Q: How Do I Overcome My Inability to Trust Men?

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Jul 13, 2009

A reader asked this question on my Fear of Intimacy article: "How do overcome my inability to trust and confide in a man?"

First, I commend you on recognizing where your reluctance to trust comes from (your family, who rarely shows emotions). It's important to recognize that you aren't in touch with your feelings -- and that you want to be!

Second, I recommend reading Overcoming Fear of Intimacy for possible solutions. What works for some people in dealing wtih an inability to trust men doesn't work for others, so you need to do a little digging to find what will work for you.

Third, I suggest practicing with "safe" people. It might be overwhelming to try to open up to a man you just met. That's a big step! Instead, try sharing how you feel with friends and family members who are emotionally open. If you don't know how you feel, then say that. There's nothing wrong with not knowing how you feel.

You could also write to get in touch of your emotions. Sometimes, to get in touch with our feelings, we need to start by saying "I don't know how I feel", and writing or saying the possible ways we could feel. Eg, do I feel happy? No.....Confused? Maybe.....Scared? Yes! I feel scared.

Fourth, I encourage you to find support in a workshop, series of classes, support group, or a counselor. I myself TOTALLY struggled with an inability to trust men -- until I went into counseling. It was painful, but I learned how to move past my fears of intimacy. You don't necessarily need counseling (though I highly recommend it).....but it would be good to get external, in-person support. Even a book about intimacy would help.

And finally, expect it to take time! I've been happily married for four years, and still find myself automatically reverting back to my old ways of relating to men (shutting down, not talking, giving the silent treatment, etc). It's okay -- we're all works in progress :-)

The point is that you're aware of your inability to trust men or your fear of intimacy, and you're working towards healthy, positive change.

I hope this helps, and I welcome comments and questions below...also, you might be interested in reading 10 Ways to be a Great Date, to get you in the dating mindset!