The Painful Journey To My Son

Posted by Joanna Karpasea-Jones Jul 8, 2007

2003 was the worst year of my life. I lost my pregnancy at 12 weeks in terrible circumstances and my relationship at that time crumbled. I lost not only my child but my partner too. I wanted to curl up and die. My periods didn't return as I expected them too and I hoped that maybe I was still pregnant and everyone else was wrong. I even did pregnancy tests which showed positive, only to be told by the doctor that my hormone levels would take weeks to go down, so it was an extremely cruel false positive.

Frustrated, I could not even try for a baby without my periods. I know I should have been thankful, I already had 4 children, but I yearned for my angel baby in Heaven. For a short time, I engaged in one night stands and put my health and my life at risk to try and give life to a child I thought was waiting to be born to me. It didn't happen, and couldn't without menstruation.

Eventually I gave up and got rid of the no good men in my life, trying to pick up my tattered self-esteem. Until that point, the only person I'd ever slept with was my husband, which is an achievement in these days of multiple partners and rampant divorce rates.

I realised that I was single and tried to shut thoughts of a baby out of my head. When my best friend told me she was pregnant, after 3 years of trying, I should have been happy, and I was, for her, but thinking of my lost baby nearly killed me, my arms ached to hold that child so badly. I went home and cried. Everywhere around me people were pregnant, having babies or deeply in love.

For 3 years I went to sleep alone, wondering if I'd ever be happy again.

On 29 May 2007, my son was born in my living room after a quick and relatively easy home birth. I didn't have any drugs for pain relief and as the midwives passed him to me and I looked at his beautiful face, I was overwhelmed with love. He made the past 4 years of hell worth it.

He is now 5 weeks old and although I am exhausted and sleep deprived, I am the happiest I have been in years. So even if you've hit rock bottom and everyone else is having babies, don't give up because you never know what is round the corner.