Q: How Much Time Should I Spend With My In-Laws?

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Jul 13, 2009

"How can I set boundaries with my in-laws if my husband refuses to?" asks a reader on my article called How to Be a Great Daughter-in-Law. She also asks how much time "normal" families spend with their in laws.

Here's what I think:

Every family is different: some families visit their in-laws once every couple of years, while others LIVE with their in-laws and thus visit every day! How often you see your in-laws depends on families, personalities, choices, and locations.

Regarding boundaries with in-laws: this reader's husband isn't hearing her; he's putting his mother and father's wishes ahead of hers. He's hasn't "left" his family to be one with his wife, which is the point of marriage. He needs to separate himself from his family, and commit himself to his wife and children.

It's the son or daughter that needs to set boundaries with his or her parents. I don't think this reader can set boundaries with her in-laws if her husband refuses to. If she tries to limit visits to once a week or once every two weeks and her husband doesn't support her, then she's waged war with the whole family.

In this case, the son needs to set boundaries with his parents. But how does our reader - his wife - get him to do this? She might have to step out of the picture, because they've probably already had the "we spend too much time with your parents" versus the "no we don't!" discussion. She needs an objective third party to step in and help him see how his choices are affecting his marriage.

And, she's trying to do this! That's why she's asking about how much time normal families spend with the in-laws...she's trying to get an objective measure, so she can share it with her husband.

Since there is no normal amount of time to spend with in-laws, she needs to connect her husband with a counselor, pastor, rabbi, iman --- someone he trusts, and who understands the importance of separating from your family when you get married.

If you have any comments or questions on setting boundaries with in-laws -- or how much time you should spend with your in-laws -- please comment below! You might also want to read 10 Ways to Improve a Marriage Relationship.