Silbing Rivalry

Posted by Barb Hacker Mar 21, 2008

The most stressful thing for me to deal with as a parent is sibling rivalry.

Some days are great and I pat myself on the back and think I must be doing something right. Other days are awful and the boys fight so much I think they must hate each other and that I am a completely ineffective parent.

The sibling rivalry issue is the one issue I have yet to find adequately addressed in a parenting book. There is Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish (W.W. Norton & Co., Inc. 1987), but that doesn’t seem to address the specific sibling needs in my house.

My two oldest boys are five years apart and at two very different developmental levels. The preschooler looks up to his older brother and wants to do things that he is not developmentally ready for, like play with Bionicles. His older brother gets frustrated with his pestering for help. Sometimes the oldest is too helpful and doesn’t let the younger brother learn things on his own.

A hard lesson for me has been that I need to step back and let them sort out their disagreements. This is a delicate balance with two kids in this age range though. The older boy has much better negotiation and communication skills. I need to give them a chance to sort it out, but be ready to step in if the youngest is getting too frustrated or if he refuses to give his brother any space.

Still, I recognize that compared to some, I’ve got it easy on the sibling rivalry front. At least until the youngest of the three is old enough to join in the fray.