Oct 12, 2006

Parenting the Stubborn

C'mon, admit it - you've got one of those children. You know the one I mean - the one who defies you with a look, the one who doesn't have any intention of doing things the way you've instructed,the one who's always bucking the system. You love them, but daily life can be a struggle from the time they wake up until the time they go to bed

I'm sure there is some psychological tag professionals have put on children who behave like our third child. He was a pill. I should have had a premonition of what was ahead; afterall,a woman walked up to me in the store, took one look at his red hair, multiple colics and exclaimed,"Oh, my, you're in for a time,aren't you?" Huh? He was a sweet-heart of a baby!

Our third was so round, you couldn't sit him on a flat surface without him rolling like a tennis ball. His fat, puddgy cheeks were always split with a grin and he laughed always...and then...something happend. At three months of age, a chronic illness became apparent. Jason required alot of attention. He was in and out of the hospital, each treatment more painful and humiliating than the next. I hated giving him treatments at home.He hated it too.

One day during garbage pick up, he screamed so loud, I was sure the men would stop to call the authorities. Little did they know, it was the screams of a child not being beaten, but being loved by his mother. Lord only knows what went through his little head. He just wasn't the same after months of treatment.

I really don't know if it was the chronic illness that created the personality change - it could have been the little sister being born 13-months after he was; it could have been the frequent military moves. I don't know and really, I didn't see the need for professional guidance. I just wanted my sweet baby back.. Parenting this child, meant many minutes in my room, deep breathing for control after one of his challenges and simultaneously praying for his recovery.

He wasn't a bad child, really. He was just opinionated: like when he wanted to go to bed, or if he should brush his teeth, or if he should do his chores. He was never violent, never hateful...he was just difficult because he had to put up a fuss whenever asked to do anything. Being able to act like a movie camera and pan back from the situation now, I see that it was a control issue. From such an early age, he had no control over anything - certainly not his body, and not the details of his life.

Unfortunately,like the parent of so many chronically ill children, I had to learn the hard way that chronically ill children need boundries and discipline in the same way their siblings do - and perhaps more. As he got older, he was expected to do the same chores as his brothers and sisters. With limited success, he did those....with much controversy and drama...but all the same, they were done!

He is in his twenties today and manages his illness pretty much on his own. He has become a parent's dream child - hard working, intelligent and (especially because I know he will read this), terribly handsome! He is still opinionated. He still has his own way of doing things, but he is also determined and focused.

From day to day, when you're in the trenches and you're dealing with a child who is openly defient it is difficult to pull back and realize there is a reason for the defience. I chose to cope on my own. That was my answer. It turned out well, thank God. Your answer may be to seek professional guidance. If you feel control slipping from you grasp, don't hesitate to do so.

If, on the other hand, your child is mildly defient, not violent and not harming anyone, hang in there! Take mental note of where you could give him more control without losing control yourself. Spend special one-on-one time with him each day and freely give hugs and kisses - something he may protest, but do it all the same! Prayer always helps as well!

Do you have a challenging child? Start a discussion and share parenting tips!