Parenting with Confidence

Posted by Connie Newbauer Oct 25, 2006

In the midst of a glorious summer day, I returned home to find my husband lying, legs dangling off our bed, looking for all the world like he had lost his best friend. In a way, he had. When queried about his mood, he simply answered, “Everybody hates me.” We had been experiencing one of hose weeks as parents when nobody understands the language you’re speaking – and it was taking its toll!

My husband is not prone to moodiness, or worrying too much about who likes him and who doesn’t. The military taught him that lesson over the course of more then twenty years. His last assignment in the military was as a Company Commander training recruits in the basic rudiments of the military way. This particular job demands a no nonsense style of authority and discipline – and he does this well. Why then were a few children giving him so many problems?

While doing his job, Paul understood that recruits are not supposed to like you when doing your job well - one of the qualities that made him outstanding at his job. Unfortunately, Paul, like most other parents expect to discipline their children and have them like us; not only is that expectation unrealistic, it can make us terribly ineffective at our jobs as parents.

In the long run, it is the guidelines we lay down for children that cultivates something much deeper than like; it cultivates a lasting love, respect and security as they grow. Isn’t that worth a few moments off a child’s like scale?

Discipline to keep your child safe, emotionally as well as physically. Before you know it, your toddler will be back up in your lap asking for a story, your grade-school child will want to throw the ball with you and your middle schooler will be chatting with you about her latest crush – all as if nothing has happened.

Consistent discipline is not the only lesson Paul and I have learned from the military. We have also learned the principles of double jeopardy. In the military and in the American justice system, double jeapardy is something to be avoided. In our life as parents, we totally believe in double jeopardy and spread the word!

Our children dread the first time I go in to meet their teachers. From the time they’ve been in kindergarten, I’ve made the effort to go in and establish a relationship with their teachers and administrators prior to the first conference. One of the reasons I do this is to get a feel for the curriculum, the person teaching it and to make our views known regarding double jeopardy.

We believe that if a child is disciplined a school for an infraction of the rules, the situation should also be addressed and have consequences at home. This backs up the discipline policy of the school and precludes a child shouting “You can’t do anything to me, my mom said so!”

Is that really what we want? When called to school, listen carefully to what the teacher or prinicpal has to say. It is then equally important to listen just as carefully to the child’s side of the story. Decide if the seriousness of the situation rates further action. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t – but you need to find out. Do not discount the fact a mistake could have been made at the school. If this has happened, by all means, act as an advocate for your child! If your child has committed a rule infraction, deal with it immediatly and resolutely. Make sure he knows you support the school and their decision, that any further problem will lead to a greater consequence and then choose the punishment (if needed) to fit the crime. Double Jeapardy:If you are in trouble at school, then you are in twice as much trouble at home. At the very least, a genuine rule infraction shows a lack of respect for leaders, society and rules.

One day, I was in another school teaching, I received a call from the middle school principal of our middle son. (See Parenting the Stubborn). I was to come up to the school right away – he had been taken out of class for possession of a weapon! I was beside myself and flew down to the school. Many, many questions raced through my mind – how did he get a weapon, why had he taken a weapon to school? I’m sure you agree that as parents, students and administrators, we have to take any kind of a threat seriously. By the time I arrived at the school, I was in tears and literally sick to my stomach. I couldn't believe my child could do anything like this.

Walking on shaky limbs to the principal’s office, I asked for the principal and also asked to see my son, who I was sure, was in custody someplace. He had in fact, been taken into a side room and left to think about what he’d done until I arrived. Prior to even speaking with a school administrator, I was given the opportunity to speak with him first. Jason explained to me that he had taken a paper clip, bent it like a sling-shot, wound a rubber band between the spikes and rolled a paper ball to shoot at other students and a teacher. I was so relieved, I almost laughed!

Although extremely difficult, I spoke with the principal in somber tones, assuring him I would take care of the situation and it would not repeat itself. Taking Jason by the hand and leading him out of the school, we had a conversation about how simple items could cause harm to classmates and teachers – so were absolutely verboten.

I also chose to remind him I’d been in the principal’s office more as a mother then I ever was as a student – then we shared a laugh together over his weapon! The situation was never repeated.

Jason had no intention of harming anyone, but he was also made to see the severity of what could have happened. I also think sharing a laugh with him over the surprise he felt when he found out I had been told he had a weapon was cathartic and helped break the tension, and was bonding.This small infraction could have been blown out of proportion and ruined an entire evening for nothing. A major part of parenting is knowing your own child and what their true intentions are. Jason’s intentions were to get out of class for causing a disturbance again – and he did so. I was perhaps more angry about his success at that than anything.

To all of you weary parents, I say, take heart! Parenting is not a popularity contest – we would surely lose! Discipline with love, and the beautiful garden you will grow will be worth the work as it matures and blooms!