Q: What Steps Do a Couple Take After Emotional Infidelity?

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Jul 17, 2009

A reader asked this question, "What steps do we take after emotional infidelity" on my Emotional Affairs article.

This is a great question -- and one that many couples struggle with. Marriage counselor Gary Neuman says that surviving emotional infidelity can be more difficult than physical infidelity, because emotional affairs involve your heart, mind, and maybe even your soul.

Steps to Overcoming Emotional Infidelity:

1. Figure out why it happened. It's not about the "innocent" partner -- in Emotional Affairs on the Dr Phil Show, he describes why partners commit this type of infidelity. Try to understand who who your partner is and who you are together, as a couple.

2. Decide where you want your relationship to go. Do you want to stay together, or split up? Picture where you want to be in one year, five years, and ten years. Do you want your future include your partner?

3. Consider marriage counseling -- and know why it could bring you apart. I've read that many couples who go to marriage counseling do end up separating or divorcing. But, it's not the counselor that tears them apart -- it's simple statistics! The majority of couples who go to marriage counseling have a problem, and not all problems can be solved. Often, couples wait until the problem is insurmountable before seeking counseling, which means the problems are too deep and "old" to solve. And, if a couple has been dealing with a problem for years or decades, they may be unmotivated to solve the problem. The couples counseling is a last resort, and it can be doomed to failure before it even starts.

4. Decide together what your next step is. Whatever you decide to do, make sure that you're in sync. You don't necessarily have to get counseling, but you do need to be on the same page about what happened (whether it was an emotional affair or not), why it happened, and what your future holds.

5. Explore the options. You could read books together about overcoming emotional infidelity, find a support group, take a marriage workshop, go on a relationship retreat, talk to your pastor or spiritual leader, or talk to another couple who has survived an affair. If you decide to stay together, you need to figure out how to solve the problems without going outside your marriage -- you have to look inside yourselves, and work hard.

I hope this helps a little! For more suggestions, go to Resources for Emotional Infidelity and Cheating -- I've listed 10 articles about recognizing and surviving emotional affairs.