Are You Over Your Ex-Boyfriend or Ex-Girlfriend?

Apr 15, 2009 1:25 AM

Guest :

My ex and I broke up a year ago. He left me and it was most painful experience of my life. I am still struggling with our break up, due to the fact that he wont leave me alone. He constantly expresses his love for me and says he hopes one day we will get back together. This still causes me no end of grief. I dont understand why he does this and I dont understand why I listen. If anyone has any advice on the matter I would appreciate some support.

Apr 15, 2009 6:42 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

You listen to him because it's hard to break up and let go of someone you love! It's hard not to take phone calls and read emails from your ex-boyfriend, especially when he's the one who broke up with you.

I think you need to decide if you're serious about moving on. If so, you need to make an advance plan of how you'll deal with his calls, visits, or emails. If you live with a roommate or a family member, you could ask them to help by giving him a standard "she's not available" message or not answering the phone. You could send him one last good-bye email, and block his address.

You have the power to decide if it's time for you to move on and REALLY start getting over your ex-boyfriend, or continue as you are. You can decide what you want to do....you are strong enough to follow through!

If you like, you can write your intentions here. It might help keep you accountable :-)

Jun 17, 2009 11:35 PM

Guest :

Still grieving 8 months on. But things did have to change. I do wish he would have given us a real chance to do that. But he left. He wasn't happy. I have to accept that. Miss him every day. Grieve every day still, but trying to do my best to move on. Low self esteem and self confidence does not help, but I am getting help for that. If only he gave us a real chance. Gone after 10 years. I held on to hope, but there is none left. He wanted to be friends and keep seeing each other, but how could I? I felt so rejected. I know he wasn't happy and we both deserve happiness. Still I feel counselling would have helped us. But he didn't want it. Nothing I can do. Just devastated. Probably moreso because I have only a few friends, which means lonely nights and weekends. Trying to get over it so I can genuinely be happy for him and wish him well. It's hard with mutual friends, most of them were his to start with. How do I keep friends with them?

Jun 18, 2009 7:11 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Maybe you can't stay friends with the friends of your ex-boyfriend.

It might be better to build a new set of friendships, for a variety of reasons: fewer reminders of your ex-boyfriend, fewer updates on his life, more chances to meet new men, the possibility of new activities and a life -- which brings hope and healing!

Friends are often the "victims" of a relationship breakup -- but luckily, there are other amazing people in your area. You need to let go of his friends, and build your own network. Doing this not only helps you get over your ex, it also makes you feel better about yourself. Making new friends will build your self-confidence and boost your self-esteem.

To make new friends (and stop being so lonely and sad!), try joining a new exercise class, walking group, or book club. Check out the single's groups in your area. Read your community or city newspaper for info about events, activities, things you could attend. Going by yourself is scary, but it opens the door to new friendships.

Volunteering is a great way to meet new people and bring new meaning to your life. The more you explore life and who you are, the better you'll feel about yourself -- and the quicker you'll get over your ex!

Good luck, and keep healing!

Jul 21, 2009 5:31 PM

Guest :

I have been on & off with a guy for 3 years now . He broke up with me a year & a half ago with no explanation . We still saw eachother & spent nights together . Then, he started getting with other girls . I still stuck around & would see him because I couldn't stand the thought not to be with him . He had told me multiple times he never wanted to be with me again, never wants to talk to me again, hates me, etc . After thoe words passed, we would hang out again . he then started dating another girl, & would see me in between . When I finally couldn't do it anymore, we stopped for a while . Then one day he started emailing me seeing how I was . Asking what guy I had i my life . & i responded, no guy . he wanted to see me . I saw him & we talked & figured he would finally try & work things out . After a good couple of weeks, the fighting started again . If he was late coming home, or didnt call when he said he was going to, I would call him off the chain until he answered . He told me multiple times not to do that . he would go out to the bars & clubs & wouldnt invite me . I would just wait for him at home . I always thought he was doing something wrong because of how he hurt me in the past so I would call & call & call until he would answer . Finally, he told me i had one week to change . He was going out on night with a good friend that just got back to town & told me he would see me tomorrow & he wanted to have a good night with his friends . I found out an ex girlfriend he used to mess around with was at the same club as him so i called & called & called . he answered screaming at me as usual . the next day, he wouldnt talk to me . the day after, he said we were exchanging our stuff back & that we are finished . he never wants to be with me again & i dont make him happy & i make him nothing but stressed . after we met up & exchanged our stuff i called him off the chain for the next two days . he said he would change his number . i feel as though i cant breathe without him & need help . but that just sounds too much . to go as far as getting help for it . he wont talk to me or have anything to do with me & i dont know what to do with myself . all my friends are busy with their boyfriends so i never ask to hang out because i dont want to see any happy couples . he has tons of friends & always goes out . im afraid that if i go out, he will be with another girl & that would shatter me . what do i do ????? please help ...

Jul 22, 2009 10:26 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

You need to find out who you are without your boyfriend -- or without any man! You have to build your own life, with experiences and hobbies and events and accomplishments that make you happy APART from any other person. The stronger and happier you are in yourself, the faster you'll heal from this breakup -- and the more attractive you'll be to other people.

How do you build your self-esteem and self-identity? You could consider counseling, workshops, support groups, weekend retreats for women, books about finding out who you are...it's a very challenging process to learn about your authentic self -- but it's WORTH it! You can't focus your time, energy, and life on a man. Your life should be bigger than that, my friend.

Laurie

Aug 4, 2009 4:44 PM

Guest :

i broke up with my boyfriend like 2 weeks ago.. we foramally broke up 2 weeks ago but it is like if we were like this like for a month now.. he started having problems and he didn't feel very well about school issues, his parents issues and stuff. and for making it worse someome started gossiping that once i was drunk i started talking shit about him and that's so not true. the thing is we broke up idecided it because if i didn't he wouldn't have done anything about it just keep me waiting and waiting SO i decided to break up with him even though i didn't want to.. well the thing is that my boyfriend became best friend of MY best friend:@ and i hate it i just can't get over it i don't have a problem about htem being friends but she's my best friend and now that im not with my boyfriend anymore they spend so much time together and it hurts i don't know if it's just me being jealous but he calls her more often than he called me, he visit her more often and stuff. im so confused because im not sure if i want to be back with him and neither if eh wants to even though he talks to me like before and stuff :( i can't see them together i just get sick eventhinking about them being together:$ idk why. i miss him so much and i want at least to stay friends with him but .. before we started dating we were friends very good friends not normal(because we always had feelings for each other) but we were pretty close as friends so it hurts that now that we broke up aaaaaaaa idk i just can't get over him what can i do? i even got confused writing this cause there;s so many stuff in my mind :( what can i do? i don't want to lose him nor my best friend.

Aug 4, 2009 7:39 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I'm sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend -- that's rough, especially since he and your friends are still friends. Getting over your ex-boyfriend is hard enough, without him staying in your life!
One of the best ways to get over a breakup is to cut your ex out of your life. This is so difficult when you have mutual friends -- can you imagine being married for 25 or 35 years, and getting divorced then? It's not just about getting over your ex-husband or ex-wife, it's about sorting through your friends and family. You lose loved ones. There's no getting around that, I'm sorry to say.
You're in the middle of a whirlwind of emotions: pain, love, longing, confusion, a broken heart...and it's not the best time to make a decision about your friend or ex-boyfriend. In the future, you might have to choose to stay in contact with one or the other. Or, you might need to stay away from both of them for awhile, until you're strong enough to be in contact without sinking into negative feelings.
In the meantime, I suggest taking a break from both of them. Take a little retreat, give your heart time to heal, and focus on different aspects of your life. In a few months, you'll be able to see a little more clearly. Then, you might have a better idea of what you want to do.
I'd be happy to hear from you in a couple of weeks, after you're able to see more clearly and figure out what you want. Please do feel free to come back then, and let me know how you are!
Best wishes,
Laurie

Aug 18, 2009 10:39 PM

aflorees :

I don't know what to do. So i dated this guy about a year ago and we broke up. Throughout the whole year i always thought about him but i never thought i liked him. I've dated 2 other guys in between that time and i started dating a new guy for a bit over a month. He's great and everything but i recently broke up with him because lately i started talking to that ex again and i feel like i still have feelings for him now. I told my recent ex that i needed a break but i don't know what to do because i wouldn't want to go out with him again with feelings for my other ex. I don't know waht to do.. please help.

Aug 19, 2009 3:20 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

I suggest taking a break from dating altogether! You're obviously confused about your feelings, you aren't over your first boyfriend, and you're having trouble making a decision. That's a sure sign to take a breather!

Building your self-identity apart from men and dating will not only help you get over your ex-boyfriend, it will give you clarity about what you want in life, and from a relationship. Let your mind and heart settle.

Another option is to go back to your ex-boyfriend...but it seems like you're bouncing around without any sense of direction. That's why my first thought for you was to take some time for yourself -- like, 6 months to a year. Trust me, if you're meant to be with any guy, it will happen -- even after a year!

Take care, and have fun finding yourself! Seriously -- have a good time being single, exploring your little corner of the world (or the bigger world!), and making connections with people without worrying about lovers or relationships.

Laurie

Aug 22, 2009 3:01 AM

Guest :

My boyfriend and I were dating for just about a year. Halfway through the relationship I had personal issues so severe that my boyfriend offered to take me under his wing and into his home. We’ve broken up just recently and his reasons were because we were arguing too often due to the fact that he started to get overly irritable at basically everything. I know it had to deal with the fact that we were living together almost too soon and we both seemed to need our own space… I am just heavily concerned because I can truly say he was my first real love alongside my first heartbreak… I want him back. We ended on good terms and he even mentioned that hopefully we will have something in the near future, but I don't want to be so hopeful on those words. Another thing is that within these few days that we’ve been broken, it seems like he’s been heavily going out.. I’m worried. Please Help! & Thank you

Aug 22, 2009 9:26 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

Thanks for sharing your story. I totally understand wanting him back -- he was your first real love, after all -- but I think you should let him go.

Ouch! I know how hard that is to hear. But, you've tried togetherness and living together, and it was too soon. Now, you might want to give him breathing space. Give him a chance to miss you, to remember your best qualities, to maybe pine for you a little bit! He can't do that if you're right in front of him, saying you want to get back together.

Focus on your own life for the next few months. Deal with your personal issues. Becoming healthy on your own as a strong, independent woman is SO important. Not only are healthy, happy women more attractive to other people -- they're healthier and happier!

Don't think of this as losing him forever. Just let go of him for until Christmas or so. You'll miss him and you'll be heartbroken, but this is an excellent opportunity for you to sort out your personal issues. Most (if not all) issues end up damaging relationships, so the sooner you get yours squared away, the better off you'll be. And that will create better relationships in your life.

Good luck...I wish you health and happiness (it WILL come -- it'll just take a little work to get there!).

Laurie

Aug 26, 2009 7:27 PM

Guest :

Thanks! you are so right. (AUG 22nd post)
Ive relocated & its tough not trying to think about him at times. However, as each day passes it gets easier & i have the best of friends keeping my mind occupied, alongside all the blessed opportunities that are on my plate. I do miss him, but that's natural right? hah

All I can do is hope that destiny brings us back. :)
THanks so MUCH Laurie! those words were so reassuring & truly what I needed to hear!!

Aug 29, 2009 4:01 PM

Guest :

hey Laurie:) i wrote you like a month ago about me breaking up with my boyfriend and he becoming bestfriends of my best friend remember. you told me "Please do feel free to come back then, and let me know how you are!" . soo im coming back to you i've tried it not thinking about him i also stayed a little away from him and my bf but the thing is i told her what the problem was because she was like asking me what was wrong and stuff and obviously she knew it was for him.. well the thing is we talked about it(my bf and i) and she was like "im sad that what i do makes you feel bad, he's just my friend and idk what to do...etc"
i've been better since then but i stil think that i have to be apart from him because when im with him he behaves like idk like too cute and it makes me wanting to be with him im confuseed:( i still love him and i know it and i know i musn't . but at the same time i want to be with him if my friends hang out with him i wanna be there too and stufff:( . idk i cannot see other guys i love nobody but him. and i want it to stop. im lost in what i've written sof ar.
thank you

Aug 30, 2009 7:50 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

I'm sorry you're still going through all this....but trust me, it DOES get better! It just takes time to heal and get past the feelings of pain and heartache. Getting over your ex-boyfriend definitely doesn't happen overnight.

Have you heard the phrase, "What we resist, persists"? This means that the more we try to stop feeling something, the stronger that feeling gets. So, instead of trying not to think about your ex-boyfriend, let yourself have 5-10 minutes to mourn your loss. Think about him, miss him, cry for him -- but only for a short time. Then, set it down and move on. Tell yourself you'll go back to crying over him later, but right now you have to go to work, get some exercise, go to school -- whatever you have to do.

The idea is to accept and express your feelings. Don't ignore them or pretend they don't exist. And soon, your feelings of sadness that your relationship is over will begin to fade. Soon, you'll wonder why you were so heartbroken, and you'll be happily flirting with or falling in love with someone new!

Hang in there, my friend. It gets better. You will love and live again!

Best wishes,

Laurie

Oct 2, 2009 4:29 PM

Guest :

I am 28 years old. I lived for 2 years with my fiance in that time,we NEVER MARRIED because after giving me the engagement ring, he realized he was not 100% sure about marrying me, according to him because of the age gap,he is 57 years old now and in that time he was 54. I met a guy on the internet, who is my bf now. He lived in the U.s.A and left his country because of the economical sitaution and also to be with me. I never felt such great love for him, but he is the one that gave me psycological support when I felt like shit, because of the breaking up with my fiance.



NOW we live together and he asked me to marry him, I said YES, but now my ex has come back to me, has been calling me, well since we separated he has never stop calling me, but he knew and told me ( You have to move on), I took his advice and started dating my BF now.


Now My ex fiance, has been trying to get me back, he gave me a new engagement ring, he told me to keep it because that way he will erase the bad memory of the last time he never commiteed to me, so now I have economical issues, I work all day long,my bf gets $ from his parents and seems not to be able to get a job. I am concerned about our future and wonder if it is that my soul mate is my ex??? He is not rich, but he lives Ok, so now I do know. I am the one that supprts my parents that is why I work all day long, so that my parents are Ok, but my bf does not help me out with anything. he just pays the house stuff, but he does not buy me anything, does not help me in anything, what should I do?


Another problem is that one day I slept with my ex and I did not feel good, what does that mean? then, another time I felt good. lately, my bf and me we do not even have sex anymore. I do not know what to think???? I am getting crazy.
My fear is to hurt my bf feelings, leaving him,since he bought new stuff for the house we rent. he does not have anybody in my country. HELP PLEASE

what should I do, stay with my bf or try agian with my ex?

Oct 3, 2009 9:47 PM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi,

I’m afraid I can’t tell you what you can do about your fiancé or ex-boyfriend. Only you can make a decision so big!

My best suggestion is to take a break from both men. It may seem scary and like a bad idea, but it sounds like you need distance from your fiancé and ex-boyfriend, so you can figure out the best way to live your life.

Take 3 or 6 months to get in touch with your mind, heart, and soul. Don’t think about the men in your life, and don’t wrestle with the decision about who to be with. Just LIVE. Figure out who you are and what you want out of life.

The distance may help you see both your fiancé and your ex-boyfriend more clearly, and will help you decide what to do.

Best wishes,
Laurie

Nov 2, 2009 7:26 AM

Guest :

Dear Laurie,

I was in love with a boy for about a year. He was lovely to me and he is a person who has a good heart. And after that year something happened. Within 1 weekend i felt like i lost all my feelings for him and felt terribly depressed. Every single thing he said or did was irritating to me. We both struggled with this for 3 months hoping that something may change. It didn't and I started getting medication for my depression. And I asked for a break, for about 6 months. But before 2 months have passed, he called me to ask how i was. I told him that it's ok if he calls from time to time, because i thought i could control my emotions more. Now 4 months have passed, he calls me once a week or so, and I still don't know what I feel for him.
On one hand, i enjoy talking to him, and on the other hand I feel strange.
My religious values are of a great importance to me and I don't think I could be with someone who doesn't share the same faith and moral values. He did but he also belongs to a certain religious community and being with him means joining the community too, because it's so important for him to serve God in that way. I feel that this would 'enslave' me, that we'd never be able to move out to some other city because of that thing that would bind us here. I'm also scared that I'll never find someone who'll have similar beliefs to mine - it's so hard to find such a person these days - and a person who at the same time will be fun and not boring and would share other interests with me. I don't really know a boy who is like that.
What should I do?
I'm scared to talk to my exboyfriend, fearing that this may lead him on. And I suffer knowing that he's waiting for me, and for me to come up with a certain decision (if we are together or not) and I don't know what I want. We're meant to talk about it in 2-3 months and i'm petrified.
Sometimes I wonder whether i shouldn't just break up for good and leave it behind and start my life all over again without worrying about this. But then all the lovely and good memories of the past stop me.
Please help me, I think about this way too much than I should.
Alice

Nov 3, 2009 10:21 AM

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen :

Hi Alice,

I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time moving on with your life. Breaking up is definitely hard to do. Very painful and heartbreaking.

Often, it’s better if people who break up their relationship don’t see or talk to each other until a good amount of time has passed. How much time needs to pass before people can talk to each other again depends on the individuals, the reasons for breaking up

Remember, your ex-boyfriend will be fine if you don’t get back together with him. Yes, he may love you and want the relationship back, but you have to take the pressure off yourself! You need to be able to take the space and time to decide what to do without feeling so overwhelmed, scared, and confused.

First, I suggest you tell your boyfriend that you need 4 or 6 months of no contact at all. Tell him you get confused and overwhelmed when you talk, so you just need some time for yourself. There is nothing wrong with this.

Second, I suggest you soothe yourself by telling yourself things like, “There IS enough time for me to decide what I want to do with this relationship, so I can take a deep breath and relax,” and “There ARE other boys out there, so I don’t need to rush into anything. If this relationship is meant to be, it’ll still be there in 4 months.”

Keep taking deep breaths and reminding yourself that everything is going to be fine. Maybe even better than fine! You’re going through a tough time, breaking up with your boyfriend and then getting over him…and the future will take care of itself. Right now, you just focus on healing, calming down, and getting back in touch with who you are.

Best wishes,
Laurie

Nov 6, 2009 8:33 AM

Guest :

hello, well i been with this guy four like a year 0r 10months! He has been my longets relationship! I love him so much and i miss him too.I got to omitted that i do beg him to come back to me but, im starting to stop that. he broke up with me i was just full of pain tears in my eyes and i have cry four him every night now and then but he doesnt now that cause i dont tell him. Right now he is with somebody als... but he told me 'he regets brakeing up with me and we are going to get back to gether soon' what is that mean like does he really means it?? what do i do really i need help! i told him how i fell and stuff. and he miss me and stuff. but he tell's me he dont now how to brake up with her. a nd i also ask him do you really like he and he tells me no! so i really dont now what to do!!! I dont want to lose him i want him back! even dow he is with some other girl i still go feelings for him and all! And that girl got between me and my ex! and he also tells me 'I now what im doing' And I wrote him a letter and he tock it sireous! I just miss him so much and I would like him to give me other chanes please help me!