Q: How Do I Survive When a Loved One Commits Suicide?

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Aug 3, 2009

Whether it's your brother, partner, a colleague, or someone you haven't seen in years -- suicide is shocking and devastating. On my Recent Research on Suicide article, a reader asked what she can say to the immediate family members of a relative who committed suicide. How does she -- and they -- survive when a loved one commits suicide?

Surviving After Suicide

Be honest with your family members and friends. When you don't know what to say to survivors of suicide, say that. When you're wracked with guilt or grief, talk about that. There is little you can say or do to take the pain away for others...all you can do is be there as the healing begins.

Stay in regular contact. Reach out to your fellow survivors of suicide regularly -- after the whirlwind of memorial services and other arrangements have been made. After a month or two has passed, call or write to ask how your loved ones are coping and if there's anything you can do to help.

Figure out what grieving family members need. I wrote 5 Tips to Help a Grieving Friend to offer suggestions for friends and loved ones...and also 5 Ways to Help a Grieving Friend, which has different suggestions.

Feel the pain. If you try to avoid your grief, guilt, or anger, your feelings will become unbearable and spill over into other aspects of your life. Let yourself cry, grieve, and mourn your loss.

Practice saying "suicide." There is still stigma and shame attached to suicide; sometimes people don't even share that a loved one took his or her own life. But, the more you talk about it matter-of-factly, the less stigma and shame you'll experience.

Don't avoid the topic of suicide. Talk about why the loved one may have committed suicide. Try to resolve your questions as much as you can -- the hows, the whats, the what-ifs. If your loved ones can't or won't talk about it, respect their wishes...but find ways to express your own feelings.

Find resources on coping with suicide. The more you learn about suicide, the better able you'll be to cope with it -- and help your family members cope. Surviving Suicide is a very helpful website, created by a mom who lost her son to suicide. Other helpful sites for surviving suicide are Suicide Awareness and The Grief Recovery Institute.

I hope this helps a little, and I am very sorry for your loss. If you have any questions or thoughts, please feel free to comment below.

Laurie