Dec 19, 2006

I finally have Tivo

Ladies and Gentleman, I have Tivo. Yes, I see you looking at me with your mouths agape, saying, "But she writes about television, how could she not have Tivo?" Well let me tell you a little story.

I was interested in Tivo. It sounded like a good idea, being able to record all those shows, season passes, wishlists, suggestions...yes indeed, I was in favor of Tivo. But I was waiting until I moved in to a new apartment, and I couldn't afford it yet anyway, so it seemed sensible to wait. Then I had dinner at my friends house. Tivo came up. And she said, "How could you not have Tivo? You write about television!" And then... she said the magic words: "You can have my Tivo box. I switched to my cable company's DVR." Ok, the words would have been more magical if she'd said something like, "I'm giving you a lifetime subscription to Tivo," but anyway...stay with me.

So I took the box home, and a couple of weeks later got around to buying a subscription. And then a couple of months later I got around to hooking it up. And that's where our story goes downhill. Because I couldn't hook this sucker up if Michael Scofield was coaching me. It wasn't just the cords, although they were troublesome enough. No, it was the random trivia questions during the set up, like "What channel is Home Shopping Network? Ch 6, 13 or 21?" How the hell should I know? Why couldnt they ask me what channel was ABC, or even A&E?

So I finally get through the initial set up until Hazzah! The screen appears telling me that the powering up process is beginning. And beginning. Aaaannnnd beginning. Clearly nothing was happening here, and that Tivo TV guy was just going to stand there mocking me.

Finally, something happens! There was an errror in your set up the bastard Tivo TV Guy tells me. I tried it again, and again, until finally the screen gives up and fades to gray. Well, gray with a static line going though it ("What direction was the static going in?" my co-worker asks."Because that makes a difference.")

I called the Tivo help people. I thought the Tivo TV Guy was a shining example of arrogant mockery, you should have heard the Tivo support guy. He brought me to tears somewhere between "What is wrong with you? Why can't you figure this out?" and "Holy mother of god, are you stupid?" (I'm not making this up.) So I said, "Screw you Tivo, I want my money back because your box sucks." Or something like that. Ha, that'll show 'em.

Actually, it didn't. I thought the Tivo TV Guy and the Tivo Support Guy were bad, you should have head the robot that I talked to over in Customer Service. "I'm sorry ma'am [!] but you signed a contract" like I was some deadbeat who tries to stiff digital recording companies for extra cash or free DVRs. I did manage to get her to agree to send me a new box as long as I returned my broken one. (Yes, I insisted that they send me a return label.)

It finally arrived last week, and I bribed my friend with pizza to come over and hook it up. No mocking Tivo TV Guy this time. This go-around he was bouncing aound like the creepy Ticket Stub Guy at the movies. And so was I. I played for hours setting up my season passes to the tune of the "poppop." Finally, Tivo is my friend.