Q: How Do I Cope With a Difficult Daughter in Law?

Laurie Pawlik Kienlen, Psychology Feature Writer, Bruce Kienlen

Posted by
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Jul 27, 2009

A reader recently asked how she can cope with her difficult daughter in law without destroying her relationship with her son, on my How to be a Great Mother in Law article. This daughter in law wants to live with her, but she has cancer and marriage issues of her own to deal with. She can't cope with another family in the house, has offered to help with other accommodations, and is feeling pressured to do more.

In this particular situation -- and with all difficult daughters in law -- there are a few things that might help:

First, realize that standing up for yourself (and you have every right to set and maintain your boundaries in your own home) may anger and frustrate your daughter in law. You may already have experienced this, so it's not a big surprise!

Accept the anger or frustration. You can't live in fear of upsetting your daughter in law, so you need to accept that your boundaries may make her angry. You can't make everybody happy all the time; you have to accept that your own personality and life choices may not make your children and in laws happy. It's okay -- most families deal with it and survive just fine!

Stick to your boundaries. You need to put your own health, marriage, and life before your daughter in law's. Share your decisions (eg, not letting your daughter in law live with you), and stick with it. Don't be manipulated into changing your mind.

Don't get drawn in to arguments or power struggles. Say things like "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "I wish I could do more, but I can't." Don't let your own frustration or anger get the better of you.

Let them make their own decisions and live their own lives. When you're coping with a difficult daughter in law, it can be tempting to tell her and your son how they "should" be living their lives. Resist this temptation! Let them spend their money, feed their kids, and make their homes the way they want. Love them, but don't tell them how to live.

Don't talk to your grandchildren about their parents. Keep the kids out of it! They're innocent bystanders, and you'll jeopardize your relationship with them if you involve them.

And, trust that your relationship with your son will be strong enough to survive this. You have a history with him, and his wife may change that -- but he'll in all likelihood eventually reconnect with you. And if not, you have to accept that there's nothing you can do.

While these articles aren't specifically about dealing with difficult daughters in law, they might help: