Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's Blog

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

On my Recognizing the Signs of Depression article, a reader asked how to help a friend who has struggled with depression for three years. The friend denies that she's depressed and won't get professional help.

How do you help a friend or family member who is depressed?

Learn as much as you can about the different types of depression. There's seasonal affective disorder, postpartum depression, bipolar disorder, double depression, dysthymia...and different types of depression have different treatments. To learn more about the different types of depression, go to Resources for Overcoming Depression.

Remember that friends or family members who are depressed have no energy. Lack of motivation, listless, fatigue, withdrawal -- those common signs of depression make it difficult for people to get help! It can quickly turn into a negative downward spiral: the depression makes them unmotivated/listless, and then the listlessness makes them even more depressed. To help a friend or family member, remember that depression is a dark, difficult thing to get out from under. It takes time and commitment.

Avoid being an "enabler" for depression. This is where tough love comes in. If you want to help your depressed friend or family member, you need to be firm and clear about your boundaries. For instance, does your friend spend most of your time together crying, moaning, sighing, or complaining about life? Then you need to decide how much of this you can tolerate (we all should be able to vent to our friends or family -- just not for hours!), and express that time limit to your friend. You could say something like, "I love spending time with you, and would like our time together to focus on the positive things in our lives, not just the negative."

Express how depression is affecting your friendship. Do you find it difficult to be with your friend or family member because of the symptoms of depression? Describe how you feel, such as sad that your friend can't, for instance, get out of bed until noon. Maybe you feel afraid for or worried about her children. Be honest and matter of fact. No guilt trips or anger....just honesty. If your partner is depressed, read How to Cope With Your Partner's Depression. A depressed spouse has a whole different effect on a relationship than a depressed friend or family member.

Figure out why your friend won't admit depression, and de-stigmatize it. Sometimes people who refuse to admit they're depressed feel ashamed and embarrassed. To make depression less daunting, give your friend information that makes depression less of a stigma. There are some funky, trendy books and websites about depression -- steer your friend in that direction. Or, point out celebrities or movie stars who've overcome depression (if your friend or family member is impressed by celebrities or movie starts!). If you can learn why your friend denies depression, then you might have an easier time de-stigmatizing it.

Accept that there might be nothing you can do to help a depressed friend. Unfortunately, you can't force anyone to get help for depression. Sometimes there's nothing you can do, other than be a constant source of support and love. You can offer resources, but you can't make people better. People operate on their own timetables...they simply may not be ready to deal with their depression yet. Tell them that when they are ready, you'll be there to help them.

If you think your friend or family member is struggling with seasonal affective disorder, read Resources for Seasonal Depression.

And if you have specific questions about helping a friend or family member with depression, please comment below.

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

On my Signs of Mental Illness article, a reader said he/she has many signs of mental health problems, and doesn't know what to do. If you're in the same situation -- and we all have mental and emotional health problems at different times in our lives! -- here are a few suggestions...

If you think you have a mental health problem:

• Find the courage to talk about your symptoms (eg, sleeplessness, feelings of worthlessness, instrusive thoughts, feelings of anxiety or panic, etc). You can't cope with a possible mental health issue unless you start talking about it.
• If you're uncomfortable with asking for help, read How Do I Ask For Help With Depression? This article may help reduce feelings of discomfort.
• Make an appointment with your doctor, a counselor, or a psychologist. It's a scary step to take, but the sooner you take control and start focusing on healing, the better you'll feel!
• Read Help fo Psychological Disorders - it's a brief summary of three types of therapy: Psychoanalysis, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, and Biomedical Treatments. This article may help you figure out how you want to handle your possible mental health problem.

Remember -- emotional and mental health issues are more common than you think! At some point in our lives, we'll all face instability. The healthiest thing to do is to accept that you're struggling with your mental health (just like physically ill people struggle with their physical health) -- and seek help as quickly as possible. Why live with your symptoms longer than you have to?

Also, PsychCentral is one of my favorite sources of psychology info on the internet. Go there and browse; you may find some useful information about coping with mental health issues!

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

A reader asked an important relationship question ("How do I know if I should break up with my boyfriend?") on my What is Emotional Cheating? article. Though I can't answer that question for her, I can offer some general guidelines about relationships that may (or may not have a future).

It is a good idea to break up with your boyfriend when:

• he's not treating you right mentally, physically, or emotionally
• he mistreats your children, family members, or friends
• you don't feel good about yourself or accepted in the relationship
• you have totally different personalities (although extroverts and introverts in love can have a healthy, happy relationship)
• you're staying in the relationship because you feel guilty, pressured, or afraid to be alone
• you're cheating on him emotionally or physically
• he's cheating on your emotionally or physically
• you don't think you can love him the way he deserves
• you don't want to be physically or emotionally intimate with him
• you and he have different goals in life
• you can't see yourself married to him, or you're marrying him because you want to be married
• you're not friends with your boyfriend (because passion comes and goes!)

For help breaking up with someone you don't want to hurt, read How to Break Up With Your Boyfriend.

If you're worried that your boyfriend will be depressed or devastated about the breakup, read How to Stop Feeling Guilty Over a Relationship Breakup.

You may also want to read Letting Go of Someone You Love -- because even if you're the one doing the breaking up, you may still feel sad afterwards.

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

On my When a Friendship is Over article, a reader asked for ways to deal with the end of a friendship. Here are a few suggestions, plus links to articles about healing female friendships and toxic friendships.

If you're dealing with the end of a toxic friendship (and ending even toxic friendships can be painful!), remember that it's healthier for you to be clear of the relationship. It may feel bad or difficult to let your friend go, but if you focus on the ways your life will improve, you might feel better.

Remind yourself of the frustrations - of why the friendship had to end. When we lose someone, we tend to "idealize" them or think of only their good qualities. To remember that the friendship ended for a good reason, it can help to stay realistic about it.

Allow yourself time to grieve. Dealing with the end of a friendship involves the stages of grief that accompany any loss in life: anger, shock, denial, acceptance, etc. You won't lose your friend and suddenly be fine again! For help with loss, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love.

Decide if your friendship is really over. Sometimes friendships go through ups and downs, but they're not over quite yet. If you think you and your friend might reconcile, read Healing Female Friendships - Michelle Obama.

If your friendship is over, seek closure. Closure means saying good-bye, either formally (eg, reading a poem or eulogy at a funeral) or informally (releasing a bunch of balloons into the air). To find closure for your friendship, you can go to the park where you and your friend always jogged or have a final meal at a restaurant you shared. You can write a good-bye letter or email -- you don't necessarily have to send it. Sometimes it helps to say good-bye to your friend -- even if she doesn't know you're saying goode-bye.

If you have any thoughts or questions about these suggestions for dealing with the end of a friendship, please responde below....

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

On my Physical Effects of Child Abuse article, a 13 year old teenager asked what to do about his dad, who is abusing him physically. If you're in the same situation -- or a friend is -- here are a few suggestions...

When you're being abused by your parents:

• Tell another adult (teacher, guidance counselor, neighbor, pastor, coach, family members, any responsible adult) -- and keep telling until you get help.
• Visit ChildHelp.org
• Call the Childhelp National Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD
• Call your local distress line or help line for kids
• Call Social Services or Child Protective Services

For emotional help when you're a teenager who is being abused, read Help for Surviving Abuse and Abusive Relationships.

And even though the abuse may be happening right now, you might find Ways to Cope With Past Child Abuse helpful.

If you think you're dealing with depression because of the abuse, read Solutions for Depressed or Anxious Teens.

I'm very sorry you're being physically or emotionally abused or neglected. It's very sad and painful -- and the best thing you can do is to find an adult who can support and help you.

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

On my 4 Different Types of Abuse article, a mother asked how she can help her daughter, who is in an abusive relationship. Here are my suggestions for her, and for all parents and friends who want to help their loved ones who are being abused by their partners...

These suggestions are geared towards women in abusive relationships (not teenagers). The reader asked about her teenage daughter -- and one suggestion for her is to learn how to talk to teens. Teenagers are dealing with wild hormone swings, insecurities, anxieties, peer pressure, first-time dating experiences, and the struggle to become adults. A teen may not be receptive to accepting advice about leaving an abusive relationship -- but either are many adult women!

Anyway, here are a few suggestions for parents who want to help their daughters get out of abusive relationships...

Learn all you can about abusive relationships. Women stay in abusive relationships for reasons that aren't always clear to people outside the relationship. To help your daughter, read all you can about why women fall into abusive relationships and why they stay with their partners. And, if she's willing to learn about different types of abuse, share what you're learning with her. Read Help for Surviving Abuse and Abusive Relationships for links to different resources.

If your daughter doesn't talk to you, faciliate connections between her and other people. Is there an aunt, big sister, teacher, pastor, guidance counselor, or someone your daughter respects and will listen to? Talk to that person, then help the two of them connect by inviting the person over for dinner or dessert, or arranging a lunch or dinner date. This is easier if your daughter lives at home.

Recognize that there are stages of leaving an abusive relationship. In 5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship, I describe the stages abused women often go through before -- and after -- they leave. Sometimes it takes time for women to realize that their relationships are unhealthy.

Offer your unconditional love and support. If your daughter is in an abusive relationship, you won't be able to rescue her or "talk sense into her." She is staying with her partner for reasons of her own; in all probability, she knows how you feel about him and their relationship. Instead of talking about their relationship, I suggest telling her that you love her and you'll be there to offer support if she ever needs it. Tell her this every couple of months.

Consider giving her books and information about abusive relationships. This suggestion really depends on the situation! Some women who are being abused welcome information about abusive partners, while others will become offended, defensive, or angry. I don't know how any one particular daughter will respond if a mother gives her information about abusive relationships...but it could help some women.

Learn how women leave abusive relationships. In How Do You Leave a Mentally Abusive Relationship?, I describe five steps to leaving. Your daughter may not be ready to leave yet, but she (hopefully) will some day...and when she is, you'll be ready!

Remember that she'll be letting go of someone she loves. No matter how abusive her partner is, she may be afraid to leave and afraid nobody else will love her. She may think everything he says is true (that she's worthless, undeserving, unlovable, etc -- it's terrible what abusive partners say). Your daughter may even love the man who is abusing her. In letting go of someone you love, I describe how to leave a relationship and heal a broken heart. Information like this will come in handy should your daughter decide to leave the abusive relationship.

If you have any questions or thoughts on being a mom of a daughter in an abusive relationship, please comment below...

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

On my Overcoming Binge Eating and Bulimia article, a woman asked for help with overcoming her eating disorder, which is binging and purging. She'll be going to grad school soon, has to share a bathroom, and needs to overcome her bulimia quickly.

Here are a few thoughts about quickly overcoming binge eating, bulimia, or any eating disorder:

Overcoming eating disorders takes time and effort. This isn't easy to say, my friend, but I don't think you can overcome binge eating or builimia quickly. I think it's like alcoholism: many people with eating disorders are always "recovering." They're not necessarily "recovered" -- and if they do call themselves recovered, it doesn't often happen quickly.

Discuss a major life change with your counselor. Graduate studies is a remarkable achievement! Congratulations on being accepted and having the motivation to pursue grad work. You mentioned that you'll have to share a bathroom, which is why you want to overcome builimia quickly....I encourage you to talk to your eating disorders specialist before you embark on this major life change. I'm not saying you shouldn't go to grad school. But, grad work is stressful...and eating disorders like bulimia or binging are sometimes triggered by stress and anxiety. I think you should talk to your counselor before starting grad school.

Identify your triggers. What compels you to binge and purge? Be very specific about how you feel when you're struggling with an attack of bulimia. What happened to create the urge? What event, what person, what situation makes you want to soothe yourself by eating? Knowing your triggers will help you cope with and overcome the urge to binge eat and purge.

Put your support system in place. If you are embarking on a major life change, such as grad school, I encourage you to set yourself up for success! Take control of your eating disorder by scheduling regular appointments with your eating disorders specialist or a school counselor. Tell a friend or two about your struggles with bulimia, and ask them to help you by letting you talk through your anxieties, fears -- whatever your triggers are. Start journaling about your bulimia and the feelings that lead to it. Learn other ways to "self-soothe", such as calling your mom or best friend, getting a massage from a loved one, watching your favorite movie, or listening to music you love.

I wish I could help you overcome bulimia or any eating disorder quickly, but I can't. I also encourage you to read up about eating disorders -- I'm reading Feeding the Starving Mind by Doreen Samelson -- it's an excellent resource for people who are overcoming anorexia, bulimia, and other obsessive compulsive tendencies.

Articles About Eating Disorders: Binge Eating, Builimia, and Anorexia

How Do I Overcome the Urge to Binge and Purge? - is a Psychology blog post that answers a 16 year old's question about overcoming bulimia.

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder - describes body dysmorphic disorder, and offers suggestions for coping with it.

How Do I Overcome Emotional Eating? - another Psychology blog, which offers two ways to overcome the urge to binge. One you figure out why you're compelled to binge and purge, you're more likely to overcome it.

Articles About Eating Disorders - offers a long list of articles about anorexia, bulimia, emotional eating, and sleep eating disorders.

If you have any questions or thoughts on overcoming binge eating or bulimia, please comment below...

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

If you need help for coping with and grieving your dog or cat loss, you're not alone. On my 8 Ways to Cope With Pet Loss article, a reader described her terrible, sad experience of accidentally running over her dog. Not only is she grieving the loss of her dog, she's experiencing terrible guilt.

I hope these articles help with the loss of your dog or cat. It takes time to get over those painfully sad feelings of grief, but they do fade. It's the first few weeks and months that are the most difficult and the most painful.

Help for Coping With and Grieving Dog or Cat Loss

4 Ways to Cope With the Guilt of Your Pet's Death - describes the feelings of guilt or shame, and offers ways to overcome them.

Dealing With Guilty Feelings After Your Dog or Cat Dies - is a similar article as the one above, but lists different types of help for coping with and grieving dog or cat loss.

Tips for Coping When Your Dog Dies - describes eleven ways to cope with pet loss, from planting a rose garden to setting up a pet memorial.

Coping With the Death of Your Dog or Cat - offers the experience of veterinarians who have lost their own pets. This help for coping with and grieving dog or cat loss includes suggestions for grieving.

Grief and the Mourning Process - describes the normal responses to the death of a loved one (and a dog or cat is a loved one!), and offers four ways to mourn in a healthy way.

If you have any thoughts or questions on these articles about coping with and grieving dog or cat loss, please comment below.

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

If you have introverted personality traits -- like I do! -- then you want to ensure you're aware of the jobs and careers for introverts. Here are a few suggestions, plus links to articles about professional networking for people with introverted personality traits.

First, you have to check out this article I wrote, called Are Introverts Normal? I was recently interviewed by a college students for an article about people with introverted personality traits, and I was astonished at the misperceptions he had about introverts.

Jobs and Careers for Introverts

Turn your hobby into a money maker -- When I wrote How Hobbies Become Money Making Careers, I realized how perfect it is for people with introverted personality traits to identify what they love doing, and find a way to make money doing it.

Write, research, edit, copyedit -- I'm a full-time freelance writer and blogger, and I love being home alone all day! I could work alone for weeks at a time. The internet is perfect, because I do have an immediate connection with people via Twitter, forums, blogs, Facebook, etc -- and it requires far less energy than face-to-face contact. A great career or job for introverts is something that doesn't require social interaction.

Management or administration -- Depending on the organization, employees, and job, a management level position can take you out of the "line of fire" and into your own office. Some administrators and managers never see people, which is a perfect job or career for introverts!

Okay, I admit I'm having trouble coming up with more careers or jobs for introverts. I need to do some research and come back to this blog post. If you have any ideas, please comment below.

Articles for Businesspeople With Introverted Personality Traits

7 Job Interview Strategies for Introverts will help you land the job when you finally find the one you want!

Tips for Networking Successfully for Introverts describes six ways to further your career without forcing yourself to act like an introvert.

The Key to Success for Female Entrepreneurs isn't just for female entrepreneurs. It's an article about finding the secret to job and career success!

Leadership Tips for Introverts is perfect for people with introverted personality traits who are in leadership positions.

If you have any thoughts or questions on these jobs and careers for introverts, please comment below!

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

On my Psychological Disorders article, a reader described her various family members' struggle with mental illness. She's not alone -- many of us are coping with family members who have psychological disorders, ranging from depression to phobias.

Here are several links to articles for people who are coping with family members who have psychological disorders. If you can't find what you're looking for here, please comment or ask a question below; I'll try to help you find what you're looking for!

First, though, here are a few suggestions for dealing with psychological disorders in family members:

• Remember that you can't solve the problem. We often want to "fix" our family members or solve all their problems...but we can't. We can only provide helpful resources, and be loving and supportive (tough love may be necessary!).
• Accept your family member for who he or she is. If your loved one has schizophrenia or bulimia, you may fall into the "I wish things were different" trap. Instead of thinking about how the person was when healthy, focus on accepting him or her for who she is right now.
• Learn all you can about the disorder. Some mental health issues are easier to accept when you know why they occurred (sometimes because of genetic or chemical unbalances), how many people have them, and what the treatments are.
• Join a support group. If your family member is struggling with schizophrenia, then join a local schizophrenia support group if you can. You'll find the support and information you need to help you deal with your reactions and your loved one's disorder.

Articles About Partners With Psychological Disorders

How to Help When Your Partner is Depressed describes signs of depression, plus how a spouse or partner can help.

Obsessive Compulsive Personality Traits describes the symptoms and treatments of obsessive compulsive disorder -- and offers info about anxiety disorders.

Articles About Family Members With Psychological Disorders

8 Ways to Decrease Caregiver Stress offers help for people who are taking care of physically or mentally ill loved ones.

Help for Depressed Teens is geared towards the teenager struggling with depression, but provides help for people who know a depressed teen.

3 Tips for Adult Children of Difficult Parents discusses how to deal with toxic or difficult parents -- not necessarily ones with psychological disorders.

Treating Phobias in Children describes a new combination of treatments for anxiety and phobias in chidren.

6 Ways to Help an Alcoholic Sibling is based on a book written by a woman who had personal experience with alcoholism and siblings.

Helping Someone Who Has a Psychological Disorder offers several suggestions for coping with a mental illness in someone you love.

If you have any questions or comments, please share below...

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

On my How to Stop Emotional Eating article, a reader said she eats all the time and still isn't satisfied. She's worried about gaining weight, and wants to know how to stop emotional eating.

These articles about emotional eating may help break the cycle:

Why Food Makes You Feel Happy describes why emotional eaters are hooked on certain foods and why sick people crave foods like chicken noodle soup.

How Do I Overcome Emotional Eating? is my response to a reader who wants to stop eating out of anxiety and fear. I offer a few suggestions for stopping the urge to eat for emotional reasons.

Satiety Tips - How to Feel Full Without Overeating offers practical tips to feel physically full. These are good suggestions that complement the goal of stopping emotional eating.

8 Best Ways to Lose Weight is my favorite article about weight loss, because it's based on my slim husband's natural tips for eating healthy! This article isn't about emotional eating as such, but it could help people struggling with the mind-body connection.

Overcoming Bulimia lists several ways to stop binge eating and bulimia; these tips also work for emotional eating.

Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder explains this psychological condition and explains why treatments for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder may effectively treat Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

If you have any questions or thoughts on these article about emotional eating, please comment below...

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

On my Surviving an Extramarital Affair article, a reader asked if she should talk to her husband about a possible affair he had in the past. They were separated a year ago, and she recently found phone bills that point to the possibility that he had an affair (or at least contact with) another woman during the separation.

Should she talk to her husband about it? Yes, I think so -- because if she doesn't, it'll haunt her throughout their marriage. And, if she doesn't talk to her husband about this possible past affair in a calm, rational, planned manner, she may bring it up in an argument out of angry or hurt feelings.

I know a woman whose husband loved someone 50 years ago, before they got married. This wife never asked him about this other woman he loved, for a variety of reasons. Now, 50 years later, she still wonders about his first love, why they broke up, and who she was.

If you're talking to your husband about a possible past affair, do:

• ask what needs he was trying to fill. Was he lonely, unsatisfied, stressed, or unwilling to ask for what he needed or wanted from you, from the marriage? You might find Why Men Cheat helpful.
• try not to take it personally. This was in the past, and it isn't an indication of the health of your marriage now.
• express your anger, fear, hurt, disappointment, or other feelings to him. Share how you feel -- not on what he did wrong. Read Resolving Conflict in Marriage for help.
• resolve to put it behind you. I know "letting it go" is easier said than done, but it's a choice that can improve your marriage and emotional health.
• decide if couples counseling is an option. If the past affair -- possible or real -- is affecting your marriage and you can't get past it, then consider marriage counseling. An objective third person can help you see your marriage and issues more clearly.

I also suggest focusing on surviving an emotional affair, not on blaming or criticizing. Sometimes, a shift in focus can make a dramatic difference when you're trying to save your marriage!

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

On my Signs of Depression article, many depressed teens comment about their feelings of depression and their frustration that their parents either don't believe they're depressed or won't listen. Here are a few tips for depressed teens who have parents who don't believe they're depressed, plus a few links to articles about teenage depression.

When your parents don't believe you're a depressed teenager...

• Talk to someone else who can help, such as a coach, guidance counselor, aunt or uncle, or teacher.
• Remember that antidepressants or psychological counseling isn't always the answer. The last depressed teen who commented in my Signs of Depression article mentioned that his or her parents refused to give antidepressants or take him or her to a therapist. Though antidepressants and therapy are often very effective ways to treat teen depression, they may not work in all cases. Just remember that there are other ways to overcome depression -- it's not all about antidepressants or therapy!
• Learn all you can about depression, treatments for depression, and causes of depression. The more you know about your depressed feelings, the more empowered you'll feel. Feeling empowered and understanding depression can help lift it.
• Consider Seasonal Affective Disorder. If you're struggling with Seasonal Affective Disorder, the treatment may be as simple as getting more sunlight! Read Signs and Treatments for Seasonal Affective Disorder for more info.
• Ask your parents why they don't believe you're depressed. Really think about their answer, and prepare a logical, well thought out answer if you disagree with them. Be prepared to share all you can about your feelings of depression.
• Learn how to deal with stress. Coping with stress involves eating nutritious foods, getting enough sleep, handling conflict successfully, and dealing with life problems. Those stress management techniques can also help reduce feelings of depression, anxiety, and sadness. Try to reduce the amount of stress in your life, and you may ease the depression a little.

Articles About Teenage Depression

• Solutions for Depressed or Anxious Teens
• Help for Depressed Teenagers
• Treatments for Teenagers With Depression

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

A reader asked how she can convince her husband that she's faithful, on my Resources for Emotional Infidelity and Cheating blog post. She's has not cheated on him in six years of marriage, but he thinks she's been unfaithful.

Here are a few suggestions for convincing her husband that she's faithful, plus links to articles about emotional cheating.

How Do I Convice My Husband I'm Faithful?

Figure out the roots of his suspicions of cheating. Why is he so prone to believing you're cheating on him? Perhaps he was betrayed or hurt in the past by a parther, or his parents cheated on each other. Or, perhaps he doesn't feel worthy of a strong, healthy marriage. Identifying the cause of your husband's suspicions and distrust can help him learn to trust you -- but he has to be willing to think about his past.

Determine if your husband has mental or emotional health issues. If your husband accuses you of cheating with people you don't recall meeting (such as his coworkers), then there may be deeper, more problematic emotional issues to deal with.

Suggest marriage counseling. A counselor can give you an objective perspective on your marriage, and help both you and your husband see how (or if) you can save your marriage. A marriage counselor might also help your husband see that his suspicions of you cheating are groundless -- or coming from a different fear or experience.

Consider the idea that you can't convince your husband you're faithful. Sometimes people believe what they want or need to believe, and they can't be convinced otherwise. If you've been trying to prove your fidelity or faithfulness for years without success, then it may be time to think about the idea that you won't be able to do it. Maybe it's time to consider leaving your husband.

If you're willing to work on your marriage together, you can convince your husband that you're faithful. Read 10 Ways to Improve a Bad Relationship for a helpful ways to save your marriage.

More articles about marriage, relationships, and love affairs:

• 10 Tips for Talking to Your Spouse
• Avoiding Emotional Infidelity
• 11 Tips for Fighting Fair in Marriage

I hope this helps, and that your husband can learn to trust and cherish you -- and stop believing that you're cheating on him!

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Grieving pet loss is sad and painful; this list of articles about pet loss might help you deal with the loss of your beloved dog or cat. I pulled this list together because a reader recently asked about how to make the hurt stop on my 8 Ways to Cope With Pet Loss article.

Articles About Pet Loss Grief

Dealing with guilt because your dog or cat died is hard. If you're struggling with guilt, you might find 4 Ways to Deal With Guilty Feelings After Your Cat or Dog Dies helpful. I also wrote about coping with the guilt of your pet's death. Pet owners often feel guilty for putting their pet to sleep, or not recognizing signs of illness early enough.

Coping with pet loss grief can take time. Several readers on Coping With the Death of Your Dog or Cat say that they felt terrible when their pet first passed, but they learned to be happy again. They describe what helped them deal with their pet loss.

There are specific things you can do to ease your pet loss grief, and I list them in Tips for Coping When Your Dog Dies. It's important to let yourself grief your loss -- and avoid people who say "it's just a cat" or "you can get another dog at the pound!"

Pet loss is especially difficult over the holidays. If you're dealing with pet loss during the holidays, you might find Coping With Pet Loss at Christmas helpful. Sometimes the holidays can be a welcome distraction when you've lost your pet; other times, the holidays just make things worse!

If you have any questions or comments about pet loss grief, please respond below...

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

A college student recently asked for help on my Recognizing the Signs of Depression article. Here are a few thoughts, plus links to articles that offer help for depressed college students...

Help for Depressed College Students

Accept the "ups and downs" of life. Since I don't know your exact circumstances or type of depression, I can't speak specifically to you -- but I do know that emotional ups and downs are a normal part of any adult's life. You will have great days, and you will have bad days. Even the happiest, sunniest, lightest personalities deal with periods of sadness and meloncholy....it's just part of being human, and of human angst.

Be prepared for the emotional lows or periods of depression. If you know you have cycles of good and bad days, then prepare for those bouts of depression. What helped you cope with depression in the past? Set yourself up to deal with your depression by

Figure out the extent of your depression. Are you clinically depressed, as diagnosed by a psychologist or doctor? Are you prone to bouts of meloncholy and existential angst, but not necessarily "depressed" as defined by a doctor? Do you struggle with seasonal affective disorder? (If you don't know, read Signs and Treatments of Seasonal Affective Disorder). Have you struggled with depression all your life? The sooner you figure out the type of depression you're dealing with, the sooner you can find the treatment that works.

Figure out how your external circumstances affect your mood. Sometimes our environments -- where we live, who we live with, how much and the type of energy we're surrounded with -- contributes to depression. And, sometimes depression comes from our own selves (genetics, personality, hormonal makeup). Or, it could be a combination of the two. This is why it's important to figure out the cause of your depression! But, your depression may be lifted if you change your external circumstances -- such as moving back home if you live in a dorm. Or it may not matter where you live....this is something you need to figure out; a counselor, objective family member, or wise, mature peer might help with that.

Articles for Depressed College Students

• How Do I Ask for Help for Depression?
• 7 Tips for Achieving Your Goals in College or University
• Tips for Student Success in College
• Resources for Overcoming Depression

If you're seriously depressed, please get help from the health organization on your campus! Reading articles about depression is good for college students, but it won't necessarily end depression.

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

A reader recently asked how to leave a bad relationship on my 4 Different Types of Abusive Relationships article. Here are my suggestions for her, plus a few links to other articles about leaving someone you love, who isn't good for you.

How to Leave a Bad Relationship

If you're being abused, it might be more complicated to leave your partner. For more information, read Help for Battered Women.

Get an outside perspective of your relationship. Sometimes, when we're in the midst of the whirlwind of a bad relationship, we can't see it for what it is. And, we get trapped into staying and "forgiving and forgetting" -- even when we know better. Getting an outside perspective of a bad relationship from a friend, relative, counselor, pastor, or any person we know and respect can be an effective way to leave.

Accept that it's hard to leave even a bad relationship. Leaving our comfort zones -- even if they're bad relationships -- is difficult. It's hard to leave what we know and jump into the insecurity of the unknown. To leave a bad relationship, realize that you're not necessarily afraid to leave your PARTNER...you're just scared of the unknown of moving on and starting over.

Figure out why you're not respecting yourself. Sometimes we stay in bad relationships because we don't respect or love ourselves, because people earlier in our lives taught us that we're unlovable -- or that we don't deserve to be loved. Is this why you're in a bad relationship? I don't know...but the sooner you figure out what's keeping you there, the sooner you'll be able to let go of that partner.

Here are a few links to articles about leaving bad relationships:

• Women Considering Divorce - Signs It's Time to Leave Your Husband
• 5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship
• How to Let Go of Someone You Love

I hope this helps, and that you can leave the relationship, start healing, and learn to love yourself!

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

I just found a newspaper article about Halloween that said that kids will soon be rummaging around in the attic or basement for their Halloween costumes! This article was written more than 50 years ago -- today, kids don't always find their costumes in attics or basements...they find them in Halloween stores.

Whether you'll be looking for your Halloween costume on the internet or in your attic, this list of articles about Halloween costumes, decorating ideas, and fun activities will help you plan a boo-tastic October 31...

First, some articles about Halloween and psychology -- because the psychology beneath Halloween costumes is eerie!

What Halloween Costumes Reveal About Personality Traits - your Hallowen mask can reveal more about your personality than you care to admit.

Halloween Costumes for Introverts - because people with introverted personality traits may not enjoy being the center of attention (on October 31 or any other time of the year!).

Halloween Costumes for Women, Men, and Children

Dressing up for Halloween is the best part of October 31 -- and even better than the dressing up is planning your costume! Here are some articles that will ease the process...

Creative Halloween Costumes for Women, Girls, and Couples - one of my most popular articles ever -- and not just in October! People search for Halloween costume ideas all year round.

Halloween Costume Tips for Overweight People and Pregnant Women - because a reader asked for some of the best ideas for costumes for plus-sized people.

I especially like the idea of a Halloween costume exchange party, which allows you to recycle your old costumes and find new ones -- free!

Halloween Ideas for Parties

Halloween parties are becoming more elaborate, but they don't have to be expensive. You can cut down on expenses by asking guests to bring appetizers, making Halloween decorations from stuff around the house, and keeping the alcoholic beverages to a minimum.

Halloween Ideas: Props, Activities, and Stuff for October 31 - this article includes ideas for Halloween cookies, trick or treating, party decorations, and Halloween music.

Creative Halloween Decorations for Parties on October 31 - from naturally rotting pumpkins to creative ways to use toilet paper rolls, this Halloween article reveals a melting pot of ideas.

Ideas for Halloween Theme Parties - because a Halloween party with a theme (eg, the Monster Mash Bash) is much more fun than a boring old Halloween party.

If you have any questions or thoughts on these Halloween ideas for costumes, themes, or activities -- please comment below!

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

On my How to Stop Being a People Pleaser article, a reader asked a question about her boss, who is a psychological bully. "I want to master myself and prove to myself that if I ever come across another person like this that I won't put up with it." She wants to know how she can confront a boss who bullies.

Here are a few suggestions, plus a list of articles for employees...

1. Take an assertiveness class or workshop. One of the best ways to learn to be more assertive at work (and in life in general) is to practice in real life! Assertiveness training classes or workshops give you information as well as the opportunity to role model what you're learning, and get specific feedback.

2. Start small when you're dealing with a boss who bullies! Standing up for yourself can be difficult, especially when it's your boss. But it's possible to assert yourself at work without making enemies. I recommend starting with little things and working your way up to the bigger issues.

3. Teach people how to treat you. One of my favorite life lessons is that you have to teach people how to treat you. People -- bosses, parents, partners, or strangers -- push boundaries and sometimes try to take advantage of others. But, they can't get away with behaviors that you don't allow! That is, people can't treat you poorly unless you let them. Always remember that when you let people push you around, you're teaching them that you accept that behavior.

4. Remember that you'll have to be repetitive. This reader who asked about standing up to a bullying boss in "How to Stop Being a People Pleaser" mentioned that she confronted her boss once already. But, clearly once is not enough! To stand up to a boss who bullies, you have to be prepared to keep standing up for yourself...eventually he or she will get the hint.

You could also consider getting a new job. Read How to Successfully Change Careers for tips!

Articles for Employees

• 9 Tips for Improving Communication Skills
• How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty
• Psychological Bullying
• Workplace Bullying
• Increase Your Job Satisfaction

If you have any questions or thoughts on these ways to stand up to a boss who bullies, please comment below...

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

I've rounded up articles to help children with psychological disorders, because a reader recently asked a question on my What Is and Who Gets Schizophrenia? article.

The question was about recent research that "proves" that low birth rate babies are more likely to suffer from psychological disorders. Research from Michigan State University showed that infants less than 5.5 pounds may be at a higher risk for psychiatric disturbances from childhood though high school.

However, it's important to remember that this is just one study, and not all low birth rate children will develop psychological or emotional health issues! Similarly, not all people with psychological disorders were less than 5.5 pounds when they were born.

If you suspect your child is dealing with emotional or mental health issues, take him or her to your family doctor. You can decide together what your options are, and if you should see a child psychologist or psychiatrist.

And, here are several articles that offer help for children with psychological disorders...

Help for Children With Psychological Disorders

• Treating Phobias in Children
• Treatments for Depressed Children or Teens
• Tips for Coping With Children Who Are Energy Vampires
• Therapy Clowns for Sick Kids
• Child Development and Emotions in Play Therapy

General Articles - Talking to Children About Life Issues

• Talking to Your Kids About Cancer
• Being a Financial Role Model - Suze Orman

If you have any questions or thoughts on helping children with psychological disorders, please comment below...

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

If you're in an unhappy marriage, don't leap into divorce! Not that many couples do -- even if they're in the most unhappy marriages. Most couples -- even unhappy ones -- take a long time to decide that filing for divorce is the best option.

Research shows that divorce or widowhood undermines health because incomes drop and stress levels increase over issues such as shared child care. Divorced or widowed people have 20% more chronic health conditions such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer than married people. They also have 23% more mobility limitations, such as trouble climbing stairs or walking a block.

• 5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship -- Tina Turner
• Women Considering Divorce -- Signs it's Time to Leave Your Husband
• Preparing Financially for a Divorce
• Leaving Your Husband or Wife - 4 Ways to File for Divorce

If you've ever wondered why marriage counseling causes couples to split up, read Why Couples Counseling Seems to Cause Divorce.

If you have any questions or comments on divorce or an unhappy marriage, please comment below...

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Here’s a list of resources for surviving childhood abuse, surviving partner abuse, and overcoming abusive relationships in general (such as difficult or toxic parents, or psychological bullying).

But first – a reader asked a question on my When You’re a Victim of Abuse article. She (or he) doesn’t know if the childhood abuse occurred because she doesn’t remember, but her mom tells her it happened. Her question was about getting closure – how does she move on without knowing for sure if she was abused?

Below are my thoughts on the two options she has. And just below that is a list of resources for surviving abuse and abusive relationships.

1) You can let it go. Since you can’t recall if you were abused, you’re not being tormented by memories or thoughts. You can focus on living a full, happy, healthy life and put all questions and thoughts about the possible abuse aside. This takes practice – it’s not like you can just decide to forget and be done with it. You’d have to remind yourself daily (or whenever you start wondering about the abuse) that it’s in the past, it’s not affecting your life today, and you’re choosing to move forward and leave the past behind you.

2) You can get professional help and support. Talk to your doctor, get a referral to a psychologist or counselor. Online website are great for getting basic information – but serious psychological issues need to be dealt with in person, with a trained professional. If you can’t afford to see a doctor, then call a local or national help line. Or, talk to a pastor, rabbi, school counselor – someone who is trustworthy and experienced in dealing with survivors of abuse.

Regardless of which option you choose, you won’t get the closure you need from your parents or your brother. You have to find a way to settle this in your own mind – and settling it in your own mind may not involve discovering the truth. You may never know what really happened, and you might have to learn to accept and live with that.

Even if you decide to let it go, I encourage you to talk to a counselor at least once. He or she can help you find healthy ways to move on.

Resources for Surviving Childhood Abuse and Abusive Relationships

• 4 Different Types of Abuse
• Physical Effects of Child Abuse
• Ways to Cope With Past Child Abuse

Resources for Surviving Partner Abuse and Abusive Relationships

• How Do You Leave a Mentally Abusive Relationship? Elizabeth Gilbert
• 5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship – Tina Turner
• Husband Abuse – Emotional and Physical

Articles About Overcoming Bad Parent or Sibling Relationships

• 3 Tips for Adult Children of Difficult Parents
• Psychological Bullying
• 6 Ways to Help an Alcoholic Sibling

If you have any questions or thoughts about surviving abuse or abusive relationships, please comment below....

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Kendra is a reader who commented on my Help for Depressed Teenagers article -- she's a senior in high school. She's dealing with a breakup, is crying for no reason, is eating more, and just wants to be happy. What can she do to deal with depression?

Here are a few ideas...

Tips for Teens Struggling With Depression

Know that it's not just you. We all have these masks we put on when we're with people -- and we may be sadder, more anxious, and more depressed when we're alone. A LOT of people are like this. If you're a teen struggling with depression, remember that your friends, classmates, teammates, and other peers are dealing with similar feelings!

Remember the role hormones play in teenage depression. When you're a preteen or teenager, your hormones are in flux -- and this totally affects your moods, emotions, thoughts, and feelings about others and yourself. Alot of your crying jags, laughing fits, periods of fatigue, and spells of anxiety are because of your hormones. Since you can't control your hormones (unless you go on the birth control pill), you just have to ride out your emotions. Sometimes just knowing that it's your hormones that could be causing these wild emotions can help you deal with them. These emotions WILL pass.

Don't forget about Seasonal Affective Disorder. Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD affects millions of people. It's also known as the winter blues or seasonal depression, because it's triggered by less light in the fall. To overcome teen depression, consider natural treatments for Seasonal Affective Disorder -- read Tips for Light Therapy and Seasonal Affetive Disorder.

Take care of and tune in to your body. The healthier you are physically, the healthier you'll be emotionally and mentally. If you're struggling with weight gain or obesity, read Weight Loss for Teens. If you're looking for natural ways to lift your spirits, improve your mood, and overcome depression for teenagers and adults, read Natural Treatments for Depression. Also -- tune in to your thoughts and emotions. What are you really dealing with? What are you afraid to face? What emotions are too scary to let out?

Get help for teenage depression. Do you believe your signs or feelings of depression go beyond the normal sadness and anxiety we all feel sometimes? Do you think you're dealing with more than hormonal fluctuations or Seasonal Affective Disorder? Then you need to get help. You have to overcome your feelings of embarrassment and reluctance -- you have to let go of your fear of what people will think. Remember, guidance counselors, teachers, coaches, and other adults are often good at dealing with problems -- just make sure you choose the right person to talk to! Pick someone smart, responsible, and trustworthy.

Read How Do I Get Help for My Depression? for more tips for depressed teenagers.

If you have any questions or thoughts on these tips for teens struggling with depression, please comment below...

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

A reader commented that she can't stop eating at night on my How to Stop Emotional Eating article -- and I want to respond here, because eating at night is more common than you think! It's something that many people struggle with -- not just emotional eaters.

Here are four ideas that could help stop you from eating at night...

How to Stop Eating at Night

Don't deprive yourself of "good" food all day. This just sets you up! It makes the temptation to eat at night too strong to overcome.

Remember that healthy eating is a habit that takes time to develop! I learned how to stop emotional eating and listen to my body from my husband - and I describe it all in 8 Best Ways to Lose Weight.

Remind yourself that eating at night will make you gain weight! A new study proves that eating at night causes weight gain -- it's the worst time of day to eat. I wrote up that study in The Best and Worst Times of Day to Eat.

Deal with your emotional health or psychological issues. The reader who commented on my emotional eating article also mentioned a few interpersonal issues. To stop eating at night -- or overcome emotional eating -- you need to deal with the root of the problem! Do you feel insecure, anxious, scared, or worthless? Are you struggling to make and keep friends? Deal with those problems (with the help of a counselor, good books, or other resources) -- and you'll find that your emotional eating habits might become easier to deal with.

If you're an introvert, you might find When Introverted Personality Traits Become Problematic interesting.

Resources for Emotional Healing offers a list of ways to improve psychological health, and Resources for Body Image and Body Confidence can help with eating disorders and body dysmorphic disorder.

If you have any questions or thoughts about how to stop eating at night, please comment below....

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Emotional baggage -- which can range from guilty feelings to an overwhelming urge to snack mindlessly -- prevents you from achieving all you can in life! Emotional baggage will not only stop you from using all your talents and skills, it can be physically unhealthy.

To help you throw off some of that emotional baggage, I've compiled a list of articles about emotional healing.

Resources for Emotional Healing

Articles About Relating to Other People

• How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
• 7 Ways to Make People Like You
• How to Not Lose Your Personal Identity in a Romantic Relationship

Articles About Personal Growth and Self-Improvement

• 4 Ways to Stop Self-Sabotage and Self-Defeat
• Protecting Personal Boundaries
• When Introverted Personality Traits Become Problematic
• 5 Tips for Overcoming Perfectionism

Do you have any questions or thoughts about emotional healing? Please comment below...

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Figuring out the best way to lose weight depends on your lifestyle, personality, body type, and genetics. You can lose weight for good...but first, you have to find the type of weight loss motivation or information that works for you!

Here some popular, effective articles about weight loss, including how to lose weight, weight loss motivation that works, and tips for staying slim.

How-To Weight Loss Articles

• Best Ways to Lose Weight
• How to Stop Emotional Eating
• 10 Ways to Lose 10 Pounds
• Adult Weight Loss Camps

Weight Loss Motivation

One way to increase weight loss motivation is to imagine that you’re as slim, healthy, and active as you want to be. Picture yourself at your goal weight (this is the law of attraction and it works for many people). Think about how good you feel when you can run, bike, and hike effortlessly. Imagine getting on the scale and smiling because you’re achieved your weight loss goals! Keeping picturing yourself as you want to be, and you’ll be motivated for fitness.

Articles About Weight Loss Motivation

• Weight Loss Motivation That Lasts
• 6 Ways to Increase Weight Loss Motivation
• Emotional Eaters Regain Weight

If you've lost weight and want to stay slim, you might find Tips for Not Gaining Weight at College helpful.

If you have any questions or comments about these weight loss articles, please use the form below...

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

September, October, and November is when seasonal depression or Seasonal Affective Disorder is most likely to strike. This mood disorder (or a lighter version, called the "winter blues") usually lasts until mid-March.

Seasonal depression is caused by the change in light that the fall months bring. Luckily, treatments for seasonal depression or Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) can be easy, inexpensive, and effective! Here's a list of resources for seasonal depression, ranging from natural treatments to coping with a depressed partner.

By the way, there's a new iPhone application that uses focused blue light, which can fight depression, fatigue, and seasonal depression. If you have an iPhone, you might want to look into that app!

Resources for Seasonal Depression -- Signs & Symptoms

• Seasonal Affective Disorder
• Signs of Seasonal Affective Disorder
• Recognizing the Signs of Depression

Resources for Seasonal Depression -- Treatments

• Tips for Light Therapy and Seasonal Affective Disorder
• Treating the Winter Blues
• How Do I Ask for Help for Depression?
• Natural Treatments for Depression

If you have any questions or thoughts on seasonal depression or the winter blues, please comment below...

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Working directly with people in a psychology job and career can be the mostly highly satisfying work you'll ever do! Human nature is fascinating, and helping people solve their problems feels great.

There are so many different paths you can take as a psychologist -- or a practitioner with one or two psychology degrees. Here's a resource list for psychology jobs and careers, plus a few articles about studying for psychology in school.

Articles About Psychology Jobs and Careers

• What to Do With Your Psychology Degree
• Therapy Jobs in Psychology
• Types of Psychology
• Evaluating Psychological Research

Articles About Studying for Psychology in School

• How to Study for Psychology Tests
• Tips for College Students - Improving College Study Skills
• 7 Tips for Adult Learners

If you're looking for something that isn't here, please let me know in the comments section below! I'd be happy to dig it up or write about it.

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Here's a list of resources for improving body image and body confidence -- because I just read a study from the University of Alberta that said that 10 and 11 year olds feel pressured to have a perfect body.

When I was 10 or 11, I felt pressured to be skinny, lose weight, and have a perfect body -- and that was 30 years ago! So, body image and body confidence problems definitely aren't new. But if I knew then what I know now, I would've been alot more accepting and loving of my body.

These articles about body image and body confidence will help girls and women of all ages feel better about their size and shape...

Resources for Body Image and Body Confidence

Body Image Articles

• Body Image and Fear of Intimacy
• Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder
• Building a Healthy Body Image
• 10 Tips for Building a Healthy Body Image
• Improving a Negative Body Image - Christine Aguilera
• Quips and Tips for Improving Body Image

Body Confidence Articles

• 10 Tips for Increasing Your Body Confidence
• Feel Better About Your Body
• 10 Ways to Build Self-Confiidence - Queen Latifah
• Tips for Improving Your Body Confidence

If you have any questions about body image or body confidence, please ask below.

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

A reader recently asked about online dating on my article, What is Emotional Cheating? Her question was about whether her new boyfriend should stop being friends with women on his online profile...and my answer is that three months might be too soon to expect that! After six months, maybe.

If you're curious about dating, love, and relationships, here's a list of my most popular articles....

Popular Articles About Dating

• Love or Infatuation? 5 Ways to Tell If It Could be True Love
• 5 Tips for Avoiding Rebound Love
• Dating for Introverts
• 8 Tips for Great Dating
• 9 Tips for Safe Online Dating
• 10 Signs of Flirting

Popular Articles About Love and Relationships

• How Not to Lose Your Identity in a Romantic Relationship
• 64 Ways to Say "I Love You"
• How to Let Go of Someone You Love
• 3 Stages of Love
• Tips for Talking About Money for Couples
• 11 Tips for Fighting Fair in Marriage
• 10 Ways to Improve a Bad Relationship

If you have any questions about dating, love, and relationships, I welcome your comments here or on any of my articles.

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

I'm a full-time freelance writer and blogger, and have been earning a full-time living for years now. If your blog or website isn't gathering the traffic you hoped for, these articles about earning money as a blogger or website writer will help...

Articles About Earning Money as a Blogger or Web Writer

10 Tips for Starting a New Blog for Writers - if you're thinking about starting a blog -- or if you've started one but aren't seeing any traffic yet -- this article will help organize your thoughts.

How to Find New Article Ideas - having trouble coming up with new things to blog about? These 10 ways to find new article ideas will keep those ideas flowing.

8 Different Tips for Promoting Your Blog - unusual ways to promote your blog and increase website traffic.

Amazon Advertising Tips for Blogs and Websites - how to use the Amazon affiliate program to earn money as a blogger or writer.

5 Ways to Increase Traffic to Your Website -

Web Writing Tips From Probloggers and Web Writers - how to use Search Engine Optimization Strategy to increase website traffic, and earn more money as a blogger!

If you have any questions about earning money with your blog, please ask below!

Also, visit Quips and Tips for Successful Writers -- there's something there for everyone: novelists, bloggers, freelance writers, book marketers, poets, and editors.

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

I'm a full-time freelance writer and blogger, and I've been earning a full-time living for years now. If you're interested in making money as a writer, something on this list of articles about writing will help!

Articles About Earning Money as a Freelance Writer

Do Writers or Editors Steal Article Ideas? - to explain why new writers needn't be afraid to write and send detailed pitch letters.

7 Tips for Writing for Trade Magazines - for writers interested in specialized journals, such as Writer's Digest, Horse and Hound, Architectural Digest, etc.

When an Editor Assigns a Magazine Article - 10 steps to writing excellent feature articles

Creating Multiple Streams of Income for Writers - how to earn money with passive income.

5 Ways to Increase Your Writing Income - how freelance writers can earn extra money, in addition to writing for magazines or e-zines.

How to Find New Article Ideas - having trouble coming up with new articles to pitch? Ten ways to find new article ideas.

10 Tips for Making $45,000 a Year Writing - ideas I use to earn a full-time living as a freelance writer and blogger!

If you have any questions about earning money as a freelance writer, please ask below! Also, visit Quips and Tips for Successful Writers -- there's something there for everyone: novelists, bloggers, freelance writers, book marketers, poets, and editors.

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Psychologist Mark Seery researched the effects of talking about a traumatic event versus not talking about it, and found that not talking about feelings can actually be healthy.

Seery compared the mental and physical health symptoms of "talkers" versus "non-talkers", and found that the non-talkers were actually healthier than the talkers. This was a surprising finding, since the general consensus is that we should talk about our feelings, especially after a traumatic event.

"This perfectly exemplifies the assumption in popular culture, and even in clinical practice, that people need to talk in order to overcome a collective trauma," Seery says. "Instead, we should be telling people there is likely nothing wrong if they do not want to express their thoughts and feelings after experiencing a collective trauma. In fact, they can cope quite successfully and, according to our results, are likely to be better off than someone who does want to express his or her feelings."

Articles About Effective Communication at Work and Home

• 9 Tips for Improving Communication Skills
• Communication Tips for Women
• How Introverts Communicate
• 11 Tips for Fighting Fair in Marriage
• Communication for Extroverts, Introverts in Love
• 10 Tips for Talking to Your Spouse
• 5 Intelligent Conversation Starters
• 10 First Date Conversation Starters

Source: "It's Okay to Keep Those Feelings Inside." University at Buffalo News Centre (Press Release). June 1, 2008.

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

This is letter from a reader describes his introverted personality traits and how people react to him. They want him to change, which is just plain wrong! Here's his story and question, plus my answer about whether he should change his personality.

(By the way, if you're an introvert and want to learn more about your personality traits, you'll find something helpful in Top 10 Articles About Introverts).

Dear Laurie,

Every one of those articles written on introverted people describe me perfectly. I already knew I was introverted but it just confirms the fact. It seems most people are extroverts and outgoing and that’s just not me no matter how many times I try to be. I was told that using being introverted is an excuse for not being outgoing but I am what I am. Sometimes, people think something is wrong with me because I am not as outgoing as they are and they don't understand it. They usually feel like I need to change who I am in order to fit in and that doesn’t work.

For instance, I don’t always immediately return phone calls or answer the phone period when people call. If I call them back, it's usually on my time when I'm not writing my books (probably another introverted activity). People have been upset with me because I don’t like talking on the phone all the time. It's hard to get extroverts to understand me and it is frustrating at times! This has affected my dating life. I am a male and most women don’t make the first move. If people talk to me, then I can talk a lot but I don’t usually initiate conversations and it feels uncomfortable to do so.

Again, I've tried practicing it but it's not working how I thought it would! I'm 27 and I still have yet to find a way to cope with my introverted personality. Some guy told me you can unlearn being introverted but I don’t see it...or feel it! I just wanted to get your opinion on this and I'd appreciate your time!

Sincerely,

Mr. Introverted

To Mr Introverted:

Laurie

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

One of my most popular and most sad articles in Psychology is Mourning a Lost Child: Grieving the Death of Your Son or Daughter. It's sad mostly because there's little I can do or say to help parents who have lost their children.

Recently, a woman asked how she copes with grief over the death of her son. Though I don't have all the answers, I do have some suggestions:

Allow the full range of feelings. When you're grieving, you'll feel anger, disappointment, frustration, guilt, regret, and numbness. Let yourself experience every feeling, no matter how uncomfortable they are. Express your feelings by finding a private place to yell and wail (sitting in your car in an empty parking lot can be very private), writing, talking to friends, blogging, painting -- anything that you find helpful in releasing emotions.

Accept your positive feelings. Many people who are mourning the death of their sons or daughters feel guilty if they laugh at a joke or start to feel positive about life again. Part of mourning and healing is moving forward into pockets of happiness and joy -- and moving back into pain and darkness again. This is normal. When you feel good, savor the moment! It's OKAY to move on and be happy. Being happy doesn't mean you're not mourning or that you've forgotten your lost child...it just means you're healing, and that's what your son or daughter would want for you.

Get counseling. Talk to a certified counselor or psychologist about the stages of grief, and how to cope with the death of your son or daughter. This is probably the most traumatic thing you'll ever experience, and it's wise to get help.

Join a grief support group. Connecting with other parents who are grieving the deaths of their children may help you feel less alone. You'll be able to help them mourn their children by sharing your own story...and they'll help you cope by sharing their loss.

Articles to help with coping with grief over the death of your son or daughter:

• Grief: Loss of a Loved One
• Creative Ways to Cope With Pain
• 5 Tips for Dealing With Grief During the Holidays
• Coping With the Guilt of Your Pet's Death (I wrote this article to help people deal with pet loss -- but the 4 points apply to losing your child, spouse, or family member)
• Tips for Grieving Widows or Widowers (again, the tips are helpful for anyone who has lost a loved one)

Another way to express your grief is to write about it. You're welcome to share your stories and memories about the loss of your son or daughter here....

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Are your parents abusive, neglectful, addicted to drugs or alcohol, or otherwise toxic? A reader asked how to cope with her toxic parent (her mom) on my How Energy Vampires Drain Your Spirit article. She's 18 years old and still living at home -- and moving out is the first thing I suggest!

Coping With Bad or Toxic Parents

1. Think of it in terms of an "abusive" relationship. How do you protect or save yourself from an abusive relationship? You put as much distance between you and the abuser as you can. For help leaving, read How Do You Leave a Mentally Abusive Relationship?

2. Avoid being manipulated by guilt. Toxic or bad parents -- or any abuser -- often manipulate their victims with guilt, emotional blackmail, or in other ways. To cope with toxic parents, you need to recognize when guilt or emotional blackmail is occurring. Read 3 Tips for Children of Difficult Parents for more info.

3. Focus on your emotional and physical health. You need to make decisions based on creating your own healthy, happy life. It may seem selfish, but when you're coping with bad or toxic parents, you need to put yourself first. What kind of life do you want to lead? What kind of people do you want surrounding you? To cope with bad or toxic parents, you have to put your needs above theirs.

For more info on abusive relationships, read 5 Stages of Leaving an Abusive Relationship.

If you have any questions or thoughts on coping with bad or toxic parents, I welcome your comments below...

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

According to Psychology Today, we choose friends because of how much they support us - not necessarily who they are. So, if you're looking to make more friends, remember that the more you support other people's dreams and goals, the more friends you'll have.

Here's a wide selection of articles about good and bad women's friendships, including info on ending a relationship with a friend.

Articles About Women's Friendships

6 Ways to be a Good Friend

Coping With Toxic Female Friendships

Are You a Toxic Female Friend?

How Energy Vampires Drain Your Spirit

Ending Unhealthy Friendships

5 Tips for Helping a Grieving Friend

5 Ways to Help a Grieving Friend

How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty

Communication Tips for Women

If you have any questions or thoughts about women's friendships, I welcome your comments below!

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Whether it's your brother, partner, a colleague, or someone you haven't seen in years -- suicide is shocking and devastating. On my Recent Research on Suicide article, a reader asked what she can say to the immediate family members of a relative who committed suicide. How does she -- and they -- survive when a loved one commits suicide?

Surviving After Suicide

Be honest with your family members and friends. When you don't know what to say to survivors of suicide, say that. When you're wracked with guilt or grief, talk about that. There is little you can say or do to take the pain away for others...all you can do is be there as the healing begins.

Stay in regular contact. Reach out to your fellow survivors of suicide regularly -- after the whirlwind of memorial services and other arrangements have been made. After a month or two has passed, call or write to ask how your loved ones are coping and if there's anything you can do to help.

Figure out what grieving family members need. I wrote 5 Tips to Help a Grieving Friend to offer suggestions for friends and loved ones...and also 5 Ways to Help a Grieving Friend, which has different suggestions.

Feel the pain. If you try to avoid your grief, guilt, or anger, your feelings will become unbearable and spill over into other aspects of your life. Let yourself cry, grieve, and mourn your loss.

Practice saying "suicide." There is still stigma and shame attached to suicide; sometimes people don't even share that a loved one took his or her own life. But, the more you talk about it matter-of-factly, the less stigma and shame you'll experience.

Don't avoid the topic of suicide. Talk about why the loved one may have committed suicide. Try to resolve your questions as much as you can -- the hows, the whats, the what-ifs. If your loved ones can't or won't talk about it, respect their wishes...but find ways to express your own feelings.

Find resources on coping with suicide. The more you learn about suicide, the better able you'll be to cope with it -- and help your family members cope. Surviving Suicide is a very helpful website, created by a mom who lost her son to suicide. Other helpful sites for surviving suicide are Suicide Awareness and The Grief Recovery Institute.

I hope this helps a little, and I am very sorry for your loss. If you have any questions or thoughts, please feel free to comment below.

Laurie

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Sometimes fear can save you (from a doomed marriage, for example); other times, fear can hamper your life (you develop a phobia about relationships based on one bad experience).

How do you know if you have a phobia? For instance, I've always been scared of bungee jumping. I've never tried it, but I know I couldn't step out of a plane! Is this a phobia or a normal fear? Since I don't come across this in my everyday life, it's more difficult to apply the 3 ways to know if you have a phobia scenario.

These articles about phobias should help you figure out the difference between a healthy fear and a phobia, and help you overcome phobias...

Articles About Phobias

• The 9 Most Common Phobias
• Overcoming Phobias
• How to Overcome Fear and Anxiety
• Common Phobias
• Causes of Anxiety Disorders
• Causes of Agoraphobia
• Treating Phobias in Children

If you have any questions about overcoming phobias or phobias in general, please ask below!

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

These articles about eating disorders include information about anorexia nervosa, bulimia, body dysmorphic disorder, emotional eating, and sleep eating disorders.

Articles About Eating Disorders and Anorexia Nervosa

• Signs of Eating Disorders
• Anorexics' Brains Are Different
• Anorexia is a Psychological Problem
• Hypnotherapy for Eating Disorders

Articles About Bulimia Nervosa

• Overcoming Bulimia and Binge Eating
• 3 Tips for Overcoming Binge Eating and Bulimia
• New Research on Eating Disorders

Articles About Body Dysmorphic Disorder

• Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder
• Body Image and Fear of Intimacy
• 5 Tips for Building a Healthy Body Image
• Satiety Tips - How to Feel Full Without Overeating

Articles About Emotional Eating

• How to Stop Emotional Eating
• How Food Addicts Anonymous Works
• 8 Tips for Breaking Bad Habits

Articles About Sleep Eating Disorders

• Eating While Sleeping
• Sleep Eating Disorders

If you have any questions about eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa, bulimia, body dysmorphic disorder, emotional eating, or sleep eating disorders -- please ask below! And, I welcome your comments.

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

A reader recently asked how she can cope with her difficult daughter in law without destroying her relationship with her son, on my How to be a Great Mother in Law article. This daughter in law wants to live with her, but she has cancer and marriage issues of her own to deal with. She can't cope with another family in the house, has offered to help with other accommodations, and is feeling pressured to do more.

In this particular situation -- and with all difficult daughters in law -- there are a few things that might help:

First, realize that standing up for yourself (and you have every right to set and maintain your boundaries in your own home) may anger and frustrate your daughter in law. You may already have experienced this, so it's not a big surprise!

Accept the anger or frustration. You can't live in fear of upsetting your daughter in law, so you need to accept that your boundaries may make her angry. You can't make everybody happy all the time; you have to accept that your own personality and life choices may not make your children and in laws happy. It's okay -- most families deal with it and survive just fine!

Stick to your boundaries. You need to put your own health, marriage, and life before your daughter in law's. Share your decisions (eg, not letting your daughter in law live with you), and stick with it. Don't be manipulated into changing your mind.

Don't get drawn in to arguments or power struggles. Say things like "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "I wish I could do more, but I can't." Don't let your own frustration or anger get the better of you.

Let them make their own decisions and live their own lives. When you're coping with a difficult daughter in law, it can be tempting to tell her and your son how they "should" be living their lives. Resist this temptation! Let them spend their money, feed their kids, and make their homes the way they want. Love them, but don't tell them how to live.

Don't talk to your grandchildren about their parents. Keep the kids out of it! They're innocent bystanders, and you'll jeopardize your relationship with them if you involve them.

And, trust that your relationship with your son will be strong enough to survive this. You have a history with him, and his wife may change that -- but he'll in all likelihood eventually reconnect with you. And if not, you have to accept that there's nothing you can do.

While these articles aren't specifically about dealing with difficult daughters in law, they might help:

• 6 Ways to Help Loved Ones Who Are Struggling Financially
• Tips for Coping With Children Who Are Energy Vampires
• 6 Tips for Managing Stress for Moms

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

If your friend or family member is struggling with a psychological disorder, you've come to the right place! Here is a brief list of articles and resources about psychological disorders, ranging from overcoming seasonal depression to helping a grieving friend.

Articles About Helping People With Psychological Disorders

• Helping Someone Who Has a Psychological Disorder.
• Getting Help for Psychological Disorders
• 5 Ways to Help a Grieving Friend

If you're taking care of someone with a psychological disorder or mental illness, read 8 Ways to Decrease Caregiver Stress.

Articles About Psychological Disorders

• Psychological Disorders (a list of articles about schizophrenia, depression, posttraumatic stress disorder, anxiety disorders, and more)
• DSM-IV Psychological Disorders
• Psychological Stress and Your Health

Articles About Signs and Symptoms of Mental Illness

• Signs of Mental Illness
• Signs of Emotionally Unhealthy Women - Plus Solutions
• Signs and Treatments of Seasonal Affective Disorder

Articles About Depression

• Reasons to Get Help for Depression
• 8 Tips for Overcoming Seasonal Depression
• Natural Treatments for Depression
• Resources for Overcoming Depression

If you don't find the right information about psychological disorders here, please comment below. If I can, I'll either point you in the right direction or write an article that will help!

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

A reader asked how to get help for depression, on my Physical Signs of Depression article. She's just turned 15, and wants to get into the future because her past and present aren't that great.

To this depressed teenager -- and all young adults struggling with depression: My friends, I know exactly how you feel. I felt the same way when I was in my teens....and it's hard. But, you have to hold on to the fact that this WILL pass and you WILL move out of this stage of your life! There are things you can do in the meantime, to get help for your depression...

Getting Help for Your Depression

1. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good. To lift yourself out of depression, you need to connect with people who like and respect you. It may seem like nobody likes you and nobody cares -- but I guarantee that if you look around, you'll find friends or family members who care.

2. Remember that it takes effort. The ironic thing about depressed feelings is that you don't have the energy to get help with depression, yet getting help for depression requires energy!! It's a vicious cycle. Part of getting out of this cycle is knowing that you have to make an effort....you have to find your own ways of getting help for depression.

3. Talk to someone who can help you. If you're in school, talk to your guidance counselor or a teacher you trust. Call a distress line, depression help hotline, suicide line -- find out how you can get help! You have to reach outside yourself to find the support you need.

4. Be honest about how you feel. Stop hiding your depressed feelings. If you pretend that everything is fine, nobody will know how you really feel -- and you'll be even more isolated. Isolation is unhealthy, and so is pretending that you're fine, or that you don't care what's happening in your life. Find people who can help you, and friends or family members who love and support you, and be honest with them.

Read Natural Treatments for Depression - they're easy, effective ways to stop feeling depressed.

And, here's a list of Resources for Overcoming Depression -- there are lots of articles about depression there.

To get help for your depression, you really have to reach out and change your life. It's not as overwhelming as it sounds -- just take it one step at a time, and you WILL feel better!

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

A reader shared how her abusive boyfriend treats her in my article, 4 Different Types of Abuse. He calls her names, controls her behavior, and dictates how she spends her money. He tried to choke her, and kill himself.

If you're in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship, here are some steps to leaving your boyfriend or girlfriend:

1. Get help from your friends and family. Stop hiding the fact that you're in an abusive relationship -- your friends and family might even have guessed it anyway! Tell at least three people you trust what's been happening with your partner, and ask them to help you leave the relationship. Also -- remember that there are stages to leaving an abusive relationship.

2. Call a domestic abuse hotline. Get professional support from a distress line, help line, abuse hotline, a counseling center -- anywhere. Call any social services organization, even if you think they can't help. Ask them how to get the help you need. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.

3. Recognize that you're WORTH IT. You do NOT deserve to be abused. You are a valuable, special, unique, and important human being who deserves to be treated with kindness, love, and respect. You should not stay with anyone who treats you badly -- no matter how long you've been together or what he/she threatens to do if you leave.

4. Talk to other women who survived abuse. Find a support group -- online or in person. Get strength and courage from women who have left their abusive boyfriends or husbands. Don't try to leave alone. There's strength in numbers!

Read How Do You Leave a Mentally Abusive Relationship? for help. You might also want to read Tips for Getting Over Addictive Relationships.

Remember -- you're not alone! You can create a better life for yourself, like other women have done. But the first thing you have to do is leave your emotionally or physically abusive partner. And, remember that you WILL find someone else to love and who will love you in a healthy, respectful way.

Be strong and take care of yourself, my friend.

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

A reader asked this question, "What steps do we take after emotional infidelity" on my Emotional Affairs article.

This is a great question -- and one that many couples struggle with. Marriage counselor Gary Neuman says that surviving emotional infidelity can be more difficult than physical infidelity, because emotional affairs involve your heart, mind, and maybe even your soul.

Steps to Overcoming Emotional Infidelity:

1. Figure out why it happened. It's not about the "innocent" partner -- in Emotional Affairs on the Dr Phil Show, he describes why partners commit this type of infidelity. Try to understand who who your partner is and who you are together, as a couple.

2. Decide where you want your relationship to go. Do you want to stay together, or split up? Picture where you want to be in one year, five years, and ten years. Do you want your future include your partner?

3. Consider marriage counseling -- and know why it could bring you apart. I've read that many couples who go to marriage counseling do end up separating or divorcing. But, it's not the counselor that tears them apart -- it's simple statistics! The majority of couples who go to marriage counseling have a problem, and not all problems can be solved. Often, couples wait until the problem is insurmountable before seeking counseling, which means the problems are too deep and "old" to solve. And, if a couple has been dealing with a problem for years or decades, they may be unmotivated to solve the problem. The couples counseling is a last resort, and it can be doomed to failure before it even starts.

4. Decide together what your next step is. Whatever you decide to do, make sure that you're in sync. You don't necessarily have to get counseling, but you do need to be on the same page about what happened (whether it was an emotional affair or not), why it happened, and what your future holds.

5. Explore the options. You could read books together about overcoming emotional infidelity, find a support group, take a marriage workshop, go on a relationship retreat, talk to your pastor or spiritual leader, or talk to another couple who has survived an affair. If you decide to stay together, you need to figure out how to solve the problems without going outside your marriage -- you have to look inside yourselves, and work hard.

I hope this helps a little! For more suggestions, go to Resources for Emotional Infidelity and Cheating -- I've listed 10 articles about recognizing and surviving emotional affairs.

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

A reader recently lost his father to suicide, and asked this question on my Recent Research on Suicide article: "Can someone who knows about this stuff please help me?" He's struggling with pain, guilt, loneliness, and a need to talk about it.

Here are a few suggestions for when you're depressed, mourning, and struggling to deal with a suicide in your family:

Talk to a counselor who has experience with suicide. This reader mentioned seeing a counselor - and it's helping - but he needs more. But, the first step is to talk to a counselor or psychologist.

Do not put your email address on the internet. In his pain and need to talk about his father's suicide, this reader put his email address in the comments section of the "Recent Research on Suicide" article. I removed the email address because it's never a good idea to publicize the fact that you're in pain along with your email address! There are too many people who can take advantage of you, harm you, or make your pain much worse. These people may not even deliberately want to harm you -- they just may not have the experience to help someone who lost their father to suicide.

Find a suicide support group. One of the best ways to deal with any type of pain is to talk about it with people who have experienced the same thing. If there's not a suicide support group in your area, then look for any type of group that focuses on coping with death.

Figure out what you need. The reader wants to know the details of his father's suicide, and mentioned many unknowns. If you feel you need to know the details, then talk to people who can provide them: the police, the people who found him, the people who were closest to him at the time of death. If you can't find those people, then you have to work on accepting that there will always be mystery surrounding your father's suicide.

Avoid speculating or obsessing about it. If you can't find any information about your father's suicide, then you have to let it go. If you keep speculating about what you think happened, why, when, how -- you will drive yourself mad! You have to accept whatever details you have, and let it go. The more you rehash and wonder, the longer it will take to heal -- because you're not dealing with reality. At some point, you have to accept that you will never know for sure why your father took his own life.

Write about it. Write down all your questions, accusations, destroyed hopes, and feelings of depression, guilt, anger, or sadness. Don't worry about spelling, sentence structure, or grammar -- the point is to get it out of you as much as you can.

Read How to Let Go of Someone You Love for more help on dealing with loss through suicide. It's written with a relationship breakup in mind, but the ten tips are totally applicable to any type of loss -- even your father's suicide.

My heart goes out to all people struggling with their father's or any loved one's suicide. I'm very sorry for you.

If you have any thoughts or questions, please comment below.

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Getting over your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend can feel endlessly painful and heartwrenching. A reader asked this question -- "How do I get over my ex-boyfriend and move on?" on my Signs of Depression article.

Getting over an ex is something many people struggle with! It can take years to really heal from a separation or divorce. If you're struggling to get over someone, you're not alone.

This reader's relationship ended a year ago; she hasn't healed because she still talks to him! She needs to make a clean break and be free. If she had done that when they first broke up, her heart would be much stronger now.

To get over an ex, you have to cut off all contact (unless, of course, you have kids together). The less time you spend talking or seeing each other, the quicker you'll heal. You also have to focus on new things in your life: new friends, new hobbies, new classes, new vacation spots.

I can't write a whole article about getting over an ex-boyfriend here, but I can offer a list of articles about letting go of the past, surviving heartache, and moving on. There's some great info here -- plus, many of the articles have reader comments that you might find helpful!

• Breakup Advice: How to Stay Happy After Splitting Up
• How to Let Go of Someone You Love
• 10 Tips for Surviving a Breakup
• Tips for Getting Over Addictive Relationships
• Divorce Parties and Breakup Cakes

I hope one of these articles is helpful to you, and I welcome tips for getting over a breakup below!

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Here's a list of several articles in Psychology, which will help with a variety of mental health issues.

If you can't find what you're looking for here, just leave a comment below. I'll either research and write a new article, or tell you where you can find the information!

Articles About Depression

• How Do You Know if You're Depressed?
• Physical Signs of Depression
• 8 Tips for Overcoming Seasonal Depression

Articles About Schizophrenia

• What Is and Who Gets Schizophrenia?
• Surviving Schizophrenia
• Treatments for People With Schizophrenia

Articles About Eating Disorders

• Signs of Eating Disorders
• Overcoming Bulimia and Binge Eating
• Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder

Articles About General Psychological Issues

• When Introverted Personality Traits Become Problematic
• The Psychological Effects of Perfectionism
• Signs of Emotionally Unhealthy Women - Plus Solutions

Articles About Psychological Help

• Help for Psychological Disorders
• Pet Therapy in Psychology
• Overcoming Airplane Anxieties

If one of your friends or family members is struggling with a mental health issue, read Helping Someone Who Has a Psychological Disorder.

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

A reader asked how she can help her friend who is being abused by her boyfriend, on my 4 Different Types of Abuse article. This boyfriend is controlling, manipulative, and jealous -- and his girlfriend can't bring herself to leave him. What can her friend do to help?

Since she can't force (or even convince) her friend to leave, I suggest she:

• Learn as much as she can about emotionally abusive relationships, so she understands how her friend feels and why it's so hard to leave.
• Realize that though it seems like a "no brainer" to leave a violent or abusive man, there are many emotions and issues underneath the surface, which affect a woman's ability to leave.
• Realize that her friend is getting a benefit from this abusive relationship. Maybe she feels like she deserves to be treated that way, or was abused by her own parents, or thinks she's not worthy of being treated well. Whatever her reason, it's powerful enough to keep her with this abusive boyfriend.
• Give her friend books about domestic violence and emotional abuse, or send her links to websites or articles about abuse.
• Be ready for the "straw that broke the camel's back." Sometimes, there's a precipitating factor that motivates abused women to leave relationships: a particularly nasty punch, hitting the kids, family members finding out, coworkers finding out, a certain book, a TV show like Dr Phil or Oprah. To help a friend who is being abused, be ready to help because sooner or later, she might be ready to leave!

Read Domestic Violence on PBS.org, which explains why women don't leave abusive relationships. And, you can simply Google "why women stay in abusive relationships" to learn more.

This article might also help: 7 Signs of Addictive Relationships.

Your friend is lucky she has you. I hope she's able to leave her boyfriend soon! And -- don't feel guilty or bad if you can't help your friend leave that relationships....she has reasons that may not make sense, but that are powerful and compelling her to stay.

If you have any questions or thoughts, I welcome your comments below. I'm sorry I don't have any easy solutions!

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

A few readers have asked about the personality traits of only children, on my article called How Birth Order Changes Your Life. Only children have similar personality traits as first-borns.

Here's a list of personality traits of only children:

• Strong attention to detail
• Critical of self and others
• Confident
• High achiever
• Independent
• More likely to be strongly introverted or strongly extroverted
• Increased chance of success (because other siblings don't take resources)
• Comfortable conversing with people older than themselves

If you're interested in more info about personality traits, read A Test for Introverted Personality Traits. And if you have any questions or thoughts about these personality traits of only children, I welcome your comments below!

Sources: Family & Birth Order on PBS; The Dilemma of the Only Child, Northwestern University

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Bulimia is an eating disorder that overcomes one's thoughts, feelings, and actions. This compulsion to binge and purge -- and it feels unstoppable and uncontrollable.

A 16 year old reader shared how binging and purging makes him feel on my Overcoming Bulimia and Binge Eating article. His struggle is exactly what many people with bulimia deal with -- both how it starts, and how it continues.

Here are a few extra things to remember about overcoming the urge to binge and purge:

Figure out what your bulimia is about. On the surface, it's about weight loss...but the real cause is about lack of control, unexpressed feelings, or struggles with perfectionism. To overcome bulimia, you need to figure out where it's coming from.

Find the treatment that works for you. Some people need to resolve their childhood issues; others need to change their lifestyle habits. To figure out how to overcome bulimia for you, you need to try different possible solutions.

Remember that it's not a lifelong battle. You won't always struggle with the urge to binge and purge! Like quitting smoking or any destructive habit, once you figure out the cause and learn better ways of coping with life, then the urge will fade and eventually disappear.

Remember that a hamburger, french fries, and ice cream won't make you fat. It takes 3,500 calories to make a pound of fat! If you eat normal, healthy meals, you won't get fat. One way to overcome bulimia is to learn how we gain weight, how our metabolism works, how exercise impacts our food intake, and so on.

For more help with binging and purging, read Overcoming Body Dysmorphic Disorder or Getting Psychological Help. And, I welcome your comments or questions below.

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

On my Personality Traits of Lefties article, several readers asked if they should stop their children from using their left hand. Here's what I think -- plus my thoughts on a different reader's question: "Can someone who was forced to be left-handed be confused or less intelligent?"

Several decades ago, parents forced their left-hand dominant kids to use their right hands because of the negative societal perception of lefties. Today some parents still prefer their child to be right-handed. Sometimes it's for practical reasons (desks, can openers, even cars aren't made with lefties in mind).

Whatever the reason, it's not a good idea to stop children from being left-handed. That's their natural tendancy, it's how the're most comfortable, and the only negative thing is having to adjust to a right-handed world. But, adjusting to a right-handed world is better than forcing yourself to be something you're not!

And, for the reader who asked about his friend who was forced to be left-handed: I'm not aware of any research that states that changing "handedness" can damage intellectual abilities or create confusion. The only way to know for sure is to have the person lead two almost identical lives -- one as a left-handed person, and one as a right -- and then compare her intelligence at the end of both lives.

There are dozens of factors that affect someone's intelligence level and propensity to get confused easily; isolating it to the fact that they were forced to be right-handed just isn't possible.

A couple more interesting facts on lefties: Scientists have discovered a gene that increases an individual's chances of being left-handed, and different research shows that lefthandedness might be linked to an increased chance of breast cancer.

If you're interested in different ways to asses personality (which the article on lefties and personality traits was all about), read What Your Favorite Dog Breed Reveals About Your Personality Traits.

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

A frustrated husband asked, "Why doesn't love conquer all?" and "How can I convince my wife to increase our physical intimacy level?" on my article, When You're a Victim of Sex Abuse.

I don't think love conquering all applies to this situation -- or any abusive situation. What love can or can't do for relationships and people is secondary to the main problem: his wife has trouble with intimacy because of her past.

I suggest getting couples counseling -- preferably with a therapist who specializes in abuse situations. This kind of abuse doesn't just go away; as this husband knows, the effects are far-reaching and long-lasting. Women who were abused can't just turn physical intimacy on, which makes it frustrating for their partners.

The idea behind couples counseling for physical intimacy issues is to find common ground where both partners are happy and satisfied. Only being intimate once in a blue moon isn't healthy -- and neither is a wife who can't enjoy a healthy love life. There are issues of anger, fear, shame, guilt, pain, and worthlessness. All these emotions negative affect her perception of herself, her partner, and being intimate.

If you're dealing with past abuse and physical intimacy issues, I encourage you to talk to a counselor. A healthy love life is crucial to a strong marriage....and it won't happen by just wishing it were so or relying on love to conquer all!

You could also try these 10 Tips for Improving Female Libido -- but remember, a lack of physical desire because of abuse issues isn't easily "cured" by attempts to increase libido.

If you have any questions or thoughts, I welcome your comments below!

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

A reader asked this question on my Fear of Intimacy article: "How do overcome my inability to trust and confide in a man?"

First, I commend you on recognizing where your reluctance to trust comes from (your family, who rarely shows emotions). It's important to recognize that you aren't in touch with your feelings -- and that you want to be!

Second, I recommend reading Overcoming Fear of Intimacy for possible solutions. What works for some people in dealing wtih an inability to trust men doesn't work for others, so you need to do a little digging to find what will work for you.

Third, I suggest practicing with "safe" people. It might be overwhelming to try to open up to a man you just met. That's a big step! Instead, try sharing how you feel with friends and family members who are emotionally open. If you don't know how you feel, then say that. There's nothing wrong with not knowing how you feel.

You could also write to get in touch of your emotions. Sometimes, to get in touch with our feelings, we need to start by saying "I don't know how I feel", and writing or saying the possible ways we could feel. Eg, do I feel happy? No.....Confused? Maybe.....Scared? Yes! I feel scared.

Fourth, I encourage you to find support in a workshop, series of classes, support group, or a counselor. I myself TOTALLY struggled with an inability to trust men -- until I went into counseling. It was painful, but I learned how to move past my fears of intimacy. You don't necessarily need counseling (though I highly recommend it).....but it would be good to get external, in-person support. Even a book about intimacy would help.

And finally, expect it to take time! I've been happily married for four years, and still find myself automatically reverting back to my old ways of relating to men (shutting down, not talking, giving the silent treatment, etc). It's okay -- we're all works in progress :-)

The point is that you're aware of your inability to trust men or your fear of intimacy, and you're working towards healthy, positive change.

I hope this helps, and I welcome comments and questions below...also, you might be interested in reading 10 Ways to be a Great Date, to get you in the dating mindset!

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

"How can I set boundaries with my in-laws if my husband refuses to?" asks a reader on my article called How to Be a Great Daughter-in-Law. She also asks how much time "normal" families spend with their in laws.

Here's what I think:

Every family is different: some families visit their in-laws once every couple of years, while others LIVE with their in-laws and thus visit every day! How often you see your in-laws depends on families, personalities, choices, and locations.

Regarding boundaries with in-laws: this reader's husband isn't hearing her; he's putting his mother and father's wishes ahead of hers. He's hasn't "left" his family to be one with his wife, which is the point of marriage. He needs to separate himself from his family, and commit himself to his wife and children.

It's the son or daughter that needs to set boundaries with his or her parents. I don't think this reader can set boundaries with her in-laws if her husband refuses to. If she tries to limit visits to once a week or once every two weeks and her husband doesn't support her, then she's waged war with the whole family.

In this case, the son needs to set boundaries with his parents. But how does our reader - his wife - get him to do this? She might have to step out of the picture, because they've probably already had the "we spend too much time with your parents" versus the "no we don't!" discussion. She needs an objective third party to step in and help him see how his choices are affecting his marriage.

And, she's trying to do this! That's why she's asking about how much time normal families spend with the in-laws...she's trying to get an objective measure, so she can share it with her husband.

Since there is no normal amount of time to spend with in-laws, she needs to connect her husband with a counselor, pastor, rabbi, iman --- someone he trusts, and who understands the importance of separating from your family when you get married.

If you have any comments or questions on setting boundaries with in-laws -- or how much time you should spend with your in-laws -- please comment below! You might also want to read 10 Ways to Improve a Marriage Relationship.

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

A reader asked for ways to stop her emotional eating cycle, on my article called Overcoming Emotional Eating. She said: "I can't see how to get out of this cycle...the more I try to control my eating, the more anxious I get!"

I hear you, my friend. I'm tempted to dive into my cookie jar more often than not! I feel that same happy rush when I eat my face off...but after I chow down, I feel tired, heavy, and depressed. All that fat and sugar disrupts my sleep and makes me full "hungover" the next day. Ugh.

I think the key to overcoming emotional eating is to NOT think about it in terms of "controlling" it. The more you try to control it, the more of a hold it has over you. Instead, accept it as part of who you are. You love food, you love the dopamine rush -- it's like any addiction.

Here's another way to stop the cycle of emotional eating (in addition to the suggestions in my article): The next time you do it and feel bloated, sick, tired, heavy, depressed, and ugly afterwards -- write down exaclty how you feel. Write how your tummy feels, your emotions, your head, your heart, your soul. Write down everything you ate, how much it cost at the grocery store, and whose food you ate (when I binge on my hubby's Munchie Mix, he loses out!). Be specific and clear about how much your emotional eating costs you physically, emotionally, mentally, and practically.

The next time you're tempted to binge, find this list (which you could call something like "The Reasons I Don't Want to Eat to Feed My Emotions"). Sit with it for 10 minutes. Getting back to those awful "after" feelings will help you overcome the "before" feelings.

And then, do something else: get out of the house, call a friend, scrapbook, take a bath. Do something you like, that helps you express how you feel.

I hope this helps, and I welcome your thoughts!

Laurie

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

A reader recently asked for advice on dealing with her emotionally cheating boyfriend, on my article called What is Emotional Cheating?

She says he keeps calling and communicating online with his past girlfriends and online women friends...and can't understand why his current girlfriend is upset!

Her question: "Until he's willing to give up these other relationships, ours will not have a chance to grow. What do you think?"

I think she's absolutely right! There is no way a man can maintain a healthy committed relationship with a woman, and be calling, emailing, and chatting with other women. Whether those women are past girlfriends or new women he's meeting online -- it's emotional cheating. He's disrespecting and disregarding his partner's feelings.

How should she deal a partner like this? By letting him go. If he doesn't recognize that he's cheating, and he doesn't care about her feelings, then their relationship will be constantly undermined. Even if he doesn't respect her, she needs to respect herself enough ot get out of the relationship....even if she's scared nobody else will come along. Staying in a relationship when your partner doesn't value your feelings and thoughts will ruin your self-esteem.

For help surviving a breakup, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love. And if you want to stay in the relationship -- because your partner is willing to see that he or she is cheating, and is willing to change, read Tips for Surviving an Emotional Affair.

Good luck with your relationship -- and let me know how things are going!

Laurie

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

A reader asked how to overcome fear of intimacy -- which isn't a problem just for men! Many women struggle with intimacy issues, being vulnerable, and trusting their partners.

This particular reader says she wants to be married, but can't commit to anyone (read the comments section of my article, Fear of Intimacy, for the details). She was in an abusive relationship, which is affecting her ability to trust men.

"What shall I do?" she asks.

First, read Overcoming Fear of Intimacy.

Second, don't expect changes to happen overnight. Recognizing that you have a fear of intimacy is one thing (a very healthy thing!), but actually overcoming it is a long, slow process. Sometimes you even move back...but if you keep at it, you'll move forward again.

Third, get a counselor's help if you're overwhelmed with your fear. A counselor has an objective eye, who can help you see yourself more clearly.

Fourth, accept and express your fear. Your fear of intimacy is part of who you are -- just like hating brussel sprouts or liver! And, the more you express it by talking about it with people you trust -- and even your future partner one day -- the easier it'll get.

Fifth, practice sharing who you are, one small step at a time. For some people, fear of intimacy is about being reluctant to share their innermost thoughts and feelings. To overcome your fear, you don't have to share every single little thing about yourself! Start small, with things that matter less. Keep working your way up to the "bigger" things, such as emotional issues.

I hope this helps.......I also recommend reading books and attending workshops. The sooner you start dealing with your fear of intimacy, the happier you'll be! (Thought it will be painful, I admit).

Laurie

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

"You can lead a man up to the university, but you can't make him think," said Finley Peter Dunne.

But -- it's hard to think if you're a college student dealing with depression, weight gain, peer pressure, financial problems, or mental health issues! These helpful articles for college students -- whether you're 17 and attending university for the first time or 45 and going back to school as a mature student -- will help you cope.

10 Helpful Articles for College Students

1. Mental Health of College Students
2. Depressed College Students Likely to Drop Out
3. Tips for Student Success in College
4. Tips for Surviving College for Parents of New Students
5. Helping Your Child Succeed at School
6. Tips for Surviving College for New Students
7. 7 Success Tips for Mature College Students
8. Psychological Bullying
9. 3 Tips for Cutting College Costs
10. What To Do With Your Psychology Degree

If you have any questions or thoughts about going back to school -- or these articles for college students -- please comment below!

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

This quotation about how your brain works is one of my all-time favorites:

Whenever you read a book or have a conversation, the experience causes physical changes in your brain,” says science writer George Johnson, author of In the Palaces of Memory. “It's a little frightening to think that every time you walk away from an encounter, your brain has been altered, sometimes permanently.”

Not only do reading and conversing affect your brain health -- research shows that over the counter medications and environmental toxins can decrease your memory, affect thinking skills, and even cause cognitive impairment. The healthier your brain, the less risk of Alzheimer's and other dementia-type diseases you face as you age!

Resources for Brain Health, Memory, and Cognition

1. How to Improve Your Brain Health
2. Foods That Make You Smarter
3. How Stress Affects Your Memory
4. 8 Tips for Coping With Stress
5. How to Increase Your Brain Power
6. 7 Anti-Aging Foods and Tips
7. 10 Brain Fitness Tips to Reduce Memory Loss
8. Anorexics' Brains are Different
9. How Playing and Watching Hockey Boosts Brain Power

If you have any questions or thoughts about these articles about brain health, memory, and cognition -- please comment below!

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

1. How Sleeplessness Leads to a Poor Marriage
2. Sleep Help: How to Rest Better and Snore Less
3. How to Get a Better Sleep Without Medication
4. 10 Ways to Cure Insomnia
5. If You Can't Fall Asleep Fast
6. How Acupuncture Helps You Stop Snoring
7. Sleep Eating Disorders
8. The Effects of Sleep Deprivation
9. Better Sleep Tips From Specialists

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

New research shows that babies can decrease marital happiness, especially right after a child's birth. However, not all couples experience dissatisfaction after their baby is born (so don't let this stop you from having kids!).

Married couples are less likely to be unhappy after their first child is born if they've been married longer and have higher incomes. If you can wait a few years before you have kids, your marital happiness levels might increase for the long haul!

To keep your home and hearth happy, here are my most popular articles on marriage, intimacy, and overcoming infidelity...

Top 10 Articles on Marital Happiness

If you have any comments or questions about these articles on marital happiness, please use the form below!

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Here's my favorite type of comment on my articles about introverted personality traits:

"I always thought I was weird or stupid -- I didn't know that introverts just aren't into socializing and are drained by spending time with other people! Now that I know what being introverted really means, I feel normal."

Extroverts and introverts are just different personality types. One isn't better than the other - or more normal than the other. Both extroverts and introverts can be financially successful, enjoy healthy intimate relationships, and have a strong network of friends!

Whether you're introverted or extroverted (or wondering about your introverted or extroverted children, spouse, sister, etc) -- the most important thing is understanding.

Here's a summary of my most current and my most popular articles about extroverts and introverts.

Articles About Introverts

A Test for Introverted Personality Traits

The Introvert's Personality Traits

7 Job Interview Strategies for Introverts

Tips for Networking Successfully for Introverts

Accepting Your Introverted Traits

The Extrovert's Personality Traits

7 Tips for Saving Money for Extroverts

Introverts and Extroverts in Love

Personality Traits That Predict Longevity

If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to share them below!

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

New research reveals the irony about money and debt: financial problems and money worries can make us spend more, rack up our credit cards, and get further into debt! It's a downward spiral that can lead to serious family, health, and career problems.

Here's a roundup of my most popular articles about paying off debt, saving money, and even borrowing money to invest!

Top 10 Articles on Paying Off Debt and Saving Money

Articles About Paying Off Debt and Saving Money

1. 5 Ways to Pay Off Credit Card Debt
2. 7 Tips for Saving Money on Cooking at Home
3. How to Protect Your Credit Scores
4. 9 Tips for Building an Emergency Fund
5. Tips for Borrowing Money to Invest

Articles About Money, Family, and Friends

1. Financial Infidelity in Marriage
2. Tips for Lending Money to Friends or Family Members
3. 10 Ways Money Can Improve Your Love Life

Articles About Saving Money on Travel

1. 7 Tips for Saving Money at Disneyland or Disneyworld
2. Green Travel Tips That Save Money

Bonus Article About Money: Why You Make Expensive Purchases

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Some of my most popular articles are about emotional infidelity and cheating -- especially how to survive it and rebuild a healthy, happy relationship!

This comprehensive list of articles about emotional affairs includes a brief description of each article. If you don't find what you're looking for here, please comment below. I'll do my best to find what you need and answer your questions.

Resources for Emotional Infidelity and Cheating

Emotional Affairs - explains what emotional infidelity is, and how cheating involves more than sex.

How Emotional Cheating Starts - offers 6 mistakes that lead to a lack of intimacy in marriage.

6 Signs of Emotional Cheating - helps you recognize if your partner is having an emotional affair.

Avoiding Emotional Infidelity - includes 10 rules that protect your marriage from emotional affairs.

3 Ways to Affair Proof Your Marriage - shares marriage counselor Gary Neuman's advice for avoiding emotional and physical infidelity (from the Oprah Winfrey show).

10 Ways to Improve a Bad Relationship - to help you fall in love with your partner all over again (even if emotional infidelity isn't an issue)

Overcoming Your Marital Infidelity - explains how to save your marriage after cheating on your spouse.

Tips for Surviving an Emotional Affair - describes 8 ways to reconnect with your partner.

11 Tips for Fighting Fair in Marriage - includes advice from a marraige therapist, on how to build healthy communication into your marriage.

15 Meaningful Ways to Say "I Love You" - describes ways to show your love in ways your spouse will value.

Again - if you have any questions or comments about emotional affairs in relationships, please don't hesitate to ask below!

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

A reader just commented on my The Introvert's Personality Traits article, saying it helped her understand her child better. She's an extroverted parent; her son is an introvert. She didn't understand him - she thought he was sad because he liked to spend time alone - and as an extrovert, she doesn't view spending time alone the same way!

If introverts and extroverts don't understand each other, they have a hard time connecting. It's possible to build a strong, healthy relationship between introverts and extroverts - it just requires knowledge.

To help you better understand your introverted children if you're an extroverted parent (or to understand your introverted parents if you're an extroverted child!), read Accepting Your Introverted Traits or How Introverts Communicate.

Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen