Q: How Do I Help My Friend, Who is Being Abused?

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Jul 14, 2009

A reader asked how she can help her friend who is being abused by her boyfriend, on my 4 Different Types of Abuse article. This boyfriend is controlling, manipulative, and jealous -- and his girlfriend can't bring herself to leave him. What can her friend do to help?

Since she can't force (or even convince) her friend to leave, I suggest she:

• Learn as much as she can about emotionally abusive relationships, so she understands how her friend feels and why it's so hard to leave.
• Realize that though it seems like a "no brainer" to leave a violent or abusive man, there are many emotions and issues underneath the surface, which affect a woman's ability to leave.
• Realize that her friend is getting a benefit from this abusive relationship. Maybe she feels like she deserves to be treated that way, or was abused by her own parents, or thinks she's not worthy of being treated well. Whatever her reason, it's powerful enough to keep her with this abusive boyfriend.
• Give her friend books about domestic violence and emotional abuse, or send her links to websites or articles about abuse.
• Be ready for the "straw that broke the camel's back." Sometimes, there's a precipitating factor that motivates abused women to leave relationships: a particularly nasty punch, hitting the kids, family members finding out, coworkers finding out, a certain book, a TV show like Dr Phil or Oprah. To help a friend who is being abused, be ready to help because sooner or later, she might be ready to leave!

Read Domestic Violence on PBS.org, which explains why women don't leave abusive relationships. And, you can simply Google "why women stay in abusive relationships" to learn more.

This article might also help: 7 Signs of Addictive Relationships.

Your friend is lucky she has you. I hope she's able to leave her boyfriend soon! And -- don't feel guilty or bad if you can't help your friend leave that relationships....she has reasons that may not make sense, but that are powerful and compelling her to stay.

If you have any questions or thoughts, I welcome your comments below. I'm sorry I don't have any easy solutions!