Feb 12, 2007

Free Lunch, Free Poison?

After I got home from a weekend in Michigan, I was happy to find a coupon clipped from the Sunday edition of the New York Daily News for a free 6 inch pastrami sub from Subway. I was so thrilled by the possibility of a free week of lunch, that I found copies of the newspaper in the garbage pile at the local convenience store.

Now armed with 5 coupons for the weekday, I started Monday extremely hopeful. My relationship with Subway is as follows: The cold deli meats are great, but I steer clear from the hot sandwiches, mainly the meatball hero and the steak and cheese. Meatball heroes should be eaten at pizza places, Italian restaurants, or a decent deli. Please respect this rule. Steak and cheese is questionable in any fast food setting: Applebees, Friday’s? Forget it. I even have beef with Outback.

So why so much faith in the pastrami which is toasted too? It’s in my blood. A Jew cannot say no to pastrami, even when it’s cooked in the bowels of a Subway kitchen.

Here’s the breakdown:

Hearty Italian bread, pastrami, melted provolone, lettuce, tomato, green pepper, cucumber, pickle, salt and pepper, and Russian (or was it 1000 Island? There was some confusion at the counter).

Before the first bite, I could feel the grease on the sandwich dripping onto the wax paper. Looks good so far. The first bite: not impressive. It was so greasy that it was actually wet. Yet, I finished it and thought, how disappointing. The bread was too hard, the meat too slimy, and a 6 inch cannot satisfy most humans. But free is free. Afterwards, I considered going to a different Subway before taking the train home. Thank God I did not.

11:45 p.m. I am in my bathroom getting rid of the day’s intake. Because of the sandwich’s greasiness, there is no surprise to the consistency of my stool. I wrap up around 11:55 and I’m about to leave, when round 2 begins on the bowl. Again, no surprises- it comes with the territory.

12:15 I am laying in bed, getting ready to sleep when my heart rate increases, and I seem to get a bit warm. Meanwhile, I am sleeping under a window that is half open because the heat in the damn apartment is at its second and final option of 100% (rather than 0%). I have a breeze making it 10° outside yet I’m feeling like I’m in a sauna. It takes 15 seconds to realize what’s happening and I reach the bowl in time to see all of my lunch and dinner laughing at me while it floats inches from my face.

Good riddance. I got rid of the shitty sandwich that shouldn’t have been eaten anyway, and now I can look forward to a good night's sleep. I lay back down and doze off. 15 minutes later, I’m back in the act of heaving like Mary Kate at her NYU dorm. Cursing everything and constantly spitting, I sit on the floor of my bathroom with a fresh coat of sweat and the idea that waking up at 8 a.m. doesn’t sound so acceptable anymore.

Well I have to give to whatever it was in my intestines. It had regularity down pat. Every time I vomited, I felt great and ready for bed. And every 30 minutes, I awoke and repeated the process, until 4:30 a.m. That’s when the viral pastrami decided to bookend this entire experience with bowel movement that can be described only as a waterfall: pure fluid, no chunks to spot. I was completed flushed, checked out. It wouldn’t be surprising if I spotted an organ or two in toilet bowl before this ended. Which it hasn’t yet. My only regret so far is not keeping a camera in the bathroom.

On a final note, if anyone would like the left over coupons for the free sandwiches, please contact me at gamestrivia@suite101.org. (Only valid in NY Metro Tri-State area including Fairfield County, Connecticut).