Death of a Bulimic

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I have been Bulimic for going on a year now. I halted last summer and thought I had quit...but stress overcame myself, my family...my whole life...and it all started over again. I tell myself everyday I can over come this sickness...but really, I think it's gone past me being able to help myself. I want so badly to stop, but I don't know how...Its began to make me feel better about myself when I do it...but then I get so tired and weak and have no motivation to do anything...my family and my friends and myself all suffer from this. And I hate it.

I have been bulimic for 5 years now. I hate what Im doing to myself and my friends. I seeked help from this bitter illness when my dad took his life. Now I feel I am losing mine. I have lost my sole. I have tryed everything ranging from gp visits to an eating disorders unit to hypnotherapy and nothing helped!
I am weak, unhappy and have started throwing up blood now. I'm scared!

ive had bulimia and anorexia for the past 3 years.
im only 15, and its the worst thing ever.
i know im gonna die if i dont stop but i cant and im so scared, i throw up between 40-80 times a day and its getting worse.
i dont know what im going to do with myself

I have been bulemic for nearly ten years. Unbelievable to me when counting the years. I started in college but I remember making myself throw up so I didn't have to go to school when I was in kindergarten. I felt powerful and in control. How could it have lasted for so long? I thought it would just go away. Has it? My hunger for perfection lingers on. My throat hurts todays. I say it's just a cold and deep down inside me I have convinced myself that it's true. I am irritable somedays and other days I feel completely normal. I have two small girls-4 and 19 months. I always told myself that I would never throw-up in front of my girls. I am not perfect, I failed one time and I can hear her words carved into my brain. She said," Mommy, why did you let your throw-up out?" I can't let her see me again. I HATE the liar inside of me. I want so much to be committed to recovery but it is so difficult...I don't want to leave my girls. I know if I don't, I won't be there for them when they need me the most, years from now. Yet, I hide.

I have been bulimic for five yrs, lost my partner as he could not take my selfish erratic behaviour anymore! I desperatly want to stop i can't hold down a relationship i am behavin promiscuous i get far too drunk when i go out! Its like i am trying to destroy my life, its as if i do things on purpose to give me a purpose to hate myself! Every morning i wake up i think today is the day i will stop, i will eat healthily but by the the night i have binged at least three times and just feel a failure! I've been the doctors for help but they do not have the resources! I feel selfish even going the doctors because i am doing it to myself, i put my fingers down my throat, i eat the food that makes me feel fat, i am the one that slyly hides food and does things five yrs ago would never imagined myself doing! I just wish it would go forever and sometimes i feel the only time i will be free from it is the day i die!

My body is a prison, food is the enemy. When I'm throwing up, I loathe food, I depsise it. When I'm around family, happy and enjoying life(as much as the disease allows for it), food is my friend. I can control this, I think. I don't have a problem, I repeat. NO. I am an intelligent, career-driven mother. I can stop this. NO. I can't stop this and I hate myself for it. I really hate myself---how pathetic is that? I constantly feel tired, sick and constantly worry about my health. I am lucky to be healthy naturally and I am doing this to myself. I am making myself sick.
I WANT to stop, I DESIRE to stop. I simply cant do it on my own.
I called for help recently, I am going to try. I am still scared to tell my family, so the secrets will continue. I will seek therapy in private and the chains wont fully be broken. I wish I could be honest with myself and others. I am tired of lying. I am tired of hating myself. And I am tired of being this type of mother to my child. I want to LIVE.

I can't stop this monster. I have been bulimic for 7 long years. As stated above I feel 100 and I am only 24. I have lost so much because of my disease. I have dropped out of universities and colleges 5 times due to my bulimia, lost all of my friends from isolation, hurt loved ones, stole, and lied more than I can keep up with. I have been to 2 inpatient centers, an out patient center, therapists, psychologists, and "bulimia studies." Piled up huge medical bills, but I still can't stop. I hate bulimia, I gain weight because I binge so much. I feel like a prisoner in my own body. I am drained and empty. I don't know how to live anymore, but I want to.

I sit and waste the day with food.Eat,get sick,eat to feel better.Get sick.Go shopping....buy food. Feel worse.I feel like I live in my own universe.14 yrs into it and you think I might know more.No teeth.scars on my knuckles.size 00 to 3.waiting and wanting for something to help. S O S