How Do I Help My Daughter, Who is in an Abusive Relationship?

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Oct 29, 2009

On my 4 Different Types of Abuse article, a mother asked how she can help her daughter, who is in an abusive relationship. Here are my suggestions for her, and for all parents and friends who want to help their loved ones who are being abused by their partners...

These suggestions are geared towards women in abusive relationships (not teenagers). The reader asked about her teenage daughter -- and one suggestion for her is to learn how to talk to teens. Teenagers are dealing with wild hormone swings, insecurities, anxieties, peer pressure, first-time dating experiences, and the struggle to become adults. A teen may not be receptive to accepting advice about leaving an abusive relationship -- but either are many adult women!

Anyway, here are a few suggestions for parents who want to help their daughters get out of abusive relationships...

Learn all you can about abusive relationships. Women stay in abusive relationships for reasons that aren't always clear to people outside the relationship. To help your daughter, read all you can about why women fall into abusive relationships and why they stay with their partners. And, if she's willing to learn about different types of abuse, share what you're learning with her. Read Help for Surviving Abuse and Abusive Relationships for links to different resources.

If your daughter doesn't talk to you, faciliate connections between her and other people. Is there an aunt, big sister, teacher, pastor, guidance counselor, or someone your daughter respects and will listen to? Talk to that person, then help the two of them connect by inviting the person over for dinner or dessert, or arranging a lunch or dinner date. This is easier if your daughter lives at home.

Recognize that there are stages of leaving an abusive relationship. In 5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship, I describe the stages abused women often go through before -- and after -- they leave. Sometimes it takes time for women to realize that their relationships are unhealthy.

Offer your unconditional love and support. If your daughter is in an abusive relationship, you won't be able to rescue her or "talk sense into her." She is staying with her partner for reasons of her own; in all probability, she knows how you feel about him and their relationship. Instead of talking about their relationship, I suggest telling her that you love her and you'll be there to offer support if she ever needs it. Tell her this every couple of months.

Consider giving her books and information about abusive relationships. This suggestion really depends on the situation! Some women who are being abused welcome information about abusive partners, while others will become offended, defensive, or angry. I don't know how any one particular daughter will respond if a mother gives her information about abusive relationships...but it could help some women.

Learn how women leave abusive relationships. In How Do You Leave a Mentally Abusive Relationship?, I describe five steps to leaving. Your daughter may not be ready to leave yet, but she (hopefully) will some day...and when she is, you'll be ready!

Remember that she'll be letting go of someone she loves. No matter how abusive her partner is, she may be afraid to leave and afraid nobody else will love her. She may think everything he says is true (that she's worthless, undeserving, unlovable, etc -- it's terrible what abusive partners say). Your daughter may even love the man who is abusing her. In letting go of someone you love, I describe how to leave a relationship and heal a broken heart. Information like this will come in handy should your daughter decide to leave the abusive relationship.

If you have any questions or thoughts on being a mom of a daughter in an abusive relationship, please comment below...