Q: How Do I Overcome Fear of Intimacy?

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Jul 9, 2009

A reader asked how to overcome fear of intimacy -- which isn't a problem just for men! Many women struggle with intimacy issues, being vulnerable, and trusting their partners.

This particular reader says she wants to be married, but can't commit to anyone (read the comments section of my article, Fear of Intimacy, for the details). She was in an abusive relationship, which is affecting her ability to trust men.

"What shall I do?" she asks.

First, read Overcoming Fear of Intimacy.

Second, don't expect changes to happen overnight. Recognizing that you have a fear of intimacy is one thing (a very healthy thing!), but actually overcoming it is a long, slow process. Sometimes you even move back...but if you keep at it, you'll move forward again.

Third, get a counselor's help if you're overwhelmed with your fear. A counselor has an objective eye, who can help you see yourself more clearly.

Fourth, accept and express your fear. Your fear of intimacy is part of who you are -- just like hating brussel sprouts or liver! And, the more you express it by talking about it with people you trust -- and even your future partner one day -- the easier it'll get.

Fifth, practice sharing who you are, one small step at a time. For some people, fear of intimacy is about being reluctant to share their innermost thoughts and feelings. To overcome your fear, you don't have to share every single little thing about yourself! Start small, with things that matter less. Keep working your way up to the "bigger" things, such as emotional issues.

I hope this helps.......I also recommend reading books and attending workshops. The sooner you start dealing with your fear of intimacy, the happier you'll be! (Thought it will be painful, I admit).

Laurie