunities. Steven and Sean joined our family 9 weeks apart in the summer of 2004.
Twelve months later..after two adoption finalizations, an emergency un-necessary appendectomy and subsequent removal of my right fallopian tube and ovary....we got pregnant.
Bella Francesca made her grand entrance into the world on April 28th 2006 with her four big brothers cheering her on.
The best Mother's Day gift ever was in May of 2006, when I found myself surrounded by my five children. My dream realized, my family complete. Thank you God.
Posted by Cynthia Peterson
For most of my young adulthood I seemed to stumble head first into every situation that came my way. Planning wasn't on my radar, I was a "fly by the seat of my pants" kinda gal. Living as such didn't come without consequences and eventually I got sick of "paying the piper" for my lack of decision making and planning skills and decided to take a more mature approach.
Planning does not prevent unexpected things from happening, but it does help you deal with lif'e's "monkey wrenches" a little more effectively. At the very least you can assure yourself that you did everything you possibly could to make a difficult situation easier by being aware.
Children depend on their parents to make well thought out, if not perfect, decisions regarding their lives and living circumstances. If the parents are not occupying the drivers seat in the planning and decision making process, the family will surely careen out of control, plummeting headlong through one unanticipated mishap after another.
Do yourself and your children a favor and plan before making big decisions. Visit our discussion forum to share your experiences as a blended family.
Posted by Cynthia Peterson
The worst part of divorce has got to be "sharing" your child. Some people are under the false belief that once you divorce you are free of the problems you and your former spouse shared. Not so if you have children together. You are forever tied to that person through the child you produced as a married couple.
Holidays are difficult as you try to "split" time with your ex spouse. This can be especially stressful for the child. Do everything you can to minimize this stress. Holidays are supposed to be fun and relaxing. Even if it isn't for you, it should be for the children involved.
Refrain from pouting or making derogatory remarks about the other parent in the presence of the children. It doesn't serve any constructive purpose and makes the children feel bad.
Instead of fretting over the time you DON'T have with your child, make the most out of the time you DO. Talk with them, hold them, do activities with them and take pictures of them. Most of all...love them.
Posted by Cynthia Peterson
Maybe its just me but I can't believe how many people continue to put their own needs above those of their children. They comment in the discussion forum about children who are acting out, showing signs of jealousy, failing to bond and children who refuse to blend.
I can't reiterate enough how important it is to help your child heal and return to wholeness before you ask them to accept another person or persons into their life. Parents go through a process before they decide to divorce. Relationships don't just suddenly fall apart, although it may seem that way to the children as they are usually informed that their parents are going to divorce right before one or the other parent moves out. They need a period of time to grieve the loss of their family. Children don't need the added burden of adjusting to a new person they may not even care for.
Another point I want to make is that when I say "Blended Family" I mean people who are married or about to be married. If you are in a boyfriend/girlfriend situation and your child is obviously unhappy about it end the relationship. Your primary concern must be your children. They will grow up and away soon enough and then you can do whatever you want. Until then every decision you make must be in the best interest of your child/children.
"What about me?" You may ask. "Isn't my happiness important?" In a nutshell, no. You abdicated that right when you decided to become a parent. From that moment on your happiness needed to be directly linked to that of your child. What makes them happy should make you happy. The only exception to this is if you are still married. The primary relationship in a married home should be that of the husband and wife, but if you are single numero uno is your child.
I know this view may make me incredibly unpopular, but you know what if it saves one child's happiness and leads one parent to make a decision based on the benefit of their child and not themselves, its worth it.
Posted by Cynthia Peterson
Camping is a wonderful way to enjoy eachother as a family. Coupled with Earth Day and throw in the beautiful California coastline and you have a recipe for wonderful memories and family fun! We have been camping at the coast for years. The children love it as much, if not more, than we do. Long sun filled days lounging on the beach, building sand castles, exploring tide pools and ocean swimming are just a few of the activities we enjoy by day. Clear night skies offer star gazing opportunities, campfire stories, smores and snuggling. The best thing about beach camping is listening to the sound of the waves crashing against the beach as you drift off to sleep. Enjoy your local beach or recreation spot....enjoy your Earth Day!
Posted by Cynthia Peterson
We have been sharing custody of Casey (50/50 split) for 13 years. When I got divorced I was very young and overwhelmed with parenting. I had never lived on my own or experienced "single life" since I was married failry young. I thought that by allowing Casey to live with his father 50 percent of the time I would get a much needed break. My relief soon turned to anguish as I realized how much time I was losing with Casey. I voluntarily gave up half my child's life. There is no telling what would be different if I hadn't agreed to the arrangement but I have regretted the decision almost everyday since.
Posted by Cynthia Peterson
Kory and I have had our ups and downs. After 13 years of marriage I have contemplated more than once the possibility of leaving but when I look into the eyes of our five children I know I could never do it. I've had one failed marriage. I've seen how it affects a child. I will NEVER be a contributor to that kind of pain to another human being again. When my first husband and I divorced I was very young and immature. I was determined to find happiness elsewhere. I was too stupid to realize that true happiness is to be found within yourself. I love my family. I find joy in seeing them and loving them everyday. I wouldn't give that up for anything. This time I'm all grown up. I know that happiness is directly related to my attitude.
This time "till death do us part" means something to me.
Posted by Cynthia Peterson
Because Case is our first teenager we are experiencing a new chapter in our family. There is a subtle feeling of malcontent among us. At first I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Casey being such a good kid is never openly disrespectful and he is never combative. Nothing in his behavior directly points to a concrete problem. The only indication of trouble was an aura of dissention. It took some time, but I finally realized that part of the process of becoming a man entailed "finding" his place as an adult in our home. His "aura", if you will, has encouraged a just as subtle counter response in his stepfather, my husband, Kory. This delicate new presence in our home manifests itself in two different ways.
The ever-present male playfulness known popularly as "rough-housing" has taken on a much more serious tone. There appears to be a real sense of "winning" or "losing" these impromptu wrestling matches, while formally there was no such distinction in the outcome. Casey has also been challenging decisions made by us regarding him, albeit respectfully. As difficult this transition is to endure, I now recognize it as a important component in Casey's rite of passage into adulthood. Thank goodness he and Kory have a wonderfully strong bond. I know because of the love and respect they share we will survive this new parental challenge and Case will become the man he is destined to be.
Posted by Cynthia Peterson
My husband and son met 14 years ago when my son was 2. Kory often says that he fell in love with Casey before he had those same feelings for me. Coming from a blended family himself, Kory made it a priority to make Casey feel loved and valued in our home. He was always genuine with his feelings and attention. He kept discipline to a minimum and concentrated instead on loving guidance. Kory never tried to become another father, but chose instead to assume the role of loving mentor. The respect and devotion they have for one another is envied by many of our friends who are also tackling the challenge of bonding within a blended family. Now that Casey is a young man they have added a new dimension to their relationship. The dynamic of their bond has changed from stepchild/stepparent to loving friends. I have enjoyed watching their devotion to one another blossom and grow. I look forward with anticipation to observe its continued maturation.
Posted by Cynthia Peterson
My oldest son shares time between our house and his father's house. This inevitably means that some chores go undone for a week at a time unless someone else takes care of them in his absence. This seems unfair to some family members and rightly so. After all, the rest of us are required to do chores on a daily basis.
The way we have handled this issue is to have our second oldest son share the same chores as his older brother. When they are at home at the same time they work together and split the allowance. On days where only one person is at home and working, he keeps the all the allowance (prorated daily rate).
It can still get ugly. Arguments over who did what when, for how long and to what extent. Generally though, it works pretty smoothly.
I'm sure I'm not the only one to have unique circumstances at home. Please share your ideas, questions and success stories on the discussion forum, so we can all benefit!
Posted by Cynthia Peterson
It can be hard getting your children to open up to you. We use the acitivities described in the article to encourage my boys to share about their day. It often leads to other discussions about homework, friends, projects they are working on and problems they may be having. All four boys get their turn in the spotlight which can be a challenge in a large blended family such as ours. Each evening we all feel as if we have been "heard". It can get pretty silly at our dinner table. If the boys have a hard time thinking of a legitimate "good thing" or "bad thing" they have been known to tweak the truth a bit to get a laugh out of us.
It is so important these days to make sure the children feel free to express themselves at home, to their parents. It is my hope and desire that the activities I've shared with you (and the activities that I write about in the future) will help give your children that opportunity! If you have any questions, comments or article suggestions, please don't hesitate to contact me!
Posted by Cynthia Peterson
As a parent I knew that my choices needed to be made very carefully so that my son would feel safe and secure. When my current husband and I decided to marry we included my son, who was two at the time, in as many aspects of our courtship and wedding as he wanted. My husband made my son a priority. As a matter of fact, he often says that he fell in love with Casey long before he fell in love with me.
Kory took the time to get to know Casey. He learned about his likes and dislikes. He planned fun and interesting activities to do together. In short, he built a history with Casey. They created wonderful memories, which they love to share to this day.
Although I know it must have been very hard on Case at the time of the divorce, the positive side of the situation was the love and acceptance he found in his stepfather. Today my son is almost a man. He’ll soon be sixteen. He is tall, strong and reliable. His greatest joy is bringing happiness to others. He has a contagious smile and a wonderful sense of humor. He is well adjusted. Casey has five younger siblings and is a fabulous big brother.
To successfully blend a family takes hard work. It is not for the weak at heart. It is not for the selfish. The most important rule in parenting is selflessness. If you want to succeed in any family as a parent you have to put the needs and feelings of the children before your own.
Posted by Cynthia Peterson
The Merriam Webster dictionary states that a blended family is: “a family that includes children of a previous marriage of one spouse or both”. I propose for the sake of our site that this dictionary definition may be a bit outdated and narrow in scope. Here at Suite 101 we will also include families that are blended by other means. That is, anyone that falls outside of the “traditional” family of two married heterosexual parents of the opposite sex whose children are born to them through “normal” means.
For example, children who are being raised by their grandparents are a “blend” of two different nuclear families. Families that are built through a combination of biology and adoption are a blend. Sometimes there are striking ethnic differences that blend to make one family. Some blended families are small, others are very large. Each has unique needs and circumstances.
It is my goal to include everyone that is in, from, or about to create, a “blended family” in articles, blogs and discussions. I want this site, our site, to be a resource of information, support and encouragement to anyone who may benefit from it. Join me in the discussion forum to introduce yourself, keep up to date with the latest article and feel free to contact me with any questions, comments or article suggestions you may have.