Resources for Emotional Infidelity and Cheating

Jun 1, 2009 10:42 AM

Guest :

My 'so' has been seeing an ex-girlfriend, once a month for dinner, coffee every couple of weeks. E-mailing. The problem, not only has he not told ME about HER (he said it would sound 'lame' if he told me he sees an ex and they are just 'friends') but he hasn't told HER about ME!!!!! That's what's so disturbing to me. This has been going on for a year and a half (!). I opened up an e-mail in his computer -that's how I found out. He was honest with me about his ex wife and 'so' of 20 years, but never really mentioned her, other than to say the last time was with someone was 3 years before we met (sexually, obviously). He's been hiding this all this time. Apparently the relationship lasted three years, then no sex for the last three. If they are just friends, why not tell her about me? his answer - 'I thought it might hurt her because of what we once had' (!!??) Can I trust this man?

Jun 1, 2009 2:07 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Well, only you can answer that question (whether you can trust him), I'm sorry to say! There are no hard and fast rules, and I don't know him or you....

It could be odd - and deceptive - that he didn't tell you about her, or her about you. On the surface, that seems to take it a step further, beyond "just" emotional infidelity or cheating.

But that said, I know an extremely trustworthy, loving man who didn't want to tell his ex-girlfriend that he got married. He thought the same thing your significant other does: it would hurt her if she knew. My friend is totally committed to his wife and would never betray her -- but he also knew that his ex would be hurt if she knew he was married.

However, my friend did not spend time with his ex. They just happened to run into eacho other one day.

Does your significant other realize he made a mistake? Will he continue to see her? What is he getting from their relationship that he's not getting from his relationship with you?

And most importantly: can you trust this man? I know you asked me that....but I can't tell you how to feel! Marriage expert Gary Neuman says that emotional infidelity is a betrayal that is more difficult to overcome than an affair with physical intimacy, because it involves a person's spirit, soul, and self.

If you and your significant other are serious about re-building a healthy relationship, I suggest you AND he read books about emotional cheating together, and go for couples counseling. I also think he shouldn't spend time with his ex unless you're there (but I'm not your counselor, and I don't know you two -- it's just my personal opinion).

What do you think of all this? It's a hard discovery to make (about emotional infidelity), but it IS something that can be overcome!

Best wishes,
Laurie

Jun 18, 2009 8:16 PM

Guest :

Well I suppose I am not the norm but I am a happily married wife in the midst of an emotional affair. I really have no complaints about my husband, I was sucked into the flattery bestowed on me by another man. Our children are close and I know he is in a bad marriage. He is also a leader in our church as am I which makes the situation more difficult. My husband has stated that he thought the other man has feelings for me but basically put the ball back in my court by stating that he trusts me and knows I would never cheat. I don't know how to end the relationship except by coming clean about it. I don't know if my husband realized the extent of my feelings for the other person or is just choosing to ingore it. Any advise would be appreciated.

Jun 19, 2009 1:05 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

It sounds like you should probably end your friendship, as it's not helping your friend, his marriage, or your marriage! He may need a sounding board or supportive friend, but it's not appropriate that it's you. I think you already know this, but it's difficult to let him go!

Yes, the only way to end it is to be honest. Boundaries have been already been crossed, and you want to make sure that you don't get enmeshed in emotional infidelity or cheating!

I wish you all the best, and welcome your further comments.

Laurie

Jul 27, 2009 8:18 AM

Guest :

i had 6 yrs of affair when i got married 2 my boyfreind. we r now married for 11 yrs with a 9 yr old kid.my husband is very emotional kind tend 2 get involve with the females of our family friends. bcos of this we have lost some of the most precious friends. twice he had this affair, somehpow god makes it a pont & i came to know about it. in midst of this i had 2 very traumatic 6 month abortion still i forgave him ,helped in his struggle 2 achieve maximum possible in his carrer just bcos i love him. he also cares for me and i cant brand him a bad husband. he broke of all his previous affairs once i knew . this after lots of treatment i am again pregnant, in the hospital on complete bed resr, happy like heaven in the anticipation of our child. suddenly i discovered he is having a full blown affair with one our best family freinds. that lady is very nice & helping and i admire her for that but this time my husband refused 2 let her go. i tried 2 save my marriage once again for the sake of my kids. i m on compltete bedrest and i cant move out now .all my dreams are shattered. he doesnt want me 2 leave him as he cares lot about me.i gave him freedom 2 go 2 her for his happiness but that lady now refuses as she has her own family. i feeling suffocated,helping my husband 2 get over that lady as he is very depressed. i m filled with lot of anger. i keep on crying as a result i m having premature contractions. i dont want 2 loose my baby.but where i'll go with such a small kid. i can earn handsomelyjust i don/t have courage 2 step out .pls help me
thanks
m

Jul 27, 2009 4:00 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I'm not sure what help I can give you! If you can't leave, then you have to accept this relationship for what it is. He's sad because of the other woman, and there's nothing you can do to take his pain away. He'll just have to get over her on his own.

My best advice is for you to find the courage to leave him -- he's a cheater, he betrayed you, and he doesn't respect you or your relationship. I don't know how you can live with a man like that!

Many women leave their husbands, and tackle single parenting on their own. I think that's a much better situation for you and your child. A loveless marriage -- a father who is heartbroken over another woman -- is not a great role model for a child. He or she will grow up thinking it's a normal way to live, and will do the same in his or her own relationships.

If you have friends or family, I encourage you to go to them after your baby is born. Start making plans now. A huge part of fear, crying, and lack of courage is NOT taking control of the situation....so I urge you to start taking control. You are not a powerless victim here! You are a grown woman with a child to take care of -- and you deserve more than a marriage like this. And, your baby deserves a better father and home than this.

I wish you all the best, and hope the rest of your pregnancy is healthy.

Laurie

Aug 4, 2009 4:21 PM

Guest :

My husband of 10years was just caught by me with having an emotional affair. We have children together and I am so very heart broken for what he has done. When i confronted him about it he denied everything about their being an emotional relationaship. he was emailing her from work, texting her and calling her. he would delete all of the text and phone log from his cell. i feel so alone right now. He is wanting to work it out and is telling me he will do what ever it takes to get me back. he is asking that i go to counseling but i think he is the one that needs it most. I did nothing wrong but love him. I know their was no physical relations, cause i called her and asked. The thing is they have never met. They don't know what one looks like. I know their was nothing sexual relation but an emotional affair is hurtful enough. Please help me...what should i do. I have so much hate right now.

Aug 4, 2009 7:21 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I'm sorry to hear about your husband -- that's awful. You have every right to feel betrayed and cheated on, even if they never met. Some marriage counselors say that emotional infidelity is harder to get past then physical infidelity.

Regarding counseling, you're right that he's the one struggling with something...but a great way to find out what's missing in your marriage is to try couples counseling. Sure, he can and should go alone, but it's also helpful to see what's happening with your marriage as a whole.

I don't think there's anything else you can do right now...except wait. Let your emotions settle, let your rational mind and your love for your husband start to come back. Don't push away your feelings of hatred, betrayal, and disappointment -- make sure you get them out. Tell your husband how you feel, write your feelings down in a journal, and express them as much as you can. Don't make any decisions about your marriage or your husband yet.

Then, you'll have to figure out what you want to do next. Do you want to stay married? Then couples counseling would be a healthy, positive next step. Do you want to leave your husband because of emotional infidelity? Then, start the separation process. But, as I said, let your shock and bewildered feelings settle before you decide on the next step.

Let me know how you are in a couple of weeks, after everything has time to settle...

Best wishes,
Laurie

Aug 27, 2009 11:22 AM

Guest :

I appreciate your calm and thoughtful answers. When you are in this situation (I'll explain) it is hard to be calm, hard to think, and hard to "let go". I have had some advice that way. Just let it go. Wow, I guess it's easier said than done.
So, my story. Married 26 years, 5 amazing kids, oldest with a seizure disorder, that challenge led to homeschooling the kids which I did in one set or another for 21 years. I became exhausted, probably depressed as menopause set in and I began to let go of any personal dreams other than trying to be a good mother. You can probably see the drift. My sex drive seemingly disappeared. I felt really frustrated when my husband didn't recognize how overwhemed I was. I felt that I told him a million different wways that I needed breaks. Just a couple hours at a time. I think he had so much confidence in my love for our kids (which was justified) that he believed it was normal to be with them all the time. Well, 21 years is a long time. I think I kind of lost it. I withdrew from everyone BUT the kids. Then a dear friend of mine (former) saw this loneliness in my husband and went after him. It was strictly emotional up until she tried to create a rendevous. I found out accidently. He was so glad to know I cared so much but now it has been a year and I still have flashbacks and a sort of strange distrust of the world around me. There was a lot of fumbling in our recovery. He didn't quite tell me everything and then it would come out. The fact that I found out accidently was not trust inducing. And on and on. I do feel like I have a feeling of gratefulness that we are getting through it at all. But I struggle with his vague answers about parts of it. I struggle with thinking that he even in any small way thinks she is an okay person. And I struggle immensly with the idea that she discarded me this way. That part has been just gut wrenching and niether of them seem to get why I still feel upset. What have you found to help in terms of a dear friend making those choices with your life. I'm really struggling with this. Thank you

Aug 27, 2009 3:10 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

You're right...letting go and moving on is definitely easier said than done! One way to heal from a double betrayal like this is to trust time. I know it's a cliche -- but it's a cliche because it's true! It takes time to build trust in your husband and your marriage again; it doesn't happen overnight. But, after a year, your pain should be a little lighter. If it's not, you might need to look for specific ways to rebuild trust.

Have you tried counseling or a support group? Talking it through with a counselor, or even a pastor or other spiritual leader, is helpful because it often offers an objective perspective. And, a counselor might have specific techniques for healing from an emotional affair, which are specific to your personality and situation.

Another possibility is a marriage retreat or workshop. I took a marriage class with my husband, and found it very helpful in building trust and communication. Marriage retreats or workshops also teach us about ourselves as an individual, not just ourselves in a marriage.

I'm sorry I can't give you more concrete help, but I am glad that you're working through this with your husband! You will find your way through it -- you just need to try a few different things that might help your healing process.

I wish you all the best....

Laurie

Sep 10, 2009 4:43 PM

Guest :

A year ago my wife began her emotional affair... I found out about her infidelity six months ago... I'm still lost! and she's still in a form of denial... she accepts she had a relationship but lacks the ability change her habits to "affair proof" our relationship. She doesn't want to "change" who she is... yet claims she doesn't want to be who she is.

We have stayed together but have certainly not reached resolution or re-commitment. The kids are absolutely the binding force.

I'm struggling because emotional infidelity is being defined more and more these days but... it's still the ugly half-sister that doesn't deserve the attention of sexual infidelity. So, here I am six months after finding out and there are rare moments (sometimes if I'm lucky hours) that I don't think about the hell thrust upon me. I can't find peace and I can't find answers... what do I do now? I'm "overreacting".... I'm seemingly not allowed to feel "this bad"... it's "not as bad as I'm making it out to be"... it's "all in my head"... it's "not fair"... article after article says stop dwelling on the past... but they never explain HOW? I try. I want to... but I don't know how.

Emotional infidelity is the cheating that's not cheating... likewise, I don't get to feel the same or recover the same... but I do feel the same and I can't make it stop!

What do you think?

Sep 11, 2009 7:48 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

Gary Neuman is a marriage counselor who wrote at least two books about marital infidelity; he says that emotional cheating is more difficult to overcome than physical infidelity. An “affair of the heart” is difficult to overcome, and takes a daily choice to move on.

But, it’s exceedingly difficult to move on if your wife isn’t on board with saving the marriage, reconnecting, and rebuilding your relationship! It’s totally understandable that you can’t shake off your feelings of pain, betrayal, and frustration. You’re trying to heal, but the wound isn’t fully developed. That is, you’re trying to heal at the same time as you’re being injured…it’s like two steps forward, three steps back.

Perhaps you and your wife could try couples counseling. An objective perspective might help her see how her behavior is affecting your marriage, and give you ways to cope with the infidelity. If that isn’t an option, you might consider seeing a counselor on your own. If that isn’t an option, I think you should read books on emotional affairs – especially by Gary Neuman.

I wrote an article called “Tips for Surviving an Emotional Affair” on my Quips & Tips for Achieving Your Goals blog. The link is in my list above – and the article has links to books about emotional affairs.

I wish I had happier advice for you…and my heart goes out to you. I welcome you back to share your thoughts anytime, and wish you all the best.

Laurie

Sep 28, 2009 12:25 PM

Guest :

my husband has had an emotional affair it startd by talking to a girl he met at work she would tell him her problems and in time he started feeling a connection to her he came to me after 6 months of feeling like this and told me he wanted to be with her well i was shocked i knew nothing we have 2 children and we have been stressed with money but thats life u dont throw 15 years of marriage away for a feeling we went on and fought about this for 3 months and i finally said fine u win if thats what u want so bad i give up u win but if it doesnt work out i wont take u back good bye he was in and trans for weeks and at that minute he just snapped out of it and said oh my god what am i doing i love u and the kids we decided to put all the cards on the table an tell me everything and i agreed not to leave if he was honest ok he said he was and i gave him another chance here i found out he wasnt honest with me after we agreed this is the only way it could work i gave him another chance to be honest i know my husband i could tell he wasnt i contacted the girl she told me everything the way it was i gave him a chance to tell the truth third time an still lied finally after telling him what she said he admitted to it my question is it took 4 tries to get the truth and honesty out of him after we agreed thats the only way it would work how can i trust him if he just keeps lying when we decided to make an honest try please give me advice i feel so hurt and stepped on im not desperate i dont need this stress and distrust he told her he loved her and sent her presents emails and he was leaving us all this i found out from her and on the fourth try he admitted it help any advice is great its been almost a year and im still not over it and dont have trust

Sep 28, 2009 5:24 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

I’m sorry that your husband is treating you this way. It’s so sad, after all that time together – and he can’t even be honest with you.

I really think you and your husband need to talk to a marriage counselor. You need guidance and support as you figure out where your marriage is headed. You need to learn how to trust him despite his emotional infidelity and betrayal.

And, he needs to figure out why he’s doing this – and why he can’t communicate honestly with you. He won’t be able to stop unless he gets to the root of the problem – and it’s not your fault! He’s dealing with his own issues, and he needs to face and resolve them if he wants to build a healthy marriage.

If a marriage counselor isn’t an option, talk to a pastor, spiritual leader, or someone who can be objective and rational about your marriage. It’d be good to find someone your husband trusts and will listen to, so he’ll realize how destructive his behavior is!

Another option is reading books about emotional infidelity and saving your marriage. Books are a wonderful source of information, but in-person counseling really is the most effective option.

I hope this helps a little, and I’m sorry I don’t have any easy solutions.

Best wishes,
Laurie

Oct 8, 2009 8:43 AM

Guest :

Hello,

I feel like I am in a desperate situation. My husband and I have been married 6 years. I am his first wife, he is my second husband as my previous relationship ended after my ex-husband had an affair. We have 3 children together, one of whom died at birth almost 3 years ago. I have also suffered from major depression for many years, something I believe contributed to the demise of my first marriage and is also playing a significant role in my relationship now.

My husband has accused me of infidelity many times for years now... I have been faithful to him since the day we met. But a few months ago, our relationship took a serious turn, beginning with verbal abuse and him calling me horrible things, accusing me of sleeping with a man he used to work with (whom I don't recall ever even meeting) and basically seeking a physical relationship with anyone I ever met. A little over a month ago, he informed me that he was going to seek another relationship and posted a personal ad on an internet dating site. At one point he did hide the profile from viewing by other members of the site when we decided we would save our marriage. But now, his profile is reactivated and he is having regular contact via email with a woman who is interested in meeting him face to face.

Is there anything that I can do to help him see how damaging this is to our relationship? I've gone back and forth in my mind so much about whether or not my marriage is worth saving, but honestly before all this started, I found this man to be my dream come true and someone I was SURE I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. Also do you have any advice on how I can help him believe that I have NOT been unfaithful to him, either emotionally or physically. I feel like he is abandoning our marriage over a delusion.

Thank you,
A

Oct 12, 2009 11:14 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi A,

Thanks for your comment; I’m sorry your husband is so determined to believe that you’re cheating on him! That’s a difficult situation.

To answer your question, I wrote a blog post called “How Do I Convince My Husband I’m Faithful?” You’ll find it on my Psychology.

To get there, just click on my name in blue at the top of this page, then click on "Read Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's blog" on the right side. Scroll down to “How Do I Convince My Husband I’m Faithful?” – it’s in the October, 2009 section on the side panel.

Best wishes,
Laurie

Oct 21, 2009 9:58 AM

Guest :

I have been married for 25 years,early on in the marriage I realized I made a mistake. I was 19 he was much older. Bottom line is he is very controlling. I feel that I was manipulated into the marriage. He is very cheap with money, his time, actions and words. I have always felt manipulated and controlled to the point where I gave up thinking for myself and mainly fought back only when he was trying the same on the kids.By the time I was 24 I had 2 kids.Over the years I lost my friends. He didn't have any.A few loser acquaintances maybe to do something with. My heart is really cold towards him, I feel nothing except anger and yes HATE. Well in the past 5 years I felt so stressed and wanting and needing something more than what life has dealt me. I have always thought about leaving him but I never had the money or the courage.I love my kids soo much I didn't want to hurt them. To make a long story short I ended up on the internet. I met people, I met someone I really connected with and we had an emotional afair, to my misfortune I forgot my email open and my 18 year old son saw the intimate conversation. He was devestated, didn't speak to me for nearly 6 months, even though he sees how his father is and what I feel for him he couldn't deal with such infidelity. He never said anything to his father. Things in the end finished up with this man and I was trying to accept my life the way it was. Out of the blue another man shows up in my life over the net. I fell inlove. My son must have picked up on that and hacked into my emails and saw again a letter I sent to a friend about this man. We had problems again. I feel so devestated and so upset that I have hurt my son. On the other hand I have told the husband I don't love him and that I have considered divorce . He just breaks down like a 2 year old crying and pleading for me to love him and not leave him. The most I could say to him was snap out of it. He knows I have talked to men but I have explained it that I need answers to questions I have over divorce and what it will do to the family.so who better to speak than to people who have gone through this. I want to end it but the kids keep trying to play mediator and also said if I do leave I have to tell their dad about my net afair. Also innocent but yet damaging husband found condoms in my purse which belong to son. I found them in his room and took them thinking I could stop him from sexual relations with GF.I love my kids,they are my only obstacle