Q: How Do I Convince My Wife to Increase Our Intimacy Level?

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Jul 13, 2009

A frustrated husband asked, "Why doesn't love conquer all?" and "How can I convince my wife to increase our physical intimacy level?" on my article, When You're a Victim of Sex Abuse.

I don't think love conquering all applies to this situation -- or any abusive situation. What love can or can't do for relationships and people is secondary to the main problem: his wife has trouble with intimacy because of her past.

I suggest getting couples counseling -- preferably with a therapist who specializes in abuse situations. This kind of abuse doesn't just go away; as this husband knows, the effects are far-reaching and long-lasting. Women who were abused can't just turn physical intimacy on, which makes it frustrating for their partners.

The idea behind couples counseling for physical intimacy issues is to find common ground where both partners are happy and satisfied. Only being intimate once in a blue moon isn't healthy -- and neither is a wife who can't enjoy a healthy love life. There are issues of anger, fear, shame, guilt, pain, and worthlessness. All these emotions negative affect her perception of herself, her partner, and being intimate.

If you're dealing with past abuse and physical intimacy issues, I encourage you to talk to a counselor. A healthy love life is crucial to a strong marriage....and it won't happen by just wishing it were so or relying on love to conquer all!

You could also try these 10 Tips for Improving Female Libido -- but remember, a lack of physical desire because of abuse issues isn't easily "cured" by attempts to increase libido.

If you have any questions or thoughts, I welcome your comments below!