Lisa C. DeLuca's Blog
Posted by Lisa C. DeLuca
Question: A reader wrote: "I have been diagnosed with the [Borderline Personality] Disorder, and am constantly reading the symptoms, attempting to find some way they don't apply to me. I always fall short. I don't want the medication. it's a blanket for the problem, not a cure. Is there any other possibility that these symptoms are found in everyone, or that they could be caused by hormonal imbalances rather than a mental disorder?"
Answer: When people are diagnosed with a mental disorder they often feel somehow defective, or less-than everyone else. This is a side-effect of what happens when we label people. Labels can be useful because they help organize our thoughts about, and give a name to a cluster of symptoms in order to better understand and help the person experiencing them. But a drawback is that people feel boxed in and defective.
Listen, everyone has something. I know that all these things are called mental disorders and that is a scary term, but I think it's helpful to just look at it as a condition that affects your happiness and the way you think about things, thus the term "mental." Think of all the people with depression, people who worry too much, people who have random panic attacks or phobias of some sort - these things are so common and are also classified as mental disorders.
Another important thing is that many "borderline" traits make you the lovely individual that you are. It's when some of these traits are applied too much, or go a little out of control, that they may interfere with your happiness. This can be said of any individual and any personality trait, not just "borderline."
Borderline traits can be found in many people. But it becomes a disorder when these traits cause serious upset for the individual or interfere with his or her goals. Medication does not cure Borderline Personality Disorder, but is sometimes given to help stabilize mood and manage symptoms.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy has proven to be very successful in helping people with Borderline Personality Disorder take control of their emotions and step off the roller coaster. It is a non-medicinal way to learn to love who you are just as you are, while recognizing and taking control over the things that you feel stand in the way of your happiness and cause you pain. Look for a treatment center that specializes in Dialectical Behavior Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder. This could change your life.
Regarding a hormonal cause, it's important to distinguish Borderline Personality Disorder from Bipolar Disorder. Bipolar Disorder sometimes looks similar to Borderline and it has a chemical/biological component to it, but it is no picnic and can cause more severe problems. I think that when you wish for a more chemical/hormonal disease, you are simply looking to not be blamed, you want to feel like the cause is outside of your control, just like, say heart disease.
I can understand why you would feel that way, but try thinking about it like this. First of all, things in your childhood could have caused and contributed to your Borderline diagnosis. These things were out of your control and not your fault. You don't have a personality defect, you simply learned to cope with some negative things that were not in your control in a way that made sense and was healthy for you at the time. Now you can let some of these things go because they are no longer working. This is what Dialectical Behavior Therapy can teach you to do.
When there is no chemical/biological cause this actually frees you up and implies that you have some control. Control implies that you have the ability to overcome whatever problems or unhappiness that you are facing. Forget blame, we are all to blame to some degree for many of our problems and pain. If you want to look at how you got here from the past and see that today you may play a role in some of your current pain ok, that's fine, but please don't get stuck there. We can either beat ourselves up about it forever or just move forward to where we want to be.
This diagnosis can be an opportunity for you to find the right kind of help to live the life you want to have. I wish you all the best as you continue on this worthwhile journey.
Posted by Lisa C. DeLuca
A person whose spouse, parent, child or other loved one is ill or incapacitated is a caregiver. It doesn't matter if the loved one lives with you or lives somewhere else. It doesn't matter how many hours are spend in actual caregiving. A caregiver is a caregiver. Why?
Take a look at some of the things caregivers deal with. When a loved one is sick, caregivers are filled with worry and concern. If it is a spouse who has taken ill, the caregiver's life will change dramatically too, and the caregiver has his or her own losses to deal with.
Caregivers have to adjust to their own emotional reactions to the loved ones' illness on their own. They must also help the loved ones deal with their emotions. When caregivers are feeling burned out or in need of a break, they can't confide in the loved one, like they could in the past. They have to deal with their difficulties on their own and they often feel guilty about their negative feelings (even though feeling negative about the situation is nothing to feel guilty about!)
If the patient is the parent or spouse, the caregiver has to get used to the idea that they no longer have the full support and care of that person. The caregiver becomes the one who is relied upon for certain things and the caregiver is not able to rely upon the other for certain things anymore. Over time, this trend will continue with more weight being placed on the caregiver's shoulders.
Caregiving takes time and that time adds up. Caregiving duties always must be dealt with first and so other things, like the caregiver's needs, take a back seat. Life becomes limited as certain activities are no longer doable by the loved one. One day blends into the next.
Caregiving is not just a set of tasks one does, it is a way of life. Those who feel that they are "only" part time caregivers may certainly be burned out and should start doing the things to protect themselves from burnout now. Having this as part of the routine now will be helpful when things get more worrisome and time consuming down the road.
Click on this link to find out how to protect yourself from caregiver burnout.
Click here if you are caring for elderly parents.
Click here if your loved one has dementia.
Posted by Lisa C. DeLuca
Phobias can interfere with every day life. People can become exhausted planning ways to avoid the things they fear. They can miss out on pleasurable things because of fear.
This article explains a bit about how phobias develop:
Therapy can successfully treat phobias. A technique often used is systematic desensitization. These articles provide information about it.
Systematic Desensitization vs. Flooding
Don't despair - help is available!
Posted by Lisa C. DeLuca
Dementia and Alzheimer's can be extremely puzzling for caregivers. It is difficult to know how to manage the strange, annoying, maddening, saddening, and sometimes dangerous symptoms of these disorders. Here are some articles that should shed some light on how to handle the dementia or Alzheimer's patient.
This first two articles review a book that is an absolute must-read for anyone dealing with Alzheimer's. Frena Gray-Davidson is truly gifted in her understanding Alzheimer's and she conveys valuable information about it that cannot be found anywhere else. Check out the book reviews here. Then buy or borrow the book.
New Research on Alzheimer's: Frena Gray-Davidson Presents a Brand New View of Alzheimer's
Latest Research on Alzheimer's Treatment
Research on Alzheimer's Causes and Prevention
Coping with Dementia Symptoms
Dementia Diagnosis in Family Members
Causes and Prevention of Alzheimer's
Posted by Lisa C. DeLuca
Several years ago, I was offered the opportunity to run a caregiver support group, provide training and counsel family caregivers one-on-one. I had much training in counseling but none as a family caregiver. I thought that working with people who were already in the trenches would provide me with important life experience that I might need in the future, should my parents or in-laws become ill. For reasons that were perhaps, selfish, I took the job.
Since then, I have had the opportunity to work with many people my age and older who are taking care of elderly parents. I have worked with dozens of seniors who are taking care of their spouses, and I have met many of their grown children. And, you know what? I was right. I gained so much from this experience. If I was able to give as much as I received I will be happy.
Much of what I learned is contained in the following pages. I hope it will help you in your caregiving journey.
Adult children caring for elderly parents should definitely visit the family communication page:
Improve Family Communication. This is a blog post with links to four essential concrete, how-to articles on improving family communication.
For those providing hands-on care:
Online Video Resources for Family Caregivers Caregiver Education Online Can Help Families Caring for Seniors
Information for anyone with aging or elderly parents to help you understand how your relationship with parents evolves at this stage of life and to better understand the needs of the elderly:
How to Relate to Elderly Parents: Ways to Help Improve a Relationship with Aging Parents
Relating to Aging Parents: Why Relationships with Elderly Parents Need to Evolve
Adult Children Caring for Elderly Parents: Who is in Charge when Dealing with Aging or Ill Parents?
Caring for Aging Parents: Understanding "Aging in Place" and "Slow Medicine"
Health Care for Elderly Parents: Understanding Dr. Dennis McCullough's Slow Medicine Can Help
Caregiving issues:
Caring for Elderly Parents: A Geriatric Care Manager Can Help Long Distance Caregivers
Home Health Care Options: When and How to get In-Home Caregiver Help
The Nursing Home Decision: How to Find the Best Way to Care for Loved Ones
Recommended Books:
Legal Advice: How to Stop an Elder from Driving: Review of The Boomer's Guide to Aging Parents by Rosenblatt
Geriatric Care for Elderly Parents: A Review of Dr. Dennis McCullough's My Mother Your Mother
The Everything Guide to Caring for Aging Parents: A New Caregiver Book Review for People Taking Care of Their Parents
Book Review of Mom's Cancer: Strategies, Support and Help for Caregivers, by Irene Taylor