Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen's Blog
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
"This is to love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First, to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet," says Jelaluddin Rumi.
To really love someone, think about taking a step without knowing what's under your feet. It's totally letting go, and being completely vulnerable. Loving is hard because it leaves you unarmed.
Valentine's Day is approaching: have you thought about how you'll appreciate who you love? I'm not talking buying chocolates or buying lingerie. Even if you're single on Valentine's Day, you can be thinking about the love in your life. How do you show love? How do you accept love? That's what Valentine's Day - and every day - should be about.
Articles about love:
If you have any special ideas for Valentine's Day this year -- I'd love to hear them!
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
The best thing happened over my holidays last week: a big national magazine asked me to write an article about an exciting singles group called Meet Market Adventures.
The thing about this group is, they actually have adventures together -- they don't just do the same old speed dating or singles parties thing. Meet Market Adventures organizes group events such as inventment nights, intros to spinning/yoga/other exercises, and even hot air ballooning.
The great thing about this is, you can expand your horizons and try new things. If you meet someone you're insanely attracted to - great! If not, you've still had an adventure and tried something new. How can you lose? If you've had any experience with Meet Market Adventures, I'd love to hear from you!. Email me your positive and/or negative experiences.
Articles about love and dating:
- Dating For Introverts
- How to Recognize a Womanizer
- Highly Sensitive People in Love
- 7 Signs of Addictive Relationships
Be brave, be smart, and listen to your heart and your brain, friends.
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Schizophrenia is one of the most devastating psychological disorders. It's difficult to treat because people with schizophrenia often dislike the side effects of medication and find that many anti-psychotic drugs aren't helpful.
Plus, people with schizophrenia often insist they're not ill -- or they stop taking their medication too early. In one study, paliperidone extended release tablets improved the social functioning of people with schizophrenia. This drug is part of a different anti-psychotic medication already proven effective in treating psychological disorders. Researchers are still studying the long term effects of paliperidone to determine the effects of extended use.
For more information about schizophrenia and psychological disorders, read:
Source: Elsevier (2007, December 15). Effective New Treatment For Schizophrenia. ScienceDaily.
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Most of us love reading about human nature - ours and other people's. The beauty of psychology is how applicable it is to every situation, whether you're arguing with your partner or driving in traffic!
10 Most Popular Psychology Articles:
- Psychological Disorders
- Signs of Emotionally Unhealthy Women - Pus Solutions!
- Fear of Intimacy
- The Introvert's Personality Characteristics
- Tips for Surviving an Emotional Affair
- 7 Signs of Addictive Relationships
- What Your Favorite Dog Breed Says About Your Personality
- The Big Five Personality Traits
- A Test for Introverted Personality Traits
- Physical Signs of Depression
If you have any questions, comments or requests for psychology articles, please feel free to email me or comment below. I'd love to hear from you!
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Researchers at Tel Aviv University in Israel found that the more overweight people are, the more likely their breath will smell.
Why? They haven't determined that yet, but breath expert Dr Rosenberg suggested that halitosis may relate to not taking care of bodies. That is, overweight people may be less likely to take care of their physical health - including their mouths - than slim people.
Bad breath plagues millions of people - not just overweight ones. It's cause by a variety of factors: disease, poor dental hygiene, dehydration, and eating strong foods such as garlic and onions. Should you tell people they have bad breath? Absolutely, says Professor Rosenberg. It may be embarrassing -- like telling them their zipper is undone or they have spinach in their teeth. It may be painful, but it's worth it to be honest.
It's time to get serious and achieve your weight loss goals, friends. It's not just about looking good -- it's about smelling good, too! To help you along, here's the best reasons to exercise.
Obesity articles in Psychology include:
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
If you're stressing out this Christmas or feel like you're dealing with Christmas depression, it may be because of the expectations you put on yourself.
You may set yourself up for an unhappy Christmas because you want it to be perfect: delicious food, great presents, gorgeous decorations, and happy family conversations. It doesn't always work that way. Maybe it never works that way.
I think the best way to reduce holiday stress is to lower your expectations of yourself and others. Who cares if the dinner conversation revolves around Brtiney Spears' clothing or the price of gas? Who cares if Aunt Beatrice gets pie-eyed again? Who cares if the presents aren't perfect? Letting go is the best way to reduce Christmas stress.
Find practical ways to relax at Christmas -- and of course, it's always good to know How to Stay Healthy at Christmas.
Simplifying Christmas will also reduce your holiday stress -- even if the people around you are stressed to the max. Their stress doesn't have to be yours!
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
I just read a great article in Redbook (Dec 2007) about Shania Twain -- she's incredibly authentic! Wow. In this interview, she said she struggles with insecurity and not feeling worthy of people's admiration.
She's learning to be herself and not controlling her family; she's realizing how fragile she is. Shania Twain is an introvert, but she may not have been born that way.
"My fame made me very introverted in alot of ways, and I'm just dealing with that now," she says. Interesting, that introverts aren't necessarily born that way. Sometimes we grow into introversion because of our family situation, school experiences, diseases --- or fame (though not many of us are famous, relatively speaking!). Are you an introvert?
Here's a test for introversion. I've also written articles about dating for introverts and communicating with introverts.
Check it out -- and if you're reading this, Shania, maybe you'll learn something new about your personality and communication style! :-)
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
My most recent Christmas article is my saddest one: Grieving at Christmas. I wrote it because this story broke my heart, and because one of my friends is dealing with her first Christmas since her mom died. Christmas and death don't go together very well. But, Christmas and good times can easily coexist........
Christmas articles about having a healthy, happy Christmas:
- How to Stay Healthy at Christmas
- Creating New Christmas Traditions
- 10 Ways to Simplify Christmas
- How to Say I Love You at Christmas
Christmas articles about gifts and presents:
Christmas articles about reducing holiday anxiety and stress:
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
My heart would sink if my husband gave me a diamond necklace or a brand new SUV or Hummer for Christmas because that's really, really not who I am. In fact I'd be insulted to receive those gifts.
But, on the other hand, two of my dearest friends often receive diamond jewelry from the men in their lives -- and they love it. They love the symbolism, beauty, and wearability of those romantic Christmas gifts. I'd rather get a Wii (hint, hint Bruce!).
Christmas shopping for your lover is easy if you're in tune with who they are -- and if they're good at dropping hints. Pay attention to offhand remarks, such as "I've never had a pedicure, but always wanted to try one." If they're turning green (in the eco-friendly way), they may appreciate something that helps them along, like a book about earth-friendly living. If they love to travel, a last minute vacation would be thrilling. If they like to exercise but feel bored with their routine, Wii might spice things up for them (hint, hint Bruce!).
If you need some Christmas gift ideas - romantic or otherwise - check out this popular article, 22 Romantic Eco-Friendly & Traditional Christmas Gift Ideas.
Also, here's how to plan a last minute vacation for the adventurous folk. If you're struggling with holiday anxiety, here's 65 Ways to Reduce Holiday Stress -- because feeling stressed over Christmas is a really bad way to spend time.
I've also written Holiday Stress & Introverts to help introverts stay in touch with themselves during the whirlwind of office parties and family get togethers. Wheeeeeeeeee!! (hint, hint Bruce!).
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Facebook is this "social utility tool" that, in layman's terms, helps people find each other.
Long-lost family members, classmates, university pals, and best friends can catch up -- without the hassle of emailing or calling. After you hook up, you don't have to work hard keep the connection alive; you just send a quick one-liner or check out your friend's profile to keep in touch. I like it.
It sucks too much of my time (I should be writing!), but reconnecting with old high school friends and long-lost family members is good for my health. Even touching base with "enemies" or people you've hurt or disappointed can be good. You can send an apology or wishes for a good life, you can eat some humble pie and try to make amends. Even if you're rebuffed or ignored, at least you can go to bed knowing that you tried to make up.
Finding your old friends and/or facing your demons can be the best thing you can do for your mental health.
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
No wonder I started smoking as a teenager: I started working when I was 13 and still haven't quit. Luckily I did kick the cigarette habit (now, if I could only figure out how to quit the work habit.....).
Researchers have learned that teens who work more than 10 hours a week have a higher incidence of smoking than their non-working peers. One theory is that teens like to feel grown up; working, sex, drugs, and cigarettes all make them feel older than they really are. More research is needed to explore if it's the working conditions, personality, or family that connect working with teenage smoking.
Other research shows that teenage girls on a diet are more likely to start smoking, and teens who see smoking in movies are also more likely to start. Some researchers recommend the nicotine patch for teenage smokers trying to quit, while others suggest education as the best strategy. What works depends on the teen: financial motivations, health problems, appearance-related factors can all affect different people in different ways.
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
I've written a slew of articles on emotional cheating; the most controversial one is, without a doubt, Avoiding Emotional Infidelity: 10 Rules That Protect Your Marriage From Emotional Affairs.
It's based on Dr Gary Neuman's book called Emotional Infidelity: How to Avoid it -- and he's got some pretty strong advice for couples. I'd heard some of the suggestions before, from people who've cheated and from conservative religious folk. Partners who have been betrayed also support this advice, saying it guards your marriage or partnership.
Perhaps it does - but it could also isolate you from real relationships with others. But, if you have a real relationship with your spouse, do you need meaningful relationships with "outsiders"? Each couple makes their own world, with its own rules and language and customs. Dr Neuman's suggestions could protect your world from intruders - or it could barricade you from others, making you an island unto yourself.
More articles about emotional intimacy include How Emotional Cheating Starts and Emotional Affairs.
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
British researchers discovered that counseling or cognitive behavioral therapy improves the symptoms of IBS (constipation, intestinal bloating, diarrhea). Plus, people who are stressed and have high expectations of themselves are more likely to have intestinal problems.
More relaxed, easygoing people don't struggle as much with IBS symptoms. No matter what disease you have, your mental and emotional state plays a huge role in the course it takes -- and how bad your symptoms are.
Your psychological state may not cure every physical problem you have, but it can certainly reduce symptoms. Taking a global perspective (eg, realizing that the problem you have right now may be trivial in a year or even a week) is calming, as is mediation and prayer. Talking through your problems and discovering that other people have been in the same situation is reassuring.
Anything that calms your mind and soothes your soul can lead to fewer symptoms of disease.
Related articles:
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Researchers from the East China Normal University and the Institue of Zoology discovered that fruit bats get their periods just like human females. Well, the female fruit bats menstruate -- the males are spared that ordeal (though many women find it empowering, not a pain in the behind).
Whether fruit bats actually get PMS or not isn't clear, but it seems logical that they undergo some transformation before their periods, just like women. We don't need fruit bats to tell us how to beat PMS symptoms: gourmet chocolate, natural supplements, and extra sleep. The good news is that these fruit bats' menstrual cycles and reproductive systems could provide insights into human disorders and dysfunctions.
In related news, Psychology Today reported that tips are higher when female strippers are ovulating, and lower when they're getting their periods. "Women dress more provocatively and men find them prettier when it's prime time for conception." I bet strippers (and waitresses) are friendlier, more comfortable, and just plain happier when they're not getting their periods, which could help to explain why they earn less money when they're menstruating.
Women earn more money when they feel good. Women seem to feel, act, and appear more attractive when they're ovulating. It's primal: they're ready to get pregnant and instinctively want to attract fathers for their children. I wonder if you are more persuasive when you're ovulating? That may be a good time to convince your partner to take that trip to Thailand or move to Bermuda.
Take note, women. Your powers are multiplying!
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
People over age 65 are most satisfied at work, reports a new University of Chicago study (maybe because they're working because they want to be there. How many people have to work past age 65?).
Of hundreds of people interviewed, 86% are satisfied with their jobs, and 48% are very satisfied. Only 4% are very dissatisfied. You're more likely to be satisfied if you're educated and earning more money. If you're doing unskilled labor you're the least satisfied.
If you're gossiping at work, you could wind up least happy of all. The most satisfying professions involve helping people: teaching, protecting, caring for others.
Creative pursuits also make people happy at work. The researchers didn't report on working from home - which has been one of my absolute favorite jobs ever. Some people love the 10-second commute while others need the structure of the boss and the camaraderie of coworkers.
Overcoming the challenges of the telecommute can require a lot of discipline; maybe it's a better job for introverts, not extroverts. Get back to work ---- you know you want to!
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Luckily, your head doesn't literally blow up when you have exploding head syndrome. The cause is unknown and there's no cure.
People with exploding head syndrome hear a terrifyingly loud bang or roar as they fall asleep; there's no pain involved. It's not really a sleep disorder and it's not really a headache. It's somewhere in between. Migraines, tension and cluster headaches can make you think your head will explode, but it probably won't. They can be symptoms of other medical conditions; they're also caused by stress, dehydration, or fatigue.
Some headaches are triggered by the best parts of life: ice cream and sex. Different pain requires different headache treatments. If your head feels dull and achy and your neck hurts then you may have a tension headache. Easily treated by nonprescription medications, tension headache treatments include natural remedies like massage and acupuncture.
To fight headaches like "exploding head syndrome", learn how to feel good naturally. If you feel pain on one side of your head, are nauseous and sensitive to light and sound, then you may have a migraine.
Prescription medication may be necessary, though massage and a little caffeine are effective. If your pain is sharp, stabbing, and lasts a short time but keeps returning, you could have a cluster headache. Prevention (eg, a healthy lifestyle and alternative therapies) is the best way to avoid headaches like exploding head syndrome.
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Relationship coach Dennie Hughes and matchmaker Matt Titus revealed their expertise about meeting and dating other singles.
Meeting singles:
- more than 50% of all couples meet each other when running errands -- not in bars, lounges, singles parties or speed dating events
- volunteering is one of the best ways to meet people (many cities have a "Volunteer Vancouver" or "Volunteer Calgary" website that offers short and long term volunteer opportunities)
- dance, cooking, and language classes are good places to meet other singles
If you think you have things to deal with, like fear of intimacy, uncontrollable anger problems, or depression -- take care of yourself first. Don't bring others into your problems.
On your date:
- Don't discuss your ex or past relationships.
- Be complimentary, and accept compliments.
- Share the positive aspects of your life.
If you're in a new (or established) relationship, keep your financial, emotional and social independence.
Don't make your life about your partner; to love smart you need to keep in touch with your true self. Know how to say I love you when the time is right -- and keep saying it in little, meaningful ways throughout your relationship.
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
A new chemical imaging fingerprinting technique using gel tapes, microscopes and infrared array detectors can provide all sorts of information about people who leave prints behind (we'll call them criminals since they're why fingerprints are usually analyzed).
Scientists from London's Imperial College have devised a fingerprinting technique that reveals whether a criminal is male or female. High levels of urea in the print indicates it's a male; smaller levels show it's a female. (Aren't you guys washing your hands after washroom visits?)
Amino acids could reveal whether the criminal is a meat-eater or a vegetarian. These chemical images can also offer information about gunpowder, drugs, or chemical weapons. Since fingerprints change over time, these gels strips can also reveal how old a crime scene is and whether arson was involved (for cases in which that's not immediately obvious!).
Convential fingerprinting techniques distort information -- but these gel strips are a simple, effective way to reveal a great deal about the criminal.
Related article:
Source: Science Daily
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Exercise keeps your mind active and your brain sharp! It's been proven over and over, most recently by schizophrenia researchers in Australia. Whether you have schizophrenia, depression, or a phobia -- or even if you're "normal" -- exercise can significantly improve your mind, body and soul.
Hannan and McOmish of the Howard Florey Institute in Melbourne experimented with a genetically altered mouse who had schizophrenia-like symptoms and found that putting him through the ropes (figuratively speaking) improved his condition. His schizophrenia symptoms included abnormal responses, the inability to process complex information, and learning and memory problems.
The exercise they made him do included running wheels and things to see, smell and touch. The schizophrenic mouse showed improved symptoms after he was stimulated by mental and physical exercise.
The researchers also gave him an anti-psychotic drug used by human schizophrenics, which indicated the mouse is a valid representation of the human condition of schizophrenia. Thus their results can be transferred to humans. Now, they're working on an experiemental class of drugs that "mimic the effects of environmental enrichment in the brain to treat various brain disorders, possibly including schizophrenia."
Even with this new medication schizophrenics need a combination of a healthy diet, physical and mental activity and the right drugs to combat their condition (we could all use that combination, couldn't we? Except for the drugs maybe. They can set you up for mental illness later).
Related articles:
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
The summer 2007 issue of Time featured a short article on Fatal Femmes Fighting called "It's Ladies' Fight."
Reading about women pummeling each other practically to death was interesting -- and then the next day I discovered "Anger, Depression Much Higher Among Jailed Teen Girls Than Boys" on Science Daily.
Are women getting more violent? I've never been in a fight with another woman (or man, for that matter, unless you count the guy who tried to rape me) -- and I've never been tempted to punch, scratch, bite or kick anyone (unless you count my sister, but that doesn't count because sisters are supposed to fight like cats and dogs).
It's a little scary that aggression in girls and women is becoming common, even publicized like Fatal Femmes Fighting. I like the idea of women being nurturing, warm, smart, kind and capable of handling a dozen things at once (like Claire Huxtable). Knowing that they find "the ability to break someone's arm" cool opens a whole new world. It's not necessarily bad, it's just different than the traditional woman who holds down a high-powered job, waits until she's in her late 30's to get married and have kids, and pushes past the glass ceiling. Now she's "grounding and pounding" her peers.
Fight Club For Girls proves that we've come a long way, baby.
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Did you mention your daily dose of extra-potent vitamins and minerals to your doctor the last time you had to take prescription medication? Be careful about that --- certain combinations of compounds can be hazardous to your health, whether they're completely natural or man-made.
Researchers at the University of Alberta have discovered that natural health products may be effective, but they're harmful when mixed with prescription meds. People don't realize that the combination of something natural and seemingly "harmless" (garlic, St. John's wort) with prescribed drugs could cause reactions such as rashes, headaches, or worse. Pharmacists report that only 5% of people filling their prescription ask about potential drug interactions. Rise above the crowd, my friends.
Find out if your super duper vitamins and minerals could negate your meds, or even combine to be dangerous to your health.
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
"If you're never scared or embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take any chances," says Julia Sorel.
The greatest risk of all is being vulnerable to fear, embarrassment, or rejection. Hurt. Since we don't like those feelings, we constantly try to protect ourselves. This gives us safe, thin lives. Safe, thin, boring lives.
What chances - or risks - have you taken lately? I once heard we should take a risk a day. This doesn't have to be a death-defying risk like parachuting or dodging traffic; it can be striking up a conversation with a stranger or being the first to apologize.....saying "I love you", calling or emailing someone from your past, or going to a new church.
Or it can be bigger, like starting a new business or asking for a promotion or inviting your mother-in-law over for coffee. Risks are hard to take, but your self-esteem will rise even if the risk doesn't pay off. Ask someone out; even if they say no you can be proud that you reached out. Be honest with a colleague; even if it backfires, you know that you tried. Send out your resume or child into the world....who knows what could come back to you? A bigger paycheck is one consequence of higher self-esteem.
Last week I interviewed Amrita Sondhi, bestselling author of The Modern Ayurvedic Cookbook and co-creator of Lululemon yoga wear. Talk about a risk-taker; she starts companies, writes books, teaches yoga, climbs mountains, ends partnerships, and talks to strangers. She takes risks; sometimes she succeeds, sometimes she fails. That's life. That's what makes her interesting. Probably her failures are more interesting than her successes - the same is true of all of us.
One of the most fascinating things Amrita told me was that you have to feel your feelings. Don't run from them; go into them so they don't control you. Declutter your mind and soul so you're open to creativity and freedom! It's cleansing to have a good long cry, passionate angry rant, or wild exciting leaps of joy!
If someone were to interview you, what would they be amazed to learn? What risks have you taken? Most importantly, how have you bounced back from setbacks and tried again?
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
My friend thinks interviewing for a job you know you don't want makes you look bad and is a waste of everyone's time. I disagree -- strongly! Going on a job interview just to try and land the job is a mistake. Interviews should be about more than simply winning the job.
You go on interviews to:
- Determine if the job is the right fit for you - if your experience, skills, education, and personality meshes with the company.
- Find out about the hours, salary, expectations, future, and other staff.
- Learn about the stress level and related things like health benefits, incentives, personal days, paid time off, etc.
- Discover if there are other related, upcoming positions in the company that you may be more suitable for.
- Make contacts for the future - make a great first impression!
- Discuss whether the vision of the organization and your professional goals mesh.
- Get a feel for who you'd be working for.
- Get practice for job interviews that you really do want.
- Learn how to trust your gut.
Don't interview simply to sell yourself. Learn about the company through your discussion -- you should be interviewing them just as much as being interviewed.
Remember that high self-esteem translates to a bigger salary. My interview was for an editor/reporter position at our island newspaper. Even though I knew I didn't want to work full-time, we still had an amazing two hour interview - it was my best interview ever, in fact. I now have a shot at being a columnist for the paper as well as covering for other reporters at other papers when they're on vacation. Those jobs are much better for me and I may have created them out of an interview for a job I didn't want (and am underqualified for, as it turns out).
Plus, I had a great discussion with my interviewer, who is the publisher of a network of newspapers -- and we enjoyed a genuine connection. The worst case scenario is we had a good chat, but we never meet again. The best case scenario is I land a couple of jobs I do want and forward my career.
So take that interview even if you're not really into the job. It could lead to even better possibilities -- don't be afraid to ask for what you want! Go ahead....create the job of your dreams!
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Last week, in the middle of the night, I woke up to see a man walking down the slope behind our house (we live in a wooded area on an island; our bedroom window is level with the bed). He was heading toward the house.
As soon as I realized this guy was headed toward my bedroom window, I threw myself off the bed and plastered myself on the floor, hoping he'd think nobody was home. Then I realized I'd be visible from the side window, so I crawled over the the corner of the room and pressed against the wall. After a few seconds, my heart thudding.......I slowly woke up. It was a dream.
I dreamed that the guy was outside, but I physically responded by scrambling all over the room -- and I was incredibly confused and still scared when I woke up. That was a sleep-walking nightmare. (I don't have insomnia, I have nightmares! Which is worse?)
Night terrors on the other hand are different in that people can't remember what terrified them. They can't be wakened from their experience -- the night terror can last from 10-20 minutes. Night terrors aren't dreams, they're sleep disorders characterized by an inability to wake up, extreme terror, and no recall of what exactly was terrifying them.
Sleep-related eating disorders are another form of sleep disorder, in which people eat in the night without waking up. Sleep-eating affects about 2% of the US population, and is becoming more researched -- more people are coming "out of the closet" as it were.
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Traditional psychology holds that narcissists have an inflated self-concept. Narcissists need attention constantly, feel they're entitled to everything, and they have monstrous egos. They really want to be superior to others and to think well of themselves - sometimes passionately so.
A narcissists' sense of personal superiority isn't based on reality, and it's often off-putting and offensive to others. Narcissists are often very aggressive to people they feel are offending or attacking them. They want to punish people who threaten their self-image. They find criticism extremely upsetting - and they lash out. It would seem to follow that narcissists have negative perceptions of themselves - both unconsciously and consciously.
Narcissists don't think highly of any part of themselves, which is why they have to work so hard to defend their self-concept. "We are often quick to attribute their shallow behavior to an unconscious self-loathing."
But, recent research from the Universities of Georgia and South Florida show that narcissists don't completely dislike themselves. They report "positive unconscious self-views" - which means they like themselves at some level. Narcissists rate their status, dominance, and intelligence positively; in contrast, they rate their kindness, morality, and emotional intimacy negatively.
Maybe narcissists are more insightful and self-aware than previously thought!
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
University of Minnesota assistant sociology professor Ann Meier discovered that the majority of teens didn't experience depression after having sex for the first time. This doesn't fall in line with previous American legislation information; namely, that nonmarital sex between teens is harmful to their mental health.
Though the majority of teens weren't negatively affected by sex, there were some who were. Girls are particularly vulnerable to depression when they're younger teens and in relationships that aren't emotionally close. They're also more prone to depression when the relationship falls apart after having sex.
That girls - and boys - are negatively affected by more casual sex isn't suprising! Sharing your body for the first time when you're so young and uncommitted is huge. Not to mention the fact that you're dealing with hormones, teachers, parents, crazy emotions, and figuring out who you are! Meier states that the risk of suffering mental health problems due to teen sex is low -- but that's still a significant number of kids at risk (considering that half of the teen population is having sex).
Meier emphasized that the positive effects of nonmarital sex between teens is not represented in this study. Sex is splashed all over tv, movies, magazines, books -- it's no secret that we're a highly sexualized nation. Since forced isolation and abstinence isn't effective or healthy, the best approach may be to talk to your kid (if you can) about why she's having sex -- and help her make choices best suited to her personality and lifestyle.
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Cannabis does relieve chronic pain and is legally prescribed in some places. I wonder if vaporizing instead of smoking it would affect users.
For instance, is there something in the "toking" of a marijuana cigarette that contributes to the high? Psychologically speaking, of course. Maybe you know what I mean: the whole feel of rolling the marijuana, sealing it up, and sparking a joint can be part of the whole enjoyable high. It's the anticipation, the preparation, that's part of the fun.
Of course, patients who use marijuana to reduce pain may not be interested in the process of rolling and smoking joints. In fact, participants of one study found vaporized marijuana to be quicker and more efficient -- plus it has fewer side effects. In this study, University of California (San Francisco) researchers discovered that vaporizing marijuana instead of smoking it leads to the same biological effects. That is, it alleviates chronic pain -- but it doesn't expose patients to harmful toxins like smoking does. Participants in this study preferred vaporized marijuana to smoking it, which may mean the process probably isn't part of the end results for them. But the high is the same.
Vaporizing marijuana doesn't sound as illicit and exotic as smoking it, though. Maybe that's an added benefit: it's not as cool, so people may not seek when they don't really need to. When I think of vaporizing, I think of Star Trek, not marijuana.
Maybe if these female serial killers had a toke or two, they'd be less likely to murder.
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
"Married No Kids" is a huge discussion topic on many women's sites. Childfree women discuss baby showers, celebrities' decisions to adopt, how kids behave in public, and what to tell people about their childfree status. They defend their right to have kids. They support each other in breaking the news to parents and in-laws. They vent their anger and share their feelings.
And maybe couples without kids are to something: "Most studies have shown that psychological well-being tends to decline when people have kids," says sociologist Amy Pienta, from the University of Michigan. "In mid-life, being married or having a partner has a greater impact on a woman's well-being than whether or not she has children."
So, being with an intimate partner can provide more happiness than children! Interesting. I wonder why psychological well-being declines when you have kids…is it because you're concerned about their safety, happiness, and basic needs? I don't have children so I'm just speculating here….maybe it's because you don’t' have the same freedom that you once did. You can't pursue your own passions and goals - or fulfill your fulfill your potential - with the zeal you once did (or wish you did before the kids came along).
In our pro-family culture, being childfree really is stepping out of society's comfort zone. I don't know many people who've chosen it – though I do know some infertile couples who are childfree, but not by choice. If you're arguing with your spouse about whether you should have kids, read Resolving Conflict in Marriage.
And for more info on being childfree, but not by choice, go to Quips & Tips for Couples Coping With Infertility.
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
I picked my car up at the mechanic's shop yesterday, and arranged to take the car back in a couple of days and have the rest of the work done. No problem. I asked if I could pay both bills at the same time -- the first was minimal, the later one is gonna be huge -- when all the work is done in two days. Okay, she said. Then she grumbled about balancing her month end stuff, threw my bill into a corner, and refused to look at me again.
She was mad -- at me.
Why is it my fault?! Because I asked for what I wanted? Geez. If she wanted me to pay right then, she should have asked me to pay then. Instead she complied with my request and got mad at me. She was angry and resentful. I paid the bill.
This is a common problem for women, I think. We agree to do things we don't want to do, and then we get mad at other people -- as if it's their fault! But it's not. If you agree to do something, then do it without grumbling or getting angry. If you don't want to do it, then don't. If you do it for altruistic reasons, then find another way to express your anger or resentment. Don't take it out on people who ask for stuff!
Learn how to say no without feeling guilty, or yes without getting mad.
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Men have lower rates of insomnia than women -- which isn't too shocking since women tend to think too much and worry more than men do (this is my opinion, not a scientific fact as far as I know. Though it could be, I bet. In fact I think I should look it up -- I bet it IS a proven fact!).
Anyway, even though women are twice as likely to struggle with insomnia than men, they sleep better if they're educated (I wonder if people who do yoga sleep better, too?). A Taiwanese survey found that the more higher education a woman has, the better she sleeps --- and it's the opposite in men. The more education they have, the less well they sleep.
Women who are divorced or separated struggle with insomnia. It's gotta be the stress of being a single mom, dealing with child support, adjusting to being alone again, and even the stigma of being divorced. But don't men deal with the same issues? Maybe they don't fret about them. Instead, they worry about work. Plus, it seems like there are more single women than men --- it seems like women have to work harder to stay attractive than men do. Men can get paunchy, bald, and saggy and they just roll with it. Women color their hair, work out, eat healthy foods, and wax/shave/laser their hairy body parts.
The effects of lost sleep are pretty bad -- and life's just not as fun when you're tired. So if you have to go back to school or drink lots of warm milk, do it. Take charge of your life! Your mental and physical health will thank you......
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Stanford university researchers are quantifying what exactly an internet addiction is: Is it it's own psychological disorder or is it a symptom of depression or obsessive-compulsive tendencies?
These researchers found that 60% of companies surveyed had disciplined their employees for surfing the net on company time; 30% were fired for it. A "great deal" of non-essential internet use takes place at work - from online pornography to gambling to shopping to personal emailing.
Whether all this internet surfing indicates a serious cyberaddiction or simply "normal" goofing off on company time remains to be seen.....but I'm certain we've been goofing off since cave man days! That tips the scale towards mere goofing off. However, the internet addiction thing is a little scary. I know I'm hooked on the net, and wouldn't give it up for all the tea in China.
Of course, I'm not a tea drinker so that doesn't mean much. :-)
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Someone gave me a "thumbs down" on StumbleUpon on my article, 64 Ways to Say "I Love You" because it simply states how not to be a s**t to your lover. Too much common-sense, he said, not enough innovation.
I was insulted at first -- receiving criticism isn't exactly my favorite activity - but then I thought about it a little. The guy is 23 years old; I wonder how his youth affects his perspective? I mean, if you've been married for any amount of time you know that it really is the little things that count - it's not the grandiose gestures (trips to Paris and romantic candlelit dinners.). It's putting the toilet seat down and actually listening and saying what you really mean.
I also wonder if this guy is married, or in a relationship. I wonder what his partners think of him, and if he does show his affection. Does he really know how not to be a s**t to his lover -- and if so could he share his insights? Finally, I found it interesting that he's British! I have these stereotypical views of them: stiff upper lip, not showing emotion, not expressing love. Of course I'm being prejudicial......but don't stereotypes exist for a reason?
Anyway, he gave me the Thumbs Down a couple weeks ago, and I've been mulling over it ever since. Not just because I'm a little insulted, but because I really think those little things are the ones that really count. They do in my relationship, anyway. If you have an opinion or want to share your perspective, I've started a discussion called "I Love You controversy."
Give it a visit, tell me what you think about love, loving, and lovers!
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Have you noticed a difference in male versus female communication amounts? Specifically, the number of words per day? I definitely talk more than my darling hubby, and I used to think it was because women use about 3 times as many words as men do.
But, it turns out that data is a "complete fabrication" according to University of Pennsylvania linguist Mark Liberman (in the March 2007 issue of Psychology Today). He states that there hasn't been a reputable study that shows women talking that much more than men. Not only is there no significant gender difference, men actually say a few more words per day than women. Hmm.
What's behind these complete fabrications that women are motor mouths? Sexism, says Deborah Cameron, an Oxford University professor. She cites the belief that women should be silent, as "recommended by ancient authorities ranging from Sophocles ot St. Paul." She also blames "popular psychology, which panders to stereotypes to sell books." Ouch. Not that I've sold any books (but I hope to!).
So, my husband's not getting off so lightly in the conversational game from now on! I'll suggest he reread Make Small Talk until making conversation becomes second nature.......
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
I shared my opinion yesterday at work yesterday, and was met with absolute silence. I killed the conversation! Has that ever happened to you?
I asked my coworker and her friend what they thought of The Secret (I knew they'd seen the movie last week). They smiled and nodded; they seemed to like it. I said I liked it too, but wished the movie had more practical and applicable information. For instance, I want to write books but I certainly won't get published by simply sending out positive thoughts. It's not as simple as grass growing (because in the movie, they said don't strive or work for what you want -- because the grass doesn't work to grow, does it?).
When I said that, there was total silence.
They both sort of looked at me, looked up at the ceiling, looked at their watches, and looked at each other. The friend started to back out of the office. The silence was suffocating and heavy, like a thick fog. I started to laugh, because it was so weird! Which made it funny. Now, was it me or was it them? Was I totally out of line, did they not understand what I was saying, or did we just not connect somehow? Or maybe they hate me, who knows. I'm hoping it's happened to you, too - because that means I'm not alone. I like knowing we're all in this together!
If I was more on the ball, I would have used my small talkin' charms to fire up the conversation again.........but the truth is when you don't connect with people, you just don't connect. It can be as simple as that.
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
There's no such thing as a "lucky person." We're ALL lucky!
I'm reading Marc Myers' How to Make Luck Happen, and I was hooked on the first page! He dispels myths about luck, and shares 7 secrets to making luck happen. I've only read the myths, and will write about his 7 secrets as I discover them.
Myers states that we all have good and bad in our lives, and lucky people simply focus on the good. This creates more good, which improves their mood and supports their beliefs about themselves, that they're lucky and happy and positive. It's an upward spiral.
It can also be a downward spiral: if you think you're unlucky, all you'll focus on is the bad things in your life. Then more bad things will happen, and you'll feel even more unlucky. Then you'll be glum and passive, without the energy to strive towards your goals. I think this book will be the start of a whole new perspective for me! I'm a lucky person, and I like my life (okay, now send me good stuff like contracts from publishers and acceptances from magazines).
Myers' statements about luck are the same as The Secret and the Law of Attraction, but his book resonates more with me, probably because his ideas seem more applicable. I love the law of attraction, but I'm a practical person who needs specific, concrete ways to achieve my goals. I think this book may help me with that....
Here's all 7 of my Law of Attraction articles, in case you need a refresher (or would like to read them for the first time)!
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
I'm taking a new approach to this Psychology blog; this is my first truly personal one!
Until now, I never really applied what I know about blogs versus articles. As a writer for Suite, I do both -- but I haven't been "doing" blogs properly. Someone asked what the difference between blogs and article is on the main Mind and Soul page, and it was explained correctly: blogs are more personal thoughts about life and stuff, while articles give information about given topics.
The thing is, who wants to read a stranger's personal reflections about life and whatever? That's the main reason I have trouble writing blogs. I don't read other people's blogs, and I have a hard time understanding why others would want to read mine. Unless of course I'm famous or fascinating (which I'm sad to say I'm not, really).
Another problem I have with blogs is that I write in my own personal journal every morning and that gets all my personal reflections out of the way. When I write on my laptop, I want to write inspirational and informative stuff, not my other blathering thoughts that aren't really going to help anyone. But, I'll give personal blogs a go and see if they inspire people to post to my discussions or read my articles or email me their thoughts!
What do YOU think of blogs? Do you read them, write them, or dismiss them?
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
If you're mildly depressed, you may be more in tune with the emotions of other people!
Even though depressed people are more likely to struggle socially, they've been found to be more perceptive to the feelings of others. There is a difference between clinical and mild depression, though. Queen's University researchers found that clinically depressed people are worse at "mental state decoding" - which is identifying other people's emotions from social cues. Eye expressions, posture, tone of voice, etc. are social cues that tip us off to how others are feeling.
Mildly depressed people are better at mental state decoding because they have more concern for their surroundings. They want to stop feeling helpless; they want to gain control of their surroundings again. They may be motivated to look for cues to how others are thinking and feeling as part of the path towards reconnecting with their social world. The bigger picture is mild versus clinical depression - which can be a controversial issue! Are there significant differences between the two? Often, depression is viewed as a continuum without major "thresholds" or markers like mental state decoding.
Signs of depression range from eating less to sighing more; causes of depression vary from genetics to traumatic events in life. Finding a therapist you connect with is one of the best things you can do to help yourself or a family member with depression.
And, don't dismiss alternative approaches to combating depression, such as yoga!
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Knowing about The Secret and the Law of Attraction is something; seeing the movie is something else! It's dramatic, inspirational, and compelling - and our little island movie theatre is showing it free of charge (come on over to Bowen Island, BC!).
The Secret is almost too easy: ask for what you want, believe you'll get it, and receive it. Is it too easy? And, will you be immune to accidents, illnesses, and tragedies simply by sending out positive thoughts and feelings into the universe?
I do find that hard to swallow - as much as I'd LOVE to believe it. My husband and I are trying it, though! Last night we visualized our baby in the next room (we've been trying to conceive for about 15 months). We'll visualize having an extra $50,000 by September 2008 so we can add to our house -- to make room for our babies.
And I'm visualizing my three books being published within three years. I like the idea of enjoying the feelings associated with what you want. When you think about your goals and dreams, imagine how you'll feel when they actually come true: joyful, amazed, content, thrilled, awestruck, fulfilled....those feelings are the ones that you need to send into the universe, and they will returned to you -- magnified.
Learn about The Secret - what do you have to lose?
Here are 7 Secret articles:
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
The Secret, or the Law of Attraction, has a main premise: We have CONTROL over our lives! We attract what we think, feel, and project.
To attract good and positive things - the stuff we want - we need to formulate our thinking in positive terms. For instance, instead of saying, "I don't want to stutter or drool or otherwise botch my public speaking engagement tonight," say, "I want to eunciate my words, speak in a charismatic and interesting tone, and make sure everyone understands my three main points. I also want to make them laugh at least once!"
If you're looking for a partner, say "I want to meet someone who is healthy, happy, smart, and motivated." Focus on the good characteristics -- and nurture those qualities in yourself. If you're striving for professional success, focus your thoughts, actions, and statements on what you do want. A promotion, those particular clients, that office, or even a whole new city - always keep your goals in mind. I like the idea of focusing your thoughts and energy on your goals every morning.
I haven't created a vision board yet, but I can see how it could create success! Just keeping your dreams in front of you makes you focus everything you have on achieving them. It's no longer a back burner thing, it's front and center, and very very possible. Writing about Oprah's first show on The Secret, and her second show that described more about the Law of Attraction, really helped me solidify those ideas in my mind!
I wrote a third article about applying The Secret to daily life, which puts the timing thing into perspective (nothing happens overnight).
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Margaret Trudeau (former wife of past Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau) is speaking out about the stigma attached to mental illness.
She struggled with bipolar disorder for 35 years, and now has chosen sanity. She was hospitalized three times for depression: once after giving birth to her first son, the second time after one son died, and the third time after her ex-husband Pierre died. The stigma surrounding mental illness is pervasive! Movies, tv, books - all cast a shadow on disorders like depression, schizophrenia, anxiety.
Last month, someone at a dinner party said, "I don't talk to crazy people," - making it difficult but necessary for me to share that my mom is schizophrenic. Trudeau is encouraging Canadians to speak out openly about mental health, and take days off when they feel mentally unwell.
Similar to taking a sick day, taking a "mental health day" would benefit everyone. Indeed, when I worked at an American school in Africa, we were allowed three personal days a year, which I loved taking! They were days to do nothing - it was great.
Going to a counselor also carries a great deal of stigma. It's embarrassing to admit we can't handle life alone, that we need professional help.
Yet the objective, trained perspective of a counselor is invaluable in helping us see our own faulty thinking and fears about relationships. Margaret Trudeau's goal is to take the stigma out of mental illness - and help people get mentally fit.
Very cool!
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Why do introverts get the short end of the personality stick? Because extroverts are the ones who are out there, basking in the center of attention and enjoying the party.
Extroverts are at home anywhere, and are happiest when there's lots of people around. They seem more well-adjusted and happier. Extroverts seem to have more friends and more self-confidence. They seem more successful and adventurous.
But things aren't always what they seem -- people aren't always what they seem! I'm an introvert, and I didn't know it was a legitimate personality style until I was in my early 20's. I thought I was just messed up because I love being alone, reading and thinking and writing and daydreaming. I'd rather be at home than anywhere else, and I'm rarely lonely or bored.
Introverts just seem weirder than extroverts. They're harder to get to know, and can be harder to make conversation with (though that's not true in my case - I talk easily to most strangers and friends). Introverts seem to have a bad time at parties and in crowds, because they really aren't comfortable in groups of people. They like to watch and listen and reflect, which makes them seem strange. Unless they're famous or brilliant - then it's "normal" for them to display their introverted characteristics.
What about you: are you introverted? Here is a description of introverted personality traits.
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Your personality can be more important than your appearance! After all, people have to connect with and be able to talk to you - drooling over your sexy body or heart-shaped face can only take the relationship so far.
Plus, there are few things less attractive than a scowling face no matter how many blonde curls surround it, or a selfish personality no matter how lean and long the legs are. If a woman is likeable and friendly, men will think favorably of her - overlooking her size and weight.
A study conducted by the University of Central Florida found that participants who were given positive personality traits were more accepting of women than those who thought the women had negative or neutral traits. For instance, if a participant believed a woman was friendly and kind, he was more likely to rate her as attractive - despite her size and shape.
Hmm.....I always shrugged my husband's words off when he said, "I don't care how much you weigh - you're beautiful no matter what." I thought he was buttering me up for sex! Maybe not....maybe he was telling the truth. Imagine that.
Perhaps all our body image fears and struggles would be better off being replaced with considering our Big Five personality traits, striving for authenticity, and being open to change.
Source: Psychology Today magazine.
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
I was studying Psychology at the undergrad level when I had drinks and appetizers with a depressed girl. She was single and living at home with her 2 year old daughter. Our conversation deteriorated when she described her depression and I "wisely" advised her to snap out of it, saying she could overcome it by positive thinking (and maybe some exercise, too).
She was furious -- and rightfully so!
That interaction is burned into my memory not just because she was right and I was wrong, but because there's so much more to depression than positive thinking and exercise. There's drugs, too. Seriously, it's a nasty disorder that's wreaks havoc on the depressed person - as well as friends, family, and even colleagues. It can disrupt life horribly, and people who have overcome it say they'll never forget the dark emotional depths to which they can sink.
The World Health Organization figures depression will be the number one disorder by 2020. About 10-15% of the population experiences depression (the word itself is sad and draggy!), and 5% struggles with manic depression. Scientists are still uncovering the causes of depression - though there are three main theories.
Mortality rates of depressed people are high and the socioeconomic costs to society are increasing, making the discovery of the cause quite important. Coping when someone you love has depression is never easy - here are some suggestions to make dealing with depression easier.
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Some say it's easy to know when you're over your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend: you're ready to meet new people, go out on dates, and think about the future with someone else.
But you may think you're over your ex, and then you freeze on your first date with someone new, or you totally melt down during the date, or you fantasize about your ex during the whole meal (or movie, opera, football game). You weren't over your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend after all!
Letting go of your past relationship and the hope for love is difficult, especially if you still spend time with your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. Often, getting over your ex is like breaking an addiction, or grieving the death of a friendship.
Knowing you're ready to move on is a different experience for everyone: for some, it's throwing out an old t-shirt or ball cap. For others, it's deleting their number from your speed dial. Perhaps the best way to know you're over your ex is when you hear they're with someone new, and you sincerely wish them well. You occasionally think about your relationship with feelings of peace, resolution, and contentment --- not sadness, pain, or the desire to be in it again.
If you're having trouble getting over your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, read 10 Tips for Surviving a Breakup.
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
I've never been into Valentine's Day. When I was single, it made me feel lonely and unloved. I didn't enjoy seen the pink, red, and white decorations all over the stores and I dreaded the day itself.
Now that I'm married, I still don't see the value in Valentine's Day! We celebrate our love on anniversaries, and don't need an ordained love day. I have all the chocolate, flowers, and cards I need from Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, Easter --- I really don't need more on Valentine's Day. Love really isn't in the air for me on Valentine's Day!
However, others have a whole different perspective: they enjoy the romance and gifts and warm fuzzy feelings. This could be a personality thing, or even a "how we met" thing (couples who meet over the internet may experience Cupid differently).
And -- I guess if you're stuck in one of the three stages of love, maybe you could use a boost like Valentine's Day. It could inject a little sorely needed romance and energy into your relationship - and that's never a bad thing.
If you have any thoughts about love on Valentine's Day (or lack of love), please comment below!
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Not only do your Big Five Personality Traits affect your health and lifestyle, it also affects your propensity to exercise!
Your Big Five personality traits do change over time. They affect your achievements, friends, goals, health, and even the type of exercise you do!
According to a new study by Amy Hagan, a graduate student at the University of Florida, extroverts are more successful when they exercise in a gym versus at home, because they like large groups (more excitement and stimulation). People who like new experiences (the openness trait) may be better off running, hiking, or exercising outdoors. Neurotic people are least likely to exercise - but may need it the most to quell their anxieties and worries.
You can change your personality if you want -- but always strike a balance between self-acceptance and healthy growth.
For more info, read How Personality Traits Affect Your Fitness Goals.
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
We were hit with a snow and rain storm the other day; I abandoned my car midway up one of our hills, and got a ride with the next person who drove by. I love that about living on Bowen Island, BC, Canada!
I also love that he was a shaman who looked like a Harley Davidson biker; he heals long distance. And, we know many of the same people -- and what they've been up to.
Island life is definitely less private than city life. If you have a phobia, - or if you're trying to overcome it - everyone knows it. If you're afraid of intimacy, everyone pretty much knows that too.
Do you think you could live on a small island, with 3,500 other people? It's similar to living in a small town....but you can't just drive away whenever you want. You gotta wait for the ferry...
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Recent research shows that using your subconscious impulses is more effective than thinking too much. If you're making a decision, remember that your impulse may be your best bet!
The University College London found that subjects performed with a 95% accuracy when asked to make snap decisions, and were 70% accurate when given time to think. In some cases, you'll make better decisions when you don't have time to weigh all your options!
How does this apply to real life? Well, for instance, if you think you or someone else has a fear of intimacy, yet you can't pinpoint your reasons...maybe you're right. Maybe your instincts are picking up on signs that you haven't consciously realized yet. Hopefully, you'll listen to your impulses, and make a decision based on what your head says...not what your heart wants you to do.
More information about impulse decisions can be found on on-line in Current Biology.
Posted by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
In a radio interview, a life coach/psychologist said she researched how long it takes to begin a new habit, and couldn’t find any evidence that it takes 31 days. There’s no hard evidence that it takes that long – the day before, I’d heard it takes as little as two weeks.
If you’re into a new lifestyle or habit this year – or want to kick an old one – Breaking the Addiction provides five practical tips.